S1 EP27 – Addiction to Over-Talking

Transcript

Hi everyone. This is Dr. Margaret Paul with the Inner Bonding podcast today. I am so grateful that here on the front range of Colorado, with all of these fires, we got a ton of snow. And so I’m just very, very happy to look out the window and see all of this snow. That’s helping put out these huge fires so that hopefully people can get back into their homes. So it is, you didn’t want to talk about addiction too.

Do over-talking I’m sure I know that you’ve had this experience either. You tend to be an over-talk or, or you’re with people who are over-talk and, and you don’t know what to do, especially like if you are an Over talker and you don’t know why people keep walking away from you and if your, with an over-talk or are you sure you often just don’t know what to do? So I know there’s, there’s an old joke about people who talk a lot.

Do you know the 12 step program for people who are you talk a lot on and on and on? So I don’t know, obviously, if there is a 12 step a joke about it, it’s a pretty common it recognize it is, is that incessant Talking is a common addiction. So not stop talking is about using others for attention and approval because of not giving yourself enough for them. You mentioned and approval when you’re over-talking, you’re not actually offering anything to the listener.

You know, I know what you’re really doing is going on and on with a monologue. And you’re pulling in a row G from the person who is listening to you and he healing and addiction to over-talking is like healing any other, any other addiction. So now imagine that you have a child within you, you are feeling self your inner child. Who’s feeling very alone, and this child feels alone because you’re not paying attention to him or her.

Every time you trap someone into listening to you, is it as if you’re handing this inner child away for that person to take care of. You want somebody else to attend to and approve of this child. Instead of you accepting responsibility for listening to yourself, hearing yourself and taking loving action for yourself. The very fact of doing this isn’t Inner abandonment, and that’s creating the very aloneness that is at the heart of all of all the addictions.

When you expect others to listen to you, when you don’t listen to yourself, you’re giving that inner child, your feelings of self, a message that he or she just is not very important to you. When you don’t take the time to attend to your own feelings and needs. You’re creating an inner neediness and inner emptiness. And this inner emptiness, it’s like a black hole. And it acts like a vacuum sucking energy and second caring from other people.

So no matter how often others listen to you, it never feels you. And this is because only you can give your own inner child what he or she needs. If you were to take some time each day to learn and practice, Inner, Bonding having a dialogue, either out loud or in writing with the part of you who needs to be heard. Who’s who’s so much needed to be heard. You would discover that you can feel your own emptiness. And if you practice imagining a loving, spiritual presence, holding you loving you are listening to you and guiding you.

You’re no longer going to feel alone. As long as you believe that it’s someone else’s job to feel you, you won’t take the time to practice Inner Bonding and learn how to fill yourself. As long as you believe that it’s okay to trap others and to use them to fill yourself up, you’re going to continue your Talking addiction. The only one you get that it’s not loving to yourself, and it’s not loving to others to expect them to take care of your inner child of yours, your feelings and needs, where you start to take on that responsibility.

So you have to, I need to develop empathy for your own feelings. So do you so that then you you’re able to have empathy for others when you’re over-talking you are being so self centered that you don’t even notice that others are feeling link trapped, or others are feeling uncomfortable. You don’t have any empathy for them, and you won’t be able to develop that empathy and compassion until you develop them for your own feelings and needs and become willing to learn, to be a loving adult for your own inner child.

Are you might not believe that you can feel yourself better than others. Can you are not gonna know that. Yes. Until you try it. My personal experience is that when my intention is to take loving care of myself and fill myself with love, that is actually the energy we live in. Then I feel happy and I feel peaceful. So when you choose to take responsibility for meeting your own needs, instead of abandoning yourself to others, I assure you you’re never going to feel alone and empty.

I found over the years of practicing Inner Bonding that the more I listened to myself, the less, I need to have others lessons to me. And to hear me, it’s not that I don’t enjoy sharing with others and I do, but there is a very big difference between sharing and Anne and the kind of talking too much that comes from not listening to yourself and taking responsibility for yourself. So, so here’s an example. I was having a Skype session with Tara and Tara is a lovely woman in her forties, married with two children.

