S1 EP34 – What Does Having Sex Mean to You?

Transcript

Hi everyone. This is Dr. Margaret Paul with the Inner Bonding podcast. And today I want to talk about what does having sex mean to you? Obviously Sex means different things to different people, and what it means to you might be very, very different than what it means to your partner. And this might be having a negative impact on your relationship, or even on creating a loving relationship. As you will see, I’ve been Counseling individuals and couples for many, many years, and at least half the time when couples are having problems in the relationship or the relationship is, is actually falling apart as dissolving Sex is one of the major issues.

And there’s a number of common scenarios, and I’d like to go through some of them with you. So one of them is that after a long marriage with regular Sex, he comes home to discover that his wife has left. He’s devastated, and he has no idea why, but after learning, you know, after exploring what’s going on in, it turns out that he has expected sex at least three times a week. And while his wife complied, he knew that she felt emotionally disconnected from him and kind of needed to grit her teeth in order to have sex With him.

So looking Back, he now realizes that she tried to express this to him, and he just had refused to listen to her. And now she was gone. And another scenario is that the partners are still together, but Sex is essentially gone from the relationship. And this happens a lot of in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships. One partner may be more upset about this then the other partner. So another scenario is that one partner has clearly stated that he or she is just no longer available for Sex the partner States that he or she feels used during sex and is just no longer willing to tolerate This.

The other partner is angry and very hurt by This. Another scenario is Sex is still a big part of the relationship, but one partner States that he or she is giving themselves up to have sex and is very unhappy about the situation, but the compliant partner fears, the anger and the withdrawal that generally happens when he or she says, no. Another scenario is one partner. Generally the woman in a heterosexual relationship says that she doesn’t feel anything during sex. So she’s unmotivated to have sex.

Orgasm is nonexistent for her, or a very rare. And another one is that sex has become boring and routine with a little passion. So one or both partners are unmotivated. Now, of course there’s other scenarios, but these are the most common ones that, that I’ve run across in my work. And invariably, when I’ve explored with one or both partners, I’ve discovered that the underlying causes of many of these scenarios has to do with why one of the partners wants to have sex. And there’s two underlying basic reasons that people want to have sex.

One is to get something. And the other is to share love and warmth and caring and connection. So unfortunately, many people want to have sex to get something. If you’re in a relationship where you want Sex and your partner, doesn’t thank for a moment about why you want or why you feel the need to have sex. See if you can relate to any of these, do you need to have sex in order to feel happy, or are you a good feeling? Is your happiness attached to your partner having sex with you?

Or do you feel that you’re adequate, that you’re not a loser only when your partner wants to have sex with you? Otherwise you just feel your inadequate has having sex make you feel loved and lovable. In other words, you don’t, you haven’t learned to give that to yourself or your partner is responsible for you feeling loved and lovable, or you want to have sex to feel connected with your partner, but you’re not connected with yourself. You, you get connections through your partner, or do you want me to have sex to release stress, which makes it addictive. You don’t know how to deal with your stress or to be able to go to sleep. You know, of course your using your partner, if that’s the case, or do you want to have sex to feel powerful and in control of your partner or to feel safe?

You know, sometimes people have sex because that’s what makes them feel safe, makes them feel validated or, or it makes you feel whole, or of course, to release sexual tension. But if that’s the only reason, then your partner will feel used or you feel empty and you want to have sex to feel filled up inside. So when you approach your partner from a place of wanting to get something you’re coming from a needy state, your neediness is likely not a turn on for your partner. Neediness may feel to your partner like you’re a child that you may not.

That, that, that there’s no real powerful adult there. And that may not be at all attractive to your partner, wanting Sex to share love and warmth and, and intimacy and affection and connection comes from a completely different place inside. Then Sex to get something in order to have love and connection to share, you have to already be connected with yourself and you have to already be filled up with love, which is a result of practicing inner bonding. When you practice in her bonding, you learn to love yourself, and you’ll learn to connect with your source of spiritual guidance or the source of love so that you feel full of love to share.

When you approach your partner, you can’t share something that you don’t already have. And obviously you can’t share a love and connection when you’re feeling unhappy or empty or inadequate or unlovable or disconnected from yourself, stressed or agitated or angry or, and eating to feel in control of your partner. If You have your partner having sexual problems, you each may want to examine the relationship system between You. Is There a control resist system where one of you, or just trying to control a lot like with anger or blame are being a victim and the other person is just shut down or a resistant.

Is there a control compliance system where again, one person’s trying to control and the other is controlling covertly by giving themselves up and compliant. Is there a compliance compliance system where you’re both giving yourself up? You’re both caretakers. You’re both trying to please the other. And that, that often leads to kind of no juice kind of deadness in the system. Any of these systems may be bypassing the true sharing of love and joy. That sexuality between loving and caring partners Offers. Yes. And sometimes people confuse the desire for sex, with the desire for affection, for a holding or for mothering, where you held enough as a baby, where you ever held with unconditional Love in the first six months of your life, Loving person holds you most of the time or where you left alone a lot to cry, or if you were held, was it by a smothering or, or a cold and distant Person.

