S2 EP59 – Inner Bonding Podcast: Healer Help, Healer Harm

Transcript

Hi everyone. This is Dr. Margaret Paul with the inner bonding podcast. And today I want to talk about Healer help and healer harm. It’s it’s really unfortunate that I’ve worked with many, many people who’ve actually been harmed rather than helped by the various healers or therapists or facilitators or coaches or doctors or other helping practitioners that they’ve worked with. And so I want to talk today about how you can begin to discern the difference between somebody who is authentically able to help you and somebody who might actually be harming you even if they don’t mean to.

But many, many people do end up being harmed by it by, you know, like I said, by therapists and coaches and medical providers. And so it’s really important to be aware of the signs of a true caring healer or somebody who’s, who’s actually just more ego involved and, and, and controlling of the situation or of the outcome. So one of the things, and I’m going to start With a therapist and then, and then move on to a medical type of practitioner. But it’s really important for you to find out whether a therapist or a coach that you’ve been working with has done their own inner work, because we can only take you.

I can only take you as far as I’ve gone. And so if you’re working with somebody who hasn’t actually done their own work, they’re not going to be able, they may not be able to take you where you need to go. Cause if they haven’t, they haven’t gone there. If they haven’t dealt with some of the deeper issues that you might be dealing with, they don’t actually see it or know anything about it. So it’s really important for you to find out that you’re working with someone who is open to learning, who has done plenty of their own inner healing work, and that it’s ongoing for them. Like for me, it’s ongoing to me, it’s like a way of life. I don’t think growth stops.

It doesn’t stop for me. I’m always learning. I’m always growing. And I think that’s extremely important for anybody. Who’s a helper to continue to learn and, and to grow. Now, one of the things with a, a therapist or a coach that’s really important for you to discern at the, at the very beginning is whether this therapist is helping you to become your own authority, your own guru, because in less, they’re supporting you really being tuned into your own inner knowing.

You’re, you’re the worlds, you’re the world’s authority on you. They’re not the authority on you and their job is to help you tune into that and to help you learn to trust, what’s true for you and what’s right for you. And if, if their ego invested in being right and imposing on you, what they think is right, even if they’re, let’s say a spiritual teacher where they’re saying to you, well, my, you know, my guidance is telling me this about you and, and discounting what you’re saying or what you feel you know about yourself. That’s not, that’s not healing, that’s harmful.

And so you, you want to be discerning what you can discern at the very beginning of work with somebody, whether they’re supporting you in learning to trust yourself and learning to tune into your, your inner guidance, your higher guidance to, to tune into what’s actually right for you, rather than trying to impose what they think is right on to you. You, you don’t want to work with somebody who’s very, very invested in being right, because they’re not, they’re just not going to hear you. They’re not going to support you.

If, if a therapist that you’re working with is afraid of losing you as a client. They’re not going to be very helpful to you because they’re going to be afraid of being honest with you. One of the things that, that I’m kind of known for, with the people that I work with is I’m real straight forward about what I see now, I’m not going to tip toe around about what I see happening. Doesn’t mean, you have to agree with me. You don’t have to take it in, but I am going to be honest. And if you don’t like it, that’s okay. But if you’re with somebody who’s tiptoeing around and going around what they’re seeing, because they’re afraid that you’re going to get upset. They’re afraid of losing you.

That is not going to be very helpful to you. You, you need to be working with somebody. Who’s not afraid to speak their truth while not imposing it on you. And so those are things that you have to be very, very discerning about. Now you need to also be discerning about whether or not the person you’re working with is capable of empathy. You want them to be able to be empathic and compassionate with you, but at the same time, not be giving themselves up, not be codependent with you, not be taking responsibility for you.

And, and this is not always easy for empathic people because empathic people tend to feel responsible, can feel other people’s feelings and they tend to feel responsible. Well, that’s not good therapy for a therapist to take responsibility for you. It took me quite a while to learn this, to learn that I can. I mean, I feel people’s feelings all the time. I know what’s going on inside of them, but I don’t take responsibility for that. And so I don’t get into that, that codependent relationship with them. So it’s really important for you to discern the person you’re working with, that they are capable of empathy and compassion, but they’re not hooked into taking responsibility for you, which is a form of control.

