S2 EP270 – When is it Loving to Yourself and Others to Apologize?

Hi everyone! Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. We are often told to apologize when we have done something that someone else is upset about, but how often are you aware of your intent when apologizing? 

“When it is helpful to apologize?” asked Patricia, a client of mine, in one of our sessions. Her husband, Brent, often expected her to apologize and she was confused about when it was appropriate.

The answer to this question is a little complex, because there are different reasons why people apologize:

Sometimes people apologize to try to have control over the other person. If the other person has indicated that they expect an apology and you give it to them, whether or not you feel apologetic or feel that you have anything to apologize for, then you are trying to have control over how the other person feels about you.

The problem with apologizing with the intent to control is that you have to give yourself up to do it, and this will always make you feel badly inside. Giving yourself up gives yourself the message that how the other person feels about you is more important than being true to yourself. So, even if the other person is happy with you that you apologized, you may feel some depression as a result of compromising your own integrity.

You might also apologize when the intent to control is to get the other person off your back. A true apology means that you mean what you say and have done the inner work to not consciously do whatever you did again. For example, if you come home drunk, or hit your partner, or had an affair, and you apologize – is it from the heart because you have done your inner work and won’t do it again, or is it to appease your partner? If it’s to appease your partner, it doesn’t mean anything – it’s just a form of control.

Another reason people apologize is because they genuinely feel badly about something they did. They apologize because it is loving to themselves to acknowledge their own unloving behavior. They apologize out of caring for themselves and for the person they have hurt. This apology is coming from a sense of integrity and leads to feeling peaceful within. This is the apology that means something and leads to the inner work needed to not consciously do the hurtful thing again.

Often people apologize out of toxic guilt, thinking they’ve done something wrong when they haven’t, and trying to take responsibility for another’s feelings. This form of apology is a subtle form of control, which I will talk more about in this podcast.

In my session with Patricia, she needed to get clear on her intent. “Patricia,” I said, “while it may seem helpful to apologize to appease Brent, in the long run it is anything but helpful. While it may calm things for the moment, in the long run it sets up a codependent system where Brent is making you responsible for his feelings. You have to apologize for him to feel okay or feel loving toward you. It is not your responsibility to care-take his feelings.

“On the other hand, if you have behaved in a way that you are not happy with, then it is taking responsibility for your own feelings to sincerely apologize to Brent.”

“So it is loving to apologize when I’m doing it for me, but not when I’m doing it for him?” she asked.

“Well,” I said, “it is loving when you are doing it for both of you, but not just for him. When you are doing it just for him, then you are allowing him to control you and you are being compliant as a way to control him, which will never make you feel good inside or foster a loving relationship.”

“But what if he demands an apology before he will be loving to me?” she asked.

“Then he is making you responsible for his feelings, and by apologizing, you are making him responsible for your feelings. You are abandoning yourself to try to get love, rather than being loving to yourself. If you genuinely feel that you didn’t do anything for which you need to apologize, then it is loving to yourself to let go of whether or not he is being nice to you and accept the responsibility of being loving to yourself. Also, what you are calling, ‘being loving to you,’ isn’t what I call being loving. He is using being ‘loving’ to you are a weapon to control you, and that’s not love. Love doesn’t have an agenda – like the agenda to get you to apologize.”

“Oh, I get it!” she said. “If I apologize to get him to be nice to me, even when I feel that I haven’t done anything wrong, then I am abandoning myself and trying to control him instead of being true to myself. No wonder I feel so badly when I do that! It’s been confusing because it’s very easy for me to apologize when I’ve been hurtful to him and it makes me feel good to do that, but apologizing when he is demanding it, and I know that I have done nothing to apologize for makes me feel awful inside.”

Patricia felt so much better understanding the difference between a genuine apology and a controlling apology,

Now I want to talk about the difference between apologizing from toxic guilt and apologizing from true remorse.

“Guilt” and “remorse” have the same definition in the Encarta World English dictionary. However, in Inner Bonding terms they are not always the same thing.

