Most people who are not in a relationship want to attract a loving relationship, but often find themselves, over and over, attracting a needy, unloving, or unavailable partner. Discover what you need to do to attract a loving and available partner – a partner who is not needy, who is emotionally available, and who is available for a commitment.
Hi everyone, this is Dr. Margaret Paul with the Inner Bonding Podcast, and today I will be talking about attracting the love of your life.
One of the first things you need to do to attract your loving partner, is to write down what you want. You need to be very clear on what you want, because you can’t attract what you want if you don’t know what you want. Very often, when I work with my clients who are looking for a partner, I ask them to write a list and keep adding to it, of exactly what they want in a partner. Part of manifesting is to be able to tune in to what you really want.
And then, what’s even more important, is to look at that list and see if you have the qualities that you are looking for in someone else. For you to find the love of your life you need to become what you are looking for. You can’t expect to attract the kind of person you want without first being the kind of person you want.
And of course, this is where Inner Bonding comes in to heal whatever is in the way for you of becoming the kind of person that you want to meet. As I’ve often said, we attract each other at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, which means our common level of self-abandonment or our common level of self-love. If you’re abandoning yourself in many different ways, you’re going to attract someone who’s also abandoning themselves in many ways.
So here’s some examples. If you’re a needy person, then you’re likely to attract a person who is a caretaker, because caretakers are generally attracted to people who need them, and needy people are often attracted to caretakers, and that’s called a codependent relationship. You’re both coming from a similar frequency of self-abandonment. And what happens in that relationship is that the care-taking person never does it right enough for the needy person, because the emptiness of the needy person is like a bucket with a hole in it that can be filled only with self-love. As long as the needy person is abandoning themselves, they will likely be angry that the care-taking person isn’t doing it well enough. Meanwhile, the caretaker is expecting that if they care enough, they’re going to get back love and when they don’t, they’re likely to be resentful.
If you’re a healthy and personally responsible person, you’re not going to be attracted to a needy demanding person, nor are you going to be attracted to a caretaker. Both people in this system are actually needy, but the taker is overt in the way they try to control getting love, attention, and approval, while caretaking is a covert form of trying to have control over getting loved.
If you think about it, it makes sense that a healthy person just isn’t going to be attracted to somebody who’s abandoning themselves and being needy, being codependent, being a caretaker, being demanding – that someone who is loving themselves and taking responsibility for themselves emotionally and likely in other areas, such as financially, physically, and organizationally, is not going to find an emotionally self-abandoning person someone they can connect with. If you are a person who has not dealt with your fears of rejection and your fears of engulfment, then you might find yourself attracting an unavailable or very demanding person. If you have a deep fear of engulfment, of losing yourself, you’re probably not going to be attracted to a really available person because that’s going to trigger your fears. Being afraid of rejection and of engulfment translates into a fear of intimacy or a fear of commitment. So you’re likely going to attract somebody who also has a fear of intimacy or a fear of commitment. This why it’s so important for you do your inner work.
The fears of engulfment and rejection come from self-abandonment. When you’re loving yourself and you’ve developed your loving adult self, you’re not going to take rejection personally. You’re going to recognize that when people are rejecting, they’re coming from their own fears and that it’s not about there being anything wrong with you. So you’re not going to give yourself up and allow yourself to be controlled in order to avoid rejection. When you develop your loving adult, which is what the practice of Inner Bonding does, then these fears of rejection and fears of engulfment start to get healed, and you come from a much more present and a much more powerful place. You have a higher frequency, which means that you are much more filled up with love inside rather than coming from fear. Fear, and other wounded feelings such as anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, jealousy, and emptiness, have a low frequency. Like attracts like, so like frequency attracts like frequency.
If you want to attract somebody who’s a loving and open person, you need to become a loving and open person. It’s likely not going to be possible for you to attract somebody who’s open and loving if you’re closed and afraid. And so, if you want to attract your beloved, it becomes very important for you to be doing your inner work and become that loving, open person who is filled with love and not coming from the fear that’s there when you’re abandoning yourself.
The more you learn to take emotional responsibility, physical responsibility, spiritual, organizational, financial, and relationship responsibility, the easier time you’re going to have attracting a similar person. Now I doubt that anybody sets out to attract somebody who’s not personally responsible. You don’t say, okay, I’m going to go find a partner and my ideal partner is somebody who doesn’t take care of themselves physically, who doesn’t take care of themselves financially, who doesn’t take care of their health and wellbeing, who is needy and controlling. Nobody sets out to attract a person like that. But you do attract people like that when that’s you. And that’s why it’s so important for you to be doing your inner work and learn to make yourself happy now, before you get into a relationship, rather than to make being in a relationship responsible for your happiness.
Research indicates that happy people meet other happy people and create happy relationships, and unhappy people either do not meet somebody or meet another unhappy person and create an unhappy relationship. If you’re a person who’s saying, “I can’t be happy until I’m in a relationship or until I get married, or until I have children, then you’re not taking responsibility for yourself. You’re making somebody else responsible. You’re making that partner that you imagine coming into your life responsible for whether or not you’re happy. And again, that’s called a codependent relationship.
So I really encourage you if you want to attract the love of your life, become the love of your life. Become your own best friend.
That doesn’t mean that you need to be completely healed. That’s just not realistic. Relationships are an incredible arena to learn and grow, to learn to take care of yourself and share your love. But if your intention is to get love and to get somebody else to make you feel okay, you’re going to be very disappointed because relationships don’t work well that way. Again, I’m not talking about being completely healed, but to be on the path of reaching a point where you’re not so afraid of rejection or engulfment, where you’re open to intimacy, where you’re open to learning, where you’re open to dealing with conflict as it comes up, where you’re not so afraid of losing yourself or losing your partner, where your happiness is not dependent on somebody else, where your sense of self and your sense of safety is not dependent on somebody else.
You don’t have to be there a hundred percent, but you need to be on the road. You need to be on the path of healing in order to meet somebody who is also on the path of healing, who also is open, who also wants to utilize a relationship to continue the healing journey and to learn to share love rather than getting into a relationship just to get love.
My client, Lisa, told me that she didn’t have a supportive family upbringing, and didn’t grow up believing that there was a higher power that loves and supports her, so she doesn’t know how to bring that love into herself. As a result, she realized that she was abandoning herself and that she attracted men who kept leaving her. She wanted to know how she could grow in learning to love herself and know that she’s loved by her guidance. She said she wanted to learn to do this without being religious, because she didn’t like a lot of the religion that she had been exposed to.
I said to her that I completely understood because I was brought up the same way without support and without any religion or spirituality. My parents were atheists, so I didn’t have any kind of background in connecting with a higher source of love. I had to find it myself, and this is where Inner Bonding is so powerful. If you truly open to learning about what is loving to you, what is true for you, what is in your highest good, if in your heart you really want to know and you really want to take loving actions for yourself, and you ask those questions about any given situation, even if you’re asking them of the air, you will start to get answers. Lots of times I recommend people to just imagine an older, wiser part of yourself, like you 500 years older than you – very wise, loving, and powerful, and most people can imagine this. Lisa said she could imagine this.
I asked her to imagine that her older wiser self, her higher self, is always accessible to her. One of the things that I find helpful in terms of accessing spiritual guidance is to get an image of your soul. The soul is actually very big, way too big to fit into your body. A part of your soul is in your body, and that part is what we call in Inner Bonding your essence or your inner child. And that part often communicates through your feelings. The rest of your soul is all around your body, like this big light all around your body. And that part communicates through your mind through words and images that pop into your mind, and through dreams and sometime through what you read, or through something others say to you, or something you hear yourself say to others. So if you imagine your older, wiser self is surrounding you like this big light, then you don’t have to have any kind of concept of God to access the information you need – if your intent is to learn about loving yourself.
Lisa said that she believed in God but had never trusted God because she thought God was like her parents. She really liked the idea of imagining her older, wiser higher soul.
As Lisa practiced Inner Bonding and learned to love herself, she started to attract men who were open and caring. It took time, but she eventually met her beloved.
Sarah, one of the participants in my Attracting Your Beloved 30-Day course, gave the following testimonial:
“I wanted to thank you for the Attract your Beloved course – I learnt so much from that course & from your previous courses. Over time it’s been changing my relationship with myself & others in such an amazing way.
“I’ve also met my beloved. He first contacted me while I was doing your Attract your Beloved course, but I didn’t recognize our potential as a couple initially because I was hung up on immediate chemistry. Over time I noticed he had a lot of the characteristics you discussed in the course. We became a couple on 24 December last year & on a trip to Hawaii last month he proposed to me. I’ve never experienced unconditional love from a partner before, it’s feels solid & safe. I’m so privileged to have him in my life & without your words of advice I wouldn’t have given him a proper chance. Thank you so much.
“I don’t know where life will lead & I’ve got plenty more learning to do but I’m so grateful to have felt this love & to know what a relationship can be like. It’s also helping me tap into a deeper love for myself too & for everything around us.
“Thank you so much for being a pivotal part of this journey towards love.”
Sarah is just one of the many participants in my course who let me know that they attracted their beloved during or after the course.
One of the issues that many people need to heal is to attract their beloved is the feeling of shame. It took me many years to understand my shame and to heal it.
When we were little and if we were not loved in the way that we needed to be loved – if we were judged, neglected, ignored, rejected, abused, and hurt in different ways, we needed to find a way to manage this deep pain. When we were rejected in any way, we felt shattered. We felt crushed. We felt heartbroken, but we were too little to manage feeling all those deeply painful feelings of life. So, we found ways to numb them out. And one way we learned is to shame ourselves, because shame is much easier to handle than heartbreak and feeling crushed and shattered.
