S2 EP127 – Why Me? - Inner Bonding Hub

Episode Summary

Are you stuck feeling like a victim of your past, your circumstances, or of other people, often saying to yourself, “Why me?” or “It’s not fair.” Do you continue to believe, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, that life should be fair? Find the way out of feeling like a victim.

Transcript

Hi everyone! Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. Today I will be talking about what’s happening when you ask “Why Me?” or you say, “It’s not fair!” when challenging things happen. Again, Dr. Erika Chopich, co-creator of Inner Bonding, suggested this topic, so I asked her to talk about this and here is what she said:

“Life will always be full of speed bumps, and once in a while you’ll get an earthquaking cavern-ness ground opening challenge that makes the speed bump look easy. Some people run right towards that challenge and deal with it, while others sink backwards in a slump and say, ‘Why me?’

“I always wonder when you ask, ‘Why me?’ who are you talking to? Do you assume that God is the author of the earthquake that shattered your life? Do you think that somehow God abandoned you and that this is a consequence? These are all false beliefs, because the simple truth is it’s all a part of life.

“It is how we respond to our life challenges that determines the outcome regarding how we feel, and how we grow through this situation. I have rarely in my life chosen the trap of ‘Why me?’ It just simply is what is and what requires my attention at the time. I know that in the difficult times God does not author the challenges I face, but rather God holds my hand all the way through.

“So how do you make the journey from ‘Why me?’ to ‘Hey I’m doing OK!’? The answer is gratitude. But sometimes even gratitude is so difficult to grasp when you’re really in pain, so I have a secret in how I maintain my gratitude through the most difficult challenges of my life. I start small. For example, I may feel gratitude that for today I don’t have to eat lima beans or okra. Or for today I don’t have to do any damn laundry. From those small baby steps, I begin to slowly expand that gratitude larger and larger until I can reach the pinnacle where I feel gratitude for my life – for how I live my life, and for the people in my life, and for the beauty of my planet, and for my community and so forth. Once I reach that level of gratitude ‘Why me?’ is no longer a question or an issue.

“I’ve heard people say things like ‘I don’t understand. I pray and pray and try to be the best person I can be, and this stuff still happens to me. Why?’ It seems that some people believe that if God really loved them, it would be smooth sailing all the way to the end of their life. That just isn’t a real concept; it’s fantasy, a false belief. We will always have challenges, and in every case I’ve ever seen, God did not author any of the challenges. But God does walk with you. God is always willing to guide you, but you must choose your own direction.

“Often, people like to blame God, whatever that concept is for them, as a way of not taking personal responsibility. You can’t be a victim of life unless you choose to be. Blaming God keeps you in a chronic state of abandonment and anger and it keeps you from taking responsibility and stepping up to the plate and meeting whatever challenge lies before you. All those choices are from the wounded self – not from your loving adult. It is never a good idea to let your inner child suffer from those beliefs and in those conditions. Looking for someone to blame is always a way of abdicating responsibility.

“I have a good friend who tragically lost her son more than a year ago. To this day she angrily blames God, saying that ‘I prayed and prayed, and he is still dead.’ She never speaks to God. She lives in chronic anger and resentment, as though God authored the death of her son. He did not. Sadly, her son was the author of his own passing. My friend’s need to blame someone has kept her from the very healing and nurturing she needs to find her wholeness and her peace again.

“The only time I can personally recall going to ‘Why me?’ is about a year ago when I was pulled over and got my very first speeding ticket. When I saw the red lights in my rearview mirror my very first thought was ‘Why me?’ I started to laugh and realize it was me because I was the only one on the road speeding! I had no one to blame but myself and when I saw the silliness of asking myself ‘Why me?’ I was able to let go of the experience as being negative and used it only as a teaching moment for myself. The officer was very kind. We exchanged some very nice pleasantries and laughter. I paid my fine and life went on without further incident. Had I stayed with ‘Why me?’ it would have ruined my entire day and maybe even more.

