S2 EP209 – Do you Have a Sense of Belonging?

Transcription:

Hi everyone, Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. Today I’m talking about having a sense of belonging, or not having a sense of belonging. For some of us, having a sense of belonging has been elusive.

Even though I always had good friends both in school and outside of school, sometimes experiencing a deep sense of belonging was challenging. It took me many years to understand why. It wasn’t until I read “The Highly Sensitive person,” by Elaine Aron, that I understood why. I’m not only an introvert, I’m also a very highly sensitive person and there wasn’t one person in my family or group of friends who was highly sensitive. My friends were lovely caring people, but I always knew that I was very different than them, and it’s hard to have a deep sense of belonging with others when you are very different than everyone around you. I saw things in ways that no one else did, and felt things that no one else did, and at the time I didn’t know why. At the time, I just felt that there was something wrong with me.

I was an only child, so I never had a sense of belonging with siblings, and I was so different than my parents that I thought I had been adopted – which I wasn’t. I yearned for that feeling of belonging, and I had it for moments with two very special men who were friends of my parents, but I didn’t see them very often. When I think of them now, I can still remember the feeling of deep connection I had with each of them as a child.

As I’ve previously shared, I also had it with my paternal grandfather until I was 13 months old, and we moved away from our farm in upstate New York to Los Angeles. Even though I was so young, that very deep feeling of connection and belonging stayed with me my whole life, letting me know that a deep sense of belonging was possible. I just didn’t know how to find it. I desperately wanted to fit in, but I didn’t know that I first needed to have a deep sense of belonging within myself before I could attract into my life the kind of people who I felt that resonance and connection with.

Sometimes a lack of belonging can lead to disastrous results. There was a girl I knew in high school who ended up being bullied and ostracized by many of the students at my school. She was one of those different people, and mean people made fun of her and shut her out. I knew her primarily because my parents were friends with her parents. I was nice to her and included her as often as I could, but I don’t think I made a dent in the pain she was feeling.

Years later, I heard that she had died, along with her husband and two children, in the Jim Jones Peoples Temple Massacre in Jonestown. I think because she was so traumatized by such a deep lack of belonging in her teen years at school, she was vulnerable to being part of a cult. A cult gives people a sense of belonging. If you look around today, you can see that the people who are drawn to a cult are often people who have felt lost within themselves and lost in the world. They have very little sense of self, and they receive their identity from belonging to the cult.

One of the draws of a cult is being a part of a group of people in a like-minded community. When we lived in smaller communities, it was easier to feel a sense of belonging, even if you lived alone. We are not meant to live all alone. We are meant to live in caring communities with people to turn to for love and connection, and for help when we need it. Love, connection, and support are vital for our health, wellbeing, and a sense of belonging.

I work with many people who were traumatized by feeling very left out or bullied at school. School can be an awful experience for children who are introverts or who are different in any way. I was speaking with Dr. Erika about the issue of belonging and asking her about her school experience. She grew up on a farm and there was a big difference between farm kids and city kids, so she was badly bullied by the city kids until, in the 9^th grade, they found out she was incredible singer, and she became a star at her school. She could also play many different instruments, so music provided her with a sense of belonging.

I was fortunate that in Jr. high school, I had a very tight group of six friends. We did everything together and I did have a sense of belonging with my group. But, as I said, due to being the only highly sensitive person in the group and not understanding why I felt different than everyone, I always felt a bit outside the group. What’s interesting to me now is that, during COVID, one of the women from my Jr. High group contacted me to get together on Zoom. Many of these women remained friends because they stayed in the Los Angeles area, but I lost contact because I moved away. We’ve been meeting on Zoom monthly since then. I do have a sense of belonging with them because our roots go deep with each other and we all 84 years old, but again, I’m very different than they are in so many ways. I’m the only one who has been eating organic for the last 62 years, so I’m the only one who is still healthy. They share a lot about their knee replacements and other body replacements and other major health challenges. I’m the only one still working, and with a passion about my work.

They are loving and supportive and proud of me, and I’m grateful for them. Because I now understand my many differences from them, I have much more of a sense of belonging than I did as a young adolescent. I value my differences rather than thinking there is something wrong with me, which goes a long way to creating a sense of belonging. I had to learn to have the sense of belonging with myself before I could feel it with others.

When I was in high school, we had various clubs. I was a part of a couple of clubs, which gave me a sense of belonging, but there were many students who were left out of these clubs with no sense of belonging and I always felt sad about this. With my high sensitivity, I could feel the pain of feeling left out, and I always tried to include these left-out people.

My granddaughter goes to an alternative school where no one is left out because at her school, differences are valued. This is how school should be. Children should not be traumatized at school due to being left out and having no sense of belonging. The loneliness this causes can be devastating.

John Robbins, the heir to the Baskin-Robbins ice cream fortune, stated on the Coast to Coast radio show that one of the surprises of his research into cultures known for their longevity, was the importance of love and healthy relationships. Loneliness and negative interactions can depress the functioning of the body’s systems and lead to poor health, Robbins reported. (quote)”I believe that ultimately it is the love in our lives that underlies and makes possible our greatest healing and longevity.” (Unquote)

I have also heard that the number one killer in our society is not cancer or heart disease – it’s loneliness. This is not a surprise to me, as loneliness is often the underlying feeling that so many people attempt to avoid with their various addictions.

People in cultures known for their longevity generally do not live alone, and they have a deep sense of belonging to their community and their culture. Before modern civilization, people did not live alone. Our civilized way of life has led to the loneliness that is endemic in our society.

Without caring family, community, or friends to turn to, we lack the connection and belonging with others that we all need. However, in order to feel a sense of belonging with others, we first need to feel a deep feeling of belonging with ourselves.

We all need the feeling of inner connection that comes from practicing Inner Bonding and being tuned in to ourselves and to our personal source of spiritual guidance. We need the feeling of inner connection that comes from taking loving care of ourselves – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. But the goal of inner connection and inner belonging is not being alone. When we connect with ourselves and with our spiritual guidance, we fill ourselves with love, and we then want to share that love with others.

No matter how inwardly connected we are, we are not islands unto ourselves. We need others with whom to share our love and our joy. We need others to play with and learn with and grow with. And we need others to turn to in times of sadness and grief. Without this, we feel lonely and isolated.

Loneliness is one of the hardest feelings to feel. The feeling itself can be experienced as life threatening since we could have died as babies if we were left alone for too long. We can feel lonely in many different situations: when we are alone and have no one with whom to share love, when we are with people who are not open to connecting with us and with whom we don’t feel a sense of belonging, and when we are with people and we are not open to connecting with them.

The feeling of loneliness may be so painful that you turn to various addictions to avoid the feeling.

Many people do not even know that they are feeling lonely because they respond addictively so quickly. They the grab the food, the drink, the drug, the cigarette, turn on the TV, get busy, or get angry before they are aware of having a feeling, and then wonder why they cannot stop their addictions. Often people become addicted to a dysfunctional relationship and cannot leave for fear of the loneliness and disconnection. When people are not connected with themselves and their spiritual guidance, they may have a connection addiction, constantly pulling on others for the connection and sense of belonging they so desperately need.

Continual loneliness and the inner aloneness from inner disconnection, create much stress in the body, which leads to illness. In addition to proper nutrition and exercise, one reason certain cultures live long and healthy lives is that they have love and connection with others, and a sense of belonging, always available to them.

Do not discount the power and importance of inner and relationship connection, and a sense of belonging.

If you want optimal health, you need to take the actions on your own behalf to seek out loving and caring people and to do the Inner Bonding work necessary to become a loving and caring person with yourself and with others.

One of the reasons I created my bi-monthly Masterclass is to provide the sense of community we all need. In the community of our membership Masterclass, individuals receive the love, compassion, help, caring and support that they might not have anywhere else in their lives. While a virtual community isn’t the same as a physical community, it can provide a sense of connection and belonging that is often missing in our current society.

How often do you feel alone and empty inside, without a sense of belonging? And how often do you turn to some addictive behavior to avoid feeling these feelings?

Aloneness and inner emptiness are caused by a lack of love within, and this lack of love is the result of self-abandonment. This lack of inner belonging coming from self-abandonment can result in a lack of belonging externally.  When we don’t take loving care of ourselves, our inner child feels abandoned, alone and empty. When you disconnect from your feelings to avoid the pain, then you also can’t connect with others or with your spiritual source of love and comfort. Therefore, you might feel alone, lonely, and a lack of belonging when you do not take loving care of yourself – which is when you may turn to various addictive behaviors.

Sometimes, living alone can kill you. A study (quote)”followed nearly 45,000 people ages 45 and up who had heart disease or a high risk of developing the condition. Those who lived alone, the study found, were more likely to die from heart attacks, strokes, or other heart complications over a four-year period than people living with family or friends, or in some other communal arrangement.” (unquote) If you want to see the study, you can click on the link in the text. http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/18/health/mental-health/loneliness-isolation-health/index.html

In his best-selling book, “Outliers,” Malcolm Gladwell opens with a study done in a small Pennsylvania town called Roseto, where people never die of heart attacks – due to the closeness and connections within their community.

Some researchers, such as Dr. Bruce Lipton, author of “The Biology of Belief,” state that 90% of illness is stress related. Loneliness is a huge stress We are social beings – not meant to live alone. Yet our society is geared to create loneliness rather than connection and community.

While loneliness is a huge stress, there are also many challenges when it comes to living with others. Here is what I often hear from my clients:

“I’d rather live alone than live with a controlling person. And I can’t find anyone who is not needy and controlling.”

“Every time I get into a relationship, I end up feeling hurt in one way or another. This seems more stressful to me than living alone.”

“The pain of loss is too great. I’d rather not risk it.”

“I do fine alone, but as soon as I’m in a relationship, I give myself up.”

“Relationships are too hard and stressful. I’d rather be alone.”

So, what’s the answer?

Living alone and being lonely is stressful, and often living with someone else or others is also stressful.

The answer lies in being open to learning about loving yourself. If it is more loving to yourself and much less stressful for you to be alone, and loneliness is not a huge issue for you, then living alone may be in your highest good. But if loneliness is painful for you, then being open to learning about how to take loving care of yourself within relationships is likely what is loving to you.

Relationships offer an incredible arena for personal and spiritual growth. They trigger every unresolved and unhealed issue – fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of engulfment, fear of conflict, fear of intimacy. This is why relationships are stressful – they challenge us to deal with our deepest fears. And, in accepting this challenge, we learn and grow.

However, many people are just as lonely in a relationship as in being alone – if not even more so. When people choose to protect against their fears rather than learn from them, and when they choose to try to control others rather than learn to be loving to themselves and others, it can be very lonely for both partners. 

In the town of Roseto, mentioned earlier, the one thing that creates the lack of heart attacks is caring. In Roseto, the people care about each other. They look out for each other. They support each other and take care of those who need caregiving. They accept each other.

They don’t have heart attacks because they feel safe, and the sense of safety and belonging takes away the stress that causes illness. They know that they will never be on the streets starving. They know they will never be ill and left alone to fend for themselves. They have each other’s backs.

What would you give to know that the people around you, and in your community, have your back? And that you have theirs.

This caring about each other is what is missing in much of our society, both within our primary relationships and within our communities. Without this caring, we don’t feel safe and we don’t feel a sense of belonging. Even if we are good at taking care of ourselves, we still need to know that we are not alone – that others care enough to be there for us when we have the need.

How can we move toward creating caring communities? By being willing to do our own Inner Bonding work so that we can open our hearts to each other.

Long time Inner Bonding Certified Facilitator Nancy Swisher wrote a wonderful article called Belonging that is on our website. In the article, Nancy says, (quote)“Generally, when someone says they feel like they don’t belong, they are referring to something external, such as their family, their neighborhood, or a peer group at work or school. The feeling of not belonging, no matter where it comes from, is a very painful feeling. It can be debilitating. The latest scientific research shows that the feeling of not belonging, and isolation, is one of the biggest causes of stress in the body. We all need to feel like we belong. The feeling of belonging is an essential part of experiencing a full life.” (Unquote) 

Nancy goes on to say that in her work with people, she finds that (quote) “at the root of many issues is this sense of not belonging. Exploring your personal experience of belonging provides the potential for healing and aligning with your true self.” (Unquote)

She wrote about the two aspects of belonging, inner belonging, and outer belonging.

Inner belonging is what I refer to as creating your inner family, which is a profound connection and flow between your higher guidance, your loving adult, and your soul – which is your inner child. Nancy wrote, (quote: “Inner belonging cannot exist without the practice of self-love. They go hand in hand. When you love yourself, when you allow the love that you are to flow through you and from you, the feeling of belonging is always present.”(unquote)

Outer belonging is a sense of resonance and connection with others. Some people have a wonderful sense of belonging with their family of origin, while others don’t feel this resonance and connection with their family of origin. Some people feel a sense of belonging with a partner and children, while others don’t. Some people find their sense of belonging with friends, or with a particular group such as a 12 step group or with a religious or spiritual group, or with a group of like-minded people working for a common cause. When you feel a sense of belonging within yourself, it’s easier to find a sense of belonging with like-minded others. But if you are disconnected from yourself – abandoning yourself, that’s when you are vulnerable to finding a sense of belonging with a charismatic cult leader. 

Nancy goes on to say that, (quote) “One main difference between inner and outer belonging is that we have complete control over our experience of inner belonging, whereas the feeling of outer belonging is dependent upon circumstances. The other big difference is that inner belonging is primary; outer belonging is secondary.  By this, I mean that if you don’t take the time and space to cultivate a deep sense of belonging to yourself, to your Spirit as it flows from the larger Universal Field of Spirit, and to your body, then you will never feel the joy of external belonging either. You may feel it temporarily in certain situations, but it won’t last. You will have to keep finding new external sources for the feeling. But when you master the practice creating belonging from the inside, the external circumstances that create the outer belonging connection will show up.” (unquote)

The practice of Inner Bonding is a powerful practice for creating a deep sense of inner belonging. As you learn to access your spiritual guidance, develop your loving adult, and learn to see and value your true soul self, you create that inner flow of love that is essential for a feeling of belonging.

If you haven’t seen the Netflix series, The Blue Zones, I encourage you to see it. The Blue Zones are five places in the world where more people live to be over 100 than elsewhere in the world. In the series, Dan Beuttner, the author of the best-selling book, The Blue Zones,” takes us on his journey of discovering their secrets to a long and healthy life. We learn about the food they eat, and about the fact that they exercise in natural ways, such as walking, dancing, and doing everyday chores. But, like in Roseto that I spoke of earlier, the thing that most impressed me is the deep sense of belonging that the people in all these places have. They look out for each other, supporting each other physically and emotionally. They laugh and play together. Unlike the way so many of us live, no one is left out. They are happy, which says to me that they also have a sense of inner belonging that enables them to connect with each other in peaceful and joyous ways.

Inner and outer belonging go a long way toward creating health and longevity.

If your inner family isn’t strong and flowing, then I suggest you learn and practice Inner Bonding so you can create a deep sense of inner belonging, which can then lead to outer belonging and the sharing of love with those you resonate and connect with. Truly, there is nothing better than this.

I invite you join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership.

And I invite you to join me for my 30-Day at-home Course: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”

And you can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from my recent books and from our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.