S1 EP46 – The Poison of Resentment

Transcript

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the winner bonding podcast. Many years ago, actress, Susan St. James and a TV interview after a terrible plane crash that claimed the life of her 14 year old son, Teddy and injured, her husband, NBC sports chairman, Dick Ebersol, and her son Charles made the following brilliant statement. mint is like taking poison and then expecting the other person to die. Even in the face of her great loss, she was not angry, blaming or resentful, resentment and blame are poisons to the soul.

They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. Our ego wounded self believes that if we blame and resent someone, we can somehow have control over that person or over the outcome of things or over not feeling the heartbreak, the grief and the helplessness over the situation. But what the resentment really does is pull us into the darkness of seeing ourselves as a victim. It’s very helpful, very helpful to think of resentment as poisoning yourself while expecting the other person be hurt by it. If you can think of anger, blame, and resentment as poisons to the soul, perhaps this will make it easier to release these dark feelings, anger, blame, and resentment are the result of your thoughts and beliefs.

For example, if you have a thought as Susan could have had, God is punishing me. You will likely see yourself as a victim and feel angry and resentful, but having this thought or belief does not make it a reality. The resulting resentment is actually your inner guidance way of letting you know that you’re off track. And you’re thinking thoughts that cause anger and resentment are thoughts that are being made up by the ego wound itself. They’re not based on truth. The truth never causes these feelings. The truth with can certainly cause heartbreak, helplessness over others in situations in grief, such as the reality of a loss of a loved one.

But anger and resentment are not the same as heartbreak and grief and helplessness, anger and resentment are the result of blaming someone or something, which may be a way the wound itself covers over the deeper, authentic feelings of heartbreak and grief and helplessness over a loss or over very painful situations. Susan’s truth, which he stated in the review is that her son Teddy has ended one phase of his life and started another. Her faith in God is a loving source.

Sustained her, her belief that the soul does not die, but leaves when it is finished with what it needed to learn here is what it made it possible for her to grieve without resentment. She didn’t allow this great loss to poison her soul blame, anger and resentment are off the Mark. The literal biblical translation translation of the word sin is off the Mark. When our thinking and behavior off the Mark, we’re sending because we’re not in truth. God is truth, love, peace and joy. When we’re not in love and truth, we are off the Mark being off the Mark and our thinking results in negativity, in anger, fear, anxiety, depression, resentment blame, because negativity is harmful to the soul.

It is actually a sin against ourselves, a sin against our beautiful soul or ego wound itself, which originates in the mind and is the part of us that wants control over getting love and avoiding pain and feeling safe constantly makes up thoughts that are off the Mark. The ego isn’t capable of knowing what is true and what is not. It thinks it is wise and knowing, but in reality, it is always off the Mark. All the thoughts that come from the ego wound itself are based on the desire for control over others and outcomes.

The desire to control is the opposite of the desire to love and be in truth and is therefore off the Mark truth. Doesn’t originate in the mind. Truth comes into the mind from spirit when we’re open to learning about love and truth. Truth does not create resentment, anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, depression, other than fear of real and actual present danger. That’s happening in the moment. These feelings are signals that you’re not in truth, that you’re allowing your anger wounded self to have dominion over your soul.

When you practice inner bonding and open your heart to learning the truth and learning what is loving to yourself and others, you’ll move out of the negativity, the negative feelings into the peace that come from being in truth, even in the face of heartbreak, grief, and helplessness over others. Are you aware of what anger blame judgment and resentment does to you? How do you end up feeling when you get angry, blaming or judgmental, whether you dump your anger, resentment, or blame on another person or inwardly sees your negativity will affect both you physically and emotionally on the physical level, the low frequency of toxic anger, blaming anger, resentment, and judgment trigger the body’s fight and flight response causing the adrenal glands to flood the body with the stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol.

Blood is taken from the brain and organs and putting it into the muscles and preparation for action. A constant flood of stress hormones can create many health problems from headaches and digestion problems to heart attacks, cancer and strokes on the emotional level, anger, blame and judgment often lead to anxiety and depression while expressing your anger, resentment, and blame. I feel good in the moment in the long run expressing these feelings outwardly or inwardly repressing them makes you feel unsafe because you’re abandoning yourself by not taking responsibility for your feelings.

