S2 EP321 – Relationships – Why Explaining Often Doesn’t Work

Hi everyone and welcome to the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’m Dr. Margaret Paul and today’s episode is about why explaining yourself to others often doesn’t work well in your relationships. You might want to stay to the end so you can learn more about the resources available for healing relationships

Have you ever found yourself trying to explain why you did what you did that someone is upset about, or what you meant in a comment that someone is upset about, or why you feel the way you do, or why the other person isn’t seeing you, hearing you, or understanding you?

And the more you explain the worse it gets? Maybe you try harder, repeating yourself, or getting more logical or detailed, but instead of creating understanding and connection, the other person becomes even more upset and angry, or also explains and defends. or shuts down and become distant.

And you end up feeling unheard, unseen, and misunderstood. If this is familiar, you’re certainly not alone.

Do you believe that if only you explain yourself well enough, the other person will understand and stop being upset with you?

Many of us grew up believing if we can just explain ourselves clearly enough, everything will be okay. Of course as children, we wanted so much to be seen, heard, understood and accepted rather than judged and criticized, and we hoped that explaining, defending, and justifying would get us out of trouble – that if our parents or caregivers really understood us, we would be safe and loved.

But here’s the problem. When someone is upset rather than open to learning, they are in their ego wounded self, and they can’t hear you or see you. They are not in their logical upper brain – they are in their lower emotional brain, and they want to be right and in control. They don’t want to hear or see you – they just want you to hear and see them. So your explanations fall on deaf ears. When someone is in their ego wounded self, they don’t care about why you did what you did or said what you said. They just want to control you with their upset. They want you to see that what you did or said was wrong so that you won’t do it again.

It doesn’t matter that you likely had very good reasons for saying or doing what you did, or that you likely had no intention to hurt them in any way. They are upset and are not asking for any explanations. They just want your compliance.

It’s not easy to accept that when someone important to you is coming from their young wounded inner child or wounded inner adolescent – which in Inner Bonding we call the wounded self – they are not in an open and caring place. They are not caring about you – they just want you to care about them. No matter how much you explain, they will feel cared about only when you agree with them and admit that what you said or did was wrong.

Of course you feel the need to explain when you feel rejected and misunderstood, and you are being made wrong or being seen as bad, or being blamed for something you didn’t do, or blamed for the other person’s feelings. Their anger, disapproval, criticism, and believing you are the problem triggers your urge to explain.

If you had these experiences growing up, as I did, it’s automatic that your wounded self gets activated, falsely believing that if you can just explain yourself, you will stop the other person’s anger or blame and feel safe. Even though it doesn’t help you, you might talk more and add more details to try to change their perception and prove your innocence.

Unless you have done much work on developing your loving adult, you will continue to automatically try to protect yourself with your explanations.

What happens when the other person is trying to control you with their anger and blame, and you are trying to control them with your explanations and defensiveness? The chances are the conflict escalates rather than resolves.

If you’re looking to create more loving relationships, then you might want to take my 30-Day Video course, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love. You can learn more in the description below.”

If you were able to respond as a loving adult when someone is going at you with their wounded self, you would stop responding to the content of what they are saying, and instead to respond to the intention of why they are saying it.

But learning to do this isn’t easy when you learned to defend and explain in your growing up years. It takes much practice to focus on intent – yours and theirs – rather than content.

For example:

Your partner gets angry at you for not wanting to make love, again.

There are a few ways you can respond from your loving adult rather than explaining, defending, giving in, or withdrawing.

You can comment on the intention, such as saying, “It feels like you are trying to control me with your anger and that’s not a turn on for me.” Then you can open to learning, such as saying, “There must be a good reason you believe that getting angry at me will make me want to make love with you. Are you willing to talk about this?”

Or you can lovingly disengage, setting a limit, such as saying, “I’m not available for your anger so I’m going to take a walk. I’ll check in with you when I get back to see if we can talk about this.”

The third option is to active listen to your partner, saying something like, “I hear you that you are angry with me for not wanting to make love,” and continue to active listen as your partner talks more about this.

What you are not doing is explaining unless your partner asks you direct questions about why you don’t want to make love. Then you have an arena to explain your feelings.

In moments of relational conflict, people are rarely asking for information, which is why explanations don’t work. They are likely trying to control you because of feeling fearful, insecure, and rejected. In their anger or blame, they might be asking, “Do you care about my feelings?” “Do I matter to you?” “Are you here with me?” “Am I safe with you?” “Do you still love me?”

Explanations don’t answer those questions. They only make the other person feel more upset. The paradox is that if the other person either feels heard and understood or accepts that their controlling behavior isn’t going to work for them, they might become more open to hearing your explanations at some point.

This doesn’t mean you never express your perspective. It means timing and intention matter. You likely will be able to share your experience and point of view once there is openness between you.

In order to shift out of your intention to control with your explaining, and open to learning about what would be loving to yourself, you need to learn to take what I call a “sacred pause.” This takes practice, but if you learn to take a breath, you have a chance to shift out of your wounded self who wants to control and not be controlled, to tuning into the other person’s intent and to what would be loving to you in the face of their unloving behavior.

So when you feel the urge to explain, pause. Take a breath and consciously choose to comment on the intent rather than the content with an intent to learn, or lovingly disengage, or active listen. You need to be honest with yourself about your intent – to try to control the other person into seeing things your way, or to take loving care of yourself. Ask yourself, “What’s most important to me right now – to be understood or to be loving to myself and the other person?”

When connection is restored, understanding becomes possible for both of you.

The deeper work is learning to tolerate being misunderstood without going into your learned controlling, self-abandoning behavior. It’s certainly not easy to tolerate not being seen, heard, or understood, but you need to fully accept that when someone you are in a relationship with is in their wounded self, they can’t see you, hear you, or understand you, so explaining is a total waste of energy.

When you are operating from your loving adult, your responsibility is to see, hear, and understand yourself, letting your inner child know that he or she isn’t responsible for the other person’s feelings or behavior. It’s not that explaining is bad – it’s that when there is conflict, it just doesn’t work to create any resolution.

Resolution occurs not through the controlling behaviors of defending and explaining, but through both people being open to learning. This means being present with curiosity, listening with empathy to each other, and expressing caring for each other’s feelings and needs. This is what creates intimacy and connection, and the resolution of conflict.

Save your explanations for when you are both open to learning, both being present with each other with open hearts.

If you’re ready to create more loving and connected relationships, I invite you to check out my powerful relationships 30-Day video course, Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love. It’s designed for anyone who wants to create loving relationships with family, friends, and a partner. You’ll find the link in the description.

Thank you for joining me today, and I’ll see you in the next episode.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings on your healing journey.