Are you often angry and frustrated when people let you down by not doing what they say they are going to do? But, are you reliable and trustworthy with yourself and others? Not trusting others is often a reflection of being untrustworthy and unreliable with yourself. Most of us like to think we are honest people, people with integrity who speak the truth and are true to our word, but how often do you deny your truth to get approval or avoid disapproval or conflict? How often do you withhold your truth from someone important to you because you are afraid of their anger? You might believe you are withholding your truth to spare your partner pain, but is your real intent to protect yourself from the response you fear?
Hi everyone. This is Dr. Margaret Paul with the inner bonding podcast. And today I want to talk about something that I have found to be very, very important, particularly in relationships, but also with yourself. And that is the importance of being true to your word. Not only with others, but like I said, being true to your word with yourself, and I’m going to be talking about this. So I want you to think for a minute about whether or not you are reliable and you’re trustworthy with yourself and with others, do you do what you say you’re going to do?
And do you do it when you say that you’re going to do it, do you do it grudgingly or do you do it with caring and compassion? Can people trust you? When you say that you’re going to do something, can, can they trust your word? Is your integrity important to you? In my experience, there are many people who are not reliable and not trustworthy who have no actual sense of integrity regarding their word. They say, they’re going to do something without checking in with themselves to see whether or not they really want to do it.
So they say yes to please them manipulate others into liking them or approving of them. And then they feel trapped and resentful and they go into resistance. Their word is not reliable and trustworthy. You might want to ask yourself whether you see yourself as reliable and trustworthy is your integrity regarding your word, important to you. Do you follow through doing what you said you would do being on time with graciousness in both your business life and your personal life on time with what you say you’re going to do. Can people rely on you to follow through on your word?
And if not, why not? What might be more important to you than keeping your word is resisting, being controlled, more important to you, more important to your ego wound itself. Do you agree to do something that you don’t want to do in order to be nice and then feel trapped and not follow through is controlling someone with quote niceness more important than being honest and saying no to doing something that you really don’t want to do. Do you think you want to do it at the time because you failed to check inside with what you want or you don’t want, is it more important to control others than to be loving to yourself?
How has being reliable and trustworthy or not being reliable and trustworthy affected your relationship Chips. If you’re not being trustworthy with others, how has this affected your own trust in yourself? If you’re unreliable and untrustworthy with others, the chances are you’re also unreliable and untrustworthy with yourself. You might be creating a lot of anxiety for your inner child. If you make promises to yourself that you don’t follow through on, you know, like you tell yourself that you’re going to eat well, and then you don’t, you tell yourself you’re going to exercise.
And then you don’t things like that. You promise yourself things, and then you don’t follow through. And that would be like promising a child, something and not following through. They learn not to trust your word. So I was working with Alan on the first day of a five day intensive. I don’t trust you. Alan said to me, actually, I don’t trust anyone. Do you trust yourself? I asked, well, what do you mean? He, he said, does your inner child feel that he can trust you to do what you say you’re going to do? Can he trust you to be kind and caring and accepting of him to take good care of your health and your finances to be kind and trustworthy with others and to speak up for him with other people?
No, not at all. Alan said. So do you think it’s possible that you not trusting me or others is a projection of your inner child, not trusting you to be a trustworthy, loving adult, a person of integrity. Obviously This was the truth. Alan was very overweight. He was addicted to numerous substances. He was living on the edge financially. And he was in the process of getting a divorce rather than focusing on whether or not whether or not another person is honest and trustworthy. Try focusing on whether or not you’re being loving to yourself.
By being honest and trustworthy with yourself and others, Think for a moment About what you want from others. Most of us want the people close to us, to be honest, and kind to be accepting and true to their word, doing what they say they’re going to do. We want them to truly care about both our pain and our joy and to support our highest good many people get angry and critical when others are not honest and trustworthy. Yeah. How often do you love yourself enough to do these exact things for yourself?
How often do you abandon yourself by promising yourself to eat better, exercise, more, stop smoking, stop drinking, alcohol work harder, play more, get more rest. And then you don’t follow through on your promise to yourself. How often do you abandon yourself by telling yourself lies, that scare you statements that your wounded self has decided are true, but that actually have no basis at all in the truth. That’s not being a trustworthy and honest, loving adult. So until you decide to become a trustworthy, loving adult for your inner child, you likely won’t trust others, no matter how trustworthy they are.
And of course others are not going to trust you. And this has a huge impact on all of your relationships. Mahatma Gandhi said a no uttered for the deepest conviction is better and greater than a yes. Merely utter to please, or what is worse to avoid trouble. How often do you say yes when you really mean no to please or avoid trouble? How do you feel when you do this? Think about that. How do you feel inside? Do you realize that you’re rejecting yourself when you try to control others by giving yourself up saying yes.
When you really mean no, as a form of self-abandonment, that may feel safe for the moment when you get the approval or avoid the disapproval, but in the long run, your inner child is going to feel rejected on loved and unimportant to you and not trust you when it’s more important to you to get approval or avoid disapproval than it is, to be honest and loving to yourself. And with others, you’re likely going to end up feeling anxious or depressed. Is it really worth it? How often do you avoid your truth in order to avoid hurting someone’s feelings? How often do you have, how do you feel when you give yourself up?
Because you’re taking responsibility for another’s feelings instead of for your own, how can your inner child possibly feel important to you when you make another’s inner child’s feelings more important than your now of course, in order to be honest about your own truth, you have to know your truth. If you’re not being honest with yourself, avoiding your feelings with various addictions or you’re in denial about what you feel. Then obviously you can’t be honest with others. So think about how often do you do things that you don’t want to do? You make love when you want to, you spend some time with someone when you don’t want to, you eat something, someone else has cooked when you don’t want to eat it.
And you see a movie that you don’t want to see in order to avoid conflict. And how do you feel when you do this? How worthy and valued can you feel when you’re ignoring your own truth and being dishonest with the other person? How often Do you agree with someone in order to be liked? How often do you keep your mouth shut in order to avoid disapproval? How often do you not take actions such as stepping in when someone is abusing a child or an animal or speaking up when someone is being overtly or covertly racist to avoid the confrontation, how do you feel when you don’t act in integrity on your own truth and your own values?
Most Of us like to think of ourselves as honest people, but are you being honest when trying to control, getting approval, avoiding this approval and rejection and avoiding conflict is more important than being true to yourself and honest with others. Now, granted it takes courage to be honest, takes a strong, courageous, loving adult to take the risk of other’s anger or disapproval or ridicule or rejection. But if you look inside, you’re going to discover that not being true to yourself and true to your word has far greater consequences on how you feel about yourself than taking the risk of being honest.
The more you practice inner bonding, the easier it is, the easier it becomes to take the risk of honesty. The more you’re defining your own worth internally, rather than relying on others for your definition of yourself, the easier it is to not take others, disapproval and rejection personally, the more, you know, your own intrinsic goodness, which you can only know when you’re connected with your higher self, your higher source of guidance, the more you know that you deserve to have your own opinions and wants, and that no one else has the right to define what is okay for you to think, do or want.
It’s actually Easy to operate from truth and integrity being true to your word when you love and value yourself. Oh right. Yeah. Now take a few minutes to think about how honest you are yourself and with the people closest to you. Think about what you might be afraid of and saying no, when that’s what you mean when you mean now, and in taking loving action for yourself and with others, You might want to take some time to examine the beliefs behind your fears of being honest, and to look honestly at the consequences of not being true to yourself and true to your word.
Is it really more important to be willing to lose yourself rather than risk losing someone else or risk someone’s anger? So my client Johnny consulted with me because his wife, Rosemary had spent way too much on their credit card. And it put Johnny in a difficult financial position. Johnny knew from past experience that if he said something about it to Rosemary, she would exploded him, which would feel horrible to him yet, by not telling Rosemary about it. He was feeling depressed. I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place.
He said to me, I don’t know what to do, Johnny. What do you usually do when Rosemary gets angry at you? I asked him, I either get angry back or I get defensive or I shut down and I feel awful. What are the awful feelings I asked? Well, I feel hurt that she doesn’t care about how her behavior affects me. I feel sad and lonely that we can’t talk things out that we can’t talk about it with Karen rather than with anger. And it seems to me, I said that you cover these feelings up with your own anger and defensiveness and withdrawal.
Is that right? Yeah, I think that’s right. He said, what if you were to be compassionate towards your own feelings of loneliness and heartache? What if you were to give yourself the caring that you want from Rosemary? What if, when you tell her your truth and she gets angry rather than cares about you, you care about yourself bringing lots of gentleness, kindness, tenderness, and understanding to yourself. Do you think that would help you have the courage to speak your truth? Actually, that sounds good to me. He said, I think I can do that.
So what you’re saying is that if I give myself the caring I need, when Rosemary gets angry, then I can speak my truth rather than stay depressed and ruminate about it. Yes. If you know, you’re going to be there for yourself rather than abandon yourself in the face of Rosemary’s anger makes it easier to speak your truth. As long as you allow her anger to intimidate you into keeping quiet, then you’re allowing her anger to control you, which isn’t good for you or for her by choosing to be loving to yourself rather than avoid the conflict. You’re going to feel much better. Even if she does explode. Are you willing to try this regarding the credit card?
Yes. He said in our next session, Johnny reported that when Rosemary Explorer exploded as predicted, he was able to stay present and caring about himself. He was able to say everything he wanted to say, including how heartbreaking her anger was for him. He felt so much better in the conflict, lasted a much shorter time than usual. And then he and Rosemary were able to talk about the issue for the first time, took courage for Johnny to speak his truth. And he could only do it when he was being true to himself and taking loving care of himself.
Most of us want to be able to rely on another’s word. Is it too much to ask? Is it too much to ask others to be reliable? A woman asked me this question. It just seems easier to wish others would be civilized enough to just do what we would like sometimes even more so for those whom we rely upon, they’re supposed to care about us. Is this too much to ask or expect really? Why can’t we expect To re to be able to rely on others now, wouldn’t it be great if we could rely on others to do what they say they’re going to do.
But again, the question to ask yourself is, do you always do what you say you’re going to do? Actually I do. It’s really important to me to operate from integrity, but I actually find it somewhat rare to be able to rely on others, to do what, to do, what they say they’re going to do. So I’ve learned not to expect it. Many people hold unrealistic expectations regarding people doing what they say they’re going to do. If someone isn’t taking loving care of themselves, and if they keep letting themselves down, is it realistic to expect them to be reliable and do what they say they’re going to do for you?
They aren’t caring about themselves. How can you expect them to care about you? If they keep abandoning themselves, not speaking up for themselves, not listening to themselves, not getting places on time, not taking care of their space or their car, not paying bills on time, not eating well, not getting enough exercise or sleep. Why would you expect them to be reliable and caring with you? Doesn’t take long to see if someone is being reliable and loving with themselves. So the challenge is to be honest with yourself, is it loving to yourself to expect an unreliable person to be reliable?
It is too much to ask or expect an unreliable person to be released. You have no control over well, whether or not they operate with enough integrity to do what they say. They’re going to do both for themselves. And for you, what you do have control over is whether or not you choose to be with unreliable people and whether you then expect them to change the woman, asking the question is angry and frustrated, but perhaps she needs to look inside and see if her inner child is angry with her for expecting unreliable people to be reliable and for choosing to be with unreliable people and then complain about them.
The real issue for her to explore is why she chooses to be with unreliable people. If this is so frustrating to her, I often choose to be with unreliable people because they might have many other qualities that I value because I don’t expect them to be reliable. I don’t count on them. If I know they’re always late, then I don’t make dates to meet them somewhere. I’d rather visit them or pick them up and go together. Then wait for them somewhere. I’d rather them come and visit me at my house, or I can plan on expecting them to come at least an hour later. Then they say, I don’t ask unreliable people to do things that are important to me to get done, because I know that’s going to lead to frustration.
I try not to hire unreliable people to do work for me. And if they prove themselves unreliable, I let them go. Or of course I don’t hire them again. You put yourself in a victim position when you complain about people being unreliable, instead of being reliable to yourself and choosing not to rely on unreliable people, you can be angry. You can be judgmental and frustrated, but that isn’t going to change an unreliable person. You can keep expecting that they’re going to do what they say they’re going to do, but your expectations will have no effect on them and will always lead to you feeling upset and frustrated.
So I suggest you take your eyes off unreliable people and control what you can control, which is your choices regarding who you rely on and who you don’t as well as your choices regarding being reliable with yourself and with others. I think you will find that learning to keep your word with yourself and with others has a big payoff in terms of how you feel about yourself. So I really suggest if you don’t know inner bonding, you start to learn it and inner bonding.com.
You can really learn to become a trustworthy adult with the 30 day. Love yourself course. That course you can take at any time. And it’s very, very powerful in learning to become a trustworthy, loving adult with yourself and with others. There’s so much on the inner bonding website that will help you to learn inner bonding and support you in your inner bonding process, including in her bonding village. So I really hope that you take the time to explore the inner bonding firstname.lastname@example.org.
I’m sending you love and blessings for your highest good for a wonderful day, a wonderful week. I know this is a challenging time for so many and all the more reason to truly learn how to love yourself.