And at some point you’re going to feel that, and it’s not going to feel good. And they also can hook you to them. I’ve worked with various people who were so dependent on their therapist. They’ve gotten completely hooked in to what their therapist is, giving them their therapist is giving them the love and the caring and the empathy and support that they’re not helping you learn to give yourself. And that’s one of the most important things is for you to learn, to give that to yourself so that you’re not dependent on the therapist to give that to you. And I’ve worked with many people who have such a hard time letting go of their therapist because they become extremely dependent.

The therapist has not helped them learn to give themselves the love and the, and the compassion that they’re getting from the therapist. And that makes it very hard on you. If you’ve become dependent on that therapist and then that therapist isn’t available or retires, or doesn’t want to see you or whatever, it’s becomes really, really hard, you feel rejected, but that’s because you’re actually rejecting yourself. And you haven’t learned not to do that. The therapist hasn’t helped you learn not to do that. So it’s really important that, that you have a helper who has learned, who’s learned to stay tuned into their own feelings so they can feel what’s happening within you.

When I’m working with somebody, I can feel inside of me, like I said, what’s happening. And so I know when someone’s abandoning themselves, because I can feel the self-abandonment within them. I can feel when they’re talking from their head, like, let’s say somebody is saying to me that, oh, you know, they’ve really changed. They’re being so kind to their wife now. Well, I can feel whether they’re being kind to their wife, because that’s another form of control because they want to get, they want to get sex from their wife and, or I can feel the difference between them authentically being kind without an agenda.

To me, it’s a completely different energy, a completely frequency when somebody is like being nice in order to get something, or somebody is being nice and loving and caring because they’re truly taking care of themselves. They’re filling themselves up with love and they want to share that love. And so when I feel somebody coming from their head and telling me what they’re doing, like with their partner, and then they’re still upset because they’re not getting what they want. Then I’m in a position to hold up a mirror for them that they’re still trying to control that they’re still making their partner responsible for them.

And that their kindness is a form of control because it has an agenda. They’re trying to get something back as opposed to coming from a full heart or, or let’s say that, that, that I have this woman, client, and I can feel that she’s not really doing her inner work. And I’ll say, you know, I can’t feel that, that you’re really practicing in her bonding. And she’ll say, well, you know, I’m working with you. You know, it doesn’t that tell it doesn’t that tell you that I’m open, you know, say, no, it doesn’t. And underneath I realize that this person is working with me to stop their partner from leaving rather than to learn, to be loving to themselves and share their love.

And I’ll say that, I’ll say, well, it feels like that you’re wanting that you’re using the inner bonding process to control your partner. See how open you are, see the work you’re doing in order to get your partner not to leave. And so, you know, this, this thing about intention gets to be kind of subtle, but if you’re tuned in, you can actually feel the difference between somebody who’s, who’s really open and caring and somebody who’s using that as a form of control. And so you want to be with a therapist who’s very tuned into themselves who can hold up a mirror for you and help you to see what you’re doing, help you to see if you’re really open to learning about loving yourself and learning to trust your feelings and trust your higher guidance, or that you’re just using this as a form of control that you’re in therapy, just to show your partner that you’re doing the work or that you’re acting nice in order to get what you want.

It’s really important that somebody who is there to help you is tuned in enough to be able to point these things out to you. And another really important Thing about a helper to me, this is really important is that they, they have their own spiritual connection and that they’re, they’re being guided in terms of helping you, they’re being guided by love. They’re being guided by their own higher guidance. Rather than that, they’re coming from a closed, a closed and controlling place. You want a helper, you want a therapist or a coach facilitator who’s open, not who’s closed, not who’s controlling.

And part of being open is being open to their own higher knowing because like, for me, when I work with somebody I’m tuning in all the time to the information that’s coming through, to me, both from my higher guidance and from the person’s higher guidance who I’m working with, because when I’m working with somebody I’m very open. I just wanna, I just want to help that. That’s what I asked for before I work with somebody is just ma make me make me a channel of healing, make me a channel of love. And that opens me to being able to access the information that I need from my guidance and from their guidance.

And so again, you want to discern, is this helper just coming from like what they learned from a textbook, because that’s going to be really limited or are they really open to the flow of love and information that can come through them when they’re genuinely open to that? So these are important things for you as the client to discern, because you will be helped by an open and loving an empathic facilitator who truly wants to support you in becoming your own authority, your own guru, and support you in, in, in tuning into your inner knowing and trusting that.

But you’re not going to be helped by somebody that does not have that in mind, who just wants to impose on you, what they think you should be doing. Now, it’s the same thing with a doctor or another kind of medical practitioner. And of course, this is happening a lot now, especially with the corporations where they have 15 minutes to hear you. And they just, you know, perhaps just want to give you a drug or a medication, and they don’t sit and listen to you. They don’t listen to what you know about your own body, what you know, but what’s really happening and what may be right for you.