It’s appropriate to feel guilt and remorse when you’ve been hurtful to others, but this is different than toxic guilt. Toxic guilt is what you feel when you judge yourself for having done something you judge as bad or wrong. Your wounded self says things like:

“I can’t believe I binged on sugar again. What a weak jerk I am.”

“I’m such a bad parent. I just can’t seem to control my kids.”

“I know that I should visit my mother more. I’m really a bad daughter.”

“I promised myself that I wouldn’t get angry anymore. I must really be crazy for losing my temper again.”

You hope that by judging yourself and feeling guilty, you can have control over not doing it again. Of course, this never works since behavior changes when your intent changes, not when you are judging yourself. In fact, the more you judge yourself, the more you might find yourself doing whatever it is that you are judging yourself for.

It’s when you apologize from this form of guilt that your apology doesn’t mean anything and is just a form of control to try to appease your own guilty conscience and the person you are apologizing to.

Remorse, on the other hand, leads to true change and healing. Remorse is what you feel when you deeply and genuinely regret a choice you made, and you know that you will never consciously make that choice again. Remorse comes from your heart, while guilt comes from your mind. Remorse indicates that a major change has taken place within you – you have shifted your intent from controlling to learning.

Those of you who are Harry Potter fans will certainly have read the last book. In this book, Harry is told that the evil wizard, Voldemort, has only one chance of living. His one unlikely chance is if he feels remorse for all the people he tortured and all the murders he committed. Not guilt – remorse. Only remorse will restore his soul. Only remorse brings redemption.

In the movie, “Dead Man Walking,” Sister Helen Prejean, played by Susan Sarandon, establishes a special relationship with Matthew Poncelet, a prisoner on death row – played by Sean Penn. At the end of the film, just before he is executed, Matthew is redeemed because he feels true remorse for the murders he had committed. His apology to the parents of the adolescents he murdered is genuine, expressed for his own soul, as well as for the parents. While it doesn’t take away the grief of the parents’ great loss, the energy of a true apology does bring some comfort.  

Guilt may indicate that there is no true change of heart. Guilt is generally an indication that the wounded self is in charge, trying to control the outcome of things with self-judgment. Guilt indicates that no true behavior change is imminent, because no change of heart has occurred. How often have you known people to say “I’m sorry,” only to keep doing the same thing over and over? “I’m sorry I lied.” “I’m sorry I hit you.” “I’m sorry I had an affair.” I’m sorry I gambled away our money.” “I’m sorry I got drunk and made a fool of myself.” “I’m sorry” fueled by guilt, means nothing. It is just a manipulation to control being forgiven. Like the weekly confession to the priest, it often clears the conscience so that the person is now free to commit the unloving act again, having received the desired forgiveness.

A person incapable of feeling remorse may be labeled a sociopath or a psychopath, now called anti-social personality disorder. Such a person may frequently express guilt as a form of control, but due to feeling deeply entitled to do whatever he or she chooses, feels no remorse. These people don’t actually feel the feelings of guilt – they are just saying the words as a manipulation.

Remorse is a deep and powerful feeling and creates deep and powerful change. The prodigal son’s remorse led to his repentance and redemption. Toxic guilt indicates that we are off course in our thinking – out of alignment with our true self. Remorse brings us back into alignment with the truth of who we are. Apologies coming from remorse come with true change.

Toxic guilt often comes from taking responsibility for others hurt when you didn’t consciously do something to hurt them. This frequently occurs with adult children when their parent blames them for his or her feelings. One of my client’s mother constantly blames her for being a bad daughter, even though she is one of the most attentive daughters I’ve ever met. When we started working together, this client was filled with toxic guilt and frequently apologized to her mother, believing that she wasn’t doing enough for her narcissistic mother. Over time of doing Inner Bonding, she came to realize that she is a very good daughter, and that no matter how attentive she is to her mother, it’s never good enough for her mother. She was finally able to stop judging herself for being a bad daughter, and stop apologizing to get her mother’s approval, and stop over-giving. 