“It’s funny how when wonderful things happen to people, they generally don’t ask ‘Why me?’ It’s as though sometimes people expect from spirit all good things at all times. That is not realistic. We actually do live in a world that is exceedingly difficult at times – it’s just part of our being and our experience. Why would we want to assign blame to others when our life is largely what we choose?”

I thanked Erika for sharing her thoughts with me. I always enjoy hearing her point of view.

Along with “Why me?”, I often hear “It’s not fair!” I like this quote by Dennis Wholey: “Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.”

“It’s not fair!” yells eight-year-old Calvin when his six-year-old sister gets a bigger piece of pie.

How early we learn to think life should be fair! This concept that life should be fair seems to have been handed down from parents to children through recent generations. This is a wounded ego-based concept, not at all rooted in reality. And much of the victim mentality of “Why me?” comes from this false belief that life is supposed to be fair.

Rather than telling Calvin the truth that life isn’t fair, his parents reinforce this false belief by scrambling around to make the pie pieces even. This will not be helpful to Calvin as he grows up and encounters many seemingly unfair situations. Why do parents work so hard to try to make things fair? Why not say to their children, “Right – life isn’t fair. It’s never going to be fair, so let’s accept that and move on.” Parents often try hard to be fair to avoid conflict, rather than being honest with their children.

I say, ‘seemingly unfair’ because I have a completely different concept of ‘fair.’ To me, ‘fair’ has nothing to do with the earthly level but rather with the soul level. What seems unfair on the earthly level is likely exceedingly fair on the soul level.

What I mean is this: I believe that our real journey on the planet is a soul journey, and that each soul needs different lessons to evolve toward love and wholeness. The person who is born rich and is given everything has different lessons to learn than the person who is born poor and has to find his or her own way. It is our ego wounded self who believes that things should be ‘fair’ on the outer level, but I believe that things are always fair on the inner, soul level.

I didn’t always think this way. I was born poor, and nothing was ever handed to me. I used to envy those who were born rich – whose parents could send them to the best schools, whose parents role-modeled behavior that led to success. I used to envy people who had easy marriages when mine was so hard. Now I know that my journey is just right for me to learn what I came to this planet to learn. I no longer worry about what is fair.

Now, when my client says, “Why me?” because her spouse had an affair, or “It’s not fair,” because all her friends are pregnant and she isn’t, or because his best friend inherited millions and he’s struggling financially, I hear each one of them being a little child, wanting to believe that life should be fair. It’s so much easier to say, “Why me?” or “It’s not fair” than to face life’s challenges head on, with deep compassion for ourselves for the heartbreak of life, and for the helplessness over others and outcomes, and with a willingness to be on the learning journey of the soul.

Next time you hear yourself say, “Why me?” or “It’s not fair!” stop and notice what this is protecting you from feeling. Is there something or someone you are feeling helpless over? Is seeing yourself as a victim a way to avoid compassionately acknowledging the reality of this? Do you feel heartache or heartbreak or grief, and is the belief that it shouldn’t have happened to you and it’s not fair, a way to avoid feeling these very difficult feelings of life?

It takes courage to be on the soul journey of evolving in our ability to love ourselves and others. Acceptance that you are not a victim in life is part of this journey.

Many people not only see themselves as victims of life, but they might also feel like a victim on the emotional level.

None of us like to think of ourselves as victims. The term “victim” brings to mind a pathetic image of a person who is powerless. Therefore, it comes as a shock to most of us to realize how often we allow ourselves to see ourselves as being victimized.

We are being victims anytime we give another person or situation the power to define our worth. We are being victims anytime we make approval, sex, things, a substance, or an activity responsible for our feelings of happiness and lovability. We operate as victims anytime we blame another or God for our feelings of fear, anger, hurt, aloneness, jealousy, disappointment and so on. Whenever we choose to define ourselves externally, we are handing away power to others and we then feel controlled by their choices. When we choose to define ourselves internally through our connection with our spiritual guidance, we move out of victimization and into personal power and personal responsibility.

We always have two choices: we can try to find our happiness, peace, safety, security, lovability and worth through people, things, activities and substances; or we can feel joyful, peaceful, safe, secure, lovable and worthy through practicing Inner Bonding – connecting with spirit, learning to take loving care of ourselves and loving others.

