S1 EP57 – Inner Bonding Podcast: How to Stop Worrying and Ruminating

Episode Summary

Worriers unconsciously operate under the false belief that worry will stop bad things from happening – that they can control the outcome with worry. Are you ready to move beyond obsessive ruminating and worrying? Are you ready to move beyond the fear, anxiety and depression that results from worrying and ruminating? Life is much more peaceful when you let of the illusion of control that you think worrying and ruminating give to you. 


Hi everyone. This is Dr. Margaret Paul with the inner bonding podcast. And today I want to talk about how to stop worrying and ruminating. I used to spend hours and even days ruminating about different things, like a conflict with someone important to me, or a work situation or finances or time pressures. I would obsessive worry or try to figure out the right thing to do to get the outcome that I wanted. Now, of course, I would end up feeling drained and anxious and confused, but this didn’t deter me from this big addiction that I had.

It was in my blood absorbed from my mother and my grandmother, both my mother and grandmother believed that worry gave them control over bad things, not happening. That things didn’t happen to my mother. And she was convinced it was because she worried. Now my father never worried about never worried and, and bad things didn’t happen to him either. But my mother was convinced that her worrying protected him as well. We’re engaged both my mother and my grandmother, a sense of control in my ego wound itself. I also believed that ruminating and obsessively worrying what somehow gave me control over the outcome of things.

I was afraid not to obsessive worry, not to try and control others and outcomes, but ruminating and worrying, put me in a low frequency, which of course resulted in feelings of fear and anxiety. I finally understood that not only was I not controlling the outcomes I wanted, I was creating the very outcomes that I didn’t want. The law of attraction states that like attracts like, and my obsessive thinking and resulting low frequency along with my fear and anxiety was bringing about some of the very things that I didn’t want.

Even though I understood this many years ago, I couldn’t stop trying to control the outcome of things until I became able to let go to my spiritual guidance and be in faith that I was always being guided in my highest good. This faith did not come easily. To me, there’s a paradox about control. As I’ve often said, our ego one itself came into being because growing up, we needed to try to have control over getting love, avoiding pain and feeling safe. So the very basis of our wounded self is to control.

And this aspect of us has ability to connect with spirit. The one itself often believes in God or believes that there’s a higher power, but can’t know, and experience spiritual guidance because his frequency is too low to access the love and the truth and the compassion and joy and creativity that is spirit. It was a practice of inner bonding and developing your spiritually connected, loving adult. You’re wanting to self can come to know that your loving adult does know your guidance. My wound itself has learned that when I, as a loving adult am in charge, I become a co-creator with my guides.

The paradox is that get that this gives me far more control over outcomes than obsessive worrying and rumination. Now that my one is self knows that the universe truly is co-creating with me. I no longer obsessive ruminate or worry. My wound itself now knows that thoughts are creative and that negative thoughts attract native things on all levels. Poor health, lack of abundance, difficult relationships. My wound is self still wants to control, but now this aspect of me tries to control with positive thoughts, such as affirmations, rather than with negative ones and positive thoughts create calm rather than anxiety reinforcing positive forms of control can help the wound itself settle down in my morning, walking meditation, before I do my inner bonding process, I reinforce the positive programs and beliefs that are in my left brain by giving my wound itself a chance to speak of everything she wants.

Then I, as a loving adult, move into deep gratitude for all that I have now. And all that I know is coming in the future. This creates great joy in me and fills me with love for myself and for others. It also creates quiet in my wounded self, who now feel safe, that I, as a loving adult M in charge and connected with my guidance while I certainly would love to have the outcomes I want, like everyone does at this point, the outcomes are far less important than the joy of the moment.

My happiness is now not attached to what does or doesn’t happen in the future. My sense of safety and worth are now not dependent on others or outcomes, mostly gone, or the fear and anxiety that come from obsessive ruminating and worrying in its place, or our love, peace and joy. And these are more than enough when new and challenging experiences like the major launch and webinars I’m doing for my upcoming virtual inner bonding course, I let my inner child know that it’s not her job to do these neat, these new things.

And then all I’m still going to love her, even if she messes up and makes mistakes or fails. I always ask my higher guidance to speak through me and say what would be of most help to others. But my one is self still wants to worry about outcomes such as the outcome of my care of my current launch. But when I call him my guidance and accept my lack of control, my wound itself, then calms down again. My client Carol started working with me because she was very depressed. She’d been ill with chronic fatigue syndrome for a long time and believed her depression was due to this.