This also frequently occurs regarding parents taking responsibility for their adult children’s feelings. 

If you have children, how are they doing? If they are doing well, then you likely feel good about your parenting. If they are not doing well, what are you telling yourself about your parenting? Are you saying things to yourself such as:

“I should have been there for them more.”

“I should have been harder or easier on them.”

“I should have been a stay-at-home mother.”

“I shouldn’t have spent so much time at work.”

“I should have set better limits.”

…and so on.

Yet most parents did the best they could, and continue doing the best they can. Statements such as those only server to create toxic guilt. And the fact is that if you had known how to do it better, you probably would have, so beating yourself up for not knowing better is a useless waste of energy.

My client Georgia sought my help because her daughter had let her and her husband know that she would no longer have any communication with them and that they could no longer see their grandchildren. Georgia and her husband had done the very best they could to be loving parents, and they were totally confused regarding why their daughter was so angry at them. 

Their daughter, Kimberly, has been a handful from the time she was two years old. By the time she was seven, she was highly controlling and judgmental, with little empathy toward her parents or siblings. Georgia, being a caretaker, consistently gave in to Kimberly, fostering her growing narcissism. 

Georgia and Kimberly had previously sought therapeutic help, but all that happened was that Kimberly blamed Georgia for her misery, and Georgia kept apologizing. No matter how much she apologized, it did nothing to appease Kimberly.

Georgia eventually had to accept that Kimberly was on her own soul’s journey, and that there was nothing she could do about who Kimberly was choosing to be. Georgia was heartbroken over what Kimberly was doing to her own soul, and over the fact that she likely wouldn’t be able to have a relationship with her grandchildren until they were older, but she had to accept that there was nothing she could do but go on living her own life.

Even if you had been an “ideal” parent – if there is such a thing – your child might still have problems.

The belief that perfect parenting creates perfect children is a false belief based on another false belief – that we have control over other people.

There are two problems with thinking that you can be a perfect parent and that this will create perfect, happy, and successful children:

One problem is that all of us are in the process of evolving ourselves – we are a work in progress. Unless you are a totally enlightened being, that is, someone with no ego, no woundedness, no issues at all (I have never met this person!), you bring your own issues into your relationship with your children. You bring your own conditioning, false beliefs, fears, and desires for control over getting love and avoiding pain. Given that we are the role models for our children, there is no way that they will not absorb some of our unhealed issues. Even if you manage to treat them with unconditional love, are you able to treat yourself with unconditional love? And if not, they are likely to learn to treat themselves the way you treat yourself, or treat you the way you treat yourself – no matter how wonderfully you treat them.

The second problem is that children do not come into this life as blank slates. They come in with their own unique souls. Anyone who has had more than one child knows that each child comes in totally different, with his or her own unique ways of being in the world. Therefore, what you do with one child that seems to work so well, may not work well at all with another child. Unless you are very sensitive and able to be acutely tuned into each child, it is likely that you may miss the cues of what an individual child needs. Therefore, while we need to take full responsibility for our choices and for being as loving as we can be, we cannot take responsibility for a child’s choices regarding who he or she chooses to be.

If your children are not doing well or are blaming you for their feelings, it is certainly important to do all you can to help. This means not only supporting them in receiving the help they need if they are available for help, but also
embracing your own Inner Bonding journey. The more responsibility you take for your happiness and wellbeing, the better role model you become for them, regardless of their age. Even adult children can still learn from you how to start to take responsibility for themselves. 

If your adult child asks you to go into therapy with him or her, or you ask your adult child to go into therapy with him or her, that might be helpful, as long as both of you are open to learning about yourselves and each other. But if your child just wants to blame you, you won’t get anywhere.

Feeling toxic guilt for your children’s problems not only does nothing to help them, but it can also even harm them. 

