S1 EP45 – Unmasking the Ego Wounded Self

Episode Summary

Do you believe that your programmed ego wounded self is who you are? This is what your wounded self wants you to believe, but nothing could be further from the truth. Learn about who you are when you are operating from your wounded self, and how tricky the wounded self is. Much healing comes from unmasking the wounded self.


Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the inner bonding podcast. And today I want to talk about a topic that it’s not easy for a lot of people, and that is unmasking our ego wounded self. Are you going to itself as the part of us that we created to try and have control over getting love and avoiding pain? Of course, we needed this as a survival mechanism when we were young, but now this part of us is actually causing much of our pain, but it’s kind of sneaky. It’s kind of a sneaky and tricky part of us that doesn’t want you to know how much havoc it’s causing in your life.

And that it’s not actually the real you. So do you know when you’re in your wound itself? Most people actually don’t the wound itself is the part of us. That’s based on core shame, which is the false belief that there’s something essentially wrong with you. Most of us concluded this when we were very young, when we didn’t receive the love we needed, or we were getting neglected or abused in other ways, rather than conclude that our parents were incapable of loving us in the way that we needed to be loved, which would have left us feeling very helpless and, and hopeless.

We decided it was our fault that we were not receiving the love we needed. We decided we were defective, flawed in some essential way. Deciding this took us out of helplessness and hopelessness, because if it was our fault that we weren’t being loved, then we could do something about it. We could figure out how to be or how to act. In order to Brian have control over getting the love and approval we needed and avoiding the disapproval rejection or abuse that we feared. There’s a number of phrases that many of us say to someone when we’re in our wounded self and in a relationship by learning to listen to and hear ourselves, we can watch for these phrases to discern the fact that we are in the intention to protect and avoid and control.

So one of them is I don’t feel safe, said as a blame because the wound is helped believes that others are responsible for our emotional sense of safety. I feel judged whether or not another is judging us. Our feeling judged comes from having no loving adult inside to take care of us. No one can make us feel judged if we feel judged. It’s because we’re taking in another person’s judgment. Often when we’re in a wounded state, we project our own judgment onto others and believe they’re judging us, even when they aren’t.

I don’t feel seen when we have a loving adult who sees us. We’re not overly concerned with whether or not we’re being seen by others. Of course, it’s lovely to be seen. We all want to be seen, but we don’t get hung up on whether or not we’re being seen when we’re actually seeing and valuing ourselves. I don’t feel loved. Again. This is often a blame with the rest of the sentence being, and it’s your fault because you are not loving me. And of course, it’s really coming from not loving ourselves. I feel alone. And we feel this because we’re abandoning ourselves and causing us to feel alone, inside, and then blaming somebody else for it.

I’m angry. And the rest of the sentence may be because of what you did. You made me angry when we’re angry with another it’s often because there’s some way we have abandoned ourselves. Our inner child is angry at our adult for the self abandonment. Actually the wound itself, that’s acting like an adult for the self-abandonment and we’re projecting that anger onto another person. And here’s another one that I hear often when I work with couples. What about the other person’s part of this conflict. I often hear this with my clients who are in relationships or in conflict with a friend, the wound itself generally wants to focus on the other person rather than on oneself.

It’s a deflection away from taking responsibility for our own end of a system. And there’s always a system when there’s conflict. So whenever we feel like a victim is because we are in our wound itself, blaming someone else for our feelings, the one is self is the part of us that confuses love and approval. While we can often have control over getting approval, we can never have control over. Getting love. Love by definition is a free gift and it can’t be earned or controlled. Basic to the wound itself is the belief that it can have control over getting love whenever we’re trying to control others or the outcome of things, as well as control what we feel we’re operating from our ego wounded self.

There are many layers of control within the wound itself. And these layers often get triggered in relationships. The ego, when itself is often a child or adolescent aspect of us that contains our fears and false beliefs. And that had to learn to be a little adult to take care of the things that were beyond our responsibility or one itself is often a mirror image of one or both of our parents. Even though we might’ve said I’ll never be like that. Our wounded self often learned to be just like our parents.

I’ve often had to accept that my wound itself is so much like my parents, even though I know I said often I I’m never going to be like that. And when the self is the aspect that was harmed by physical, emotional, spiritual, or sexual abuse or neglect, and it carries all the fears, false beliefs and controlling behaviors that resulted from these experiences while these fears, beliefs in controlling behaviors, cause our pain in our adult life, it caused a lot of our pain. Not all of it, some of it’s caused by others in situations. They’re often all we know the only way we could feel safe when we were children.

You want to self can be any age at any given moment, depending on how old you were, when you learned a particular false belief or addiction or controlling action. Your one itself has many parts that were developed to handle pain, especially if there was severe physical or sexual abuse or neglect, you might have a mean angry or violent part or withdrawn part, a lewd or obscene part or a nice part quote, nice. Who learned to be a good boy or a girl? You might have a part that uses food or drugs or alcohol to numb out the fear and the loneliness.

All the parts of the wound itself need healing. And they can be healed by developing your compassionate, loving adult through your inner bonding practice. The wound itself does not get healed through its own self judgment. It gets healed with, with compassion and with loving action toward ourselves and others. Once you understand that these wounded parts of yourself where your survival mechanisms in childhood, you can feel grateful and compassionate towards these parts. Instead of judgemental, while setting firm boundaries against these parts of you acting out in self-destructive or unloving ways towards others.

Your one is self is always trying to protect against a perceived threat of rejection or of engulfment a threat experienced in the past and projected onto the present or future through anger, blame, resistance, capitulation, or withdrawal. The one that’s held hopes to ward off the control, which had fears. In addition, the wound itself is in denial, protecting against experiencing the pain that results from its own choices. The one itself always sees itself as a victim of others’ choices. It believes that others cause all of its pain, the intention to protect the choice to control rather than open to learning automatically closes your heart.

When your heart is closed, you can’t bring through the truth and divine love from your higher guidance and you can’t give and receive love with others. You’re left alone inside, and this terrible aloneness then drives your wound itself to try to have control over, getting love, to stop the painful feeling of aloneness as well as stop the existential pain of life. The pain of life that are caused by others in situations, the loneliness, the heartbreak, the grief, and the helplessness over others. One of the major false beliefs of the wound itself is that we as separate egos cut off from spirit can have power over ourselves and others.

We can, to a certain extent control others behavior, although not their feelings, but not without violating ourselves and others. And the wound itself is willing to violate oneself and others to have this control. As our wound itself, we violate ourselves through all forms of self-abandonment, including self judgment and substance and process addictions. We violate others through controlling and sometimes violent behavior. Whenever we violate ourselves or others, we’re acting from our ego wounded self. Your one itself depends upon others to define its worth.

Since it operates from core shame. It does not know who you really are, does not know your true self, your core self, your essence, the spark of the divine within you, because it does not know divine love it. Can’t connect with spirit. Its frequency is too low. The wound itself has the job of defining your worth over to others and continues the cycle of woundedness by trying to control, getting others love and approval and attention in order to feel worthy. This is the part of you that feels either one up or one down because it believes it’s essentially flawed.

It’s worth as defined by looks and performance. And it’s always comparing itself to others. All judgment, all judgments and intolerance come from the wound itself as many as well as many rules and should says, one is of wants control. It often operates from rules and sheds that it believes will keep us safe. The one itself believes it can have control over safety and expends, much energy in trying to exert this control while the one itself may believe in a higher power. It does not know your higher guidance. The wound itself can’t have a direct experience of spirit because it’s hard as closed against that experience.

In fact, the wound itself is terrified of surrendering and opening to guidance for fear of losing itself and being controlled by God due to false beliefs about what God is often, right after having a wonderful experience of spirit, we might find ourselves disconnecting and not doing our inner work. This is because the wound itself whose whole definition of self is about control is so terrified of losing control. The more we allow the wound itself to be in charge, the less true inner and spiritual work we will actually do other than using spirit as a spiritual bypass to avoid responsibility for our feelings.

However, if you practice inner bonding throughout the day, you’re going to find that your loving adult gradually gains the upper hand so that you more often consciously choose the intention to learn about love rather than unconsciously choosing to control and avoid and protect against pain. One of the ways the wound itself hides itself is to even deny its existence. So at an inner bonding workshop on the East coast, I had a challenging experience the first night during an introductory evening, before the workshop started, I noticed a tall, good looking young man staring a hole through me.

Oh, I thought this isn’t good news. In my experience, when someone stares at me with that intensity, they want something from me. He came over and told me he and his wife were taking a break while still living together that she had been doing inner healing work and suggested that he do so as well, which is why he was at the workshop. His attitude was, I don’t really need this, but I’m just doing this to please. My wife, she’s the one with the problems. His pull on me for my approval was actually palpable. During the course of the workshop, he took every opportunity to expound on his knowledge and during breaks, his pull on me for attention and approval was so intense that I found it necessary to disengage within a sentence or two of his conversation.

I hoped he would volunteer to work with me during session demonstrations so I could offer him my help. But of course he didn’t volunteer. I kept hoping during the workshop that he was start to recognize his level of self-abandonment since understanding self-abandonment is a big part of what people learn in the inner bonding workshop. The end of the workshop, this young man said to me, what I gained from this workshop is that I’m not as messed up as the rest of the people here. Whoa, no wonder his wife pulled away. Not only was he an energy vampire, but he was in complete denial that he was operating out of his wound itself.

