Episode Summary

Are you living in integrity with your own soul, or are you operating from “bad faith”? Do you think that you can go against yourself and still find joy? Do you have the courage to act with honesty and integrity, or would you rather sacrifice your integrity to avoid conflict in your relationships? A lack of integrity is rampant in our society. This podcast begins to explain the deeper causes of this lack of integrity.

Transcript

Many people think they are their ego wounded self. However, the ego wounded self has no sense of integrity. This aspect of us is all about control. And controlling behavior is the opposite of behaving with integrity. When we want to have control over others and outcomes, we may behave in bad faith – against the love, kindness, and truth of our essence.

We know we are acting in integrity when we feel full, peaceful, and joyful. We know we are acting in bad faith and a lack of integrity when we feel empty inside.

Your wounded self thinks that you can get away with trying to control rather than acting with integrity. The problem is that when you ignore your feelings – your inner guidance system – you are abandoning yourself and harming your own soul without knowing it.

You might think that getting what you want, even if you lack integrity and are in bad faith, will make you happy. But there is no true joy when you are harming yourself and others to get what you want.

How Important is Your Integrity to You?

Are you living in integrity with your own soul, or are you operating from “bad faith”? Do you think that you can go against yourself and still find joy? Do you have the courage to act with honesty and integrity, or would you rather sacrifice your integrity to avoid conflict in your relationships? A lack of integrity is rampant in our society. This podcast begins to explain the deeper causes of this lack of integrity.

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding podcast. Today I want to speak to a topic that is very important to me – integrity.

As a younger person, and actually until Inner Bonding came into me life from spirit, I never thought about integrity. The concept of always acting from true integrity wasn’t high on my radar, so I ended up doing some things that I deeply regret, and which I’ve had to forgive myself for. I often gave myself up and went along with what others wanted, even when they were not what I wanted, and ended up acting in ways that I don’t at all value.

When I started to practice Inner Bonding and learned to connect with my soul, I gradually learned to listen to my inner and higher guidance regarding being in faith with myself.

Before I go on, I want to offer my definition of integrity.

To me, integrity means a number of things:

It means being reliable and trustworthy with your word – doing what you say you are going to do, and following through on your commitments
It means being honest and telling the truth about yourself
It means not doing anything you would not want announced publicly
It means walking your talk – adhering to the moral principles and standards that you profess are important to you
It means being accountable for your actions and taking responsibility for your feelings

A lack of integrity can have devastating effects on relationships.

My client, Ray, consulted with me because his ten-year marriage was running into severe difficulties. He was deeply in love with his wife and was terrified of losing her, yet the outlook was not bright with the way things were going.

Ray was a scientist and part owner of a large and successful lab. He loved his work and often got lost in what he was doing, forgetting the time. His wife, Vickie, had learned to accept this about Ray, and no longer took it personally when he worked long hours and came home late. However, the one thing that really upset her was when Ray said he would be home at a particular time and then came home hours later, without calling her. She had told Ray many times that if he would just call and tell her he would be late, or not give her a time, it would be fine. When he did call or didn’t give her a particular time, it was fine. But too often, after telling her a time, he didn’t show up and he didn’t call. When he finally arrived home after not calling, she was closed off and distant. Ray would then get upset with her for being closed. She was reaching the point where she was no longer willing to be treated with what felt to her like a lack of respect and a lack of integrity.

Ray was not acting with integrity, because he was saying one thing and doing another.

As a result, he was feeling badly about himself, but blaming Vickie’s withdrawal for his painful feelings, which was only deepening his lack of integrity. Not only was he not keeping his word, but he was not being accountable for his actions, and was blaming Vickie for his feelings.

As we explored why Ray didn’t call Vickie, it became apparent that he had learned as a child to be a caretaker. He was actually a very kind and loving person but was always trying to please everyone. Because he could not bear what he projected was Vickie’s disappointment, he would tell her what he thought she wanted – a time that he would be home. Then, the moment he felt a conflict between what he wanted and what he thought Vickie wanted, he would space out and go unconscious, avoiding the whole situation by ignoring the time. However, even though he was doing what he wanted to do, he would feel tense inside. His inner child was not happy with his lack of integrity. But he would choose to ignore his stressful feelings, and then dump them on Vickie when he finally arrived home.

As we explored the great stress his lack of integrity caused him, Ray began to see that he needed to keep his word, not just for Vickie, but for himself. He began to understand that not being true to his word was harming him and causing him to feel inadequate, no matter how much he worked and how much money he made.

Our soul essence has a deep and natural sense of integrity.

We cannot ignore this without harming ourselves. Ray realized that by going unconscious because he didn’t want to deal with possible conflict, he was not only causing more conflict with Vickie, but he was letting himself down in a way that was deeply harmful to himself.