So today, as an adult, you still feel a need for a holding for do you wish you could be held and rocked like a baby, many people who did not receive the holding they needed as infants grow up with a deep longing to be held in the way that they needed to be held as a baby. But because it’s not easy in our society to receive this kind of holding as an adult, many people confuse this need was Sex. In other words, they sexualize the need for affection and holding.

So here’s an example. And Natasha consulted with me because she had a hard time connecting with people, having been abused and neglected as a child. She never experience a sense of bonding with another person. She was aware of a deep longing to be held and physically nurtured by a woman. And she had concluded as a result of this longing that she was a lesbian. She had become sexually involved with a woman in the hopes of fulfilling the longing, but it wasn’t happening. And so she was very confused.

How come when Gail holds me, it doesn’t heal that longing in me. She asked me Natasha. I said, what generally happens when Gale holds You, we end up having sex. She said, so is your longing for sex or for loving holding? I really want the whole thing. She said. I thought if, if she held me that deep longing would go away, but it hasn’t. And I, I just don’t understand why Natasha. I said, when you were a baby and you needed loving holding, did you also need Sex?

Well, no, of course not. She said. And if someone had held you and then been sexual with you, or would that have been loving to you? What will absolutely not? She said, well, it’s no different today. I told her the little baby in you wants to have what she didn’t get. She wants to be held with love when you’re held with love. And then you have Sex, it’s actually violating to the little one within you. It’s a betrayal. This is why it’s not healing. You’re trying to heal the little baby with an adult activity. And this is never going to work. If you want a sexual relationship, then you have a sexual relationship.

But if you want holding and mothering, then you need to find a totally different kind of relationship. So does this mean I am or I’m or I’m I’m not gay. She asked, wanting to be mothered has nothing to do with being gay. Are you more sexually attracted to men or to women? To men? She said, I have much better sex with men than with Gail. Then it seems to me that you’re not gay. You’ve sexualized your need for mothering. And that is not going to heal the baby who just wants loving holding and mothering.

So what do I do? She asked, unfortunately, finding mothering. Isn’t easy. If you have a good friend, a relative who can hold you a tenderness and love, that would be great, but you also need to learn to open to your loving, spiritual guidance and bring that love into yourself. I suggest that you get a dollar, a stuffed animal that represents the baby in you and start to practice holding her and bringing her the love that she’s been longing for. You’re going to be surprised at how much healing you can receive by holding the little baby within you. But actually Natasha was very fortunate.

She had a motherly friend, a woman with children of her own, who is more than happy to hold her over the months of being held by her friend and of holding herself. The longing gradually healed. Natasha found that she was having a much easier time connecting with others. And she has started to date again. Now sometimes sexual attraction can be confusing regarding whether it’s coming from neediness and addiction or from love and intimacy. Megan asked the following questions in one of our zoom sessions over and over when I’m really attracted to a man.

And I sleep with him early in the relationship. I discover that he’s just not good husband material. What am I doing wrong? Am I just attracted to the wrong kind of men? This was a frequent question that I get for my single women clients. Megan. I said many men know how to project sexual energy in a way that arouses women, these men define their worth by their sexuality and by their ability to attract a woman, they know just how does sexually ignite a woman. It’s an energy that they’re putting out that goes right into your genitals and makes you think that something real and important is happening, but they’re operating or likely operating from a sexual addiction rather than from caring or intimacy for them.

Sex is often about conquest rather than about love, connection and intimacy. Of course, this is nuts. This isn’t always true, but it’s often True. So She asked, what should I be doing when I feel that powerful sexual Well, the traction. I need you to tell yourself that this feeling doesn’t mean anything. There’s just an energy that’s being projected on to you, but it has nothing to do with love. It has nothing to do with intimacy, caring or a marriage real long lasting relationships. Take time to evolve. If you feel sexual upon first meeting someone, there’s a good possibility that this man just wants a sexual encounter with you rather than a real relationship with you.

My suggestion to do is to not have sex early in a relationship. Even when you feel very, Very attractive. Well, she asked when do you have sex? You have sex. When you feel emotionally intimate, when you trust each other and you really care about each other’s wellbeing. When you know that the feelings are not just sexual and that the sexuality is coming from the emotional intimacy, rather than just from a sexual attraction or a sexual addiction, why not wait until there’s a commitment to the relationship and to learning and to growing with each other. How often have you slept with a man that you were really attracted to and then had the relationship not work Out More often than I’m willing to admit.

She said, this is what keeps happening. So are you saying that I should also go out with men that I’m not immediately attracted to? Well, yes. If you liked them, often sexual attraction grows as you really get to know a person. Many of my clients with the best relationships are people who are not immediately attracted to each other. The attraction grew as they fell in love with each other. Now, other people who were attracted immediately lost their attraction. As they got to know the person I told her many men can have sex and then just move on without any inner turmoil.