So as I said, the one is health can be very tricky. My inner bonding work with myself and others. I’m constantly discovering ways that the one itself attempts to mask as the loving adult. For example, in one of my inner bonding intensives, Joanie was feeling very stuck. I could feel that she was in a low frequency, stuck in her wound itself and the intention to control, but that she didn’t know this. So I asked her, what do you think your intent is right now? And she said, Oh, I’m, I’m open to learning. Joni believed that she was open to learning. When in reality, her ego wounded self was trying to have control over appearing, open to learning.

And at the same time, trying to have control over the learning, Joanie, please tune into what you’re feeling right now. I said, anxious. She said, what are you telling yourself? That’s causing you to feel anxious right now? I asked her, she thought I’m telling myself that I have to get this. So I said, you’re putting pressure on yourself to learn and try and to have control over learning rather than actually being open to learn her eyes opened wide. Oh my God. That’s right. I think I do this all the time.

Wow. I just got a big sense of relief. That’s because you really opened. I said, rather than being in your wound itself, trying to appear open and trying to control what you learn. So here’s how tricky the wound itself can be. The moment we feel great because we’ve actually let go of control and are connecting with ourselves in our guidance. The one that’s self comes in to try to have control over feeling great. And we lose the great feeling when we discover that loving ourselves and others brings us much joy. The wound itself comes in to try to have control over being loving.

And of course, the moment we’re dry to control loving. We’re no longer loving. I see over and over that when we feel really great or we’re really open in surrender to spirit, or we’re really taking loving care of ourselves and sharing our love with others, the wound itself comes in to try to have control over feeling great or being in surrender, which is obviously an oxymoron or in being loving. And then of course, because we’re now trying to control it, we lose the joy of it. So I hope you can see that control can be such a subtle thing. Anytime you go from doing well and feeling great to feeling badly, you might want to notice that it’s likely because your wounded self came in to try to have control over doing well and feeling great.

The woman itself wants to figure it all out. Quote, which takes you out of your present experience and puts you in your mind. The moment you do this, you’re no longer connected with yourself and with your guidance and you lose the great feeling or ego when the self can’t stand. That the only way to feel great is to choose love for the sake of love rather than to control anything controlling. Our safety is the job of the wound itself thinks it’s his job. And it doesn’t want to accept that while it might be successful in controlling things like money or approval, certainly can’t control happiness and joy.

Happiness enjoy the results of loving for the sake of loving with no agenda in mind, no attachment to outcomes. The wound itself hates it, that it can’t bottle this and have control over it. So it constantly tries to manage it. It also tries to convince us that we’re open when we’re controlling, that we are loving for the sake of loving when we’re actually loving as a means of control, which of course isn’t really loving. Also the one itself wants you to believe that it is who you are. So I’ve been working with Pamela for a couple of months, attempting to help her see and value her true essence, her true soul self.

I could so easily see her beautiful essence, her gentleness, her sense of humor, creativity, and intelligence, her kindness and generosity and her deep compassion for people, animals, and nature. In addition, I knew that Pamela had a healing touch, which served her well in her work as a pediatric nurse. Yet Pamela continued to treat herself as if she was her wound itself. She ate badly. She drank too much and she never got enough sleep. She completely neglected her own feelings preferring instead to turn to her various addictions, terrified of rejection.

She rarely reached out to friends and she often felt isolated, no matter how much her husband, Joseph, expressors his love for her. She just never believed him. So Pamela, I said, do you believe that you are your wounded self? Well, yeah, I guess so. She said, so how do you see yourself? Who do you think you are? I think I’m an, I’m an uninteresting, an empty person. I’m so boring. I’m often withdrawn, irritated, angry, and judgmental. I’m a good worker. I’m a good nurse, but that’s about it.

I can be there for others, but if they really get to know me, they’re going to find out how empty and boring I am and that I’m not really such a nice person. I can be there for the children because they don’t care about how boring I am. And I never get angry at children. Pamela, why do you think Joseph loves you? Oh, I don’t know. I know what he says, but I think he’s just saying those things to try and make me feel good to try and make me feel better. I asked Pamela to open to her spiritual guidance and described herself through the eyes of her guidance. She was very reluctant to do this.

I was taught that it’s wrong to brag. She said, I asked her to think of her. Essence is one of the children on her ward. Think of you as a little girl on your pediatric ward. If you were describing you as a little girl to another nurse, what would you say about her? The words came slowly sensitive, caring, funny, smart, creative. And I can be very compassionate few. That was hard. She said. So I said, if this child were on your ward, would you ignore her feelings and needs?

