S2 EP268 – The Path to Attracting the Love of Your Life

Hi everyone! Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. A common problem for single people is about how to attract their beloved, and this is what I’m addressing today.

I often hear my clients and people at my events say things like:  

“I’m tired of being alone and going to sleep alone. Will I ever find a loving partner?” Or…

“I really want a relationship, but I keep attracting unavailable people. What am I doing wrong? Or…

“Why do all my relationships end up the same?” Or…

“I’m scared I’m destined to end up alone.” Or…

“I want to share my life with someone. I want to wake up with a partner and share a dream or chat with my partner about the coming day.” Or…

“I want to come home to someone with whom I can share my day. I hate coming home from work to an empty house.” Or…

“I want someone to play with, to watch TV with or go to a movie with or go on vacation with. I’m so tired of doing these things alone and my friends have their own lives.”

Most people want to share their lives with someone. Yet many people have a very hard time finding and creating a loving connected relationship. Frequently, something is in the way of attracting their beloved. 

I have worked with many clients who were able to find the love of their life after healing the blocks and beliefs that were in the way. There are numerous false beliefs and resulting fears and blocks that you might need to heal before being able to meet the love of your life. 

One major block is a fear of engulfment – of losing yourself in a relationship.

As much as you might want a relationship, if the fear of losing yourself within a relationship is greater than your desire for a relationship, this fear will win out over and over.

Do you believe that you have to give yourself up to be loved by another? Do you believe that you are not good enough the way you are so that you have to be overly nice and compliant in order for someone to love you? Is this what you’ve done in your relationships?

Giving yourself up is what leads to a fear of engulfment and is a prescription for never finding your beloved.

Another major fear of the fear of rejection.

Have you been hurt in relationships? Most of us have. Is avoiding the pain of rejection more important to you than being in a loving, connected relationship?

Relationships can be painful, so until you learn how to manage the possible heartbreak, you might be pushing away the love of your life. Learning how to lovingly manage the loneliness, heartbreak, and helplessness of important relationships is vital for being able to attract your life partner.

The fear of engulfment and the fear of rejection are intertwined. You would not fear losing yourself in a relationship if you didn’t fear rejection, because you would not be willing to give yourself up to control how another feels about you if you were not trying to avoid rejection. Until you heal these fears through practicing Inner Bonding and developing your loving adult, you are likely rejecting yourself with your self-abandonment, which is what leads to fearing rejection by others. A loving adult sets limits regarding being controlled by others, which takes away the fear of engulfment, and a loving adult learns to not take rejection personally.

Another block to meeting the love of your life may be a fear of making a mistake. Perhaps you are too cautious because you are terrified of making a mistake – or making a mistake again? While we all need to be willing to make mistakes to move forward, when you practice Inner Bonding and learn to trust your inner knowing, you can know early in a relationship whether this is a person to get to know further or whether you need to move on. You are way less likely to make a mistake in choosing a partner when you develop your spiritual connection and learn to love and value yourself. You become much more tuned into energy when you are functioning as a spiritually connected loving adult than when you are operating from your wounded self, and it becomes easier to tell fairly early in a relationship whether or not someone is who they appear to be. 

When your wounded self is in charge, you are abandoning yourself. When you are abandoning yourself rather than loving yourself, you become invisible to others. Others tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves, so if you are ignoring your feelings, judging yourself, turning to various addictions to numb your feelings and making others responsible for your feelings, you are unconsciously pushing others away and making yourself invisible.

When you make others responsible for your worth and sense of safety, it’s very easy to become love addicted, which means being addicted to someone giving you the love you are not giving to yourself. This generally taps into the other person’s fear of engulfment, and they eventually pull away.

Since we attract at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, becoming a healthy partner is essential for attracting a healthy partner.

People of often ask me “What exactly does this mean to attract at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health?”

Our level of woundedness is the level at which we are abandoning ourselves, while our level of health is the level at which we are loving ourselves. In any given relationship, the way each partner abandons him or herself may be different, but how much they each abandon themselves within the primary relationship is similar.

For example, Jimmy and Marie meet and are attracted to each other. Jimmy abandons himself through ignoring his own feelings and pulling on others to fill him up with attention, approval, and sex. Marie abandons herself by being a caretaker – tending to others’ feelings while ignoring her own. Their common level of woundedness is the degree to which they each ignore their own feelings and avoid responsibility for them, along with the degree to which they each turn to various addictive controlling behaviors to attempt to fill the emptiness within that results from their self-abandonment.

A woman who is taking responsibility for her own feelings – who is connected with her spiritual guidance and operates as a loving adult, taking loving action on her own behalf – would not be attracted to Jimmy. She would immediately feel Jimmy’s inner emptiness and neediness, and his energy would feel to her like the repelling end of a magnet.

Likewise, a man who is operating as a loving adult with himself would not be attracted to Marie. Instead he would feel put off by her caretaking and the inner neediness from which it stems. He would feel her insecurity, her fears of rejection, and the anxiety that goes along with inner abandonment. No matter how beautiful Marie is, this man would not be attracted to her frequency, which would be much lower than his.

So when a client or a person at one of my events asks, “Why can’t I attract an available partner?” I often answer, “Because it’s likely that you are not available to yourself – to taking responsibility for your own feelings. As long as you are abandoning yourself, you will attract someone who is also abandoning themselves, and this self-abandonment may show up as emotional unavailability.”

“But” many ask, “some of my friends are in relationships. How come I’m not?”

My answer is that is “Those of your friends who have really great relationships are people who are taking loving care of themselves and sharing their love with their partners. But I would guess that many of your friends are in codependent relationships – taking and caretaking – and if they are not yet having problems, they will likely have them in the future. Codependent relationships seem to work as long as each partner continues to play their assigned role, but if one of them grows and the other doesn’t, then the system falls apart. This is why almost 50% of first marriages end in divorce, and the rate is way higher for second and third marriages. And, of the half of first marriages that stay married, many have settled for a distant or conflicted relationship.”

So, to be in a loving relationship, you need to practice Inner Bonding so that you stop abandoning yourself by ignoring your feelings, judging yourself, and turning to addictions, including the addiction of making another responsible for your worth and lovability. Once you are taking loving care of yourself – not in order to get a partner, but because being loving is your highest priority – then it is likely that you will attract a loving and available partner. By practicing Inner Bonding and learning to take loving care of yourself, you raise your frequency and will attract someone of like frequency. As the law of attraction states, ‘Like attracts like.”

One of my favorite authors, Dr. David Hawkins, who was a psychiatrist, a physician, and a researcher, and author of the excellent book, Power vs. Force, wrote that “Everybody is like a magnet. You attract to yourself reflections of that which you are.” 

Are you happy with who you attract to yourself? Are you attracting open, loving, available, caring, kind people into your life? Or are you attracting closed, hard, angry, abusive, emotionally unavailable, distant, or judgmental people?

If you are not happy with the kind of people you are attracting into your life, then you might want to notice what kind of magnet you are being.

What Dr. David Hawkins stated is the essence of the Law of Attraction. If you are not happy with the relationships you are attracting into your life, then you might want to do your Inner Bonding work to become the kind of person you want to attract.

Many people believe that if only they can attract a kind and loving person into their life, then they will feel good about themselves. The problem is that this is backwards. The truth is that when you become a kind and loving person who feels good about yourself, then you will attract kind and loving people into your life.

I used to be an angry, needy, and judgmental person and I consistently attracted angry, needy and judgmental people. Through my Inner Bonding practice, I’ve healed to the point of now attracting caring and emotionally healthy people. I used to believe that the world was full of angry and judgmental people, and now my experience is that the world is full of kind and loving people! It’s amazing how much the world has changed for me!

I work with many people who seek out my help because they are tired of attracting the ‘wrong’ person over and over. It’s generally evident to me in the very first session that they have never learned to be the ‘right’ person with themselves and with others. And until they do, they will continue to attract people from the low frequency of their wounded self rather than from the high frequency of their loving adult.

When you are operating from your wounded self – which means that you are coming from neediness, emptiness, fear of rejection, fear of engulfment, fear of getting hurt, anger, anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, or feelings of unworthiness – you are transmitting a low frequency. People with a high frequency – people who love and value themselves and treat themselves and others with kindness and caring – are going to be attracted to other high frequency people. They will feel compassion for low frequency people but not feel attracted to them as friends or partners.

We all have the free will to ultimately determine our own frequency. Regardless of your background, you have the choice to do the inner work necessary to operate from a higher frequency. When you let go of believing that someone else can do this for you, then you might become motivated to do it for yourself and learn to become the kind of person you want to attract.

While other people’s love can support you in your healing, no one can do it for you. No matter how loving someone else might be with you, if you are abandoning yourself with self-judgments and various addictions, you will continue to feel badly about yourself and continue to operate from a low frequency – and continue to attract other low frequency people.

I encourage you to focus on becoming the kind of person you want to attract into your life.

One of my clients asked me the following questions: “Can I attract my beloved if I’m still in the process of healing my inner pain? Do I have to be healed to attract my beloved?”

The simple answers are yes, you can attract your beloved if you are still healing, and no, you don’t need to be healed to attract your beloved, but the actual answer is more complex.

