Are you aware of how your energy affects others, and do you care about this? How often do you ignore your inner feeling experience of someone – instead, allowing your outer, behavioral experience to govern your choices? Like does attract like, so focus on keeping your frequency high and you will attract loving people and manifest your dreams!
Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul and Dr. Erika Chopich here with the Inner Bonding podcast. Today we are speaking to the issue of our energy and our frequency, and how this effects our relationship with ourselves and with others.
(Erika) “What is it with you Erika? Does everybody think they need to talk to you?” That was the reaction of one of my barn team members when we were out doing errands. I do experience that people like to talk to me. We went into Nature ‘s Grocer to do a bit of shopping and when we got to the checkout stand I looked at the checker’s name tag and said “Svetlana, I have a case of water on the bottom of my cart right here.” The lady looked at me with such shock and said, “My gosh! You said my name absolutely correctly!” Svetlana is from Russia and found it curious that anybody could say her name correctly. She was so appreciative of the fact that I knew how to pronounce her name that we immediately locked eyes and struck up a conversation. We began comparing recipes and our cultures. My helper said as we left the store, “See what I mean?”
On the drive home my young helper and I got into a conversation about why people feel compelled to talk to me. I’d previously thought it was my soft brown eyes or my smile or the fact that I always make eye contact with people. Then I realized something more.
The energy that we all move with every day, from task to task to person to person, is the picture frame that defines who we are as a person. I noticed some people completely ignore those around them while other people are superb at making contact. I enjoy making contact with all those around me and make a conscious effort to lift their day in some small way or help them to laugh or engage them in a meaningful way. I am never dismissive of anyone. Discovering what energy you move about the planet with is a great part of our growth as it defines our intention.
I realize some people feel too shy to engage but even through shyness you have the ability to make eye contact or offer a smile. The energy you move with is, in fact, who you have chosen to be and what you have chosen to express.
Svetlana said to me, “You are a beautiful woman, but you have such an amazing energy!” She was drawn into my energy because I offered no protection or barrier. The energy we function in and carry with us either invites people in or holds them at an arm’s length. I always reach to people and strive at all times to offer a little uplift and a little love in every interaction I have.
People who fear rejection or being drained by others’ energy usually have a guarded energy that does not invite people in. But people whose intention is to share their love have an open and inviting energy.
(Margaret) Erika’s open and giving energy was one of the first things I noticed about her in our growing friendship.
A friend of mine recently said to me, somewhat in awe, “I’m just discovering that energy is everything!”
Right, it is, but what does this mean, exactly?
Our energy is the frequency, or vibration, that automatically emanates from our being, and, as Erika said, is a result of our intention. Each of us is always radiating energy. Energy operates on a continuum from extremely negative, closed, and dark, to wonderfully open, positive and light, and reflects our intent – from a controlling or even evil intent to a kind, giving, and loving intent.
Whenever our intent is to protect ourselves with some form of controlling behavior, our energy is of a low frequency – heavy, dark, and difficult to be around. Whenever our intent is to be loving and to learn about love, our energy is lighter and easier to be around. Learning to discern the differences in our own and others’ energy is very important regarding being loving to ourselves.
Here is an example: Richard, 28, fell in love with Rachael, also 28, an extraordinarily beautiful woman with a winning smile. Richard is a very kind, caring and compassionate person who is a caretaker. Richard believed that everyone was basically like him – kind and caring.
Richard also believed that anyone who was beautiful on the outside must also be beautiful on the inside. Instead of caring enough about himself to discern who Rachael really was, Richard allowed lust to determine his decisions and married Rachael. In time he discovered that Rachael was a hard, cold, and calculating woman, likely a narcissist or sociopath, who was in the marriage only to be taken care of financially. The marriage eventually ended in a difficult divorce, with Richard losing much financially.
Had Richard tuned into Rachael’s energy instead of being dazzled by her looks, he would have quickly discovered that Rachael lacked openness, caring, kindness, empathy, and compassion. Had he been willing to go within to his own inner feeling experience of Rachael, he might have learned that she was not a good match for him. Had he been willing to experience Rachael with his heart and soul, rather than his genitals, he would have known that she was not for him. Had he been willing to accept that he could not change her with his caretaking, he would not have married her.
How often do you ignore your inner feeling experience of someone – instead, allowing your outer surface or behavioral experience to govern your choices? It is only your feelings that are capable of discerning a person’s energy. If you feel a sense of inner uneasiness, pay attention to it. It might be telling you to be cautious. Even if a person appears on the surface to be open and friendly, the deeper intent is betrayed by the energy. If the deeper intent in being open and friendly is to control, you can feel it in your body if you tune in.