Your toxic guilt indicates that you feel responsible for them, and they may be more than willing to blame you for their problems. Feeling guilty can be a form of enabling, which is never helpful to anyone. Continuing to apologize when you did the best you could only fuels their anger and blame toward you.

While they are living with you, you are certainly responsible for providing a caring and healthy environment for them. But you cannot take responsibility for the choices they make – you do not have this control. If you learn to take loving care of yourself in the face of their choices, you provide them with the opportunity to learn to take loving care of themselves.

Again, it’s all about your intention. When your intention is to be loving to yourself and to others, you will have a much easier time knowing when it’s appropriate to apologize and when it isn’t. If your intent is to control, then you will not be present in your body with your feelings and your higher guidance, and you will then operate from your wounded self, stuck in fear, obligation, or guilt – in other words stuck in a FOG.

How often do you walk around in a fog, not present in your body, not present with your feelings, and not present with your guidance?

That’s where I used to live. My wounded self was relentless in telling me things that created the FOG feelings. My wounded self had been deeply programmed with hundreds of beliefs that invariably put me into fear, obligation, and guilt.

The scary, judgmental voice of my wounded self would say things to me like, “Did you remember to turn the flame off on the stove? No, I’m sure you didn’t, and the house is going to burn down, and your children will die.”

Or, “Linda invited you to her party and you don’t want to go but you know you will hurt her feelings and that’s not okay. She will think you don’t care – that you are not a caring person, so you have to go to prove that you care.”

Or, “He’s angry and it must be your fault. You didn’t do something right – again. He’s probably angry because you are not sexy enough.”

Or, “He feels hurt because you want to read your book tonight. It’s not okay to read your book if he is upset about it.”

Or, “Mom’s angry that you didn’t call her this week. You are not a caring daughter.”

On and on. And constantly apologizing for upsetting someone. Of course it never occurred to me that others weren’t caring about me when they were angry and blaming and guilting me. I couldn’t even think that thought because then my wounded self would really get into gear:

“Don’t be so selfish. You are selfish if you do what you want if others are upset about it. You are selfish if you don’t go to the party. You are selfish if you don’t have sex when he wants it. You are selfish if you read your book when he wants to make love. You are selfish for not calling your mother.”

I was told so often by my grandmother that I was selfish that I believed it – even though she was actually the selfish one. I don’t remember my parents or my grandmother ever apologizing to me. It was always my job to apologize – until I learned that it wasn’t. 

It wasn’t until Inner Bonding that I discovered that taking care of myself was loving instead of selfish and that it was not only my right to take care of myself, but my responsibility. It was through Inner Bonding and getting connected with my guidance that I discovered that when someone expected me to give myself up for them instead of take loving care of myself, they were the ones being selfish. Learning that was huge for me. I stopped apologizing for taking loving care of myself. I stopped explaining myself to try to get them to understand and approve of me. I stopped taking responsibility for others’ feelings.

It was from my guidance that I learned that when someone blamed me for being selfish it was often a projection of their own selfishness, and that it wasn’t my responsibility to apologize. They were trying to guilt me into caretaking them instead of taking care of myself.

It was through my guidance that I learned that acting out of fear, obligation, and guilt was not only unloving to me, it was also unloving to others, because in giving to them from my fear, obligation, or guilt, I had an agenda that they give to me what I was not giving to myself.

Operating out of fear, obligation, and guilt is operating in the FOG of my wounded self, while operating out of love, caring, and compassion, for myself and others, takes me out of the FOG and into the clarity of mind that comes when I am guided by spirit rather than by my wounded self.

When I’m being guided by spirit, I know exactly when it’s loving to me and to others to apologize, and when it isn’t. 

Again, your intent is everything. When your intention is to be loving to yourself and to others, rather than to control them, you will know when an apology is genuinely loving and coming from your heart, and when it’s manipulative and coming from your wounded self. 

I invite you to join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership. 

And, I invite you to join me for my 30-Day home study Course that teaches Inner Bonding: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.