And if they, they try to impose a particular medication onto you and you know that that’s just not right for you. You need to listen to hear yourself and not let somebody not give authority over to a medical practitioner or, or, or anybody who’s, who’s treating you on the physical level. Just so very important for you not to give up your authority. Again, you’re the authority you live in your body. You’re the one that knows what’s going on. You might not know what to do, and that’s why you’re seeking their help. But you need to discern again with any kind of practitioner, where are they coming from?

Are they open to learning? Are they listening to you or, or do they just want to impose on you? What they believe is best for you without hearing you. I remember seeing, seeing a doctor a long time ago about a thyroid issue. And I know that my body just does not respond well to anything that’s not natural. And so I’ve had to learn to deal with anything that I have to deal with with things that are natural. Well, this doctor wanted to give me a medication that was not natural. And I said, no, my body doesn’t handle that. Well, I’ve taken it. It doesn’t work. It doesn’t handle it.

Well, and this doctor said to me, if you don’t take this, I’m, I’m not going to treat you. You have to find another doctor. So for me, I said, fine, I’m not going to go to a doctor that says you have to do what I tell you to do, or I will not treat you. That’s the kind of doctor that you do not want to be working with. You want to be working with somebody who, who honors you, who, who, who wants to work equally with you rather than just wants to impose on you, be the authority over you. Now, the more you learn and practice the inner bonding process, and you learn to trust your own inner and higher, knowing the sooner you’re going to be able to discern who can truly help you to heal and who might actually harm you.

I mean, it’s sad that we can be harmed by people who are supposed to be healers, but we can’t. And, and instead of just giving up your authority, you need to tune in and inner bonding will greatly help you start to trust your inner knowing and your higher knowing. I’ve worked with so many people who have worked on themselves for many, many years and saw so many different practitioners and Aaron’s still anxious or, or depressed or filled with guilt or shame or not doing well on the physical level because they weren’t taught to go in and trust themselves.

They weren’t taught how to tune in to a higher source of guidance. And it’s, it’s so sad to me when I work with somebody who says, why didn’t my therapist tell me this, or why didn’t my, my health practitioner, my healer tell me this. And it’s because they, they didn’t know, or because they were trying to impose their way onto the person. And so, you know, it’s sad to me when I work with somebody, as in like, God, I spent so much money over the last 20 years on different therapists and practitioners and helpers, and nobody ever told me, first of all, that I’m responsible for my own feelings.

Nobody ever told me how to take care of that. Nobody ever told me that stress was causing so much of my physical symptoms. Nobody ever told me how to connect with a higher source of information. Nobody ever told me how to connect with my feelings and how to learn the information that my feelings are giving me. And so, I mean, that’s very sad to me. I don’t want people to be harmed by their healers. And so it’s going to be up to you to really start to discern who can really help you and who might be harmful to you. And this is why I’m talking to you about this today.

I want you to be helped with whoever it is you, you turn to for help, but it’s going to be up to you to not give your authority away to anybody. Now, I really want to encourage you. If you haven’t taken my 30 day, virtual love yourself course to take that course. It’s going to be so helpful to you in learning and practicing the inner bonding process. And I haven’t coming up live where you get my personal help on the forum. And you get a once a week live coaching session. It’s going to be coming up at the end of this month and you can take it on your own, or you can take it with me, but if you want my personal help, then sign up for the love yourself course, that’s coming up the end of this month, end of June.

And if you don’t know anything about inner Bonnie, please go to our website@innerbonnie.com, take our free seven day course, which will give you the overview and be very, very helpful to you in starting to learn and practice in her body. And there’s many books out there that I’ve written. I encourage you to read my two latest ones, diet for divine connection, beyond junk foods and junk thoughts to at-will spiritual connection and the inner bonding workbook. These will be enormous help to you in learning and practicing inner bonding. And I want you to remember that so much of what happens in our body physically is connected to how we’re taking care of ourselves, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

And this is what inner bonding is going to teach you to do. We, we are, we are not separate like our organs and our thoughts. Spirit is not all separate. It’s all one. And so when you learn how to manage your stress, when you learn to take responsibility for your feelings, when you learn to be enjoy, it’s going to affect your health and wellbeing on all levels. So I so encourage you to learn and practice inner bonding. I’m sending you my love and my blessings.