Whenever we choose to find our happiness and safety through others, then we have to try to control them to give us what we want. Then, when they don’t come through for us in the way we hoped they would, we feel victimized by their choices.

Here is an example: My clients Don and Joyce are in a continual power struggle over how to handle their children. Joyce tends to be authoritarian while Don is fairly permissive. When Joyce gets frustrated with Don’s parenting, she generally yells at him about his permissiveness. Don often listens to Joyce rant and rave at him. Sometimes she goes on for over an hour and he just listens. Then, when he tries to talk with her, she refuses to listen. Don then feels victimized, complaining about how Joyce yells at him and refuses to listen to him. He gets stuck in victimization.

When Don came to me for help, he essentially said, “Why me? Why am I stuck with all this anger at me? It’s not fair!”

When I asked Don why he sits and listens to Joyce, he stated that he hoped if he listened to her rant and rave at him, she would then listen to him. I asked if she ever does listen during these conflicts, and he answered “No.” “Why do you need her to listen to you?” “I want to explain to her why I did what I did with the children.” “Why do you need to explain it to her?” “So she won’t be mad at me,” he said.

Don allows himself to be yelled at by Joyce as his way of trying to control Joyce, hoping to get her to approve of him. Then he feels victimized by her yelling, blaming her for being such an angry, controlling person.

If Don were willing to practice Inner Bonding and learn to take responsibility for approving of himself through his connection with his spiritual guidance, he would not listen to Joyce when she was yelling at him. Instead, he would set a boundary against being yelled at, stating that he would listen to her only when she spoke to him with respect and only when she was open to learning with him. But as long as she has to approve of him for him to feel secure or worthy, he will not set this boundary. Until Don opens to his higher self for his security and worth, instead of handing this job to Joyce, he will continue to be victimized by her unloving behavior and will continue to think that it’s not fair.

Do you know when you are acting as a victim or feeling that you are a victim?

Do you recognize any of these situations?

Someone criticizes you and you feel badly or that it’s not fair. Believing that your upset is in reaction to the criticism, rather than in reaction to whatever you are telling yourself about the criticism and how you are responding to the criticism, makes you feel like a victim of the other person.
Do you get angry when things don’t go your way? Believing that your anger is being caused by something external, rather than by some way that you are not taking loving care of yourself, makes you feel like a victim of someone or something.
Do you believe that life is unfair? That others are lucky, and you aren’t? That God loves some people but not you? Believing that circumstances or God are the cause of your unhappiness, rather than your own beliefs and behavior, means that you see yourself as a victim of life.
Do you get sick a lot or suffer from weight issues or degenerative diseases? Believing that this is just your lot in life or just your genetics, rather than taking responsibility for your food, exercise, and stress, puts you in the position of seeing yourself as a victim.
Do you find yourself feeling a lot of emotional pain – aloneness, emptiness, anxiety, depression, fear, hurt, guilt, shame? Do you believe that someone should come along and make you happy? Not taking responsibility for yourself, not practicing Inner Bonding, and not learning to love yourself instead of abandoning yourself, keeps you stuck being a victim of your own negative thinking, which is the cause of your pain.
Are you miserable in a situation in your life – a relationship, a job? If you believe it is the relationship or the job that is making you miserable, instead of recognizing that there are ways you are not taking loving care of yourself regarding these situations, then you likely see yourself as a victim of these situations.
Do you lack friends and family and end up feeling alone and isolated? Do you wallow in depression rather than practice Inner Bonding to discover how you are abandoning yourself and what the loving action would be? Staying stuck rather than diligently practicing Inner Bonding keeps you feeling victimized.

Notice, in these situations, whether you say to yourself, “Why me?” or “It’s not fair!”

If you often find yourself being angry at others or at God, it’s likely you see yourself as a victim.

I frequently hear my clients say things like, “Don’t I have a right to be angry? Wouldn’t anyone be angry in my situation?”

Of course, everyone has the “right” to be angry at any time. The real question is, “Is your anger serving you well? Or is it actually causing you more problems?”