However, if your intent is to control, which Richard’s was with his caretaking, you likely won’t be able to accurately discern another’s energy because your ability to discern is affected by your own intent, and your intent to control puts you into your disconnected ego wounded self.
When your intent is to learn about what is loving to your inner child, then you can tune into your inner experience and discern another’s intent.
Energy is everything. How people look, what they say, or how they behave often does not accurately reflect who they are choosing to be. It is the energy behind their behavior and words that really matters. A person can say, with the softest voice, “I love you,” and the energy behind these words can be totally different, depending upon the intent. If the person’s intent in saying “I love you” is to get something – approval, sex, money, time, attention, and so on – the energy will not feel good inside you. You might feel pulled on or even drained by the expression of love. If the person’s intent is to share love with no agenda in mind, it will feel very good inside you. Your responsibility, if you are going to be a loving adult for your inner child, is to stay open to learning about loving yourself so that you are open to learning about another’s intent. Your inner child will feel safe when you become a discerning loving adult, willing to know the truth about another’s intent and resulting energy.
Do you take accountability for your energy?
Most of us know that we need to be accountable for our harmful actions toward others. Most of us know that we are responsible if we physically harm others, steal their property, and so on. However, many people never think about being accountable for how their energy affects others. Yet our angry, blaming, attacking, judgmental, or withdrawn energy can feel just as violating to others as if we punched them.
Think about what happens for you inside when someone gives you an angry look. Does your stomach tighten? Does your whole body get tense? Our bodies generally respond to the energy of anger and blame with an adrenaline reaction, just as if we were being physically attacked. Even if the anger isn’t overt, such as when someone is withdrawn, most other people can feel the closed, negative energy and are affected by it.
At one of our Inner Bonding intensives, we got into a discussion about energy accountability when one of the participants – I’ll call her Sally – blamed another participant for interrupting her. “Your comment has gotten me off track. Now I can’t remember what I was going to say. And this is not the first time you’ve done this.” The other participant – I’ll call him Alex – felt bad and apologized, but I could see that Alex didn’t know what to do to take care of himself in the face of the blame. I could also see that most of the participants felt tense in the face of the blaming energy.
When I asked Sally about the good reasons she had for saying this to Alex, she believed that she was standing up for herself and setting a healthy boundary. Yet she realized that she didn’t feel good after the interaction, even though Alex apologized. Sally’s discomfort came from the fact that she really wasn’t taking loving care of herself – she was being a victim and blaming Alex for her feelings, trying to control him with her angry energy.
It is never loving to ourselves, and it always puts us into a victim position, to blame another for our feelings or behavior.
“So, what could I have done to take care of myself?” asked Sally. “Well,” I answered, “You might have just held up your hand and gone right on with what you were saying, or said something like, ‘I need to finish this thought.’ Then you wouldn’t have gotten off track. It was your choice to stop what you were saying to pay attention to what Alex was saying, and then blame Alex for it. Even though you didn’t yell at Alex, your angry energy was telling him that he did something wrong and should feel guilty and responsible for your feelings about what he did. You made him responsible for getting you off track. If your intent was to take care of yourself, you would have automatically done something else. Our behavior and resulting energy come from our intent. The moment our intent is to be fully accountable for our feelings, behavior, and energy, we will behave totally differently than when our intent is to make someone else responsible for how we feel or how we behave. When we are emotionally accountable, we are also energy accountable.”
Then we did a little work with Alex. Alex realized that he had done what he often did when being blamed – he made himself wrong and took responsibility for the other person’s feelings rather than for his own, and then felt badly. “So how could I have taken care of myself in this situation?” he asked. I asked Alex to open to his guidance and see what would have been loving toward his inner child. “I think I needed to say to Sally, ‘This doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to be blamed for you getting off track and for your upset,’ without blaming her. I think I would have felt really good if I had remembered to say that. When I have said things like that, I feel really good.”
There is so much to learn when we are open to learning.
Both Sally and Alex were grateful that the interaction occurred, because both learned a lot about taking responsibility for their feelings and behavior, as well as for being accountable for how their energy affects others. The other participants were also grateful because all of us have been affected by others’ energy, but many people are unconscious of how their own energy – even when they don’t say anything – affects others. Everyone realized that they often feel uneasy when someone is disapproving, judgmental, angry, or withdrawn. “Wow! Now we need to be accountable, not only for our feelings and behavior, but for our energy as well!” stated one of the participants.
Right. We need to be accountable for our intent. Our intent will always be betrayed by our energy, even when we don’t say anything. Our intent to protect through some form of controlling behavior will be felt even if we don’t say anything, or even if we say it calmly. We cannot hide our intent. When we become conscious enough to be deliberate about our intent, we will naturally move into emotional and energy accountability.
Being accountable for our energy needs to happen on the emotional/spiritual level as well as on the physical. We each have a physical body – the body we can see, the body we move around in. We also have an energy body that is within and around our physical body. Our energy body is like the electrical system in a house – it brings vitality to our physical body.
Our energy system can get depleted or blocked by many things, such as self-abandonment, a poor diet, and stress. When our energy body is depleted or blocked, our physical body becomes tired, listless, or ill, which makes it very hard to raise our frequency high enough to access our higher guidance and share loving energy with others.
There are many things that affect our energy body.
Our thoughts, emotions, and state of mind, the food we eat, exercise or lack of it, our intention to love or control, our relationships with people, our relationship with nature, our relationship with our spiritual guidance – all impact our energy.
When our energy is flowing smoothly, we feel alive, vital, and filled up inside, and this when others’ likely experience us as open and caring. But even if we are not feeling great on the physical level due to illness, we still have the choice to stay open to learning and send loving and positive energy to others. Erika is a master at this.
Kimberly is constantly feeling depleted, worn out. She eats well and gets enough exercise and sleep yet is always complaining about being tired. The problem is that energetically Kimberly is a giver. She gives to everyone without first making sure that she is filling herself with love. She is not discerning regarding when people are taking love and when they are sharing love. Because she is such a giving person to others, but not to herself, her husband and children have learned to take her love without giving it back, which leads to her feeling drained, depleted and worn out.
If Kimberly wants to give from a full place instead of from a depleted place, she needs to do a number of things to support her energy. And it’s only if she is open to learning, connecting with her guidance, and filling herself with love that she is actually giving love to others, rather than giving to get love back.
- She needs to take more time for herself, being in nature and standing on the earth, and even hugging a tree
- She needs to spend more time in conscious connection with her spiritual guidance. While spirit is always energizing us, we can greatly increase the energy flow by being in conscious connection through our intent to learn about loving ourselves and others. Spending more time in prayer and practicing Inner Bonding will energize her.
- She needs to notice and release the thoughts that deplete her energy – judgmental, angry, blaming, shaming thoughts, and thoughts that cause fear and anxiety. Negative thinking causes the body to go into a fight or flight reaction, which depletes our energy.
- She needs to practice being compassionate toward herself, giving herself the same compassion she gives to others. Not only will compassion for herself energize her, but through being in tune with herself, she will learn to discern when someone is taking her love rather than sharing love. She then has the choice to take loving action on her own behalf, so she is not perpetuating one-way relationships.
- She needs to engage in some creative activity, such as art, crafts, cooking, gardening, writing, dancing, music, and so on. Creative activities open us to spirit and energize us.
- She needs to be more aware of her intention to love or to control. She needs to be aware of her tendency to give love to get it back, using her giving or her compliance as a means of control. The intent to learn energizes us, while the intent to control depletes us.
- She needs to continue to eat pure foods and get adequate exercise and sleep.
We live in a stressful society where work, money issues, time issues, family issues, and issues regarding racism, sexism, misogyny, and violence can easily deplete our energy. We need to consciously take the time to regenerate if we want to have the energy to truly share love with others.
Not only does keeping our frequency high give us the energy to share love with others, it’s also what’s needed to manifest what we want. I’ve seen over and over again, with both me and Erika, that The Law of Attraction, which states that like attracts like, actually works to manifest what we want.
Like attracts like means that like frequency attracts like frequency. My high frequency attracts the things I want, and my low frequency attracts the things I don’t want.
So it’s very important for all of us to know what raises or lowers our frequency, our vibration, our energy level.
Anything that makes you feel down lowers your frequency. Here is a list of what I have found lowers frequency:
- The Intent to control. When your desire is to control your feelings, as well as others and outcomes, you are operating out of your wounded self, which lowers your frequency. Even positive thoughts can lower your frequency when your intent is to control, rather than be loving to yourself and others.
- Negative thinking, resentment, judgment, and self-judgment. The lies you tell yourself from your ego wounded self lower your frequency. Feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, shame, jealousy, and envy all have a low frequency, so any thought that comes from false beliefs and that creates these feelings, lowers your frequency.
- Resistance, coming from the fear of being controlled by others, by God, or even by yourself, lowers your frequency.
- Alcohol. While people might convince themselves that they raise their frequency when drinking, this is not true. Just because it may lower your stress, doesn’t mean it raises your frequency.
- Prescription drugs. Since prescription drugs are alien to the body, the body has to work to deal with them, which can cause a lowering of frequency, as well as have a negative effect on our gut bacteria, our microbiome.
- Recreational drugs. A few recreational drugs, the plant medicines that indigenous people used infrequently to connect with spirit, can raise your frequency for a short period of time, but frequent use often has the opposite effect.
- Food. Many fresh, whole organic foods have a high frequency, but processed foods generally have a low frequency, and lower the frequency of your energy. Cluttering your physical body with sugar, nicotine, caffeine, drugs, alcohol, pesticides, preservatives, heavy foods, greasy foods, and so on, lowers your frequency. But even fresh organic produce can be toxic for the body, and if you want to learn more about this, read the book, Toxic Superfoods.
- Lack of exercise. Our bodies are meant to move; not moving lowers your frequency.
- Lack of sleep. It is hard to have a high frequency and high energy when you don’t get enough sleep.
- Lack of water and lack of electrolytes. Dehydration creates huge stress on the body, which lowers your frequency. Not replacing the electrolytes you might lose during exercise or in hot weather can also lower your energy and frequency.
- Negative environment. It is often hard to maintain a positive attitude when in a negative environment. We are affected both positively and negatively by others’ frequency.
What Raises Your Frequency?
- Most important is our Intent to learn. Our free will to choose our intent in any given moment is the most powerful choice we have. Choosing to learn about loving ourselves and others, rather than choosing to control, avoid, and protect against getting hurt, is the major way we have of raising our frequency. This is why, when we think positively from an intent to control, in an attempt to manifest what we want, we are often not successful, as anything done from the intent to control – even positive thinking – lowers the frequency.
- Positive thinking. This might seem like a contradiction to the statement I just made, but it’s about intent. When your intent in thinking positively is to be loving to yourself and support your highest good, this raises your frequency. When your intent in positive thinking is to control others and outcomes, then it lowers your frequency.
- Prayer. Prayers of gratitude and prayers for guidance raise our frequency.
- Meditation. Some forms of meditation, drumming, and chanting can raise your frequency, as well as smudging with sage and other herbs.
- Food. Fresh whole foods, free of toxins such as phytic acid that is in unsprouted grains, and free of too many oxalates that are in many common grains, fruits and vegetables such as spinach and quinoa, and that are in alignment with your metabolism, raise your frequency.
- Exercise. Exercise that you love and that makes you feel alive raises your frequency. Forcing yourself to do exercise that you don’t like lowers your frequency.
- Getting enough sleep. Sleep is vital for feeling good enough to be open to and connected with yourself, others, and your spiritual guidance. Being disconnected from ourselves lowers our frequency.
- Drinking enough water. Being fully hydrated is vital to keeping your frequency high.
- Being in a peaceful environment. Being in nature, listening to music, reading spiritual literature, playing with a loving pet, and being around loving and accepting people raises your frequency.
- Open to your imagination. Moving into creativity and imagining your higher guidance can raise your frequency. Our imagination is a great gift from spirit – a kind of direct line. Most creative people, people who write, paint, dance and so on, know that their ideas come through them rather than from them. They are opening to their imaginations and allowing spirit to come through them.
- Love, compassion and peace are the highest frequency feelings, so being kind and compassionate with yourself and others, which creates inner peace, raises your frequency.
Like does attract like, so focus on keeping your energy and frequency high and you will attract loving people into your life and manifest your dreams!
I invite you to heal your relationships with my 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.
And you can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from my recent books:
- Diet for Divine Connection: Beyond Junk Foods and Junk Thoughts to At-Will Spiritual Connection
- The Inner Bonding Workbook: Six Steps to Healing Yourself and Connecting With Your Divine Guidance
- 6 Steps to Total Self-Healing: The Inner Bonding Process
- And, How to Become Strong Enough to Love: Creating Loving Relationships Through the Six-Step Pathway of Inner Bonding
And we have so much to offer you at our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.
I’m sending you my love and my blessings.