Now we’re talking about toxic anger, not the outrage that leads to action against injustice negativity dumped on others as a form of control. When you express your anger, resentment, blame and judgment to others, your intent is to intimidate them into doing what you want or feeling the way you want them to feel such as seeing things your way. Repressed anger is also a form of control by not speaking up, you hope to have control over how the other person feels about you and sees you. You don’t want to run the risk of rejection. So you keep quiet. So as I said, there’s a type of anger that can most accurately be described as outraged or called outrage, outrageous a healthy response to injustice and can lead to taking loving action on your own or others’ behalf.

This is not the kind of anger and resentment I’m talking about here. Anger and resentment accompanied by blaming judgment can be a coverup for feelings of helplessness over others. In situations. When you’re unwilling to accept your lack of control over others, or over the loss of someone, then you try to control what you cannot control. And of course, this is like hitting your head against a wall. You’ll always end up feeling awful. While you might be able to intimidate others into doing what you want. You can’t have control over how others feel about you or whether or not they apologize and feel genuine remorse for hurting you, or whether who has died comes back.

Whether you express or repress your anger, you end up feeling anxious or depressed. And there are good reasons for this anxiety results. When you’re out of alignment with your true self anxiety is your spiritual guidance way of letting you know that your thoughts and behavior are not supporting your highest good. When you get angry, blaming or judgmental with others to try and control how they feel about you or how they treat you or angry at God for what’s happened. The anxiety is letting you know that you’re lying to yourself. You’re telling yourself that these forms of control work when they don’t, you’re acting as if expressing this harshness will get you what you want when it will generally get you the opposite.

So the anxiety is letting you know that you’re off course off the Mark in your thinking and behavior, depression results. When you end up feeling helpless anyway, because your harshness didn’t work. Depression also results. When you ignore your feelings of anxiety that are telling you that you’re off course in addition, depression may be the result of acting out or repressing your anger and resentment instead of learning from it. And as I previously said, anger, rather depression and anxiety can result from how you’re treating yourself physically from eating badly causing toxicity in the brain, which can also cause anxiety and depression, anger, resentment, blame and judgment are low frequency feelings that close the heart.

When you express or repress, anger and resentment, rather than learn from it. You cause your heart to close, which cuts you off from the love and peace of spirit. Being cut off from love can cause anxiety and depression, the way out of all the physical and emotional problems that are caused by anger, resentment, blame and judgment is to open to learning with these feelings. These feelings are always letting you know that there’s some way you’re not taking care of yourself rather than projecting them onto another person or ignoring and repressing them.

You can learn about what your angry inner child is trying to tell you. The anger indicates that your inner child is angry with you and resentful towards you. And if you listen and learn with your feelings and your guidance, you’re going to discover how you’re not taking care of yourself and what you can do about it. Have you ever noticed the difference in people who are able to easily let go of resentment and forgive, and those who stay in anger, resentment, and blame. Just think about that for a moment and tune into the energy of people who operate from the low frequency of anger and resentment, and those who are able to forgive people who continue to stay in blame and resentment are often people who see themselves as victims of other people’s choices.

I’ve noticed that people who stay angry at someone are generally people who were very controlling. I find their energy hard to be around. However, it’s important to understand that there’s a big difference between forgiving someone and wanting to spend time with that person. For example, if you find out that someone close to you has lied to you or betrayed you in a major way, you might decide not to spend much time with that person. You might decide that it’s not in your highest good to spend time with someone whom you can’t trust. To be honest with you and caring about you.

However, if you hang on to anger, blaming resentment, what happens to you? You end up feeling miserable inside. Whenever someone behaves in a manner that I find unacceptable, I attempt to understand the good reasons behind the unacceptable behavior. Is this person a very scared and insecure person. This person come from an unloving background is this person a very young soul doing the best year she can, but it’s limited in their ability. I don’t take others’ behavior personally, knowing that their behavior is coming from their fears and beliefs, and actually has nothing to do with me. Even though I choose compassion rather than anger, resentment, or judgment, when others behave in unacceptable ways, this doesn’t mean that I want to continue to be around that person.

