S1 EP22 – Learning From and Managing Your Anger

Transcript

Hi everyone. This is dr. Margaret Paul with the Inner Bonding podcast. And today I want to talk about learning from your Anger and Learning to lovingly manage your Anger Anger is a big issue, especially in relationships. So think about it. Do you ignore your anger? Do you dump it on others? Do you find yourself getting angry and irritated, even though you try really hard to stay calm and still accepting.

Think about this also does Anger actually have power or you being a powerful person when you’re angry. So I want to answer these questions and it’s really about what you mean by power, how you define the power. You know, you can intimidate people, many people with your Anger, especially children and others who are physically weaker than you, or people that are terrified of your disapproval or your rejection, your anger, other, other than the outrage that leads to taking action against some form of injustice is a form of control.

And when you succeed in making others afraid of you, it often works to get them to do what you want them to do, but it will never work to get them to feel about you, how you want them to feel. And it will never lead to a loving relationship. So let’s define power. There’s a big difference between power over other people and power within you. Personal power, anger at others is about power over them.

While taking responsibility for your own feelings is about power within people who use anger as a form of power and control. Believe that that, that the means they’re there Anger justifies the end. They believe in intimidating others into doing what they want them to do, will work for them to make them happy. This is a very big false belief.

You can, you might be able to achieve financial success through various forms of manipulation, but people who do achieve success in this way are very rarely happy people. In fact, I haven’t met anybody, any happy people who use Anger intimidation, two to succeed, to think about it. Have you ever seen an angry person be really happy and joyful happiness and joy come from personal power, not from power over other people, happiness and joy come from taking responsibility for your own feelings and behavior and from caring about others, rather than using them or intimidating them or discounting them truly happy.

People are cooperative with others there or not controlled. So, and want to talk about how do you end up feeling when you get angry? If you tend to get angry at others, take a look inside. How do you feel?

So how do you feel after you’ve been yelling and screaming and intimidating others, maybe you feel good for the moment because Anger is in addiction and all addictions do feel good in the moment. That’s how they become addictions, but there’s getting angry at others, lead you to feeling fulfilled and joyful and peaceful inside. Does it lead to connected, fun, fulfilling relationships with others? When you do manage to get your way or your, or you do get somebody to do what you want them to do, do you end up feeling inwardly worthy and lovable and all filled up with peace and joy inside.

And so to be really honest with yourself, and if you are, you’re gonna discover that Anger and other forms of manipulation control and intimidation actually lead to feeling very empty inside the fullness of inner peace and joy come from loving yourself and sharing your love with others, not from getting what you think you want. And Anger meant to intimidate and control.

Others may be abusive. It can take many forms. It can be louder. It can be silent. It can come through a look that says, if you don’t do what I say, I’m gonna punish you with shutting down and withdrawing. My love can be a quiet threat, a menacing look, or it can be overt. Rage can be physically violent or emotionally violent, but when it completely disrespects the other person, it is abusive.

It’s about getting what you want while disregarding what the other person wants and what the other person feels. When your intention as to avoid responsibility for your feelings. Anger may be one of the forms at this takes when it’s habitual and addictive, it will change only when your intent changes from controlling to loving yourself and others. Well, the wound itself believes that Anger works for you.

What it is really doing is creating your aloneness and Your emptiness. So where do you really want to do you want to get you’re way or do you want to be a happy, fulfilled person, able to share your love with others? You get to choose. I frequently hear my clients say Do I have a right to be angry. Wouldn’t anyone be angry in my situation, of course, everyone has the right to be angry. At any time, we have a right to all of our feelings, but the question is, is your Anger serving you well?

Or is it actually causing you more problems? It’s important to be aware of where your anger is coming from. That is what’s the intention of your anger. Is it coming from your wound itself or is it coming from your loving adult? Anger From your ego at wounded self is blaming Anger. It’s the Anger of a victim, making someone or something else responsible for your feelings. The intent of this Anger is to have control over the other person and to have control over a situation or God or nature, or over your own painful feelings.

This Anger is a protection against the authentic feelings of heartbreak, loneliness, and helplessness over others and over events and over outcomes. Many people would rather get angry, which momentarily makes them feel more powerful. Then feel these much more difficult feelings that may be under the Anger. The ego wounded self believes that Anger will get you what you want. And sometimes it does the person you’re angry and as afraid of you, like I said, he or she may comply with your demands, but the price you pay for this compliance may be way greater than you realize since no one likes to feel controlled and intimidated by you, that person may gradually pull away from the relationship.

