S2 EP329 – The High Cost of Holding Grudges

Hello everyone and welcome back to the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’m Dr. Margaret Paul and today’s episode is about something that many people carry – often for years and sometimes for a lifetime, which is holding grudges. I will be speaking about the cost of this on your life, why we do it, and how to let them go. Be sure to stay to the end because I’ll be sharing how you can access the inner work necessary to let go of grudges.

You might think of a grudge as remembering what happened, protecting yourself, staying cautious, or not wanting to be hurt again. But underneath all of that, there may be unresolved pain.

A grudge is not just remembering something painful. It’s not just acknowledging that someone hurt you. A grudge is holding onto resentment with an intention to control.

It often includes thoughts like, “I can never trust them again,” or “They don’t deserve my openness or my forgiveness,” or “Life isn’t fair.” And underneath that, there is usually hurt, a sense of betrayal, feeling rejected, or the deep pain of loss.

The following experience of loss touched me deeply because of how this amazing woman managed such a huge loss without any resentment or grudges.

In 2011 Actress Susan Saint James, in a TV interview after a terrible plane crash that claimed the life of her 14 year old son Teddy, and seriously injured her husband, NBC Sports Chairman Dick Ebersol, and her other son Charles, made the following brilliant statement: “Resentment is like taking poison and then expecting the other person to die.” Even in the face of her great loss, she was not angry, blaming, or resentful toward the pilot or the airline for whatever caused the plane to crash, which might have been because the plane wasn’t deiced before takeoff.

When we hold grudges and resentment, we are “off the mark.” The literal biblical translation of the word “sin” is “off the mark.” When our thinking and behavior are off the mark, we are “sinning” because we are not in truth. God is truth, love, peace, and joy, so when we are not in love and truth, we are off the mark. Being off the mark in our thinking results in negativity – in anger, fear, anxiety, depression, resentment, blame, and grudges. Grudges are harmful to the soul, like a “sin” against ourselves.

Our ego wounded self – which originates in the mind and is the part of us that wants control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe – constantly makes up thoughts that are off the mark. The ego is incapable of knowing what is true and what is not. It thinks it is wise and knowing, but in reality, it is always “off the mark.” All the thoughts that come from the ego wounded self are based on the desire for control over others and outcomes. The desire to control is the opposite of the desire to love and be in truth and is therefore off the mark.

Truth does not originate in the mind. Truth comes into the mind from spirit when we are open to learning about love and truth. Truth never creates resentment and the resulting grudges.

Anger, resentment, anxiety, depression – these feelings are signals that you are not in truth, that you are allowing your ego wounded self to have dominion over your soul. When you practice Inner Bonding and open your heart to learning the truth and learning what is loving to yourself and to others, you will move out of the negative feelings and into the peace that come from being in truth, even in the face of heartbreak and grief. Even in her grief, Susan Saint James’s face was filled with the light of truth. There was no darkness in her being as she shared her experience, and through her courage, love, and faith, she gave us a great gift.

Grudges, resentment, and blame are indeed poisons to the soul. They are far more harmful to you than to anyone else. Our ego wounded self believes that if we hold a grudge, blaming and resenting someone or God, we can somehow have control over that person or over the outcome of things, or over not feeling the heartbreak, grief, and helplessness over the situation. But what the grudge really does is pull us into the darkness of seeing ourselves as a victim.

It’s very helpful to think of a grudge and resentment as poisoning yourself while expecting the other to somehow be hurt by it. If you can think of grudges, anger, blame, and resentment as poisons to the soul, perhaps this will make it easier to release these dark feelings.

Grudges, anger, blame, and resentment are the result of your thoughts and false beliefs. For example, if you have the thought, as Susan could have had, “God is punishing me,” you will likely see yourself as a victim and feel angry and resentful. But having this thought or belief does not make it a reality. The resulting resentment is actually your inner guidance’s way of letting you know that you are off track in your thinking. You are off the mark. Thoughts that cause grudges and resentment are thoughts that are being made up by the wounded self. They are not based on truth. The truth never causes these feelings. The truth can certainly cause heartbreak, helplessness, and grief, such as the reality that Susan’s son is gone. But grudges and resentment are not the same as heartbreak and grief. Grudges are the result of blaming someone or something.

I work with many clients who hold grudges toward their partner for having an affair, or for leaving them. Holding the grudge keeps them from healing and moving on in their lives. Most of them say things like, “I can’t allow him to get away with hurting me like this.” But of course they have no control over the person getting away with it, and holding on to that keeps them stuck. As Susan Saint James so brilliantly said, “Resentment is like taking poison and then expecting the other person to die.”

Before I move on, this is why I created my 30-Day Love Yourself video course. If you’re looking to shift from holding grudges to loving yourself, this will be life-changing for you. You can learn more in the description below.”

We don’t hold grudges because we’re unkind. We hold grudges because something hurt us and we don’t want to feel that pain again. So the wounded self believes that you can protect yourself from future pain by staying guarded, keeping your distance, and holding blame. To the wounded self, holding a grudge feels like it’s protecting you. But is it actually protecting you, or is it costing you more than you realize?

One of the deepest costs of holding grudges is that it closes your heart. When you hold resentment, your heart naturally contracts. You become shut down, closed up, and untrusting of yourself, others, and your higher guidance. A grudge not only shuts you down to the person or situation you resent, but often with others we well, and even with yourself, because the energy of resentment is not selective. It affects your entire being.

Holding a grudge keeps you emotionally tied to the past. You might replay what happened and rehearse conversations with the person you resent, feeling the anger and hurt again and again. Your nervous system stays activated, even if the event happened years ago. In this way, the past is not actually over. It’s being recreated internally and this robs you of energy and keeps you in a low frequency with no chance of joy.

Grudges don’t stay contained. They affect how you show up with others. You may withdraw, become critical, expect betrayal, avoid vulnerability, and hold back love. And this can create distance not only in your current relationships, but in future relationships as well, because when your heart is guarded, connection isn’t possible.

As I hope you know by now, in Inner Bonding there are only two possible intentions to choose from – the intention to control getting love and avoiding pain, and the intention to learn about loving yourself and others.

Holding a grudge comes from the intention to control.

We may hold onto resentment in an attempt to control our feelings, control future outcomes, protect ourselves from vulnerability, and avoid experiencing more pain. But this form of control comes at a big cost – it is a form of self-abandonment.

This may not be obvious at first, but let’s look more closely. When you hold a grudge, you are often focusing on the other person rather than taking loving care of your own feelings. You are blaming them and waiting for them to change or make it right in order to move on with your life, which keeps you stuck.
 
 Your own feelings – the hurt, the sadness, the fear – are not be being attended to when your focus is on the other person or the situation. Your inner child may still be carrying that pain. Still waiting for you to show up. Instead of caring for yourself, you stay focused on the other person, and this is a form of self-neglect.

Grudges often sit on top of deeper feelings. If you compassionately look underneath resentment, you will likely find grief, heartbreak, loneliness, and feelings of helplessness over the situation. Your inner child needs compassion for these feelings, not a grudge toward the other person or the situation. But as long as the focus stays on blame, these deeper feelings remain stuck and unhealed.

But why does letting go feel so hard? Many people say: “I know I should let it go, but I can’t.” And this is understandable, because letting go can feel like giving in to the other person and letting them get away with their unloving behavior. You might be afraid if you let go of your grudge, you are saying that what happened was okay. You might feel too unprotected and vulnerable.

But letting go of a grudge is not about approving of what happened. It’s about freeing yourself from the ongoing cost of your intent to control.

Shifting from blame to responsibility is where practicing Inner Bonding becomes transformative. Instead of asking, “How do I get them to make this right?” We begin asking, “How can I take loving care of myself in the face of what happened?” This is the shift from control to responsibility.

Healing does not require the other person to change, and it doesn’t require an apology or closure from them. Healing happens when you open to learning about any part you played in the situation, and open to your pain with a compassionate intent to learn about what your inner child needs to feel loved by you, and consistently taking loving action for yourself.
 
 Loving actions might mean doing the Inner Bonding 3-Step anger process to take more accountability for your actions. It might include setting a boundary with someone, limiting contact with someone, speaking your truth without blame or judgment, bringing much compassion to your grief, heartbreak, and helplessness over the person or circumstance, seeking support from friends and from therapy, or choosing not to engage in harmful dynamics with the person.

Loving action restores your sense of personal power.

Ultimately, you may want to reach forgiveness, but forgiveness is often misunderstood. It’s not condoning unloving, hurtful behavior, or forgetting what happened, or staying in an unhealthy relationship. True forgiveness is releasing the hold that resentment has on you. It is something you do for yourself.

Let’s try a short process here. Take a deep breath and bring to your awareness someone you are holding a grudge against. What do you feel? Anger? Anxiety? Depression? Inner emptiness? Stress? Tight stomach?

Now ask yourself, “What am I feeling underneath this resentment?” See if you can connect with the deeper feelings of heartbreak, loneliness, grief, and helplessness over the person or situation.

Now imagine your inner child – the part of you that is hurting. Move toward the feelings with compassion rather than away from them.

Now activate your loving adult by opening to learning and inviting the love and compassion of your higher self into your heart. Gently say to your inner child, “I see how much this hurt you and I’m here with you. You’re not alone. And spirit is here with us – we are not alone,” letting your inner child feel your presence.

Now ask your higher guidance, “What does my inner child need from to feel safe and feel loved by me?” Listen, staying open to learning and either take a loving action, such as holding your inner child as you would hold an actual hurting child, or imagine taking a loving action, such speaking your truth without blame or judgment. This is how healing begins.

When you release a grudge, something shifts. Your heart begins to open. Your energy returns. Your nervous system settles. You feel lighter. Not because what happened didn’t matter, but because you are no longer carrying it in the same way.

So right now, you might gently ask yourself, “Is holding onto this serving me or costing me?” And “What would it look like to care for myself in relation to this?” Just begin with awareness and a step toward love.

If today’s episode was helpful to you and you’re ready to heal from a grudge, I invite you to check out my 30-Day Love Yourself video course. It’s designed for anyone who wants to learn to love yourself and it teaches you the Inner Bonding process. You’ll find the link in the description.

Thank you for joining me today, and I’ll see you in the next episode. And thank you for your willingness to look within, to feel and to heal.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings on your healing journey.