Take a moment now to think about the characteristics of integrity that I talked about at the beginning of this podcast. Think about any areas where you are not being in integrity with yourself and others. Think about how you feel when you are not reliable with your word, or when you are not honest about yourself, or when you behave in ways that do not reflect your values, or when you are not accountable for your actions and feelings. People may choose a lack of integrity when they think that the outcome will be worth it. But is it worth any outcome – emotional or financial – to do harm to your own soul? We can “get away with it” only when we are not aware of the harm we are doing to ourselves.

Remember, we are on a spiritual journey of the soul. Integrity is a big part of this journey.

But why do so many people lack integrity?

In the 100-year-old classic, As A Man Thinketh, James Allen stated, “By the right choice and true application of thought, man ascents to the Divine Perfection; by the abuse and wrong application of thought, he descents below the level of the beast. Between these two extremes are all the grades of character, and man is their maker and master.”

Since this is so old, please do not be put off by the use of “man” rather than “As a Person thinketh.” Being politically correct was not a primary issue when this book was written!

Our planet is in trouble due to a lack of integrity – a lack of high moral principles that are in alignment with who we really are in our souls. Why is there such a lack of integrity? What is the issue underlying a lack of integrity?

As the quote indicates, how we THINK determines our level of integrity. When we are addicted to thinking thoughts that create fear, we may end up behaving in ways that lack integrity.

Why would we want to think thoughts that create fear? Because this is what our programmed mind – our ego wounded self – knows and thrives on.

Our ego programmed mind learned many ways to protect us from the things we feared and could not handle as little children. We might have learned to lie to protect against our parent’s anger. We might have learned to steal to get what we wanted. We might have learned to have temper tantrums to get our way.

We might also have learned to think thoughts such as:

“Being kind gets you nowhere. If I’m kind, people will run over me and take advantage of me.”

“If I don’t fight to get what I want, I won’t get my fair share.”

“There is never enough to go around, so I had better make sure I’m at the head of the line, even if others get hurt. The end justifies the means.”

This kind of thinking will always create fear and a need to be in control. Out of this fear, people will behave in many ways that lack integrity and go against who they really are. They continue to behave as they might have as little children – lying, stealing, having temper tantrums, doing anything they can to have control over getting what they want, even when it harms others. We have only to look at some of our government, many big businesses, drug companies, insurance companies, and big food and big ag to see that a lack of integrity has become the norm in our society.

We seem to be living in a time when the integrity of truth, authenticity and transparency are not highly valued. We can look at politics, the media, some government agencies such as the FDA, cosmetics and clothing corporations, some religious leaders, and, as I’ve already mentioned, big food, drug, and insurance companies, to see that manipulation and lies are the norm. Many of us have naturally come to mistrust much of what is being said in the media.

Unfortunately, much of our government and many big businesses are more interested in control than in integrity. They want control over getting the money they want, and they want the power that having money gives them. But they are harming their souls with this huge lack of integrity.

We are the only country in the world that does not have universal health care. The insurance company lobbies, and drug company lobbies make sure that we will not have what every other country in the world has. A number of years ago, I learned from seeing the movie “Sicko” that in France, their taxes cover health care, college, and household help for new mothers! Perhaps we wouldn’t mind paying taxes if we received some of these benefits here in the US!

In many other countries, people take care of each other, which is part of living in integrity. We certainly need some of that here!

This will not change until people change their thoughts. What if people thought thoughts based on truth and caring rather than on fear?

What if loving thoughts were the norm, such as:

“Being kind to myself and others empowers me and gives me the strength to stand up for what is right – both for myself and others.”

“There is enough for everyone to have what they want and need. Abundance is a law of the universe.”

“Behaving in ways that are in alignment with the spiritual values of compassion, kindness and caring – which is who I really am – brings me great inner peace and joy.”

Obviously, people who operate from these thoughts rather than from the thoughts of their ego wounded selves, are the people who are acting with integrity.

As long as people operate under the false belief that happiness lies in getting what they want externally, rather than in whom they choose to be in the world, they will be lacking integrity on their way to getting. Only when they finally see that deep inner peace and joy comes from being in alignment with their inner spiritual values will they consistently behave with integrity.

When I was in school training to be a psychotherapist, one of my professors introduced me to a concept that I find very valuable: “bad faith.”

We are in bad faith with ourselves and others when we are out of alignment with what is true for “who we really are.”

So I want to talk about who you really are in terms of your essential self – the soul within that is a spark of the Divine.

All of us have an essence that is an individualized expression of the Divine. Our essence is love, kindness, peace, joy, and truth. We are in bad faith – which means lacking integrity – whenever we go against our true self, our essence.

The problem is that most people do not operate from their essence. In fact, they may not even know they HAVE an essence. Many people think they are their ego wounded self. However, the ego wounded self has no sense of integrity. This aspect of us is all about control. And controlling behavior is the opposite of behaving with integrity. When we want to have control over others and outcomes, we may behave in bad faith – against the love, kindness, and truth of our essence.

Being in integrity means that we do not behave in ways that go against our essence. It means that we are loving and valuing ourselves and others rather than abandoning ourselves.

How do we know when we are lacking integrity and operating in bad faith? We know by paying attention to our feelings. Our feelings are our inner guidance system, letting us know when we are thinking and behaving in ways that are in alignment with our essence, and when we are not. We know we are acting in integrity when we feel full, peaceful, and joyful. We know we are acting in bad faith and a lack of integrity when we feel empty inside.

The reason that so many people can behave in ways that are not in integrity is that they have chosen to ignore their feelings or numb out with various addictions. When we choose to avoid our inner guidance system, then we can operate from our wounded self, behaving in ways that may harm ourselves and harm others. This is obviously not loving to ourselves or to others.

Your wounded self thinks that you can get away with trying to control rather than acting with integrity. The problem is that when you ignore your feelings – your inner guidance system – you are abandoning yourself and harming your own soul without knowing it. If you numbed your hand with Novocain and then cut into your finger while slicing bread, you would be harming yourself without knowing it. When you numb or ignore your feelings, you can do deep harm to your own soul without knowing it.

You might think that getting what you want, even if you lack integrity and are in bad faith, will make you happy. But there is no true joy when you are harming yourself and others to get what you want. You will experience joy only when you are loving yourself by behaving in alignment with the love, kindness, and truth of your soul essence.

People lack integrity and become inauthentic when they have something to hide, and they are transparent when they are coming from integrity.

How can you know when someone is being authentic and transparent, or lying and manipulating? The answer, again, is to learn to trust your feelings.

I rarely watch political debates because I can feel how much lying and manipulating is often going on. I can’t stand watching commercials – especially food and drug commercials – for the same reason. Same with a lot of the news. I get a yucky, creepy feeling in my body that feels so bad I have to not listen.

Obviously, the intent to control is far more important to all these people and organizations than to operate from integrity with the intent to be loving to themselves and others. I often wonder – how can they live with themselves? It’s so obvious that power and greed have taken them over and they have completely lost touch with their loving essence. Perhaps they even believe they are being loving to themselves by trying to control everything and everyone.

Having worked with some of these people, I know that they are not happy, peaceful people. Their inner emptiness is so huge that they have to get more and more stuff and attention to stave off their pain. A friend of mine recently worked with a well-known financial success guru. He had been very excited to be hired to work with him, and I was interested in hearing how it went. “It was a disaster,” he told me over lunch. “The guy has no depth at all. Everything about him is superficial. He couldn’t take any of my suggestions due to his ego. I couldn’t wait to get out of there.”

Interesting. Many people I know have taken this man’s workshops, but I’ve never been drawn to do so, because his energy in his videos has felt awful to me. I’m so glad I trusted myself!

There is an energy – a frequency – to authenticity, transparency and integrity that feels clean and light. There is also a frequency to inauthenticity and a lack of integrity. Sometimes it’s hard to feel it because the person may be very charismatic and sound so sincere. This is why it is very important to move beyond the external and let yourself be aware of the feelings in your body. Since people cannot hide their intent, if you trust your feelings, you will be able to pick up the frequency of the lack of integrity of manipulation and duplicity. When watching politicians who lack integrity, I can hear my inner guidance saying things like, “He gives me the heebie jeebies.” or “Her energy makes me sick,” or “Oh Yuck!” My inner guidance doesn’t mince words!

On the other hand, when I feel tingles and shivers, I know that I’m hearing the truth. I also feel an expansiveness inside when someone has integrity and is being authentic, as opposed to the constriction I often feel when someone lacks integrity and is being inauthentic.

I have a much harder time picking all this up when it is someone I believe I know well and care for. This is likely challenging for all of us. When you love someone and connect with their essence, it’s often hard to be aware of when they are in their ego wounded self, being manipulative and deceitful. Sometimes we need others who are not so involved to help with this.

I encourage you to work towards trusting your feelings about others, as well as becoming truly authentic and transparent yourselves. Living with integrity is a much easier way to live than trying to hide, and I hope you know that practicing Inner Bonding is a powerful method for moving out of bad faith with yourself, and into living as a person with high integrity.

I hope you join me for my 30-Day at-home Course to learn or deepen your Inner Bonding practice: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”

You can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from my recent books: