S2 EP197 – Money Management Challenges

Transcription:

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. Part of being a loving adult is learning to manage your money in ways that create a sense of safety rather than anxiety and fear.

So what part of you is in charge of your money – your loving adult or your ego wounded self?

If you answer yes to any of the following questions, then your wounded self might be in charge of your money.

• Are you in major credit card debt and paying high interest on your debt?
• Do you use spending as an addictive way to self-soothe?
• Are you growing older with little, or no retirement set aside?
• Do you wonder where all your money goes, but have no way of finding out since you don’t keep track?
• Do you have lots of investments and plenty of income but are still anxious about money?
• Do you try to control your partner regarding money, even when there is plenty of money?
• Do you deprive yourself of vacations or other things you want, even when there is enough money?
• Is your identity or sense of worth attached to how much money you have?

Unless you were given the opportunity to learn to manage your money as a child or had parents who role-modeled good money management, there is a good possibility that your wounded self is in charge of your money. And the wounded self generally does not know how to manage money in a way that is loving to yourself. 

If money management causes a problem in your life, it may mean that your loving adult needs to learn how to manage it.

Lester is an interesting example of a man who manages his money from both his wounded self and his loving adult. Lester comes from an affluent family. Throughout his childhood, most of the talk was of making money. Both of his parents were highly successful in their own businesses, and they expected Lester to do the same. Lester did not disappoint them.

At 41, Lester started his third business, having sold his other two for large profits. He has enough money invested to never have to work again. Yet Lester is not a happy man. He is always anxious about money. The fights between him and his wife are mostly about money.

Lester consulted with me because of these fights. I worked with both him and his wife Anna with Inner Bonding, yet Lester refused to put his loving adult in charge when it came to his feelings about money. His loving adult was in charge when it came to making the money and investing it, but not in how he felt about it and how he treated Anna regarding money. To Lester, money is more important than kindness. His authoritarian wounded self wants to control it at all costs, even at the cost of his family. 

My client Cassie has the opposite issue from Lester.

Where Lester is frightened and tight with money, Cassie loves to help people with it. The problem is that she helps people so much that she forgets about herself and ends up putting herself in financial jeopardy. While it is wonderful that she is so generous, her loving adult needs to assess each situation and determine if she can actually afford to help someone. Instead, her permissive wounded self acts out impulsively, giving away money without thinking of the consequences.

Sam is a 56-year-old salesman who never grew up. He would rather watch sports on TV, ride his motorcycle, and play on his computer than work. Yet he can’t sleep at night due to his anxiety about money. He could easily make an adequate income with some effort, but he keeps himself in survival mode with a huge credit card debt. His fear of failure is so great that he refuses to put forth much effort. His wounded self is totally in charge.

If Sam put his loving adult in charge, he would tell himself that it is okay to fail – that it is better to fail than not try at all. He would make sure he earns enough money to pay off his credit card debt so he can sleep at night.

When our loving adult is in charge of our money, we make decisions based on our highest good, rather than from the fears or impulsiveness of wounded self.

Money issues can cause much stress. Financial self-abandonment generally falls into seven areas:

• Spending addictively, such as spending too much on things you don’t need and putting yourself into debt.
• Rigid spending limits, such as not allowing yourself to enjoy your money when money is abundant or trying to control others regarding money.
• Working too much or too little.
• Obsessing and worrying about finances even when you have plenty of money.
• Giving yourself up and caretaking others financially when they need to be taking care of themselves.
• Allowing yourself to be financially dependent when you could be earning money – other than disabilities, illness, or staying home with young children. But even people with disabilities or stay-at-home parents can find ways to earn money on the Internet or remotely.
• Keeping yourself in the dark by avoiding knowing about your financial situation.

You might want to ask your inner child, “How am I taking care of you – or not taking care of you – financially?” Breathe inside and let your inner child answer.

If you are not taking loving care of yourself financially, you can explore with your wounded self, asking your wounded self about what your fears and beliefs are that lead you to be resistant to taking financial responsibility.

How to you feel when you don’t take financial responsibility? How much stress are you causing yourself when you avoid financial responsibility?

As we saw with Lester, financial issues may not only be causing you stress, if you are in a relationship, money conflict might also be causing problems in your relationship.

For example, my friend Rita has complained to me about her husband Sam. Sam and Rita are multimillionaires. Sam is the president of a multinational corporation and Rita stayed home to raise their three children, who are all now adults. Having reached this place in life, one would think that Sam and Rita would be really enjoying their life and their financial freedom. But this is not the case. Sam is constantly anxious about money and even envious toward others who have even more than they have. Sam still tries to control how much money Rita spends, even though they have more money than they could possibly spend during the rest of their lives. The control issues around money cause frequent conflicts between Sam and Rita. To Sam, control over money is more important than kindness and caring toward his wife.

My clients, Millie and Harold, are also struggling with financial issues. While not rich, they are financially comfortable, but Millie is constantly worrying that there won’t be enough money and is often angry with Harold for not making more. The anxiety and power struggles over money keep Millie and Harold from feeling close and intimate with each other. This is what led them to consult me for help.

My client Rebecca, and her husband Jack, are also in conflict over money. Rebecca works hard on her home-based business yet barely brings in enough money to support them and their two children. She is frequently very resentful that Jack, who also has a home-based business, is not motivated to work hard. Rebecca ends up feeling anxious, put-upon, and angry in the face of Jack’s resistance to working. In fact, Rebecca is thinking of leaving Jack because of her frustration with his lack of motivation. Without him around, she would have one less mouth to feed.

There are two types of concerns regarding money that cause relationship problems:

• One is actual money concerns, such as in Rebecca’s situation, where there really isn’t enough money and one of the partners is not pulling his or her weight. In this case, the problem centers around resistance and lack of personal responsibility on the part of one partner.
• The other is fabricated money concerns, such as with Sam and Rita and Millie and Harold. In these situations, the anxiety and conflicts are coming from fear that is not based on reality. The obsession with money is causing power struggles and control issues that undermine the intimacy in the relationship. Money is more important than caring.

Money is certainly a concern in relationships where both people are working hard yet there is not enough money. However, this is not the situation that generally causes relationship problems. In this situation, both partners are on the same side, each supporting the other in dealing with the problems. There are no power struggles, just actual money concerns, which are sadly all too common in our society. Many people want to be financially responsible, and are, but just can’t earn enough money to support their families, often due to the greed of big corporations, with CEO’s receiving millions and workers unable to earn enough to support themselves.

In relationships such as Sam and Rita’s, the problems in the relationship are not really about money – they are about valuing money more than caring and compassion. Sam is a person who defines his worth by how much money he has, rather than by how caring a person he is. Like Scrooge in The Christmas Carol, money has become his God. His anxiety and resulting controlling behavior with Rita are not based on reality, but on his wounded ego’s desire for power and control.

If Sam shifted his thinking from fear to love, he might start to give his money away and receive great satisfaction from using his money to help others. He would certainly take pleasure in supporting Rita in doing the things that bring her joy. If love and compassion became more important than power and control, Sam and Rita would not have the relationship problems they have had for a long time.

While Millie and Harold are not wealthy, their problems are similar. Millie fabricates money scenarios that cause her great anxiety and then wants control over getting Harold to relieve her fears. In reality, their money situation is fine. If Millie learned to stay in the present instead of obsessing about the future, she and Harold could enjoy each other. Her focus on controlling the future is causing constant conflict in their relationship.

Then there are the conflicts based on resistance.

In Rebecca and Jack’s situation, Jack’s resistance to taking financial responsibility is causing Rebecca to have to work too hard. Jack is the kind of person who wants to be taken care of rather than be a responsible adult. His deepest motivation is to not be controlled – by Rebecca, by himself, or by society. His resistance keeps him immobilized and stuck in irresponsible behavior. Until caring about himself and others is more important to Jack than not being controlled, he will stay stuck in resistance. Unless Jack decides to become a more caring and responsible person, Rebecca can either accept him the way he is or leave the relationship. She cannot make Jack change, and the conflicts in the relationship are because she has not accepted her helplessness over making Jack be different.

Relationship conflicts over money get resolved when both people move out of control or resistance and into caring about themselves and each other. Partnerships based on caring and compassion support intimacy and joy, even when money is limited.

Sometimes, an adult who chooses to be financially irresponsible puts a huge burden on their family. I’ve worked with many clients who, afraid that their son or daughter or sibling would end up on the streets or kill themselves, kept giving money and put themselves in financial distress. If you are a parent or sibling in this position, you need to accept that your financially irresponsible relative doesn’t care about themselves or about you, and you might need to make the hard choice of taking financial loving care of yourself and allow your relative to suffer the consequences of their choices rather than deplete your own limited funds, or continuing caretaking the person when there is no hope for any change. The relative putting you in that position obviously has entitlement issues and doesn’t care about your well-being.

What does the term ‘responsibility’ bring up for you? Following are some of the things my clients have said to me regarding what taking personal responsibility means to them:

• Being burdened
• Having to do things right
• Not being able to have fun any more
• Being tied down and trapped
• Having to give myself up
• Things being my fault

No one would want personal responsibility if it meant these things! But this is NOT what it means to me. My clients are generally quite surprised when I share with them what it means to me. To me, personal responsibility is the freedom and personal power:

• To bring myself joy
• To compassionately manage my pain
• To open myself to learning
• To make my own choices
• To speak up for myself
• To choose my intent each moment
• To heal the past
• To be in the present moment
• To pursue my passions
• To manifest my gifts
• To be alone or be with others
• To come and go
• To change my mind
• To have fun

To me this applies to all areas of personal responsibility – emotional, physical, relational, spiritual, organizational, and of course, financial.

Obviously, for me, personal responsibility is about freedom and personal power – not about burden or being trapped or giving myself up or being at fault. It’s not at all about having to do things right or not having fun. I think back on my childhood when I often didn’t have the freedom or personal power to make my own choices, or to speak up for myself, or to pursue my passions and gifts, or to come and go according to my own wishes rather than my parents’ wishes. The day I finally realized that it was not only my right, but my responsibility to take care of myself was the day I started to feel free.

Because my parents were poor, I learned very early to take financial responsibility. I learned to earn money, count money, and save it from the time I was 3 years old, so that I would have the freedom to buy what I wanted. You are wrong if you think a three-year old can’t learn to take many forms of responsibility, including some financial responsibility.

It’s sad to me that ‘responsibility’ often carries with it a heavy, negative connotation. It’s sad that parents often link ‘responsibility’ with ‘fault.’ It is the wounded self who goes to the defensive position of fault rather than to the learning position of responsibility. To me, fault implies wrong or bad, whereas responsibility implies accountability. I like being accountable for my choices and for the consequences of my choices because this is where my learning and my freedom lie.

When we avoid taking emotional, physical, financial, relational, organizational, or spiritual responsibility, we create much unhappiness for ourselves, and we put ourselves in the position of being a victim. To me, taking personal responsibility in all these areas takes me out of being a victim and into personal power and emotional freedom.

Many people continue to resist taking personal responsibility in one or more of these areas, believing that personal responsibility limits them rather than enhancing their life. In fact, the opposite is true. For example, I eat extremely well, which means that I don’t indulge in sugared, processed food and factory-farmed foods. You might think I would feel limited by my food choices, but I don’t, because I love feeling great, having excellent health, and being able to have a high enough frequency to access my higher guidance, which would be very limited if I ate poorly. So, rather than viewing taking physical responsibility as a limitation, I see it as expanding my opportunities for freedom, personal power, and joy. It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.

Likewise, instead of feeling limited by taking responsibility to be organized regarding my time and space, my organization gives me the freedom to get everything done that I want to, and to also have time for fun and play and creativity, bringing balance into my life.

The same with financial responsibility. My inner child feels financially safe because she knows that not only am I organized enough to get everything I need to get done to be financially successful, but that because I eat so well, hopefully I will be able to continue to do the work I love my whole life. Because I love my work, retirement holds no draw for me, and this also makes my inner child feel safe.

How often have you felt anxious about having to face a challenging financial situation? Too often, we confuse the anxiety about situation itself with the anxiety from our inner child about whether or not you will show up as a loving adult to manage the situation. Are you convinced that your anxiety is more about what’s going to happen externally rather than internally?

More often than not, the anxiety is because your inner child doesn’t trust you as a loving adult to take loving care of yourself. The anxiety is about your inner child fearing that you will abandon yourself rather than take personal responsibility for yourself, and this can become especially challenging in financial situations.

This is the situation that Robyn finds herself in:

(quote)”How can I trust myself to take care of myself when I have such deeply ingrained habits of self-abandonment? Even though I hate to admit it, I’m still not sure I really want personal responsibility for my finances. I think I waffle on wanting that responsibility because I don’t trust myself to follow through. I want to change this, but so far I’ve gotten away with ignoring balancing my checkbook or even thinking about my finances – until I got overdrawn last week and it cost me money. And with the challenges in our economy and what happened during COVID, I’m not sure I’m doing as well as I thought I was. But I’m always scared to check on my bank account. I let my husband do it, but then I end up feeling controlled by him and dependent on him. I think it’s at least partly a self-trust issue. How can I change this pattern?”(unquote

Moving from financial self-abandonment to financial self-love can be a challenging journey for many people. As Robyn stated, the patterns of self-abandonment are so deeply engrained that, unless we are very conscious of our ability to make a choice to be loving ourselves, we will continue to fall back into old patterns.

Robyn asks, ‘How can I change this pattern?”

This is what the consistent practice of Inner Bonding is all about. The more you practice these six steps, the more you develop your personally responsible loving adult.

Are you one of those people I talked about earlier who believes that your happiness and sense of self-worth is about how much money you have? Which do you believe comes first, happiness or financial success?

Which statement do you believe is the most true?

•  Happiness can bring you financial success
• Financial success brings you happiness

You might be surprised to learn that research suggests the first statement to be the most true.

Again, which statement to you believe is the most true?

•  Happiness is a choice
• Happiness is the result of doing work you love
• Happiness is the result of having wonderful relationships

Again, the first statement proves be the most true. In fact, the other two are more the result of happiness rather than the cause of it!

Happy people tend to choose meaningful work and are more effective, productive, focused, creative and successful than unhappy people. Happy people also tend to create relationships that are far happier than those created by unhappy people.

If we are more financially successful and create healthier relationships when we are happy, the big question is: What creates happiness? 

Happy people think differently than unhappy people.

Our feelings of happiness or unhappiness come mostly from our thoughts, which come from our beliefs.

Which beliefs create the most happiness?

•  I am a victim of life and of others’ choices, or, I am responsible for my own feelings.
• I am alone and I will always be alone, or, I am never alone. I am always being loved and guided by spirit.
• I am basically unworthy and unlovable, or, I am a magnificent spark of the Divine.
• When I die, I die, or, my soul is eternal. When my body dies, my soul continues to learn and evolve.
• My happiness comes from having money, from being in a relationship, or from being married with children, or, my happiness comes from expressing love and compassion to myself and with others.
• We are separate, or, we are One.

The answers, of course, are obvious.

People who choose to see themselves as victims of their past, of circumstances, and of other people are unhappy people. People who choose to take responsibility for their own feelings of happiness and unhappiness are much happier than people who don’t.

Likewise, people who have no spiritual connection, who do not believe in a higher source of love, wisdom, and power, are far more unhappy and anxious than those people who turn to a higher power for love and guidance.

People who believe themselves to be their body and their ego, always feel unworthy and unlovable. People who know themselves to be their beautiful soul, feel worthy and lovable.

People who believe that this life is all there is are far more anxious, controlling and greedy than people who believe that this life is a moment in time of the eternal evolution of their soul.

People who believe that getting love, getting approval, or getting money is what makes them happy are far less happy than those people who know that choosing to learn to love themselves and share their love with others is what brings them joy.

A belief in separation – from each other and from our Divine source – leads to feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. When you know that each of us is a spark of the love that is God, you know that you are never alone.

Self-love is essential for happiness, and for enjoying whatever financial success you have.

When you choose to get to know and to love the Divine being that you are – the love that you are – you are living in truth. Happiness is the result of living in truth – the truth that you are a magnificent spark of the Divine, and that it is your responsibility to lovingly take care of the beautiful being that you are – by thinking and behaving in loving ways. When you see and love who you really are, you also see and love the Divine being within each individual.

This brings happiness and joy, which paves the way for financial success and healthy relationships.

If you enjoyed this podcast, I would really appreciate it if you tell your friends about it, and if you give it a review wherever you heard it.

I invite you to join me for my 30-Day at-home Course: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions, Relationships, and create personal responsibility for your life.”

And I invite you join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership.

And you can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from my recent books and from our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.