S2 EP331 – Living Someone Else’s Dream

Hi everyone and welcome back to the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’m Dr. Margaret Paul and today’s episode is about something I frequently explore with my clients, which that they are living someone else’s dream. Be sure to stay to the end because I’ll be sharing how you can learn more about tuning into your own dream and having the vitality to follow through on your passion and purpose.

Many people come to me feeling empty, disconnected, even when successful on the outside, but deeply unfulfilled on the inside. They say things like: “I’ve done everything I was supposed to do, so why don’t I feel happy?” or “I have a good life, but something is missing,” or “I don’t even know what I want anymore.”

As we explore it becomes apparent that they’ve been living someone else’s dream. Maybe they became a doctor because their father was a doctor and it was expected. One of my clients, who’s father was a well-known doctor, really wanted to be a writer but chose medicine because it was expected of him. When he consulted with me, he was depressed, and soon realized that he needed to express himself in writing. He cut back a bit on his medical practice to give himself time to write and is much happier. His first book got published and he’s working on his second. He has finally integrated his own dream into his life.

Cherie consulted with me because she wasn’t at all fulfilled in her work as an attorney. Her father was a litigator, and she followed in his footsteps because she was expected to join him in his office.

Cherie wanted to help people, but hated litigation. She decided to take a course in meditation and is happily working with divorcing couples as a mediator, living her own dream rather than her father’s dream.

So are you living your own dream or someone else’s dream? Are you living one of your parents’ dreams, or a partner’s expectations, or what society said you should be doing to be successful, or even living from a false belief regarding who your wounded self thinks you should be? If you are, are you aware of an emptiness inside – a feeling that something is missing?

Living someone else’s dream doesn’t always look obvious. It’s not just doing something you dislike. In fact, you may be very successful, responsible, admired, and doing everything ‘right,’ yet you feel disconnected from yourself and from fulfillment and joy.

Living someone else’s dream means that your choice of profession or lifestyle was driven more by a desire for approval than from what is authentically exciting for you and gives you a deep sense of purpose. When living someone else’s dream, you’re guided by ‘shoulds’ rather than your inner truth. And you might have lost touch with what makes you feel alive.

Did you choose a career to please your parents? Are you staying in a relationship because it looks good or feels expected, or you’re afraid of your family’s judgment? Are you following a path because it feels “safe” rather than meaningful? Are you spending your time prioritizing others’ needs while ignoring your own? Are you aware that you are not living according to your own desire to express yourself because this feels normal? But how do you actually feel in not taking loving actions regarding your own dreams?

At the heart of this issue is the same core choice we always talk about in Inner Bonding – the choice between the intent to control and the intent to learn about loving yourself.

When you are living someone else’s dream, you are likely operating from the intent to control. You may be trying to control others’ approval or avoid rejection or disapproval. You might be trying to avoid conflict or feel safe through a sense of belonging to your family.

This makes sense on the level of your ego wounded self, who wants control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe. Your wounded self might be operating from some false beliefs, such as if you don’t meet expectations or you disappoint others, you’ll be rejected, or that if you follow your own path, something bad will happen.

So instead of asking what feels true and right to you, you’re doing what you believe makes you acceptable. But when you are not listening to yourself and taking loving actions on what has heart and meaning for you, you are abandoning yourself to try to control how others feel about you.

Before we move into the next point, I want to let you know about my 30-Day video course, Passionate Purpose, Vibrant Health. If you’re looking to discover your true purpose, this is for you. You can learn more about this in the description below.

Living someone else’s dream has profound emotional consequences. If you are not following what has heart and meaning for you, you likely feel an emptiness inside and a lack of meaning regarding the purpose of your life. Even if everything looks good externally, internally, something feels missing, because your soul is not being expressed.

Over time, you may begin to feel resentful toward others – especially toward a parent or sibling whose dream you are following, or resentful toward your circumstances, even though the choices were yours.

When you’re disconnected from your authentic self your nervous system might reflect that disconnection, and you feel anxious or depressed. You might be feeling a loss of identity, perhaps reaching a point where you are questioning who you are and what you actually want.

Along with anxiety or depression, you might feel a lack of vitality. There’s a difference between functioning and feeling alive. Living someone else’s dream drains your aliveness.

