Are you resistant to being a loving adult and taking responsibility for your feelings and for supporting your highest good? Is it more important to you to resist being controlled by others, or by your higher guidance, or by your own ego wounded self, than it is to learn how to be loving to yourself and to others? Discover the way out of resistance.
Hi everyone. This is dr. Margaret POM with the Inner Bonding podcast. Today. I want to talk about a topic that I run into so often with my clients, and that is Resistance two taking responsibility for Loving themselves. It it’s really a resistance is a huge issue for a lot of people, and it can manifest in a lot of ways. It can manifest like shutting down to a partner or not doing what you want to do.
And someone else wants you to do it, or often being late or not getting things done by getting bills paid or getting taxes done on time or putting off of other things that need to get done or not cleaning up your workspace or your home space. Having a lot of clutter, it can also manifest as, as things like not exercising, not eating well, not taking responsibility for your feelings, especially, and not opening to the wisdom and guidance of your higher guidance.
Resistance can keep you completely stuck and immobilized in your life. Resistance often starts in childhood as a reaction to being controlled by parents or siblings or teachers or religious leaders are, or others who are in authority. And when people try and control you, it can lead to a fear of engulfment. If you are being taken over controlled smothered, we learn early to balance giving ourselves up and finding various forms of resisting the control so that we don’t completely lose our sense of self.
For those of you who are involved on a spiritual path and consciously want to connect with your higher guidance, you might be finding yourself in resistance to opening up to your guidance, to your own idea or Zoe, or do an angel are a teacher or whatever your concept of God is. You actually might be in a power struggle with your own higher guidance. You might be resisting your guidance on a fear of losing yourself and being taken over of experiencing a loss of identity, which is what the wound itself is really afraid of.
So just as we might project a rejection onto spirit, we might also project control onto the spirit, projecting our parents onto whatever it is that your concept of God is. So you might believe that letting go to your own higher self or to guidance, or God is the same thing as letting go to a parent who wants to control you.
Problems and dealing with Resistance is because it generally starts very early in life. It becomes as invisible and ubiquitous as the air you breathe. You, you just don’t realize that that’s what’s happening. It’s the automatic reaction to anything that you perceive as control, whether it’s from another person, excuse me, we still have smoke here. So I’m sorry about my voice, whether it, it, like I said, whether it’s from another person more from your own inner child or from the demand’s and judgments of your own wounded self, or from what you might project onto your concept of a higher power, your wounded resistance self will resist being tuned into your own feelings, fearing being controlled by your own inner child.
You might resist messages from your guidance fearing being controlled by a power greater than your wounded self. If you are a committed to a spiritual practice, such as meditation you’re Inner Bonding, you might find yourself resisting meditating or resisting practicing Inner Bonding. So the, and this level of Resistance makes it impossible to be in a relationship when you perceive the other person’s desire for connection and intimacy, as a demand on you, you are going to automatically resisted.
And the more you resist, the more you’re going to perceive your partner as the problem. When I first started to practice Inner Bonding, I was in a lot of resistance to taking responsibility for myself. I had spent so many years believing that getting loved and trying to have control over, getting love was the road to happiness and self worth. So I was very reluctant to give up this, this project to, to have control over getting love.
I felt really resentful that after all this time and effort. So now that now I had to do it for myself, that just didn’t seem to be fair. After all I’d spent most of my life taking responsibility for others. So why shouldn’t they do this for me? When I was sitting with a woman, I’m going to call Carol at one of my five day Inner Bonding intensives, I saw myself in her. Carol was completely stuck in Resistance.
She knew in her head that to feel happy and full inside. She needed to show up as a loving adult and take responsibility for her painful feelings. But you didn’t want to. She thought if she opened her heart to herself, to her feelings, as we were inviting her to do, she would feel controlled by me, even though she knew that her heart was in her highest good. She was determined to make me responsible for how she felt to get me, to give her the love.
She didn’t want to have to give to herself. And that she believed she wasn’t equipped to do. I sat there feeling so much compassion for her knowing exactly the struggle that was going on inside of her. She said the very same words. And I had said years earlier, I’ve taken care of everyone. My whole life. I shouldn’t have to take care of myself on top of everything I’ve done for everyone else. It’s just not fair. Her suffering was heartbreaking.
And, and really, if I could have done it for her, I would have, but I knew from years of experience of trying to be the loving adult for others and our child, that all it would do is keep her stuck and dependent on me. Now it certainly, I, I could attach her to me by taking responsibility for her feelings and many codependent therapists do that, but I wouldn’t be enabling her, her dependency rather than supporting her and being all that she, she was capable of being.