In the course of our work together, she became aware that her depression was actually coming from her negative thinking. Carol was a constant warrior, many words out of her mouth centered around her concerns that something bad might happen. What if I never get well? What if my husband gets sick? What if I run out of money? Carolyn, her husband ran a very successful business and there was no indication that it would not go on being successful. What if my son gets into drugs? What if my kids don’t get into good colleges? What if somebody breaks into the house? What if, what if, what if her wound itself was always in the future worrying about what if her worry was not only causing her depression, but was also contributing to her illness and likely was even causing it.

Her worry caused so much stress in her body that her immune system couldn’t do its job of keeping her well yet even the awareness that her worry was causing her depression and possibly even her illness did not stop Carol from worrying. She was addicted to it. She was unconsciously addicted to the sense of control that worry gave her her worry. Not only gave her the illusion of control over bad things, not happening, but it was also covering up deeper, painful feelings of life that she was afraid to feel both current. And from the past, of course, I understood this well because as I said, I come from a line of warriors.

My grandmother’s whole life was about worrying. She lived with us as I was growing up. And I don’t remember ever seeing her without a look of worry on her face. Same with my mother, constant worry. Of course, I picked up on it and also became addicted too worrying. However, online, like my mother and grandmother who worried daily until the day they died, I decided that I didn’t want to live that way. The turning point came for me the day, my husband and I were going to the beach for some time to ourselves. And I started to worry that the house would burn down to my children would die.

I became so upset from the worry that we had to turn around and come home. I knew then that I had to do something about it. It wasn’t easy for Carol to stop worrying when she’d been practicing, worrying for most of her life, in order for her to stop worrying, she needed to recognize that the belief that worry has control over outcomes is a complete illusion. And she had to become willing to feel her authentic, deeper feelings. She needed to see that not only is worrying a waste of time, but that it was having grave negative consequences on her health and wellbeing.

Once you understood this, she was gradually able to notice the stomach clenching that occurred whenever she worried and stop. The thought that was causing the stress. Carol is in the practice is in the process of practicing this. She sees that her worry makes her feel very anxious and depressed. She sees that when she doesn’t worry, she is not nearly as fatigued as when she allows her addiction to worry, to take over. She sees that when she stays in the moment, rather than projecting in the future, she feels so much better. The key for Carol and stopping worrying is accepting that worry does not give her control.

And in practicing inner bonding and developing her loving adult, she’s starting to manage and learn from her deeper feelings of loneliness and helplessness over others and outcomes that she’s been pushing down her whole life, Giving Up the illusion of control that worry gives us is not easy for anyone who worries and being willing to feel the feelings that worry and rumination cover up. Also, isn’t easy. It’s important to remember the paradox regarding worry that when you, that, that when you’re in the present moment, rather than worrying about the past or worrying about the future, you have a much better chance of making choices that support your highest good as well as being lovingly present and learning from your feelings rather than giving us control.

Worry prevents us from being present to make loving choices for ourselves. And others worrying actually ends up giving us less control rather than more. That’s the paradox. The challenge of course, is being willing to let go of trying to control what you can’t control. My clients often ask how do I stop letting my wound itself, run my life? How do I stop trying to control everything and let go, how do I stop ruminating and worrying about what others think? How do I stop focusing on controlling the future and allow myself to be guided in the present.

Sylvia asked me, I have become present to how hurt I am and have maintained that state of being without even realizing it shows itself through constant worry, rumination, always wanting to make my mark and often wanting to be right. I’m a regular, no at all. And this isn’t working for me. How do I surrender my ego and allow myself to be guided clients, ask me all the time. How do I let go? Now the wound itself would love for this to be a how long itself as, how do I do it? You want itself, likes rules to follow would love to be able to have control over letting go.

But this is an oxymoron. You can’t be trying to control something and be letting go at the same time. It’s not about how it’s about intention. As long as your intention is to control your feelings or control what others think and feel about you and the outcome of things. You will not be able to let go and let yourself be guided by your higher self. Your obsessive worrying and ruminating are likely just two of the many forms of control. You’ve learned that are causing your pain. We all have many, many layers of different kinds of controlling behaviors.

We can’t just let them go because often we don’t even know when we’re being closed in controlling. When you shift your intention to learning about loving yourself and others, that’s when you start to become aware of your intention to control and the result in controlling behaviors, by being on the path of mindfulness about your own feelings, your behavior, and your intention, you can slowly heal the addiction to control, including your addictions, to worry and rumination. The less often your intention is to control. The more often your heart will be open to learning.

And the more you will naturally move beyond worry and experience your higher guidance. So when my clients ask me, how do I hear my guidance? My, to them is what are you doing to stop yourself from hearing your guidance? What are you trying to control or avoid? How are you rejecting and abandoning yourself? Are you judging yourself, staying in your head rather than in your heart, worrying and ruminating about the outcome of things rather than being in the present moment. Are you turning to various other addictions or making someone else responsible for your feelings?

As long as you’re avoiding feeling your feelings and taking responsibility for them, by closing your heart with your controlling, addictive self rejecting and obsessive behaviors, you won’t be able to hear your higher guidance letting go and opening to your guidance is the result of consistently practicing inner bonding. Your guidance is always here supporting you in your highest good, but you won’t be able to let go to hearing and following your guidance. As long as your intention is to control any moment that you’re truly open to learning about loving yourself, you’ll be able to access the love and wisdom.

That’s here for you. As long as you’re also keeping your body clean in a high-frequency with good, good clean food. Many of us have heard the advice to let go and let God. This advice is telling us to let go of our attempts, to control and surrender the outcomes to God. Yet, few of us actually do this. So why is this so hard? Why is this so challenging? We let go and let our guidance guide us only when we trust that spiritual guidance exists and is here for Us, we can’t Let go.

If we don’t believe that we have to believe that our guidance is here supporting the highest good of our soul’s journey at all times, life would feel so peaceful if we were in this trust all the time, but our wounded self doesn’t have this trust or wounded selves belief or wounded self believes. We have to control to be safe when we are not letting go of worry and rumination and all our other forms of control it’s because our wound itself has taken over and wants it and wants. It wants to try to control people and the outcome of things in order to protect against the feelings of helplessness and fear, the wound itself hates feeling helpless and spends much time in the mind, strategizing about how to have control over, getting what it wants in a recent phone session with my client Daryl, he confessed to me that he had finally become aware of how little time he was present in the moment I’m.

So in my head, most of the time, trying to control things that the moment passes me by. He said, I’m constantly worrying, ruminating and strategizing. I can’t believe how much of my life I’ve missed out on yet. I’m not even clear what I’m supposed to be present for when people are present, what’s what’s happening for them. When people are present, I answered. They’re aware of their inner outer and spiritual experience of the moment. They’re aware of their feelings, the inner experience of their body and emotions. They’re aware of their surroundings of people, energy and nature, and of what is happening in the moment.

And they’re aware of the love and peace of spirit, filling them up as well as the guidance that may be coming to them at that moment. When you’re in your mind, trying to figure things out and obsessive, really worrying and ruminating in order to control your feelings and, and control people and outcomes. You miss the fullness of the present moment. So I asked him, what do you think is in the way of letting go to your guidance? And he said, I don’t trust the God is here for me. I guess I believe that I need to be in my mind thinking and worrying in order to be safe and get what I want. Is it working?

I asked, no. He said, adjust, feel tense and depressed a lot. And I still end up feeling afraid and helpless. What I said to him is that the paradox here is that when you open and surrender to spirit, while taking loving action on your own behalf, you become a co-creator with spirit, your openness and intention, to learn about loving yourself. Along with eating clean, raises your frequency to the point where spirit can support you in achieving what you want. You will actually end up feeling more safe and powerful than when you’re trying to control.

The challenge is in trusting that this is the truth. So how do I get to that trust? He asked, It’s a matter of being willing to let go often enough to see what happens and see how you feel. I told him you’re always going to feel depressed and anxious when you’re trying to control the moment you let go of trying to control and open to the love and the peace and the truth of spirit. You’re going to feel relaxed and safe and peaceful. And while you can’t know the outcome of things, none of us can know the outcome of things. We can feel happy and peaceful in the moment.

Even if you stay in your mind, worrying, ruminating, and trying to figure things out, you still can’t know the outcome of things, and you have a much better chance of having the outcome you want when you’re co-creating with spirit, which will only happen when you’re in your heart, in connection with your guidance in the intention to learn about what’s loving to you. When you really get that, the belief that you can control outcomes is an illusion and that it just causes a lot of stress. You might become willing to let go and let God and see what happens doing this over time is what will lead you to Trust You’re on the side.

And he was tired of the stress that he felt most of the time and tired of missing out on being in his life, being in the present moment, he was ready to see what would happen if he practiced letting go of worry and rumination and let his guidance guide him. It’s not That it’s hard to access your guidance. What’s Hard is letting go of control. That’s the challenge. The more you practice, the six steps of inner bonding and develop your strong, reliable, spiritually connected, loving adult. The easier it will become for you to let go of worry and rumination and other forms of control and let your guidance guide you.

I hope that you join my upcoming virtual inner bonding course starting on June 3rd. This is a weekly course, two hours on a Thursday starting at three Pacific time to five Pacific time starts on June 3rd, and you can access this on our homepage@innerbonding.com scroll down. And you’re going to see the link to register for my free ebook, my free webinars. I’m doing numbers of them and the upcoming course. I hope to see you there.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.

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