I can fully understand why the person acted as he or she did. It’s still decide that being around this person is not in my highest good. I can fully forgive that person, which means that I’m not carrying around blaming resentment without wanting to continue to be around that person. If you forgive, but choose not to be around that person. It’s important to be aware of your intention in not being around that person. Your intent is either controlling or loving. If your intent is to control, then you hope by not being around that person. He or she will learn their lesson and change their behavior.

If you have not really decided to end the relationship, you might have a secret hope that by distancing yourself, you can have control over whether or not this person changes. Leaving with the intent to control can lead you to getting stuck in misery, waiting for that person to change and see the light. I’ve had numerous clients who left their partner as a form of control, hoping for change and were miserable when change didn’t occur or when their partner moved on to another relationship. If your intent is to take responsibility for yourself, then you’ve decided that not being around this person is in your highest good.

You’re ready to move on rather than being attached to this person, changing you fully forgiven this person and are now taking loving care of yourself by letting go of all hope of this relationship. Resolving someone behaves in a way that’s not acceptable to you. This does not mean that you need to leave the relationship. It does mean that you need to accept that it may happen again, and that there’s nothing you can do about it. It, you have no control over another’s choices. Again, hanging onto blame and resentment will only make you miserable. If you decide to stay, then you need to decide through your inner bonding practice, how to take responsibility for yourself in the face of the others, unacceptable behavior.

When you’re truly taking loving care of yourself, you find you will find that you can easily forgive the other person. The blessing of forgiveness is that allows you to let go of life, draining and resentment and open to love and joy. But reaching forgiveness is often challenging. My client, Carolyn told me in one of our early sessions, I’ll never forgive Andrew for what he did to me. He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness. Carolyn’s focus was on whether or not Andrew deserve to be forgiven rather than on whether or not it was loving to her to forgive or to continue holding resentment.

What Carolyn didn’t realize is that forgiving someone is not about them. It’s about taking loving care of ourselves by releasing ourselves from resentment and blame. It’s about moving out of being a victim of other’s choices and taking responsibility for our own feelings of wellbeing. But Carolyn said, what Andrew did was unforgivable. How can I forgive him for cheating on me and ruining our marriage? How can I forgive her for leaving me for a younger woman for breaking up her fifth? Our family for the pain he’s caused our children. What he did hurt so many people, people, why should I forgive him for it?

Wouldn’t that be the same as condoning his behavior? This is a common misconception. That forgiveness is the same as condoning. I remember reading about a woman whose adolescent son got shot and killed by another adolescent boy. While this mother was deeply heartbroken and never condoned what the other boy did. She not only forgave him, she got to know him and helped him to heal the pain that led to his shooting. Her son, it’s not loving to ourselves to condone other’s unloving behavior, nor is it loving to ourselves to continue to hold negative feelings in our body.

As I previously said, the energy of resentment and blame brings down our frequency making, making it really hard to connect with our guidance. Resentment, as I’ve said, is like a poison that continues to feed upon itself, creating more and more darkness. Carolyn. I said, what are you afraid of? If you let go of your resentment and forgive Andrew for what he did, I’m afraid. He’s going to think that what he did is okay, and it’s not okay at this point. I said, why are you concerned with what he thinks? What difference does it make to your life right now?

What he thinks? I just don’t want him to think that he can just act like this and get away with it. So you’re punishing him by holding blame and resentment within yourself. Yeah, I guess I am. He should be punished. And who do you think is suffering as a result of you punishing him? Well, certainly not him. He’s having the time of his life. Are you suffering as a result of focusing on punishing him instead of taking loving care of yourself? Well, I am miserable, but I miserable because of what he did to me.

I know that’s what you believe, but the truth is that you’re miserable because you’re focusing on punishing him rather than I’m taking loving care of yourself. You’re being a victim, blaming him for your feelings. Your feelings are being caused by what you’re telling yourself and how you’re treating yourself. Not by Andrew at this point, from what you previously told me, you weren’t any happier before Andrew left than you are now. You were always making him responsible for you. And he never did it right enough for you. As long as you have your eyes on him, instead of learning to take loving care of yourself, you’re going to continue to feel miserable.

I’m tired of being miserable. She said, that’s why I decided to work with you, but I don’t know how to forgive him. Carolyn. I said, forgiveness is a natural outcome of taking loving care of yourself. As you pray just inner bonding and learn how to take responsibility for your own pain and joy. You’re going to stop blaming Andrew for your feelings. The more you learn, how to love, the beautiful essence that is within you, the more you’re going to find yourself, forgiving Andrew resentment toward others is a clear sign that we’re not taking care of ourselves.