So I sat with her as she struggled and even encouraged her to continue to resist consciously all her life. She had unconsciously, Resistance taking responsibility for yourself, and now it was time to consciously choose to resist rather than just doing it on automatic pilot, by consciously choosing to resist loving herself and taking responsibility for her feelings. She could become much more aware of her choices.
Now, generally people hate it when I recommend that they consciously resist because it unmasked the wound itself. The one itself in all of us hates to be unmasked. It wants to believe that it can continue to protect and control without anybody knowing. So when I recommend that the wound itself continue to do what it’s been doing, but do it consciously, the wound itself wants to resist this as well.
Since I was telling Carol is wound itself to resist her wound itself wanted to resist resisting, which put her in a bind. She did what I asked her to do. Then she would feel controlled by me, but if she resisted resisting, then she would have to show up as a Loving adult. Okay? Now, to Carol’s credit, she ended the session struggling with this con with this quandary only to come back later in the day in a totally different place.
She had let go of trying to control and not be controlled. And it opened her heart to her Inner little girl, the relief she felt was palpable. We all rejoiced in her Radian smile. As she shared feeling full of love inside. I work with Resistance with my clients every single day. As I said, previously, the decision can resist can start really early, especially when there’s abuse.
And the child comes to believe that not feeling only protects them from being controlled and they end up feeling like they’re winning. So here’s an example. When Cicely was seven years old and her mother was beating her, she made a deep and profound decision. I will not let her win. I will go inside and disconnect from myself so that she can’t hurt me.
She can beat me all she wants, but I will never ever show any emotion. So today Sicily is 45 years old and has spent her life disconnected from herself, operating from the false belief that this is the only way to not be controlled by anyone. Sicily is miserable. So here’s another example. When Cameron was six years old and his father was beating him, he made the same decision. I will not feel I will not be present in my body.
And then he cannot control me. I will win Cameron’s in his early fifties. And he is miserable. So think about it. Did you make a similar decision or you stuck in resistance? Most people who were stuck are operating from limiting beliefs that they established as kids.
See if you can tune into what your limiting beliefs are that may be keeping you stuck in Resistance. So I’m going to go through some of these beliefs. See if you identify with any of them, do you believe that resisting control is essential to your integrity and individuality? Now, this may have felt true when you were a child, but as an adult, integrity and individuality come from making your own decisions based on what’s best for you, rather than basing your decisions on avoiding being controlled.
When you make your own decisions regarding what’s best for you, regardless of whether or not someone thinks he or she is controlling you, you’re coming from your personal power rather than being controlled by resisting. What another person wants from you or wants you to do. Here’s another belief. Do you believe that resisting control establishes your independent identity now, and again is a child that’s felt true, but as an adult, your identity lives and making your own choices, independent of whether or not someone else’s trying to control you, or do you believe that your only choices when another person is trying to control you are either to comply or to resist.
Now, these are the only two choices for your wound itself, but your Loving, it don’t has the choice to open to your higher guidance about what’s truly Loving to you when you’re Loving a donut is in charge rather than your wound itself, your actions are coming from your desire to be loving to yourself and others rather than to protect against being controlled.
Do you believe that you really are being your own person when you resist? When you resist, you might not realize that your being controlled by your Resistance on other person who has to do to have control over you. It’s a demand, something from you, and you’ll automatically resist. Once others realize that they can ask for the opposite of what they want and have control over you, then they actually do have control over you. So when you’re in Resistance, you are a paradoxically being controlled.
Your behavior is determined by your reaction to others, or by your own demanding wounded self, telling you what to do, what you should do, what you have to do rather than by your own desires or your own needs. When your goal is to resist being controlled, you have to resist, which means that you no longer have free choice. You’re being your own person. Only when you decide that loving yourself and others is more important to you than resisting being controlled by others, or by your own controlling wound itself.
Here’s another belief. Do you believe that it’s a, it’s the controlling person’s fault that you resist. You’re one itself made blame. Another person saying if you weren’t so controlling, I wouldn’t have to resist your choice to resist is your choice coming from the fears and beliefs of your wound itself, and actually has nothing to do with somebody else trying to control you. You always have the option of opening to learning about what’s.
Loving two Yourself and of setting a Loving limit instead of resisting. Do you believe that you can avoid being controlled by resisting problem is, as I previously said, you’re actually being controlled when you resist, because you’re reacting to another person or two, your own controlling wound itself, rather than being proactive and doing what is in your own highest good.
Do you believe that if you didn’t resist being controlled by another person, you would lose yourself and be swallowed up by them. So I’m sure this felt true as a child, but as an adult, you can certainly learn to set Loving limits Loving boundaries, rather than just to be reactive in resist. When you practice Inner Bonding and you develop your Loving adult, then your free to neither comply or resist, you are free to do whatever is in your highest good.