Almost all of us who suffered pain as children decided that the reason we were not being loved is because there was something wrong with us. And that was actually a kind of life saving decision, because if we would’ve understood as little children that our parents just didn’t know how to love us, we might not have survived that. It’s very rare for a little child to get that “I’m okay. But my parents have no idea how to love me. And I’m stuck here for 18 years.” That’s devastating, so what we did, what I did, and what everybody I work with did, is we decided that it’s our fault.
Deciding that there’s something wrong with us and that’s why we’re not being loved is the beginning of feeling shame, and the basis of the wounded self. The wounded self is based on the concept that there’s something wrong with me, and what this does is it gives us a sense of control. It’s such a helpless feeling to be this little child and for your parents to be unloving or abusive. So when you shame yourself and you tell yourself that there’s something wrong with you, that gives you some hope of control, because then you can say to yourself, “If I change, if I do this right, or I do that right, or I act this way or that way, then maybe I’ll get the love that I need. If I stop being who I am and learn to be the way they want me to be, then maybe I can at least avoid pain.” So we go about putting a lid on our true self, which we’ve decided isn’t good enough, and we develop our false self – our wounded self. The wounded self would rather feel shame, which we are causing, than feel the heartbreak and helplessness of others’ unloving behavior.
Over time, we become addicted to the control that we think this gives us. Like if somebody rejects you, instead of feeling the heartbreak, you judge yourself, and self-judgment is what creates the feeling of shame, telling ourselves the lies that “It’s my fault because not good enough, so I can change and then I can have of control over how others feel about me and treat me.” So at this point, as an adult, shame is very tied in with control – with controlling your deeper feelings, and with controlling how other people feel about you and treat you.
When you are willing to accept the truth – that there never was anything wrong with your beautiful soul, that it wasn’t your fault that you weren’t loved or were abused, and that you don’t have control over how others feel about you and treat you, then judging yourself no longer serves a purpose and shame gets healed.
The more you practice Inner Bonding and learn to see, value, and love your true self, instead of allowing your wounded self to judge and shame you, the more you’re able to let go of the illusion of control over others, and the more you learn to lovingly manage the deeper painful feelings of life that you had to avoid as a child.
It’s when you stop judging and shaming yourself, and stop trying to have control over getting love, and start learning to take loving care of your feelings, that you will find yourself being able to attract your beloved.
One of the things that so important to accept in dating is that you get what you see. Many of my clients whose relationships are not working knew before getting into the relationship that the person had behaviors that were not tolerable to them.
For example, the person was a smoker and smoking was not acceptable to them, or the person was a heavy drinker and this was not acceptable to them, or the person would get very angry and not deal with it, or the person didn’t take care of themselves physically such as not brushing their teeth or not showering, or that the person kept losing jobs, or that the person lied, and so on, but they married the person believing that if they loved that person enough, that person would change. Now the marriage is falling apart because none of these things changed. So please accept that if you don’t like what you see, move on. Don’t kid yourself that your love will get the person to change. Only their love for themselves will bring about change, and you have no control over whether they ever want to learn to love themselves.
I want to stress that if you want to create a loving relationship, first you need to create a loving inner relationship between your loving adult, your inner child, and your higher guidance. You need to learn how to quiet the loud voice of your wounded self and listen to the quiet voice of your higher guidance. When you put your wounded self in charge, you will likely continue to judge yourself as a major way the wounded self tries to control. When we judge ourselves, it can make it very hard to manifest what we want in life and in our relationships. So I want to encourage you to start with noticing your self-judgments without judging yourself for judging yourself. Just notice. And when you work with Inner Bonding and you notice the judgements, then you can open to learning with your higher guidance about what the truth is, and you can learn to bring in the truth rather than continue to operate from the lies of the wounded self.
The more you take loving actions based on the truth, the more you heal your fears and false beliefs that keep you from attracting your beloved.
Your wounded self might like to tell you that you will always be alone, but remember, the wounded self knows nothing. It cannot predict the future and it has no access to truth. You can attract your beloved, and learning to love yourself is the place to start.
I hope you join me in my 30-Day at-home Course: “Attracting your Beloved: A 30-Day At-home Experience to Learn How to Attract the Love of your Life.”
My recent books will also be a big help to you: The Inner Bonding Workbook: Six Steps to Healing Yourself and Connecting With Your Divine Guidance, Diet for Divine Connection: Beyond Junk Foods and Junk Thoughts to At-Will Spiritual Connection, and 6 Steps to Total Self-Healing: The Inner Bonding Process.
And, of course, we have much to offer you at our website at https:www.innerbonding.com.
I’m sending you my love and my blessings.