You might find yourself losing friends, jobs, employees, or your partner. No one likes to be at the other end of someone’s blaming Anger Anger and express that’s expressed at others is generally a projection of your own inner child and angry at you for some way that you’re not taking care of yourself. Like if you’re not listening to your feelings, you’re, you’re judging yourself. You’re numbing out with the addictions.

You’re giving away to other people, the responsibility, then the Anger and Simon may actually be that inner child blaming you, being angry. You upset with you for not taking care of yourself. And then that gets projected out on to other people. Now Anger for the loving adult is very different than anger from the wound itself. There’s two kinds of Anger from the loving adult. The first I said is outrage. Outrage is the feeling you may get when faced with situations such as starving children or homeless people or blacks, black people being killed by police violations to the environment, child abuse or spousal abuse.

Outrage is an important feeling. As it moves us to take action, to help correct the injustice outrageous not Anger dumped on another person to get them to change. It’s a feeling that motivates us to take loving action to bring about change. Now, the second kind of anger that comes from a loving adult is anger expressed within an intention to learn about what you’re thinking or doing that’s causing the Anger.

That is how you’re not taking care of yourself. This anger is not expressed directly to another person. Instead, I encourage you to learn the sixth step of the, excuse me, the three step Inner Bonding Anger process, because this is a very powerful process for getting your anger out, but Learning what is really about. And so in this process, it starts with anger at another person or a God moves to anger at who this person might remind you of from the past.

And it can you complete this process by allowing your inner child to get angry at you at your wounded self, for how you’re not taking care of yourself in this situation and how your, and maybe how, how you’re treating yourself the way you’re parents or other caregivers treated you. Once you complete this process, you’ll have a much better idea of how you’re responsible for your Anger. And you’ll begin to see what actions you can take to be loving to yourself.

Anger from the loving adult leads to Learning and taking loving action on your own behalf. Anger from the wounded self is a bottomless pit, and it feeds on itself, the angry or you get the angry or, or you get it, doesn’t lead to ultimately feeling peaceful and powerful. As I said, as I previously said, it, it might feel good in the moment, the wound itself, because it enables you to get it out by dumping it on someone else.

And it covers up the deeper, authentic, painful feelings, but in the long run, it just makes you feel more frustrated and more powerless, especially as you start to suffer the negative consequences that inevitably result from blaming Anger. Others are not going to feel close to you and intimate with you when they’re afraid of you. If you wanna move beyond loneliness and interconnection with others than you need to learn to manage your Anger as a loving adult, learning from it and allowing it to motivate you to take appropriate action, rather than either ignoring it or are dumping it on others.

So I’m going to share an example with you about healing Anger issues. One of my clients I’ll call her Gretta is very devoted to her spiritual path. It’s extremely important to her to move through her life as a loving and a compassionate person. She has a very big heart and is always doing nice things for other people. So of course it was deeply upsetting to her when she would find herself suddenly irritated, angry, and blaming towards someone that as hard as she tried to be consistently loving and compassionate, the anger and blame continued to surface toward others.

As we worked together, Gretta discovered that as, as important, it was to her to be loving and compassionate with others. She was almost never loving and compassionate with herself. Her wound itself was generally in charge on the inner level, constantly judging her for almost everything she said and did Greta told herself things like you’re not good enough and you’re never going to be good enough. You’re never going to be home or you’re too flawed to really heal.

You’re a dumb, you’re stupid. You’re never going to understand things that other people understand. Oh, you’ve done it wrong again. Your never going to get things right. You’re so ugly. No one will ever love you because you’re just so ugly. You are always going to be alone. You’ve got to accept. You’re just here to serve others. It’s selfish to think of yourself. So on and on when the program voice of her ego wounded self picking her apart regarding her interactions with others, when she wasn’t judging herself, she was ignoring her feelings instead of attending to them.

And instead she attended to others feelings and needs everyone. Else’s feelings and needs were more important to her than her own. Soon. It became apparent in our work that her anger at others was really a projection of her inner child’s anger at her for treating herself so badly. Even though Gretta received great joy from giving to others, it was not enough to counteract the pain. She caused herself with her own self-abandonment because there was no loving inner adult to be caring, understanding, compassionate and accepting of herself.

Gretta’s inner child was often looking to others for the love that she wasn’t giving to herself. So when another person was in a tent of, or judgmental mirroring Gretta’s own Inner treatment of herself, she would suddenly feel really irritated and angry and, and, and blaming. She would feel like a victim of the other person’s behavior and would then try to control the other person into treating her the way her inner child actually wanted to be treated by her.

But even realizing this didn’t change, her Inner system, Gretta was devoted to believing that being loving and compassionate to others would bring her the deep inner fullness and self worth that she was seeking. She discovered that she was very resistant to self care because of a fear that God and her inner child wanted to control her. She came from very controlling parents. So the last thing she wanted was to be controlled, not by anyone or anything, even herself.

So as long, How long has she was operating from the false belief that God and her own inner soul self or inner child wanted to control her? She was very resistant to taking care of herself. And as long as she reads, as long as she was resistant to self care, she would continue to project her Anger onto others.

So Gretta finally decided to test out her belief that God and her own inner essence, her own beautiful soul wanted to control her. She decided to courageously let go of her fear of being controlled, an open to learning about what was in her highest good with God and her inner child. Is she open to learning about taking love and care of herself? Her Anger at others, gradually diminished grit to learn to value her. Anger rather than judge yourself for it.

Because she realized that her anger at others was letting her know that she was not taking loving care of herself. So now I want to talk a little bit more about the three step Anger Inner Bonding Anger process that I talked about, because it’s so helpful in understanding the underlying issue of self-abandonment releasing your anger will work only when your intent in releasing it is to learn about what you do that causes your angry feelings.

If you just want to use your anger to blame and control and justify your position, you’re going to stay stuck in your anger. You’re going to stay stuck with your heart closed. This three part Anger process moves you out of a victim mode and into being openhearted. So the first step is, imagine that the person you’re angry at is sitting in front of you.

No, let your inner child yell at that person saying in detail, everything you wish you could say, remember, you’re not doing it with the person there, unleash your Anger unleashed your pain and resentment until you have nothing more to se you can screen and you can cry. You can pound a pillow, you can roll up a towel and, and beat up the bed. Just do it where nobody can hear you. Now, the second part is asking yourself who this person reminds you of and in your past, is it your mother or father, a grandparent, a sibling.

Now it may be the same person in the first part. You might, you might be mad at your father now because he’s still acting just like he did when you were young. Now let your inner child yell at the person from the past as thoroughly and energetically as you did in part one. Now finally come back into the present and now let your inner child do the same thing with you. Expressing your inner child is anger and pain and resentment toward you.

For your part in this situation that you’re dealing with, or for treating yourself the way the people in part one in truth, and to be treated you, this brings the problem home to personal responsibility for your own behavior. It opens the door to exploring how you’re treating yourself. As I said, Anger are the other person is generally a projection of your inner child is angry at you for not taking loving care of yourself.

Recognizing your anger at others. As a projection can move you into being open to learning about loving yourself. People who consistently practice Inner Bonding find themselves feeling less and less angry as they develop their loving adult. They find that they no longer take other’s behavior. Personally, even when someone’s angry or disapproving of them, as they learn to take responsibility for their own feelings, they stop blaming others for their painful feelings.

As they learn to define their own worth through their connection with their higher self. They’re no longer so reactive to others. Disapproval anger management is not merely a skill to be learned. It’s the natural outcome of developing a loving adult. Through the practice of Inner Bonding For those of you that have not started an Inner Bonding practice. I encourage you to go to Inner bonding.com and take our free seven day Inner Bonding course.

That will start you off in Learning Inner Bonding. And then we have many other ways on our website to learn. Inner Bonding there’s many free articles. There’s free help. I offer many 30 day courses. One of them called love yourself, which teaches you Inner Bonding. I have a weekend workshop coming up in a couple of weeks. Ah, you can go on to Inner bonding.com and find out it, you can sign up for our newsletter and you will get information about this.

You can call our lovely assistant and ask about it. The number is on our website. There’s so many ways to learn. Inner Bonding, I’ve written many, many books about it. I teach it in many, many ways, five day intensives and one on one, working on phone and Skype or zoom. And we have many trained facilitators who also work with individuals and couples. So I hope we see you@innerbonding.com. I send you my love and bless you.