My client Marilyn had been feeling stuck in her life for a long time, a highly creative person. She had always wanted to be a successful songwriter. She had hundreds of songs. She had written and sung for her friends who are always blown away by her talent. Yet he or she was stuck being a secretary in an accounting firm, a job that she, she just hated various people. She knew had offered to help Maryland get her songs to the right people.
Yet Maryland never followed through in getting their help. Instead, she pinned on it. She, she spent a lot of energy complaining about unhappy. She was at her job. So what was the problem? Why did she stay so stuck? The Maryland finally sought my help because she was really miserable in your life. As we work together, became a parent that Maryland was deeply stuck in Resistance, but who was she resisting?
Marilyn had come from a very controlling and abusive family. She was told what to do from the time she woke up to the time she went to sleep. And if she didn’t do what she was told, the punishment was severe. Marilyn learned to be a good and compliant child to protect herself from abuse, but she hated being compliant. The problem was that Marilyn had integrated her parents demanding voices into her own wounded self Part of her that was like her parents, which was obviously her wound itself was constantly critical and demanding on the inner level.
But now, instead of being compliant to avoid the abuse, Marilyn was resistant to her own Inner demands. She was stuck in an inner power struggle with one part of her being controlling. And the other part of her being resistant, the other wounded parts, she had these jewelry parts, one controlling and the other resistant, and they were in a power struggle. So this inner power struggle is what created the immobilization of Maryland’s life, which made it impossible to take the Loving action on her own behalf.
In our work together, Maryland came to understand that they controlling, demanding critical. Part of her was an adolescent part that had absorbed her parents. Ways of being of controlling. Part of her who was resisting was really young, like maybe two or three years old. Every time the adolescent would say something like, well, what’s the matter with you? Get off your button, call David. He knows lots of people who can help us. Your just a lazy jerk. You really are a loser. Go call him. Now.
Her little a resistant child would dig in her heels, essentially saying, leave me alone. You can’t tell me what to do. She was shocked to realize that these young parts of her were running her life and actually ruined her, ruining her life. And that is it always been far more important to her to resist being controlled even by herself. Then it was to be Loving to herself. In order for Maryland to take the Loving actions she needed to take, to become the songwriters. She wanted to be, she needed to develop her loving adult. As long as her wounded itself had control over her choices, she would stay stuck.
As Marilyn learned the Inner Bonding process in practice or a connection with her spiritual guidance. She gradually developed her Loving adult. She discovered that she was also afraid of being controlled by her guidance because she had projected her parents onto her concept of God. So a Marilyn created an inner teacher that was a higher part of herself, which then made her feel safe enough to follow her higher guidance, rather than keep her wound itself in charge.
Every time her wounded self voiced her demands and judgments, Maryland would open to her guidance for the truth and the Loving action. As she opened to the strength in power of her guidance, she became able to take the Loving action for herself. So there are three things that you can do to break the cycle of resistance. One Is noticed that Resistance is a choice and notice yourself making that choice often Resistance is unconscious.
You might not be aware that you’re actually choosing to make Resistance more important than Loving. And one way of becoming aware of the fact that you’re resisting is to decide to notice yourself choosing to resist, instead of trying not to be in resistance, continue to resist, but to do it consciously, make a game of it and be sure you’re not judging yourself. As you notice your choice to resist consciously, choose to resist Yourself resist others, resist your guidance, intensify it until you’re fully aware that you really aren’t making a choice to resist.
Even though it has seemed that you weren’t when you were in, when you were unconscious, it just really resisting. The goal is to really get to know the part of you that is in Resistance. And to be conscious of the part that is making a choice to resist. Now, this may sound simple, but it represents a huge change lift in consciousness. Okay? When you really see that Resistance to any given situation is a choice. You no longer operate on automatic pilot, you have taken the first step out of denial and into the awareness that you need in that very moment, you start seeing that you can make other choices.
So it was just choosing love and set of controls. And Resistance noticing when you choose to resist is the beginning of being able to change your intention. So the second thing you can do is notice the consequences, have the choice to resist. Once you notice you’re Resistance is a choice. Start noticing the consequences of your choice to resist in your relationships, your health, your feelings about yourself, your productivity, your creativity, and asked yourself if resisting control is really worth all that pain, or would you consider making a new choice?
Yes. So the third thing you can do now, obviously is shift your intention, make a new choice that being loving with yourself and others is more important than resisting being controlled. And there’s a paradox here. And that is that when being loving to yourself is more important to you than resisting being controlled. You never get controlled because Is a Loving don’t you set Loving limits against being controlled and you know, that’s personal power and emotional freedom.
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