S2 EP210 – Learning from Our Differences

Transcription:

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. Today I’m speaking about all the learning we can experience through our relationships in all areas of our life. We can do deep healing work regarding our fears and false beliefs, and we have so much to learn when we open to learning about our differences rather than judge them.

All of our issues come up in our relationships – our fears of engulfment, rejection, abandonment, of being wrong, embarrassed, or humiliated. Relationships bring up our deepest fears of loss of self and loss of other, which triggers our deep learned protections – anger, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, and compliance. And we can get deeply triggered by differences in race, religion, gender, sexuality, and values. We can either operate from fear and try to control and change each other, or we can learn and grow from our differences with each other.

While our dysfunctional patterns might emerge most clearly in primary relationships with a partner, these patterns are also activated in friendships, work relationships, and relationships with our parents, children, and other family members, as well as with people we don’t know who are very different than we are regarding race, religion, values, or sexual orientation. If you are not in a primary relationship with a partner, you can still learn from and evolve through all your relationships.

Every interaction we have with others is a reflection of our beliefs about ourselves, and we have the opportunity to learn from each difficult interaction. For example, if you believe you are inadequate, unlovable, not enough, or unimportant, you may tend to take personally others’ cold or judgmental behavior toward you, or you will be threatened by differences in interests, values, race, religion, or spirituality. When threatened, you may respond with anger, resentment, hurt, or withdrawal. Your painful feelings and reactive behavior can alert you to the fact that you need to explore your limiting beliefs about yourself.

If you know you are a caring and compassionate person, and your definition of your self-worth is based on who you are rather than on what you do, or on how you perform or how you look, then you will be much less likely to take other’s cold or judgmental behavior personally, or be threatened by difference in values, interests, races, religions, or gender diversity.

All our relationships and our reactions to them provide fertile ground for our personal and spiritual growth. If you are willing to notice all painful or threatening interactions and feelings, you can learn much about your false beliefs about yourself, about what you can and cannot control, and you can learn to move beyond judgments and into acceptance of differences. Your feelings such as anger, fear, or resentment are red flags that let you know it’s time to do an Inner Bonding process and explore the beliefs that are causing your difficult feelings. When you recognize that your feelings are coming from your own beliefs rather than from others, you are on the road to personal responsibility and the personal power that comes with that.

There is so much to learn about ourselves through our relationships.

Daniel Siegel, M.D., wrote in Mindsight, which is one of my favorite books, “We come to know our own minds through our interactions with others.”

I’ve often stated that relationships are the Ph.D. of personal growth – particularly our primary relationship with an intimate partner. Since we develop our most basic fears and beliefs in relationship to our parents, siblings, peers, teachers, and others in authority as we grow up, we need to be in relationship to others – especially primary others – to become aware of these fears and beliefs. It is our important relationships that most trigger our fears and false beliefs. 

Knowing your own mind is vitally important to being able to make loving choices on your own behalf and on behalf of others. Yet, far too often, we get stuck on automatic pilot, reacting from the programmed fears and beliefs of our wounded self rather than from our conscious choice. How do you generally react with people who believe differently than you do, or people of different races or religion or gender or sexuality, or people who are different politically or who have different values than you do? Are you interested in learning, or are you threatened and controlling?

When we operate from our ego wounded self, we are automatically and unconsciously choosing the intent to control something and to avoid something. We are operating from our lower mind in the limbic system – specifically in the amygdala. The problem is that we cannot be aware of this from our lower mind. Our lower mind isn’t capable of seeing and knowing itself. All violence and other forms of acting out regarding differences in race, gender, ethnicity, sexuality, religion, and politics comes from the controlling wounded self, located in the lower mind.

We can see and know our lower mind only from our higher mind, which is the part that operates from the prefrontal cortex. From this perspective, which is where the loving adult resides, we can know both our higher mind and our lower mind. We activate our loving adult when we consciously choose the intent to learn about loving ourselves and others, and about learning about our differences rather than being threatened by them.

Unless we were raised by warm, caring, attentive, connected parents who were attuned to their feelings and ours, and who knew how to help us regulate our feelings, we didn’t develop the necessary neural pathways in our prefrontal cortex.

However, as Daniel Siegel states in “Mindsight,” new research proves that our brains can develop these pathways at any age. This is called neuroplasticity and is really great news! This means that even if we were traumatized, abused, or neglected, or taught to hate people who are different than we are, we can heal. We can develop the neural pathways necessary to consciously choose to love ourselves and learn with others at any time. 

The practice of Inner Bonding develops these new neural pathways for the tolerant, accepting, open to learning loving adult.

The more you practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding, the stronger your loving adult becomes, and the easier it is to clearly see your own mind. With practice, you develop the ability to have conscious choice over your intent to either learn or control. It is this ability to have deliberate choice over your intent that moves you into your personal power and the ability to learn with people who are different than you.

Clients sometimes ask me if they should avoid people who push their buttons.

I’m sure you’ve had the experience of consistently being triggered by a certain kind of person. I certainly have. Before Inner Bonding, I tended to get irritated by people who pushed my buttons. Now, I know that these people are my best teachers.

Rosa is struggling with this issue:

(Quote)”Do certain people trigger our wounded selves while others do not? If I practice Inner Bonding long enough, could I become consistent in not being triggered? Should I avoid people who trigger me most intensely – like my lover?”(unquote)

Yes, certain people do trigger our wounded selves while others don’t. The practice of Inner Bonding helps you to learn from the triggers rather than avoiding the person or trying to control the other person in some way. It’s doubtful that you will ever reach a point of never being triggered – nor is this the goal. The goal is to embrace your feelings when your buttons are pushed so that you can continue to learn and grow.

Rather than avoid people who trigger you, embrace them as your teachers. I first learned this from a wonderful novel called “The Nine Faces of Christ,” by Eugene Whitworth. In this story, when Jesus leaves on a ship to journey and learn, there is a man who shows up on the ship named Scagus. Scagus follows Jesus everywhere and pushes every button he can to harass and annoy Jesus. Jesus doesn’t know why Scagus is always there and is often angry that he has to keep dealing with him. At some point we become aware that Scagus is an enlightened being and his job is to hone Jesus by triggering everything in him that is unhealed.

I appreciate the Scaguses in my life – they have been hugely instrumental in my growth and healing.

While you may enjoy being with people who don’t trigger you, your deepest learning and healing are with those who do – provided you open to learning about why you are being triggered.

This is not to say that you need to choose to be around people you don’t like and don’t feel connected with, but that’s very different from being triggered into your woundedness.

My client, Rosa, is in relationship with her partner for several reasons – one of which is to get triggered and do her Inner Bonding work to heal the triggers. How would she know what is unhealed unless those wounds are triggered? If she is alone, they likely don’t get triggered. If she is with people who don’t push her buttons, then they don’t get triggered. In fact, in romance, it’s often the people who trigger us most who also generate the most aliveness and passion.

Have you ever met someone who looked great in theory as a partner? You had a lot in common with them, you got along well – but there was no chemistry. People like this are great as friends – easy and relaxing to be with, but they don’t make good partners. We need chemistry to be partners, and sometimes the chemistry is there and so are the triggers because we have important things to learn with each other – provided we are both open to learning.

This is the key: to be open to learning about yourself and each other. When someone triggers you and one or both of you are not open to learning, then the deep learning that can occur through relationships may not occur. You can certainly do your own learning, but it’s likely that you will eventually move on if the other person isn’t also open to learning.

When two people are open to learning about their triggers, magical things can happen, both individually and within the relationship. Their connection deepens as each person owns their own triggers and does their Inner Bonding work to heal them.

I encourage you to welcome your triggers as wonderful opportunities to learn and grow!

There are many kinds of differences that can trigger wounded reactions. One of them is religious or spiritual differences.

Jacob and Robyn met and fell madly in love. Never mind that she was a religious Catholic and he was a religious Jew – they would work it out. Convinced that their love would find a way, they got married without ever exploring the problems that this could cause – especially regarding children.

When Jacob contacted me for help, they had three children, and their relationship was in deep trouble.

“I don’t mind that Robyn brings the children to Catholic services,” he told me, “but I want them to also be exposed to my tradition. I want the children to be able to choose what they want. But she gets furious at me for taking the children to synagogue and she’s turning them against me. I don’t know what to do.”

I asked Jacob if Robyn would join us in the next session, which she agreed to do. It soon became evident to me that these two were not going to work out their problems.

It’s not that the problems were not resolvable. There are many families who have the same kind of religious differences as Jacob and Robyn who work them out.

The problem was in how they were trying to work out their problems.

Neither Jacob nor Robyn had any intent to learn. As a result, their ‘in love’ feelings were long gone and most of what they did was fight. Both wanted to be in control and neither wanted to be controlled, so they were constantly in power struggles – not just over religion, but over everything concerning the kids.

If Jacob and Robyn each had their own highest good at heart, and the highest good of each other and their children, they could have worked through the problems. There was so much for each of them to learn and heal. But without an intent to learn, there was no way to do it. Robyn came to a second session, not to work on the relationship, but to announce that she was leaving Jacob. 

It’s a very good idea to get these kinds of issues settled before you get married.

No matter how in love you feel with someone, the love can easily get eroded when these kinds of issues come up. But sometimes you don’t know ahead of time.

When Allison and Norris got married, they were on the same page religiously and spiritually – both were atheists. However, five years into the relationship, Allison started on a search for something more. She attended therapy, joined a meditation group, read spiritual literature, and discovered Inner Bonding. Within a couple of years, she had developed a strong connection with her higher power. Inner Bonding and her spirituality became vitally important to her.

Much to Allison’s dismay, Norris showed no interest in understanding her spiritual path. In fact, he did the opposite – he ridiculed her, telling her that she needed to be in reality and stop using God as a crutch. He would even laugh at her in front of their two children.

Relationships can flourish even when people have very different spiritual belief systems – provided they value and support each other.

But when one partner denigrates the other for their religious or spiritual beliefs, the relationship generally doesn’t survive.

Again, the issue is whether both people have an intent to learn. Allison was open to understanding why Norris seemed so threatened by her spirituality, but Norris was completely closed to discussing it. He just wanted to control her.

Like Jacob and Robyn, their marriage ended in divorce.

But I want to emphasize that these issues CAN be resolved – when both people are open to learning about their differences, and to caring about themselves and each other.

When my ex-husband and I met 62 years ago, neither of us were on a spiritual path.

About eight years into the marriage, after our third child was born, I started searching. I knew something was missing from my life – some kind of inner peace and connection that I was yearning for – and I started my spiritual search. This caused problems in my marriage.

My husband was threatened by my searching and judged me harshly for what I was beginning to believe and experience. He would say things that implied I was weird and crazy for even entertaining the thought that there was something beyond my limited mind.

I tried hard to have control over his accepting me and my new path, and he tried hard to have control over my beliefs. This, of course, created many power struggles.

Was it the fact of his not being on the same path as me, or was it his judging my path that created the problems, and ultimately ended our 30-year marriage? I can say definitively that, for me, it was his judgment. Two people do not need to have the same beliefs and be on the same path to have a loving, healthy relationship, but they do need to be accepting of each other’s beliefs.  

This is the question that is being asked by Lola:

“What do you say if you have a partner that just can’t connect with you spiritually? Like he is very worldly and likes to engage in worldly talk, whereas you only feel deeply fulfilled sharing deep spiritual aspects of growth and life.”

Lola’s challenge is to fully accept that her partner is on a different path of life than she is. This doesn’t mean they can’t connect with each other. Hopefully, over time, she can learn to enjoy his worldly talk, and he might become open to some of her spiritual experiences. She may need to seek friends with whom to share her spiritual learning and growth. It is accepting, valuing, and learning from their differences that will enable their relationship to grow.

It might not be an easy path. The key here is whether the two of them are open to learning with each other. She will feel connected with her partner when both of them are open to learning about each other’s points of view and experiences. Both of them will evolve and grow when they are both open to learning. They might never come together regarding their beliefs, but this is not what’s important. What’s important is to continue to learn from each other and to respect their differences. 

Sometimes people confuse being on a spiritual path and having spiritual discussions with what spirituality really is.

Spirituality is about love – about being loving with yourself and others. Your partner does not have to have a declared spiritual belief system, or be interested in discussing spirituality, to be a loving person. I know numerous loving people who never give a thought to spiritual concepts. They are just naturally good, kind people, and are open to learning. This is way more vital to creating a loving relationship than having a particular spiritual belief system. In fact, some people who think they are on a spiritual path are not open to learning!

Had my husband been open to learning with me, things would have been very different. I didn’t need him to share my beliefs or my path, but I did need him to be accepting. It’s being open to learning with each other that leads to learning from each other’s differences and creates connection and intimacy – not necessarily sharing the particular path you are each on. It’s being closed and judgmental that creates problems.

I suggest that Lola shift her focus from whether or not her partner is interested in spirituality, to whether or not they are both open to learning. That’s what’s important.

A common problem in relationships is differences regarding sexual needs and sexual desires. Again, this is fertile ground for learning from the differences, provided both partners are open to learning from the differences.

My clients, Michael and Sharon, had been married for 12 years when Michael consulted with me regarding the sexual problems they were having.

“I seem to always want sex and Sharon never seems to want sex. This has been causing a problem in our relationship for the whole time we have been married,” he told me.

“So this was a problem from the very beginning of the relationship?” I asked him.

“Yes. Neither of us had much sexual experience before meeting each other. We both thought it would get better in time, but it hasn’t. And it is causing a lot of conflict,” he said.

As Michael and I explored what was going on in their relationship, it became apparent that there were two aspects to this problem:

1. First, Michael was sexually addicted. That is, he used sex as a way to take away feelings of anxiety, inadequacy, emptiness, loneliness, fear, and stress. He came to Sharon as needy little boy, which Sharon did not find at all erotic. Sex had become a control issue for Michael. 
2. Second, Sharon had a very low sex drive. She never thought about sex, never felt any sexual desire, and could very well live her life without sex. Michael was quite sure that Sharon had never had an orgasm – at least not with him.

The combination of these two issues was creating a very big problem for Michael and Sharon. There was much for both of them to learn.

Michael and I worked on his neediness, his sexual addiction, and his wanting control over Sharon having sex with him. He worked hard to learn how to fill himself up and take loving care of himself, so that he was not needy and controlling when he was with Sharon. Michael began to feel much happier, and he and Sharon started to feel more emotionally intimate
 
However, their sex life was still almost non-existent.

Sharon felt slightly inclined toward sex once a month, but even then, it was not something she sought out. I suggested to Michael that it was time for Sharon to be involved in our sessions – if she was willing.

Sharon was willing. She had been feeling badly about her lack of sexual desire for a long time – mainly because she loved Michael and wanted him to be happy. She felt closer to him now that he was no longer pulling on her with his neediness, and she wanted to have more desire for sex.

I worked with Sharon on two levels – physical and emotional.

On the physical level, I asked her to get her hormones tested. It turned out that there was a hormonal imbalance contributing to her low sex drive, and she found natural remedies to deal with this.

Sharon had grown up in a sexually repressed household. In her mind, sex was not something that a “good” girl desired or enjoyed. She was never allowed to touch herself and had never learned to reach orgasm by herself. Between the reading I suggested to her and the work we did in sessions, Sharon was able to overcome the fears and beliefs that she grew up with, and finally learned to reach orgasm. This made a big difference in her desire to have sex with Michael.

Sharon now finds herself desiring sex around once a week and is able to enjoy sex with Michael at other times as well. Because Michael is no longer needy and controlling with Sharon, she is no longer resistant. While there will always be a difference between Michael’s desire for sex and Sharon’s – as there is with many couples – they have found a comfortable balance that works for both of them because they were both open to learning about their differences.

One of the wonderful things about relationships is that we get to spend time with someone who may have qualities that we lack. Yet this is also one of the greatest challenges in relationships.

Amanda and Emma have been married for 5 years – a second marriage for both of them. Amanda has many passions. She loves to travel, and she loves to work hard. She is a busy woman. Emma loves to be home, to nest, to be with their children and grandchildren.

Amanda and Emma were originally attracted to each other because they valued these qualities in each other. People who have these differences are often attracted to each other, which is a good thing. If both were always as busy as Amanda, they might never spend time together. If both were just homebodies, the relationship might lack passion. Yet it is these differences that also cause conflict in their relationship.

One of the major conflicts is that Emma wants more time with Amanda. As a result, she often tries to get the time with her through some form of controlling behavior – getting angry, crying, or criticizing. While Amanda loves Emma and wants to spend time with her, she tends to get resistant when someone is trying to control her. So instead of coming home from work earlier to spend time with Emma, she gets even busier. They often end up in a negative protective circle, with Emma pulling and Amanda resisting. If she does give in, she ends up feeling resentful.

Even when Amanda wants some time off to replenish and spend with Emma, conflict arises. Amanda wants to fly somewhere beautiful, while Emma would much rather stay home with her and spend time alone with her and with family.

Amanda and Emma love each other and have been able to maintain the spark in their relationship. Yet they are not happy with their frequent arguments, which is why they consulted with me.

Resolving their conflicts means that each of them needs to accept that they truly are very different, and that it is these differences that create the spark in their relationship. Instead of trying to change each other, which is what they do in their arguments, they need to accept and value their differences. This means that Emma needs to accept and support Amanda in her many passions instead of criticizing her for being too busy and getting upset whenever she acquires a new passion. It means that Amanda needs to accept and value that Emma needs time with her alone and with family and adjust her schedule to meet this need. Instead of being in a power struggle with Emma pulling and Amanda resisting or giving in and then resenting Emma, both need to care about what is important to the other person.

If Emma cared about Amanda’s need to fully express himself in many ways, she would stop waiting for her to be with her and develop her own interests. If Amanda cared about Emma’s need to fully express herself within her important relationships, she would make sure she had enough time with her and their families. If Amanda felt fully supported by Emma, she would feel more compelled to spend time with her. If Emma felt fully supported by Amanda, she would not feel a need to control her. Each would get more of what they want by caring about each other rather than controlling and resisting.

As Amanda and Emma came to understand and appreciate their differences, their conflicts gradually resolved.

Imagine how wonderful our world would be if we accepted and welcomed our differences and learned from them rather than fought over them!

I invite you join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership.

I invite you to heal your relationships with my 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.

And you can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from my recent books and from our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.