No, of course not. I would never do that, but I said, that’s what you’re doing with yourself to your own beautiful essence. Oh, and there was a long silence. Yes. I see that. I’ve been treating myself as if I am my wound itself. Instead of my essence, it’s my wound itself. Oh, I can see it’s. My wound itself is boring and empty and sometimes not very nice, but maybe that’s not who I really am.

Right? We are not our wounded self, no matter how empty, boring, judgemental, angry, depressed, anxious, irritated, insensitive, uncaring, shut down, withdrawn resistant or abusive. We are at times we are not our wound itself. We are our essence or beautiful, true self. The soul that is in this body that came here to evolve in love and truth and manifest the gifts we’ve been given. It’s your job as a loving adult to embrace and heal your wound itself rather than allow your wound itself to define who you are.

As long as you allow your one itself to define who you are, you’re going to feel inadequate and unlovable, and you’re going to pull on others for the love and attention that you’re not giving to yourself. You will make others responsible for defining your worth. When you really get that, you’re not your wind itself. You’re going to begin to know the beauty of your soul. The aspect of you that is created in the image of the divine, which is love. Then you will naturally begin to treat yourself as you will, as you would treat any divine child.

As you treat yourself lovingly, you’re going to stop taking others’ behavior. Personally, your fears of rejection will drop away. You will know that if someone rejects you, it does not reflect on your essential worth, open to your guidance, see yourself through the eyes of love and see the truth of who you really are. Those of you have been on the inner bonding journey for awhile. You know, that healing is a process, not a destination.

I often say it’s like peeling, an infinite onion. We keep finding more and more layers of our ego in itself. So don’t despair because this is how it’s supposed to be. We’ve all built up layers and layers of false beliefs and strategies to control as part of surviving our childhood. And we further quote perfect these strategies in our adult relationships until something happens that lets us know that things just aren’t working well. At some point, perhaps when you have everything you thought would, would make you happy and still you feel empty alone and anxious or depressed, you realize that something needs to change.

Or perhaps you have problems finding a relationship or problems with kids or marital problems, or you become ill. And you realize your life just isn’t going to be fulfilling. If you keep doing what you’re doing, that’s when you might start on a healing journey. When people first discover in her bonding, they’re often relieved, hopeful, and excited, which is great. But after awhile, they may feel discouraged because seeing, because it seems like the more work they do, the more there is to do. Yeah, they started doing in her bonding, believing this is an answer and it generally is, but not the way they thought.

They thought that if they just do this for a while, their life will permanently improve. But this is like saying, if you exercise for a while and then stop, the results will be permanent. It just doesn’t work this way because life is continually changing and continually offering us challenges. The practice of inner ma of inner bonding is a moment by moment process. For example, you do your inner work and you learn to love yourself as a single person. And then you get married. And now you have a whole new set of challenges with a whole new set of false beliefs and control issues to heal each life change, unearths, new false beliefs and control issues.

Having kids, kids growing older, job issues, changing jobs, health issues, friendship issues, moving to a new location. And so on. The one thing we can count on is that life continually changes. I no longer kid myself, that I’ve healed all my false beliefs and control issues. I’ve accepted two important aspects of my life. And one is, there are certain issues that come up over and over. And each time they come up, I do a little more healing. We each have some major issues that trigger our wounded self. And two spirit seems to have a way of bringing new issues into our life, just as everything is going smoothly.

Something new happens that propel that propels us into a new level of inner healing. And we discover yet another layer of that infinite onion. I used to resent this, but now I’m grateful for it because this is how I can continue to learn and grow and heal the false beliefs and control issues of my wound itself. By accepting the journey of peeling, the infinite onion of the wound itself, resistance is gone. Now I say, thank you God, for this incredible journey of evolving my soul and my ability to love.

Thank you for all the opportunities you bring my way to heal. The blocks are fully loving. Thank you for the sacred privilege of being in a body on this difficult planet so that I can continue day by day to move more and more toward oneness with you, oneness with the love that you are. I hope you let go of any goals of quote being there and become fully enamored of the process of learning and healing and growing. And of course, I encourage you to come to inner bonding.com take advantage of all that we offer our free course, the many free articles, many other freeways of learning, as well as the many courses that we offer.

Pretty soon, I have a course coming up called passionate purpose, vibrant health, to help you to discover your true calling and to have the health to pursue it. You can do that with me, where I have a forum and coaching calls, or you can do it on your own. And that’s true of all the 30 day courses. The love yourself course, the wildly deeply joyously love course the, the attracting your beloved course, the unlocking your inner wisdom course that you can do these all on your own and you can start them at any time you want.

And of course we have many other packages that we offer to help you on your journey. So I hope to see you@innerbonding.com and I send love and blessings to all of you.

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