S1 EP31 – Ending Relationships Gracefully

Transcript

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret. Paul here with the Inner Bonding podcast today. I want to talk about how are you Two Ending Relationships Gracefully. I often hear this question for my clients. How do I end a relationship without hurting someone’s feelings? Whether it’s a romantic Relationship or a friendship Ending, it Gracefully Is often a big deal And the price, The problem comes up because so many people will see it as a reflection of their worth. When someone doesn’t want to meet you With them, they say to themselves, if I was good at Enough, this person would wanna be with me.

So there must be something wrong with them For me. However, there is another way to see this, the way that I see it as that for each of us, there is A relatively small number Of people with whom we feel a deep connection. You can explain this as do to again, Being part of the same social group and the spiritual realm or to having similar energies are to it, A mystery. But the fact is that we don’t feel connected to most people. And just because I don’t know, I don’t feel connected with someone doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong With them.

Just because You don’t feel drawn to spend time with someone doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with that person. And just because someone doesn’t connect with you, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong. I’m with you. It’s just the way things are. And it has nothing to do with there being anything wrong with anyone. So if I say to someone, I don’t feel a strong connection between us. I’m simply stating a fact, I’m not making a judgment about the person’s adequacy or the person’s work Worth. And this applies even to Ending long-term relationships.

Sometimes people grow in different directions or one partner grows on the other. Doesn’t no longer feeling connected with a partner. Doesn’t mean That there’s anything wrong with either Of you. So you say to a spouse or a partner Who, who you have been with For quite a while. I no longer feel connected To you. Doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with either of you. When we’re dating all of us, meet perfectly wonderful people with whom we just don’t feel a connection. That person might be very attractive.

They may have similar interests to us. They might even be on a similar growth path Or a spiritual path. Yet we just don’t connect the, that ignites friendship or romance. It just doesn’t exist if we can. All except that someone not wanting to be with us has nothing to do with our worth. We wouldn’t get hurt. When someone says no to a friendship or to a romantic relationship, I don’t Pretend to understand all the factors that create connection between two people. All I know is that all of us have the experience of connection with another, that occurs deeply and rapidly.

We all have that experience, as Well as the experience of a lack of connection. Many people I’ve had The experience of being fixed up with someone Because a friend said, I just Know you to a, like each other. You’re So similar only to discover a complete lack of connection. So for, For example, Katie, a client of mine recently said to me, everyone said, Rick is perfect for me. We look good together. We have similar interests and backgrounds. We’re the same religion we’re equal educationally. And he’s a really sweet Guy. I kept thinking That if I just gave it time, I would feel it Connection, but it never happened.

It felt so badly breaking up with them because there’s nothing wrong with him. But the connection just isn’t it, There is it anyone’s Fault that the chemistry or connection isn’t There. Of course not. There’s nothing wrong with either Katie or Rick, the connection just isn’t there for Katie. And she couldn’t make it be there. She ended up saying it And to Rick, you’re a really terrific guy. I wish I felt the connection with you that I want to have a lot. No, the partner, but I don’t know. That’s not your fault. It’s just not there. And Katie was able to say this to you, Rick, because, Because she had worked on letting go of responsibility for his feelings, It is whether or not Rick felt hurt by this is really up to him.

If we can say, This is the belief system that not everyone will feel connected with everyone, Then it won’t feel hurt if he has the balloon And the system that if a woman doesn’t connect with him, there’s something wrong. I’m with him. Then he’s going to feel hurt. His hurt will be coming from his belief system, not from the fact that Katie broke up with him. So think Ending Relationships Gracefully means speaking our truth without blame or judgment and not taking responsibility for another story Feelings, Randy. Who’s another one of my clients recently told me, yeah, That she was able to tell the truth rather than give herself up to avoid hurting.

If someone, a friend had introduced her to Barb thinking that Randy And Barb had a lot in common and it could be good Friends, Randy got Together with Barb and felt no for sure. Action. In fact, she felt the opposite. Well, Randy, for you, I know that Barb was a sweet person. She also felt Barb’s energy pulling on her in various ways. Well, some people might not mind needing energy or even find it in Dearing. Randy didn’t like it. She was pleased Or their self because she was able to tell Barb that you just didn’t feel the connection With her. Randy was able To let go of taking responsibility for Barb’s feelings.

For Barb’s feelings of BARR felt hurt by it. It is they’re all the way. It was a way of breaking up or saying no to a relationship without someone else Getting hurt. No, but by gently speaking your truth, you know, You can Gracefully end the relationship. And if you accept that another’s feelings come from his or her belief system, then you won’t feel guilty if the other person feels Okay. But sometimes people in Relationships ’cause they don’t want to do their own inner work.

Their way, Lack of connection might be coming from their own closed Heart. So For example, Catherine and Matthew were both in their fifties and had been together for two years. Both had previously been married and divorced. And when they met, they fell madly in love, which lasted forever A few months. Then the conflicts began With Catherine and Matthew let their marriage is because they were with partners who were unwilling to open, to learning In conflict. They both Wanted to find the person who would learn and grow With them. And they found Each other at a personal growth as well.

But you know, Every time a conflict occurs, which is often at this point in their relationship, they would both threatened to leave. Catherine was constantly Yelling. I’ve had it. I’m leaving. Well, Matthew yells, why don’t you? Why don’t you just leave? They each had a foot out the door. Sometimes leaving is just an easy way out, but can you, I asked for it. And Matthew were stuck in a typical control, resist Relationships system. Katherine wants to leave because she is so frustrated by Matthew is constant withdrawal and resistance while Matthew wants to leave because he couldn’t stand Katherine’s constant attempts to it And to control him and make him responsible for her feelings.

But leaving was actually A waste of time for both Catherine And Matthew, Because these two people had had exactly what they asked for someone to learn and grow with both Catherine and Matthew were willing to learn, to explore. At some point after the conflict, each Slowly became more aware of their end Of their dysfunctional relationship system. They had left. They would of had no one to come up against no one who triggered their issues. So there are issues would not be addressed until they were in another relationship. And then of course it was same issues would surface The people I work with often believe that it would be easier to start over with someone else or easier to be alone.

I assure them that in my experience, all learning and growing relationships are challenging. That all couples who desire to create a really Wonderful and loving relationship, I have to go through the trenches Of healing, their woundedness within the relationship, maybe easier To be alone, but as the lonely and the major Relationship issues will never get healed. So even, yeah, If you don’t currently feel a connection with your partner, Inner, if you’re both on a growth path, you might want to hang in, You’re a person who deeply desire to continue your emotional and your spiritual growth.

And you’re with a partner who also desires this, then don’t leave no matter how bad the fights get are, the distance gets and less there’s continued physical violence or intense, emotional verbal abuse Use. Then keep at it. It’s too easy to leave it to easy to blame the other person. It’s too easy to miss the incredible opportunity that Relationships provide for healing and growth this year, Especially important to hang in there when children are involved. Now I’m not saying to stay just for the children, Through with a physically violent or emotionally abusive partner or a partner who has no desire to take any responsibility or a substance abuser who has no desire to heal from his or her addiction.

Then you do need a likely you need to leave. But if you have a partner who is on a growth path is willing to learn and explore with you, be willing to have counseling with you are willing to Learn, to take responsibility for their own feelings. Then leaving might not be the answer no matter, And how difficult things get. At times, you have a responsibility to yourself, To your partner and to your family, to do the learning you came to this planet to do. So don’t miss this opportunity. Do we evolve your soul in your ability to love?

If you’re fortunate enough to be with a partner who at least some of the time open to learning with you, you are actually very fortunate. The relationship will take you to the devil, One of your dark side and to the Heights of your ability To love it will take you where you need to go. So don’t give up just because it’s so hard. The challenge is to keep going within connecting with your feelings and your inner wisdom and learning what it means to move beyond one compliance, anger, resistance, taking things personally, punishing the other threats and bullying, blaming, and being a victim.

And even if you think your open and your partner isn’t, it would be in your highest good to stay in the relationship until you die. Be able to remain loving too yourself and your partner, no matter what your partner is to do. Anyway, as long as you are triggered by your partner’s behavior, your healing isn’t complete. And there’s no point in leaving. Unless of course, what I mentioned before about violence and addictions and all of that. If you reach a point where you’re no longer triggered by your partner’s behavior, you might discover that your partner has also changed. Even though you believed that he or she was not open to learning and growing.

However, if you’re a partner re remains closed and there is really nothing more for you to learn, then it might be time for you to leave. Do you reach a point, Your own growth, where you feel happy and connected with yourself and your higher guidance, but you still don’t feel connected with your partner. Then it might be time to leave. It’s not always easy to know when to end a relationship. In the many years that I’d been working with Relationships many thousands of couples have come to me wondering if they should end their relationship.

Most of the time, these people were in love at one point, but her now really Miserable with each other or one partner. It is miserable with the other. And generally they just don’t know what the real problem is. They know what they don’t like about the other person. They know they don’t feel connected with each other. They know they can’t communicate about what’s important to them. They know that. Do they fight about money or sex or time or Georgia Or chores, or are hundreds of other things, are they ignore the problems and are distant? What they don’t is what the real problem is.

Leaving a relationship before. Knowing what the real problem is, is generally a waste of time. Aside, as I said, of course, when a physical or emotional abuse or a severe addiction, especially if you eventually want to be in another relationship, instead of just being alone reason, it’s a waste of time is because of whatever your doing to create your unhappiness. You’re not going to just stop doing just because you leave the relationship. You take yourself with you and you leave. And unless you heal your part of the relationship system, you’re going to continue to behave in ways that eventually destroys relationships.

You might be surprised that the time to leave is not when you’re miserable all the time to leave. When it is when you’re is actually, when you are happy and joyful and peaceful, as I said earlier, Or when you learned how to make yourself happy and bring yourself peace and joy. And if your partner is still distant and angry and needy and disconnect and resistant and unloving are acting out addictively, then it may be time. I have to leave. If that’s what you want. When I work with couples, I help each partner learn. Through the practice of Inner. Bonding how to take full responsibility for their own feelings and needs.

Obviously, if both people are behaving in ways that bring themselves joy, they will have a lot of love to share with each other. But as long as they’re stuck, believing that their unhappiness is the other person’s fault, they are being victims as well. It does is they want to control the other person and get them to behave the way. And they want him to behave as victims. They are afraid of being rejected, are controlled and are behaving in ways to protect themselves and what they fear all the time. Why is their trying to have control over not being rejected, right?

Okay. Controlled are creating the relationship problems. So when you’re, Until you become aware of how you are being a victim and how you are trying to control your part Partner, and you are Successful and taking care of your own feelings And needs, there’s just no point in leaving. Most People who are unhappy in Their relationship or reactors, the reactors And the other person’s controlling behavior with their own controlling Behavior. So for example, when Joseph criticizes, her Hannah shuts down. When Hannah shuts down, Joseph criticizes her when cliff, It gets angry at Joe Joe defends lectures and explains himself when Joe Lectures, cliff gets angry and resistant.

When Robert is demanding, Ingrid givers gives herself up to comply with Robert’s demands in the more Ingrid complies. The more Robert demands when Michelle complains Deborah resists, the more Deborah resists, the more Michelle complaints when Craig acts like an irresponsible kid, Karen becomes a parental and judgemental. The more Karan is parental and judgmental. The more Craig is resistant irresponsible. Can you see that each person is involved in this system? Each of these people are reacting in controlling ways, rather than acting in ways that take care of themselves.

Both people are participating in creating a negative circle and generally they then blame the other person for their own reaction. If you wouldn’t criticize it, I wouldn’t withdraw will. If you wouldn’t withdraw than I wouldn’t criticize. If you weren’t so resistant, I wouldn’t get angry. If you weren’t so angry, I wouldn’t resist. So Jacob criticizes, Hannah might speak up for herself instead of shutting down saying something like Jacob, I don’t like being criticized. I’m not willing to have this discussion until we can be open with each other.

When Hannah shuts down, Jacob could be curious, instead of critical is saying something like, I know you must have a good reason for withdrawing from me. Do you want to talk about it? When cliff got angry, Joe could disengage from the conversation instead of trying to talk them out of his feelings, he would give up trying to have control over Jo’s anger and how Joe seasoned and take care of himself. When Joe tries to control Clif with his lecturing and explaining, instead of trying to control him with his anger, cliff could speak up for himself telling Joe that he doesn’t like it when he tries to talk them out of his feelings. So there’s no point leaving a relationship until you learned to act in ways are loving too yourself and your partner instead of reacting, controlling, resistant ways, leaving only delays this learning until your next relationship.

So why not learn and practice the inner bonding process before giving up on your relationship. So now I do want to talk about the five reasons why you might want to end your relationship, which I hope you learned to do. Gracefully when I married my ex-husband in 1963, I was determined to create a stable, loving relationship. I wanted an intact family where we can raise our children and Cher the joys of our grandchildren. We did raise our children together, but ended the marriage. After 30 years, we do get to share the joys of our grandchildren, but as friends, rather than as partners through the process of our difficult marriage in my 52 Years of counseling individuals and couples, I learned a lot about Why it’s better for some relationships To end.

So of course, So what I’ve said is physical and or verbal abuse. If there’s physical abuse or severe verbal abuse, this relationship, It should end. It’s never loving too yourself to stay in a REAL That is physically dangerous to you or your children, nor is it loving to yourself or your family for you to be consistently subjective. Good. Do you intense, heartbreaking, verbal abuse. Everyone deserves to be loved and deserves to be supported for who they are. And if you’re with a partner who can’t do this and you need to love and support yourself enough to not be subjected to abuse.

And another reason as I’ve mentioned is addictions. So Since addiction such as alcohol or drugs, that interfere with the ability of you and your wife, A partner to connect with each other can cause much loneliness and heartbreak, as much as you and your partner might love each other. You deserve to be with someone whose love is reliable and process addiction such as, again, such as a gambling Addiction that threatens your financial security Or a sexual Addiction, such as pornography or affairs Lead to much heartbreak and a lack of trust. The fares can also Lead to a physical danger due to a sexually transmitted Diseases, unless your partner wants to heal these addictions and is receiving help, you will likely continue to suffer and be at the mercy of the addictions.

You know, another reason to leave is a personality disorder. Well, Personality disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder can be healed. It takes much motivation on the part of the person with the disorder. Do you know, There is no motivation to heal than being at this time. Another end of the anger and neediness control issues. And crazy-making, It may not be healthy for you are expecting someone to change. If they are not receiving intensive, help is completely unrealistic. You will wait forever.

People are attractive and Their common level of woundedness are there common level Health. So another reason for leaving is that you might grow apart during the relationship. If you and Your partner were both abandoning yourself when You met. And if you went on a healing and growth that your partner didn’t, then it’s likely that you are growing apart. This is what happened in my marriage. Isn’t it? I learned. And I healed through a lot of inner work working with a lot of different therapists and working with Inner Bonding are formerly codependency Shifted, and I was no longer willing to be a caretaker.

Our relationship was a bit Based on the caretaker taker codependent system. So when I shifted this System, we stopped being able to connect on the wounded level on which we previously connected when our relationship Reached a place where there was no more learning and no more growth occurring and no connection, but yeah, Tween us. It was time to move on. And that’s another Reason to leave no learning or growth. One of the great values of Relationships is a bit Being able to heal, learn, and grow emotionally and spiritually with each other There.

When one partner is not available to learn and grow, the relationship can be boring and stagnant as well. At the beginning, when there’s passion and excitement might not be evident that learning and growth is not a priority, but as time goes on, you might find yourself feeling sad that you can’t share the excitement of learning and growth with Your partner. Sometimes A partner who’s not interested in learning. It can be supportive of the other, continuing to learn and grow with others. But if you’re a partner is threatened by your learning and growth, then it might be time. I’m going to leave again, leaving Gracefully It really isn’t about blaming anyone or making anyone wrong.

And it’s not about taking responsibility for the, you know, Other person’s feelings. It’s about loving yourself. Now, If You are in a relationship that you want to improve. I encourage you to take my course wildly, deeply joyously in love. It’s a really wonderful 30 day course that will help you so much with your relationship. And even if you’re not in a relationship, you might want to take the course because it’s going to help you in future relationships. And if you don’t know, Inner Bonding, please go to our website in your body.com Take our free or free Inner Bonding course.

And You want to go further and take the love yourself. Of course. So of course, Portant to learn to love yourself. This is the basis of loving Relationships. When we love ourselves and fill ourselves with love, then we have loved to share with a partner and the other, The more we love ourselves, the more discerning we are of who’s on them. So open to learning and is loving themselves. So I encourage you to learn and practice and her bonding, bring it into your life every day. Wait until it becomes a natural part of your life. I wish all of you have a wonderful day and sending you my love and blessings