It is important to be aware of where your anger is coming from – that is, what is the intent of your anger? Is it coming from your wounded self or from your loving adult?

Anger from the wounded self is blaming anger. It is the anger of a victim, making someone or something else responsible for your feelings. The intent of this anger is to have control over the other person, a situation, God, nature, or over your own painful feelings. This anger is often a protection against the authentic feelings of heartbreak, grief, loneliness, and helplessness over others, events, and outcomes. Many people would rather get angry, which momentarily makes them feel powerful, than feel the more difficult feelings that are under the anger.

The wounded self believes that anger will get you what you want, and sometimes it does. If the person you are angry at is afraid of you, he or she may comply with your demands. But the price you pay for this compliance may be greater than you realize. Since no one likes to feel controlled and intimidated by you, he or she may gradually pull away from the relationship. You might find yourself losing friends, jobs, employees, or your partner. No one likes to be at the other end of someone’s blaming anger, so then you might hear yourself saying, “Why me? It’s not fair!”

Anger expressed at others is generally a projection of your inner child’s anger at you for some way you are not taking care of yourself.

There is also authentic anger from the loving adult, and there are two kinds of this. The first is outrage. Outrage is the feeling we may get when faced with situations such as starving children, homeless people, violations to the environment, child abuse, or spousal abuse. Outrage is an important feeling, as it moves us to take action to help correct the injustice. Outrage is not anger dumped on another person to get them to change. Rather, it is a feeling that motivates us to take loving action, such as writing a book, donating money, or participating in some form of volunteer work.

The second kind of anger that comes from the loving adult is anger expressed with the intent to learn about what you are thinking or doing that is causing the anger – how you are not taking care of yourself. This anger is not expressed to another person directly. Instead, it is expressed through the Three-Step Inner Bonding Anger Process, starting with anger at another person or at God, moving to anger at who this person reminds you of from the past, and completing with allowing your inner child to express anger at your wounded self for how you are not taking care of yourself in this situation, and how you are treating yourself as your parents or other caregivers treated you or treated themselves.

Once you complete this process, you will have a much better idea of how you are responsible for your anger, and you will also begin to see what actions you can take to love yourself. Anger from the loving adult leads to learning and taking loving action. Anger from the wounded self is a bottomless pit and feeds on itself. The angrier you get, the angrier you get. It doesn’t lead to ultimately feeling peaceful and powerful. It may feel good in the moment to the wounded self, because it enables you to “get it out” by dumping it on someone else, and it covers up the deeper authentic painful feelings. But in the long run it just makes you feel more frustrated, powerless, and victimized, especially as you start to suffer the negative consequences that inevitably result from blaming anger.

Others will not feel close and intimate with you when they are afraid of you. If you want to move beyond loneliness and into connection with others, then you need to learn to manage your anger as a loving adult – learning from it and allowing it to motivate you to take appropriate action, rather than either ignoring it or dumping it on others.

Whenever you believe that your wounded feelings of anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, aloneness, emptiness, anger, or jealousy are coming from outside yourself, rather than from your own thoughts and behavior, you are being a victim.

I once heard a lecture by a man who had been homeless. He had come from poverty and abuse and had been a very miserable person. One day he had the idea to read about happy and successful people. He started to spend most of his time at the library, reading the biographies of many successful and happy people. What happened is that, in reading about how these people thought, he started to change his own thinking, which led to changes in his behavior. Within a relatively short time, he was no longer homeless, and eventually got married, had a family, and was a millionaire with much joy in his life. He moved from being a victim to taking 100% responsibility for his thoughts and behavior.

When you focus on practicing Inner Bonding throughout a day, you become aware of the false beliefs that keep you stuck in believing you are a victim. You become aware of the many ways you are abandoning yourself that lead to your unhappiness or failure to thrive. In connecting with your feelings and your guidance throughout a day, you learn to live in truth rather than in false beliefs, and to take loving action on your own behalf rather than staying stuck being a victim.

I hope you join me for my 30-Day at-home Course: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”

You can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from my recent books: