S2 EP325 – Relationships – How One Person Changing Can Change the Whole System

Hi everyone and welcome back to the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’m Dr. Margaret Paul and today’s episode is about how when one partner does their inner work and changes their end of their relationship system, the whole system can change for the better. You might want to stay to the end because I’ll be sharing how you can learn more about healing your end of your relationship system. 

Many people don’t realize when they are struggling with a partner, a family member, or even a colleague that when one person truly changes, the entire relationship system changes. 

Many people believe that both people have to change at the same time for things to improve.

They think: “If only my partner would just communicate better…” or “If only they would stop being defensive…” or “If only they would listen better or work on themselves, then things would get better.”

But what you might not realize is that relationships operate as systems, and in any system, when one part changes, the whole system must shift.

This is very important to understand because it means you have far more power than you may think.

Many clients seek my help because they are thinking of leaving their marriage. Of course if there is physical or emotional abuse, I do all I can to support them in leaving. But most of the people in a relationship who work with me want to leave because their relationship is conflicted or disconnected. When this is the case, I encourage them to stay and working on healing their end of the system. This will give them the information they need to know whether to stay or to leave.

Most of the time, with the people I work with, when one partner learns to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs and stops their overt or convert forms of control, the relationship gets better, but sometimes, it gets worse. If you do your inner work and your partner doesn’t step and do their inner work, then you have the information you need to leave if that is what you want. And you’ve done your inner work so that you don’t take your overt or covert controlling behavior with you into another relationship. 

Every relationship develops a system. Some systems are healthy and others are dysfunctional. A healthy system is based on each person taking responsibility for their own feelings and being open to learning with each other. This system is based on the intention to be loving to yourself and each other.

A dysfunctional system is based on the intention to control.  For example:

• One partner pursues… the other withdraws.
• One partner criticizes… the other defends.
• One partner is angry… the other is resistant.
• One partner shuts down… the other escalates.
• One partner over-gives… the other becomes demanding.

We learned our various ways of trying to control as we were growing up, and we each bring these controlling and avoidant patterns from our wounded self into our adult relationships.

You say or do something, and your partner reacts. Then you react to their reaction, and before you know it, you’re in the same painful cycle again. What’s important to understand is that this cycle is co-created. Even if one person’s behavior seems more problematic, both people are participating in the system. And because it’s a system, if one person changes their own controlling and reactive behaviors, the system can no longer continue in the same way.

Many people feel stuck in relationships because they focus on trying to change the other person. They explain, argue, and criticize. They comply, withdraw, resist, plead, doing all they can to convince the other person to change, and when none of this works, they feel angry and powerless.

But all of these responses are still part of the existing controlling system. Real change happens when someone practices shifting their intention to loving themselves rather than changing their partner. 
 
 Changing the system does not mean manipulating your partner. It doesn’t mean trying to get a different reaction. And it certainly does not mean becoming compliant or self-sacrificing.

Real change occurs when you shift your intention from controlling to learning about loving yourself and loving your partner. 

And this is why I created my 30-Day video course, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love. If you’re looking to heal your relationships, this course will be a great help to you. You can learn more in the description below.

When you shift your intention to learning about love, you become curious about yourself and the other person – about you own false beliefs that are leading to your self-abandoning and controlling behavior. You are compassionate with both yourself and your partner for the choices you’ve made that are causing the problems. You learn from your own feelings about how you are treating yourself that may be causing your pain, rather than blaming your partner for your feelings.

And with your change in intention from controlling to learning about love and truth, the system begins to change.
 
 Let’s look at a common example.

One partner criticizes, saying things like:

“Why didn’t you call me?”
 “You never listen.”
 “You’re always late.”

The other partner becomes defensive.
 
 “I just forgot – what’s the big deal?”
 “That’s not true.”
 “You’re exaggerating.”

Then the first partner escalates and the cycle continues.

Now imagine what happens if the first partner changes from controlling to learning.

Instead of attacking and blaming, they say with caring and curiosity:

“There must be a good reason you didn’t call me. Can we talk about this?” Right then, the system is interrupted.

Sometimes the other person softens. Sometimes they become confused. Sometimes they escalate for a moment to try to control, but if you remain open and curious, or lovingly disengage saying you will be back in 20 minutes to see if you can talk with each openly, the system cannot remain the same.

However, the key here is authenticity. You cannot change the system by using new behaviors or more subtle behaviors as other forms of control.

For example, if you say something compassionately but secretly hope it will manipulate your partner into changing, the underlying energy of control is still there. And the system usually stays the same. Real change happens when the shift is internal. When you truly move from “How do I get them to change?” to “What can I learn about myself and my partner in this moment?” 

It’s the practice of Inner Bonding that develops the loving adult who is capable of opening to learning and wants to evolve in your ability to love.

When one person begins taking responsibility for their own feelings instead of blaming their partner, the energy between you can open. You just might feel connected with each other instead of combative.

Instead of feeling angry or victimized, you learn to not take your partner’s wounded self personally. You are able to stay present, bringing kindness to yourself and your partner rather than reverting to any of your controlling behaviors.

This doesn’t mean tolerating unloving behavior. It means responding from your loving adult, rather than from your wounded self, which might mean opening to learning or lovingly disengaging until both of you are open.

There are three ways one person can change the system: One is changing your intention, which is a moment by moment choice. Before responding in a difficult moment, you might want to practice pausing and asking yourself,  “Am I trying to control, or am I open to learning?” Just that question can move you out of reactivity and into being open in the present moment.

Another major way to change the system is instead of blaming your partner for your emotions, take responsibility for them. This removes blame from the system and opens space for connection.

Finally, also essential for changing the system is bringing empathy and compassion rather than judgment to the challenging moment. This dramatically changes the climate of the relationship because compassion is disarming and therefore interrupts conflict patterns.

Most of the time, with the individuals I work with, when one partner changes their end of the system, the relationship improves because they may feel safer and they become more open. But sometimes the relationship gets worse. So what if the other person doesn’t change or gets even more controlling?

If, after continuing to choose to take loving care of yourself rather than trying to control or change your partner, your partner refused to learn and grow, then you have a decision to make. Either fully accept the relationship as it is and continue to take responsibility for your own feelings, or leave the relationship. But if you stay, you need to give up hope of your partner changing. Sometimes your own growth leads to deeper intimacy, but sometimes it reveals that the relationship isn’t going grow. Either way, you grow, and if you do decide to leave, you won’t be taking your baggage with you.

Right now, bring your awareness to a relationship that feels challenging. Notice the cycle that tends to happen. What is the pattern between you, and what is your usual role in this system? Do you pursue, withdraw, get angry and blaming, defend, explain, teach and try to fix, give yourself up and comply? See if you can notice what you do without judging yourself for it. You can’t learn when you judge. Just notice that this controlling behavior isn’t working and in fact is causing you problems. Notice that your wounded self is quite devoted to trying to control feeling safe or avoiding pain, but that your reactions are actually causing more pain and lack of feeling safe. 

Now imagine being aware that your intention is to control, which activates your wounded self, and changing your mind, instead choosing the intent to learn about love, which activates your loving adult. Now imagine your higher guidance, whatever that is for you, and ask, “What would love do here?”

Feel the shift that happens when your intention moves from controlling the other person to caring about yourself and the relationship, and know that even a small shift inside you can begin to change the system.

The bottom line is that healthy relationships are not created by getting the other person to change. They are created when we change our own consciousness by consciously changing our intention.

When one person moves from fear to love, from blame to responsibility, and from control to learning, the entire system may begin to heal. You might be surprised by how much influence you truly have, because the most powerful change in any relationship always begins within.

We’ve all been deeply programmed to control so it can be challenging to become aware of the layers of our controlling behavior, especially our more subtle forms of control, such as caretaking – which is very different than caring – or being overly nice, or asking questions with what looks like an intent to learn but has an agenda attached, which means that the question is a form of control. But if you are honest with yourself, you will gradually heal the false beliefs fueling your controlling behavior and become more loving to yourself and to your partner or others. That’s when you will know whether your relationships can become more connected.

It takes courage to be honest with yourself about your overt and covert controlling behavior, but the rewards of the intention to learn to love yourself and share your love with others are great!

Remember, small inner shifts often create profound outer changes.

If today’s episode resonated with you and you’re ready to heal your relationships, I invite you to check out Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love. It’s designed for both individuals and couples and helps you with all your relationships. You’ll find the link in the description.

Thank you for joining me today and I’ll see you in the next episode.”
 
 I’m sending you my love and my blessings on your healing journey.