S1 EP29 – Creating Loving Relationships

Episode Summary

Loving relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many of my clients state that, “If I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship.” This is not true, any more than it’s true that you don’t have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well and stress reduction. There are some powerful choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a loving one.

Transcript

Hi everyone. This is dr. Margaret Paul with the inner bonding podcast. So to me, I want to talk about one of my favorite topics, which is Relationships. I will talk about what it takes to grow. Creating Loving Relationships now it’s important to realize it. Why is that? Loving relationships don’t just happen. I’ve heard many of my clients say, well, if I have to work at it, then it’s not the right relationship. And this is just not at all.

True. It’s not any more true than that. Then you don’t have to work in a good physical health through exercise or eating well and stress reduction. And there are some very powerful choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but it can turn a failing relationship into a loving and intimate relationship. So the first major choice I want to talk about is about taking responsibility for your own feelings.

Now, this is, this is the most important choice you can make. When you learn how to take responsibility for your feelings, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. And since blaming one’s partner for one’s own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems. Learning how to take loving care of yourself. Self is of course, vital to a good relationship. Now, this means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself.

This means learning how to treat yourself with kindness and caring and compassion and acceptance, instead of just saying self-judgment and numbing out with addictions and other forms of self-abandonment self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure. Sure. No matter how lovingly your partner is treating you. So for me, for example, and instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment, when he or she is late, or is preoccupied not listening to you or isn’t turned on to you sexually or so on, you know, a lot, a lots of issues.

Through the practice of Inner Bonding you would explore your feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be rejected, the acting and abandoning yourself. Most of us do know that Relationships can be very challenging. Would you say it didn’t really enter a relationship with many unhealed wounds from childhood and these wounds usually get triggered and committed relationships are wounds can include both of our fear of rejection, the fear of losing the other person.

Well, and our fear of engulfment the fear of losing. And when these fears get activated, we often do you go into the old program, ways of reacting, such as being angry or blaming or being compliant or withdrawn or resistant, or getting defensive, explaining ourselves threatening. So many ways that we have of trying to, to control and protect ourselves. You might’ve been programmed with many ways of making your partner responsible for your painful feelings.

Now, of course, love gets eroded when we continue to act from our fears and the resulting controlling behaviors and love flourishes. When you learn how to take responsibility for your feelings, what you can learn to do through an inner bonding practice. Now, another powerful choices about your intention to choose learning instead of controlling, when conflict occurs, you all right, always have two choices regarding your intention.

You can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues that lie within the conflict. Or you can lovingly disengage. If one or both of you are not open that’s that’s one choice to, to open, to learning or lovingly disengage. The other choices you can try to win, or at least not lose through some form of controlling behavior. Now, like I said, we’ve all learned many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others and to be behaving the way we want.

I’ve mentioned some like anger, blame, judgment, being overly nice, being compliant, caretaking, which means taking care of others feelings while we give ourselves up resisting being controlled, withdrawing love, explaining teaching, defending line, denying so many different ways. All the ways we try to control create even the more conflict remembering to learn instead of to try to control is a vital part of improving your relationship.

When you’re a fierce of rejection or engulfment get activated. Most people immediately protect themselves with their controlling right behaviors, but you choose to move in to the inner bonding process and learn about your fears. Instead of attempting to control your partner, your fears will actually gradually keel. And this is how we grow emotionally and spiritually by learning. Instead of controlling relationships thrive.

When both partners feel safe to be themselves and to discuss the problems when they arise, there is always going to be problems in Relationships. That’s not the issue is how you deal with them and partners feel safe when they know they can rely on each other to be open and caring, even when there’s conflict, which means consistently cultivating an intention to learn with yourself and with you is your partner with you.

You need to be able to rely on ourselves and, and rely on each other to stay open, to learning about our own wounds and about our own controlling behavior. There’s nothing that grinds loved down more than controlling behaviors or behaviors that are intent on avoiding your feelings, such as ignoring your feelings, judging yourself and your partner, or turning to addictions, to numb out your feelings. If you’re currently not in a, in a relationship, and then take this time to learn, to stay open with your own feelings and learn what they’re telling you, rather than continue to abandon yourself.

When you feel pain, learning to stay open with yourself, it makes it much, much easier to stay open with a partner. If it were currently in a relationship, do the same thing. Take time to learn, to be present with your own feelings, with an intention to learn, which are steps one and step two of inner bonding. Now another powerful choice is to treat your partner with kindness, with empathy, compassion, and acceptance.

Empathy is the ability to feel what another person is feeling and compassionate is deeply caring about your own and your partner’s pain. It’s only when we feel into other’s feelings that we can inquire about the effects that our behavior has on them. It’s only when people are able to stay open to empathy and compassion for themselves and others, even when they’re angry or upset that they are reliable in their ability, take care of caring, disappears, okay?

When there’s no empathy and compassion. And then the partner on the other end of this may feel as if they’re walking on eggshells. They never know when it rains, caring will be gone so well. It’s important to treat your partner and others the way you want to be treated. And then of course is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all learn to be treated lovingly with kindness, empathy, compassion, understanding, respect, and acceptance.

We need to learn to treat ourselves this way and we need to treat our partner and others this way Relationships thrive. When both people treat each other with kindness now, right? Well, there’s no guarantees often treating another person with cancer. It brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistent, instantly angry, judgemental, uncaring, and unkind, then you need to focus on what it would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to your controlling behaviors or your anger and blame and judgment and withdrawal well and resistance or compliance.

Now, kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important. And seeing you can do, if you are consistently kind to yourself and to your partner, okay? And your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn on a bit available. Then you either need to accept that you’re going to have a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship.

You can’t make your partner change. You can only change yourself. This is just being open to learning is essential in creating a safe relationship space. So it was kindness. If you were not brought up with a kindness and you’ve been judgmental with yourself and others rather than kind, then practice keeping the choice of kindness forefront in your mind, Relationships thrive when loving yourself and your partner is your highest priority.

For most people, protecting against pain has been their highest priority. So it takes a lot of practice to successfully make love a higher priority than avoiding pain Relationships are growing and becoming balanced when both partners are intent, okay, and developing empathy and compassion for themselves and each other without empathy and compassion, there can be no and no true intention to learn because it’s only the Loving adult aspect of ourselves that is capable of feeling empathy and compassion for both yourself and your partner.

Sure. Our ego one itself is incapable of empathy and compassion and incapable of being open to learning. And this is the part that’s in charge when our intention is to control rather than to learn. Now, another important choice has to create a date, the times making relationship time, a high, you know, when, when people first fall in love that they make time for each other, otherwise they wouldn’t even get to know each other.

But then, you know, and, and especially after having children, they get really busy, but Relationships need time to thrive. It’s a vitally important to set aside specific times to be together. Right? Good to talk to play, to make love intimacy. Can’t be maintained without time to get. Yeah. There well, one of the greatest experiences in life is the sharing of love. And this takes time learning and growth, intimacy, connection, and passion are the natural results of creating a safe, open kind and loving relationship space.

And all of this takes time spending connected time together, relaxing, laughing, sharing, and cuddling are essential for creating a lot, a long lasting thriving, loving relationship. Now how about choosing gratitude instead of complaints, positive energy flows between two people. When there’s an attitude of gratitude, constant complaints, crazy, a heavy, the negative energy, which is not fun to be around practice, being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have.

Complaints create stress well, gratitude creates inner peace. So gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well. Now also fun and play and creating a loving relationship. We all know that work without play makes Jack a dull boy. Well work without a doubt. Play also makes for Dole Relationships Relationships flourish when people laugh together and play together.

And when humor is a part of everyday life, he’s not taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life intimacy flourishes. When there is a lightness of being not when everything feels heavy because of all the complaints. Oh, another wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others feels the heart and creates a deep feeling of satisfaction in the soul.

Doing service moves you out of yourself, out of your own problems. And it supports a more spiritual view, right? Life, all of that. So vitally important is integrity regarding your word and your community, the occasion. So integrity means being really the liable and trustworthy with your word. It means doing what you say you’re going to do. It means being honest and telling the truth about yourself.

And it means not doing anything that you would not want others to know about, that you would not want to have announced publicly. It means walking your talk, adhering to the moral principles and standards that you profess or are important to you. And it means being accountable for your actions and taking responsibility for your feelings. So here’s an example of how a lack of integrity in his word was ruining a relation.

A client of mine I’ll call him Ray. Well, it did with me because his 10 year marriage was running into severe difficulties. He was very deeply in love with his wife. I was terrified of losing her at the outlook was not great with the way things had been going in their marriage. Ray was a scientist and part owner of a large and successful lab. He loved his work and often got lost in what he was doing forgetting about the time his wife Vicky had learned to accept this about Ray and no longer took it personally when he worked long hours and came home late.

But the one thing that really upset her was it one way when Ray said he would be home in a particular time and then came home hours later without ever letting her know without calling her. She had told Ray many times that he, if he would just call and tell her he’d be late or not even give her a time, it would be fine when he did call or it didn’t give her a particular time. It was fine.

But too often, after telling her at the time he didn’t show up and he didn’t call. And this made Vicky feel crazy made. When he finally arrived home, after not calling, she was closed off and distant. Ray would then get upset with her for being closed. She was reaching the point where she was no longer willing to be treated with what she felt like was disrespectful to her. Ray was not acting with integrity because he was saying one thing and doing another and a half as a result of this, he was feeling badly about himself, but blaming Vicky’s withdrawal for his painful feelings, which was only deepening is lack of it.

I have integrity. Not only was he not keeping his word, but he was not being accountable for his actions and was blaming Vickie for his feelings. So as we explored why Ray didn’t call Vicky, it became apparent that he had learned as a child to be a caretaker. He was actually a very kind and loving person, but he was always trying to please everyone, because he couldn’t bear. What he was projecting on to Vicky was disappointment.

He thought she was feeling disappointed. He would tell her what he thought she wanted to here, which was a time that he would be home. Then the moment he felt that conflict between what he wanted and when he thought Vicky won it, you would space out and go unconscious, avoiding the whole situation. And by ignoring the time, right? But even though he was doing what he wanted to do, he would feel tense inside his inner child was not happy with his lack of integrity, but he would choose to ignore his stressful feelings and then dump them on Vicky.