As you shift your intent from blaming others, to loving yourself, you’re going to find that forgiveness follows now naturally. But of course, reaching this point is a process that takes a dedicated, inner bonding process. I often hear questions from my clients such as how can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me when I was growing up, how can I forgive my spouse for lying to me and betraying me? How can I forget my best friend for abandoning me? How can I face and forgive unrepentant, abusers and manipulators. How can I forgive others who don’t forgive me and throw my past in my face?

Every chance there we’ve all been told that forgiveness is good for the soul. And of course it is yet forgiveness cannot be forced. We can’t not will ourselves to forgive because if we try to deny the anger, resentment, blame, and judgment, that may still be there. It’s likely to come out at some point. So how do we reach forgiveness? As I said, forgiveness towards others is the natural outcome of practicing in her bonding, practicing in her Bonnie leads to forgiving ourselves and to taking loving care of ourselves.

When we judge ourselves, we will have a tendency to project that judgment onto others. No matter how much we tell ourselves that we have forgiven them, let’s start with the first statement that I said above. How can I forgive my parents when they were so abusive to me? When I was growing up, my experience is, is that as long as you continue to treat yourself in any of the abusive ways, your parents treated you, you cannot reach forgiveness. It’s your lack of self love that perpetuates the anger and resentment towards others. As adults, you have a wonderful opportunity to learn, to treat yourself with the love, the respect, the caring, and the understanding that you may have lacked as a child.

When you don’t do this, the past becomes the present. As you continue to abuse yourself in some of the ways you may have been abused and then continue to blame others for how you ended up feeling as a result of your lack of self love. How can I forgive my spouse for lying to me and be trained me? You will not be able to forgive your spouse until you fully take responsibility for your participation in the relationship issues that may have contributed to the betrayal. There may have been ways you betrayed yourself by not listening to yourself earlier in the relationship or not honoring.

So yourself that put you in the position of being betrayed by your spouse. So often when I ask, when I ask a person who’s felt betrayed, did you have any inkling of this early in the relationship? They said, yes, I did, but I didn’t listen to myself. That’s a self betrayal. As you practice inner bonding, looking deeply within and discovering how you might have betrayed yourself and learning to forgive yourself. You might find that you can reach forgiveness for your spouse. Even if you end up leaving the relationship, how can I give my best friend for abandoning me?

The world tends to mirror it to us. Whatever is happening in our own inner system. When you feel abandoned by someone, there’s a good possibility that you are abandoning yourself, that you have failed to attend to your own feelings and needs. And if failed to be a loving advocate for yourself, once again, you’re going to discover that if you practice in her bonding and learn how to take loving care of yourself, you’re going to find your anger and resentment towards others, gradually disappearing. How can I forgive unrepentant abusers and manipulators others’ behavior actually has little to do with whether you choose to be resentful and judgmental or accepting and forgiving.

When you learn to be compassionate, rather than judgmental toward the wounded manipulative side of yourself, your ego wound itself, you’re naturally going to be compassionate towards others, wounded manipulative behavior. Once again, forgiveness is a natural outgrowth of doing your inner bonding work of moving out of self judgment and into self compassion. How can I forgive others who don’t forgive me? Yeah. And throw my pass in my face. Every chance they get. You’re like probably going to stay stuck in anger and judgment and feeling like a victim. As long as you make others responsible for whether or not you forgive yourself, others forgiveness has nothing to do with your own decision to judge or forgive yourself or forgive others.

When you learn to move out of judgment and into compassion first for yourself, and then for others, you’re going to find yourself forgiving yourself and others. Forgiveness is indeed the natural outgrowth of choosing compassion. So I encourage you to go to inner bonding.com, take advantage of all the resources we have. Take my 30 day. Love yourself course, take my wildly deeply joyous in love relationship course for all your relationships.

If you haven’t taken the free seven day course, that gives you the overview of inner Bonnie and be sure to take that there’s so much in inner bonding.com. That can be helpful to you in learning to love yourself, let go of anger and blame and judgment and resentment. Learn to share your love with others and learn to forgive yourself and others. I send you my love and my blessings.