She’s a very successful as a CEO of a clothing design company. Yet in our first session, I immediately saw that Tara was addicted to talking to much when she said he goes on and on with detail after detail, never coming up for air. The conversation is a monologue. I’m not a dialogue. So as I said, people talk too much because they’re lonely. And when someone is willing to listen, they go on and on. And their attempt to assuage their loneliness, as well as you know, what is the aloneness of their self-abandonment.

But loneliness was not the issue with terror self-abandonment was the issue in terms of not listening to herself, she had done much inner work before consulting with me, but she had never learned that she had an inner child, her feelings of self who needed to be heard by her. She had shut off from her feelings as a child to survive a very painful childhood. And it was never done the work of reconnecting with herself and listening to her feelings as to how it went from one subject to another, without a break, I finally stopped her Tara.

There must be a good reason. You have a need to tell me so much detail and to talk on and on. This is a monologue, not a dialogue, and I can’t stay connected to you when we don’t talk back and forth. You said, Oh, I didn’t realize it was doing that. I guess I just want to be heard by you. You know? And I said, I do here, you and I love to connect with you, but you’re in your head rather than your feelings. And I can’t connect to you when you’re in your head and your mind, not in your head body with your feelings.

And she said, I don’t know how to feel anxious, the feelings. And I said to her, honey, I can help you with that. You can start by breathing into your body, following your breath, get fully present inside your body and skin, your body. Notice it as what’s happening inside both physically and emotionally, take a few moments to be with whatever you feel inside. And I gave her some time to do that.

And then I said, what are you aware of feeling? And she said, I feel in my, in my stomach. And so I told her to breathe into that tension. This is your inner child letting you know that you’re abandoning her in some way. And she said, but I always feel this tension. I can’t remember ever not feeling this tension. And I said, Tara, you have to disconnect from your feelings a long time ago to survive the pain of your childhood.

But now you’re still disconnecting from your feelings. The tension is your inner child, Liddy. You know, this and talking too much is actually one of the ways you’re abandoning yourself. She said, I always just try to avoid paying attention to the tension. And I said, write, and this is why your inner child doesn’t feel heard by you. The way she’s communicating with you is with this tension.

She’s letting you know what, the tension that you’re abandoning her. And you’re ignoring her. I’m trying to get others to hear you BAE talking too much. And she said, Oh, well, what am I supposed to do with this tension? And I said, asked her what she’s trying to tell you with this tension, her feelings have information. And I wanted her to start to get the information. So she asked and her inner child answered.

And her Inner Johnson. I’m tense because I feel so alone inside you ignore me all the time. You don’t even know what I’m here. And that scares me. You treat me just like mom treated me, just ignoring me as if I don’t even exist. Wow. Tara said, I really didn’t know. She existed. No wonder she doesn’t feel seen and heard by me. So it was Tara started to practice Inner Bonding and attend to her feelings. Her Talking addiction gradually subsided.

She no longer had the big need to be heard by others because now she was hearing herself. If you find yourself talking on and on, and other’s kind of drifting away or looking board, you might want to explore why you have the need to go on and on. What are you trying to control or avoid when you’re operating from a Talking addiction, ask yourself these questions. Do I need others to listen to me? Because I’m not listening to myself.

Do I feel empty inside? Do to self-abandonment and I’m trying to get others energy to fill me. Do I believe that my worth isn’t getting others attention and approval. So I’m pulling on them instead of valuing myself, do I feel alone and lonely? When I’m trying to get others to connect to me, to take away my loneliness, do I believe I’m entitled to monopolize others’ attention?

And I can coming from a self absorbed place. I don’t care whether or not others who are interested in what I’m saying. Do I believe that only I have important things to say, and I don’t care about what others think you have to say. So there may be much for you to learn about yourself. If you’re an over talker and doing an Inner, Bonding may be a very big help to you. If you find it and yourself without friends, you might want to consider that no one wants to be with you.

It’s draining to be on it on the other end of a needy person who uses Talking as a way to try and get filled up. If you’re addicted to Talking, perhaps you could, you believe that you’re being interesting. When you go on and on about it, you yourself, but you might reconsider the truth of this belief. If you find that many people avoid you, most people who are not going to tell you the truth, that they feel tired and drained and trapped in your presence and bored by your talking about yourself are going into excruciating detail about something that holds no interest for them.

So, and nobody wants to offend you. So they just stay away rather than speak their truth. They don’t even answer the phone when they know it’s you. And they find any excuse to not spend time with you. It’s not that they don’t like you is that they end up feeling trapped and bored and they don’t want to be used by you to fill up your emptiness. Now, if you’re the one at the other end of the Over talker, you also might have much to learn people who end up listening to an over-talk or go on and on are often caretakers who are afraid to hurt the talker by disengaging or by telling the truth about their boredom.

Talkers are often lonely and needy people. As I said, who attempt to assuage their emptiness by trapping people, into listening to them. And often the listener just doesn’t know what to do for them example, I I’ve seen, I’ve seen people telling a byte a bit. You ain’t tell her there are a life story oblivious. So the long line behind them, while the trap teller didn’t know how to disengage without being impolite. So what do you do you do when you’re with the person who goes on and on with the money we’re on a log, barely taking a breath between sentences.

Think about this, or are you more concerned with not hurting their feelings or with taking loving care of yourself, which is what you need to do. If you’re going to take responsibility for own feelings. So do you smile and nod pretending to listen while seeking a way out when there is a breath between sentences or do you continue to engage on the conversation? Only having them continue to go on and on.

Do you look around acting wreck, restless and impatient, but continue to listen. Hoping they’re going to notice that you’re restless. Do you tune them out and thinking of others, things yet stay in their presence, getting drained. How do you feel when you do any of these things, do you feel trapped? You feel irritated, bored pulled on angry and visible, tired, drained. You might want to explore it.

Why care-taking the Talking attic is more important to you than taking care of your own feelings. What’s the fear behind the caretaking? Why would you ignore responsibility for your own feelings? Perhaps? You’ve just never thought of what else you can do. This is the case. I have some suggestions for you would, you can apply to any situation. And when you, when you feel trapped or a board or pulled on the person is someone you’re not connected with.

Like someone you just met at a party who is cornered. You have to interrupt them, smiling compassionately, perhaps tapping them gently on the arm and just kindly saying, excuse me, and walk away. You don’t owe them an explanation, but someone you’re in a relationship with or someone you want to stay connected too, or connected with you. You can say things like I would really love to connect with you, but I can’t.

When we’re having a one-way conversation, can we have a dialogue instead of a monologue? Or there must be a very good reason. You keep talking instead of us talking back and forth, it really liked to understand that. Or you can say, you know, I have things I like to share with you too. Are you interested in listening to me? Like, I’m listening to you now, if you don’t want to say anything, you can interrupt and change the topic of conversation and talk about something that’s, that’s interesting to you.

And, and then see what happens is they keep interrupting you and then you might want to reconsider what you want to do with this person. But someone, you know, well, and the two of you is spoken about this issue. Previously, you can say in a light tone of voice, something like now it’s my turn to talk, or time’s up my churn. And hopefully they’re going to respect that if taking care of yourself is important to you when you are with an over talker.

And I do hope you practice some of the suggestions or come up with some other ideas that we’ll work for you. You don’t owe an over talker your time and attention. If you’re afraid of hurting them, you might want to explore why it’s more important to you to caretake them than to be loving to yourself and take loving care of yourself while they might feel hurt by your honesty, they might have you also learn to take responsibility for themselves.

Sometimes honesty is the most loving thing that you can do sometimes saying to him, Over talker. I can’t connect to you. I’m feeling pulled on and board. Can we talk about this is the most loving thing that you can do and they, they might get hurt or they might open to learn it it’s up to them. But I have found that being honest and truthful is much more loving than giving myself up or getting angry or any of those other forms of control.

It’s important to realize that giving yourself a copy of the caretaking, another person is a form of control and it is a form of self-abandonment. So I hope all of you go to Innerbonding.com and download our free course. If you don’t know, Inner, Bonding, there’s many, many ways that taking the 30 day love yourself, of course, is a fabulous way of learning the Inner Bonding process. We have many books, we have self quests, which is on an online program that teaches it.

There’s so many ways, so many articles you can join Inner Bonding village and get support in your learning and healing process. I do hope that you take advantage of all we have to offer at innerbonding.com. learning and practicing Inner Bonding is truly life-changing. I hope you all have a wonderful day. Sending you all love and blessings.