When he finally got home, as we explored the great stress, his lack of integrity caused him. Ray began to see that he needed to keep his word, not just for Vicky, but for himself. He began to understand that not being true to his word was harming him and causing him to feel inadequate, no matter how much he worked and no matter how much money he made, our soul has a deep and natural sense of integrity.

We can’t ignore this without harming ourselves. Ray realized that by going unconscious, because he didn’t want to deal with possible conflict, who was not only causing more conflict with, with Vicky, but he was letting himself down in a way that was deeply harmful to himself. Right. Okay. And finally, one more important choice. It is developing your spiritual connection, which is vital for creating a loving relationship.

Relationships flounder. When you make your partner, you’re a source of love or your partner, isn’t supposed to be your higher power. You have your own higher power. And this is your infinite source of love. When your intent is to learn about loving yourself and loving your partner and you open to learning about this with a source of spiritual guidance, you’ll learn to fill yourself up with love, to share with you is your partner. Again, tried to have control over getting love, ruins.

Relationships sharing, love it creates intimacy and connection with your partner. Now think for a moment about this. What makes you most connected with your partner? We all want to feel connected with our partner or brands are actually hard wired to share love and connection with others. Yeah, but before I go into a list of what may make it, what may make you feel connected with your partner?

I wanna offer you a list of what might make you feel disconnected from your partner. So as I, as I go over to this list, think about what creates disconnection for you. Anger, blame, ridicule, sarcasm, harshness, threats, any kind of attack or verbal abuse, withdrawal resistance, indifference shutting down, shutting you out, being silent, closed refusing to talk about the issues between you and of course, physical violence or the threat of physical violence.

Being a victim sulking pulling poor me to yours, harping nagging, explaining, defending, being parental judgemental, critical having to be right, shutting you out with various addictions, alcohol and drugs, pot, TV, computer, cell phone, video games, pornography. So on spending money when you can’t have it afford it being so frugal that you can enjoy life, not take it taking care of himself or herself by eating badly, lack of exercise, being overweight, talking on and on about himself or herself, lack of interest in you and your interest and your feelings.

And what’s important to you expecting you to give yourself up for the other person. I’m not being concerned with how his or her behavior affects you, giving it up. So there’s a lot of attention, but ignoring you. I’m sure all of these, when they happen in your relationship, create a feeling of disconnection with your partner. Now, each of us experienced connection differently and for a relationship to thrive, we need to understand what connection means to each of us.

So I’m going to list some things here. Then I want you to think about what feels like connection for you, shows you in many ways that he or she cares about your feelings is open to learning with you. When you have conflict shares his or her thoughts and feelings with you listens and gives you his or her full attention. When you’re talking is physically affectionate with you without a sexual expectation desires to make love with you.

Initiate sex with you is responsive to your sexual advances makes plans for the of you to have fun together. Let’s you know, that time with you is very important to him or her is interested in hearing about your day compliments. You notices when you get your hair cut or you get something new tries to understand, and what’s going on with you when you’re upset, rather than getting angry or problem-solving or judging you, are we, the drawing is there for you with kindness and compassion when you’re hurting, even if what you’re hurting about concerns, something he or she did keeps his or her word never threatens the relationship.

Even when you’re having a hard time with each other laughs and plays with you, does fun things together with you like dinner and movies, social events, vacations stands up for you when others are being mean to you, supports you. When you need support, supports you in doing what brings you joy. Even if it’s not what he or she wants to do, buys you gifts that are meaningful to you.

Here’s about how his or her spending affects you, supports you in doing work. You love, even if you don’t make a lot of money enjoys cuddling with you. Let’s, you know, in many ways how much he or she appreciates you, converse it is Converse’s with you in two way conversations, not monologues, never deliberately says things that he or she knows are hurtful to.

You takes responsibility for his or her feelings rather than blaming. You mean you, it takes response. That’s a reality for his or her health and wellbeing is interesting. Okay? And what interests you enjoy a small talk with you. When it rains, each partner learns to love and connect with them, right? Selves. They can then share their love and connection with their partner. And it’s important to understand what connection means to each of you, what you each need with the other person in order to have connection.

So, you know, if you’re in a partnership, you might want to hear this with your partner and talk about what you eat. You need to feel connected with them. I hope you take to heart. What needs to happen to create a loving relationship. If you and your partner agree to these choices, this is you’re going to be amazed at the improvement in your relationship. So I hope if you’re not practicing in her bond, then you go to Inner bonnie.com take free seven day course, perhaps take some of the other courses.

If you want to have a loving relationship, if you want to improve your relationship, I really encourage you to take my relationship course, wildly, deeply, joyously and love. This is going to help you with all relationships. Not just if you’re in a primary partnership with somebody, with all relationships. So I really encourage you to start to focus on doing what you can to create a loving relationship with yourself, a loving relationship with those around you.

And if you’re in a partnership to create a loving relationship with your partner, God bless you. I send you my love and blessings.

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