But most women feel connected to a man when they have sex with them. And then they feel awful when the relationship doesn’t work out, it’s not loving to yourself to sleep with the man early in the relationship and run the risk of being dumped because all he wanted was sex. And I also told her that another factor is that sex with or without emotional intimacy is often disappointing for both people. When you have sex too early in a relationship, it might not be emotionally or physically satisfying when sex isn’t an expression of love. It often just feels empty.

And then the guy might decide that you’re not the right person for him because there’s no fireworks. But if you had waited for love to develop it, might’ve been wonderful. So I hope you can see that you really have nothing to lose by waiting. But she said, I always think that a man won’t like me, if I don’t have sex with him, well, I told her if he doesn’t like having sex with you, what does this tell you about him? I guess it tells me that he’s not a good husband material, right? So you have nothing to lose by not having sex right away.

Okay. She said, I see that now I see that what I’ve been doing is never going to lead to marriage. I’m going to put Sex on the back burner and pay more attention to caring and intimacy through her inner bonding practice. Megan was able to completely change her pattern with men. And within a year, Megan was engaged to be married. Do You give yourself up with your partner and have sex when you don’t want to? Or are you afraid to say no, a deal asked me this question. If I don’t want to have sex with my partner, is that a form of control for me?

Therefore, I, I should have sex, even though it brings up painful feelings, should I just feel the feelings? They only come up at that time. Now in this situation, it’s important to identify the intent in not wanting to have sex or, and going ahead and having Sex. Does it sound like a Dell, his trying to control her partner by not having sex, but it does sound like she’s trying to control her own feelings. If a deal’s intent, where to learn, she’d be willing to allow the feelings to come up and then be willing to stop and explore the feelings at the time that she’s feeling them since they only come up during sex.

This might involve communication with their partner. Linear partner know that she’s having painful feelings and needs to stop and explore them. If Adele has sex with their partner and just feels the painful feelings without learning, then she’s giving herself up to her partner, which is a form of control. She’s too afraid of her partner’s reaction that she doesn’t stop to explore and learn from her painful feelings. Then she is trying to control how her, how her partner feels about her. This is her trying to control her partner through compliance. If the painful feelings are physical, then she needs to see a doctor and get checked out.

If the painful feelings are caused by vaginismus, which is a spasm of the vaginal muscles, making penetration very painful, or even a possible, she may need therapeutic help, perhaps there’s sexual abuse in her background that she needs to heal, perhaps their current problems in the relationship that you need attending to for partners coming from neediness regarding Sex. She might feel responsible for her partner and feel that she needs to give herself up to please her partner. If a partner is not empathic towards her pain, then her partner likely has some narcissism and a Dell needs to come to terms with this most important.

She needs to move into compassion for her own painful feelings and learn from them, avoiding them either by not having sex or by giving herself up and having sex without dealing with her feelings is self-abandonment the very fact that a deal is asking this question may indicate self-abandonment she wanted responsibility for her feelings. She would never just have sex and endure the pain, nor would she deprive yourself and deprive her partner of a loving sexual relationship by avoiding the problem.

It sounds like she’s judging herself for not wanting Sex and for possibly trying to control rather than opening to learning about the problem. If it turns out that there are problems in the relationship that are leading to the painful feelings, such as her partner being demanding or needy or wanting to use her sexually than adult would need to have the courage to address the problems with her partner. Her question indicates that she and her partner do not have an open arena in which to explore this issue or an open arena to perhaps explore any issue.

If this is the case, this itself might be the problem don’t likely needs to feel safe in the sexual situation. A lack of an open arena in which to explore, learn, and grow with each other, creates an unsafe environment and certainly affects the sexual relationship in order to move forward with his issue, a Dell needs to open to learning from her feelings rather than continue to avoid them. It is likely that her intent to avoid responsibility for her feelings lead to the question and the first place, sometimes intent can be quite subtle.

So is it okay to say no to Sex? I don’t look at it as okay. Or not. Okay. I look at it in terms of intention to either avoid pain with some form of controlling or avoidant behavior, or to learn about what’s loving to oneself and take loving action on your own behalf. It’s important in any relationship to explore what having sex means to each partner, sexual relationships remain vibrant and alive. When both partners desire to have sex from a place full of love for themselves and for each other, I encourage you to take my 30 day video course wildly deeply in love, wildly, deeply joyously in love this courses for anyone, whether or not you’re in a partnership.

And even if you have a good relationship, it’s going to help your relationship. And it will certainly help relationships that are floundering. And of course, I always encourage you to go to the Inner the Inner Bonding site take our free course. My love yourself, of course, is coming up in early January, which you can take at any time without my help, but with my help, it’s coming up January 13th. And there’s so much more on the Inner Bonding site that can be helpful to you. I wish all of you much love and many blessings.