How old were you when you decided to follow someone else’s dream for you? Was this something you decided when you were young, or did you decide when you were an adolescent or young adult because you were not sure what you really wanted to do? Were you groomed to do what your parents wanted you to do, such as take over the family business? Were you discouraged from doing what you really wanted to do because your parents said you couldn’t earn enough money? Did your parents or other caregivers withhold love or approval if you voiced what your soul wanted? Did your parents or other caregivers value financial success over authentically expressing your soul? Did you decide that to be loved you had to be the way they wanted you to be?

When you were not supported in following your heart, you likely developed protective strategies, such as people-pleasing, over-achieving, and ignoring your feelings and your truth, and these strategies are keeping you disconnected from your true soul self.

I knew from the time I was five years old that I wanted to be a psychologist, but what my parents wanted was for me to get married and have children. So I did both. Fortunately, I followed my heart and I’m still, 58 years later, doing the work I love, and I also got married and had children, which I also wanted for myself. I’m so glad I didn’t listen to my mother, who didn’t want me to go to college. My parents never did value what I did, including not valuing the books I wrote. They only valued me for giving them grandchildren, which was heartbreaking for me, but I would have been more heartbroken if I hadn’t followed my heart.

As I said, one of the clearest signs that you are living someone else’s dream is a loss of aliveness. Aliveness is that feeling of having lots of energy, and a sense of passion and inspiration along with curiosity regarding how to fully express yourself. When you are following your passion and purpose, life feel meaningful.

But when you’re living from what you believe you should do rather than what you want to do, aliveness fades away. Sometimes even changing jobs or changing relationships, or seeking external stimulation can temporarily help, but unless you shift your intention, the lack of aliveness and the emptiness might return.

This shift of intention starts with the awareness that comes from asking yourself this question: “What am I feeling?”  As I hope you know by now, your feelings are your inner guidance system. If you feel empty, anxious, resentful, bored, or depressed, these feelings are letting you know that you are abandoning yourself in various ways.

Then you extend your awareness when you ask these questions: “Where in my life am I not being true to myself?” or “What am I doing to get approval or avoid disapproval?”

This is where your loving adult comes in. Your loving adult is the part of you that stays compassionately present, seeking the truth and taking loving actions on behalf of yourself and others. The wounded self comes from fear and false beliefs, while the loving adult comes from love and truth.

Your loving adult asks, “What is truly right for me?” and “What brings me joy?” This will likely involve making changes and facing uncertainty, and perhaps disappointing others. But the truth is that you can’t be fully alive and living a life of passion and purpose while abandoning yourself.

Reclaiming your life doesn’t mean making drastic changes overnight. It means taking small, consistent loving actions, starting with telling yourself the truth that if you’ve been living someone else’s dream, you are not in alignment with your own heart and soul.

It’s vital as you go through your inner exploration to be very compassionate rather than judgmental with yourself regarding your previous choices, and regarding new choices you want to make.

In order to access your true path in life, you need to start to listen to your soul, your inner child. You wounded self has no idea what you came to the planet to offer, but your soul knows what excites you and matters to you. You might not be able to tune into this immediately, but if you continue to tune into your feelings, the blueprint within your soul for what would bring you joy to offer the planet will emerge.

Once you genuinely become aware of what you really want to offer, then you need to start to take small steps toward it that reflect your truth and allow you to genuinely begin to express yourself. And along with this, you need to accept that you can’t control others’ reactions to your changes. Are you ready to choose integrity over trying to have control over getting approval? Choosing your personal integrity over controlling getting approval is a powerful shift.

When you begin living your own truth, something wonderful happens. You start to feel more grounded, more energized, more peaceful, and more connected with your feelings and your higher self. You stop doing what you think others want and start doing what you want and what feel right and loving and real to you – what feels aligned with your true soul self. 

If you suspect that you’ve been living someone else’s dream, I want you to know that it’s not too late to begin again, starting with asking yourself what’s loving to you, and what feels true to you. Your life is not meant to be a performance. It’s meant to be an expression of who you truly are. And when you begin to live from that place, you don’t just feel better – you come alive.

If today’s episode resonated with you and you’re ready to discover your true purpose, I invite you to check out my 30-Day video course, Passionate Purpose, Vibrant Health! This course will not only help you discover your passionate purpose, but it will educate you regarding the health you need to accomplish it. You’ll find the link in the description.

Thank you for joining me today, and I’ll see you in the next episode.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings on your journey of discovery.