Healing is an ongoing process of learning to be less judgmental and more compassionate with yourself. Healing pain isn’t just about the past – it’s primarily about how you are currently treating yourself. For example:

• If you judge yourself as not good enough, you will feel pain. While you might have learned to do this as a child from others who judged or rejected you, the fact that you are still doing it as an adult means that you are rejecting yourself and re-creating your pain. Your pain will not heal as long as you are rejecting yourself
  
• And, if you avoid your feelings by numbing them with various addictions, or you avoid them by staying focused in your mind and ignoring what is happening inside where your feelings are, you will feel rejected, abandoned, alone, empty, and needy. Again, you are re-creating the old pain of not being loved as you were growing up
  
• If you tend to make others responsible for your safety and self-worth, then they have to approve of you in order for you to feel that you are okay. Your feeling self – your inner child – feels abandoned by you when you give him or her away to others for approval.

As long as you continue to reject and abandon yourself, you will meet partners at your common level of self-abandonment – partners who are also rejecting and abandoning themselves. 

But…this person might be your beloved!

If both of you are open to learning to love yourselves, then your relationship has a good chance of evolving into a very loving relationship. Your old and current pain doesn’t have to be healed to meet your beloved. But…both of you need to be willing to do your own inner healing work.

The more you each learn to love yourselves rather than continue to reject and abandon yourselves, the more loving you will become with each other.

It’s not your level of pain that determines whether or not you meet your beloved – it’s your level of openness to learning how to heal old pain and take responsibility for how you might be creating your current pain. 

The crucial aspect in meeting your beloved is your intention.

Do you want to meet your beloved to learn to share love with each other, or to try to control getting love? When your intention is to learn to love yourself and take responsibility for your own pain and joy, you have a much better chance of meeting someone who is also on the path of healing and learning to share love.

Why? Because “Like attracts like.” The frequency of trying to get love is low, and you will attract others who are needy, self-abandoning, and trying to get someone else to love them in order for them to feel that they are okay. The frequency of wanting to learn to love yourself and share your love with your beloved is high, so you have a much better chance of attracting someone who wants to share love rather than just get love.

I hope you see that it’s not your level of unhealed pain that determines whether or not you attract your beloved, but your level of openness to taking responsibility for your own feelings and well-being.

Sometimes, a client or a person at one of my events is in a relationship, but not sure if they are in the right relationship. They want to do their inner work, but they are afraid if they grow, they will end up alone.

My client Peggy had been married to James for 14 years when she first consulted with me for help with her relationship and her anxiety.

“I can’t stand being in this marriage anymore,” she told me. “We have two wonderful children, and I don’t want to break up this family, but I’m miserable and anxious much of the time. I feel like I’m always walking on eggshells, and I can’t be myself.” 

“What are you afraid would happen if you are yourself?” I asked.

“I know it sounds crazy,” she said, “because a part of me wants out of this marriage, but I’m afraid that James would leave, and I would be alone the rest of my life. I think that if I take care of myself and do what makes me happy, instead of taking care of his feelings and needs, he will leave. I’m afraid to find out that he really doesn’t love me – that the only reason he is with me is because of how I take care of him. If I stopped letting him dump his anxiety onto me and I stopped having sex when I don’t feel turned on to him, he will leave. He gets furious at me when I say no to sex. I’m afraid to find out that he really doesn’t care about my happiness at all – that he just wants me to give myself up for him.”

“Peggy, it sounds like you are telling yourself two things that are making you feel miserable and anxious. One is that if you don’t take responsibility for James’ feelings, he will leave you, and the other is that you will not be okay if he leaves you.

“Your misery and anxiety are your inner guidance system, letting you know that what you are telling yourself is not helpful to you. It is not in alignment with your highest good, and, quite possibly, it’s not even true. So let’s start with your belief that you will not be okay if James leaves. Are you sure this is true?”

“Actually,” she said, “I know it isn’t true. I love being alone, and financially there is enough money that I would be okay. And I know that James loves our children and would never abandon them.”

“So if you tell yourself that you will be fine if James leaves, then how do you feel?” I asked her.

“That feels good! I know that is the truth!” she said with a smile.

“Okay, then if that is the truth, what do you have to lose by being yourself?” I asked her.

“I’m scared to death to find out that James doesn’t really love me. I guess it’s not about being alone after all, but about not being loved,” she answered.

“Peggy, please go inside and ask your inner child if she feels loved by you when you give yourself up to please James and you do not let her be herself.”

“No,” she said, “she doesn’t feel loved at all! She hates it when I don’t take care of her and take care of him instead.”

“So,” I asked her, “do you think it is possible that even if you found out that James doesn’t love you, that loving yourself would make things okay for you?”

“Yes!” she excitedly answered.

Peggy started to take the risk of loving herself. She started to practice Inner Bonding and learned to take care of herself around James.  She stopped being available for him dump his anxiety onto her and made love only when she felt like it.

At first James was angry, but when he discovered that his anger didn’t get him anywhere, he became interested in learning Inner Bonding and started to take better care of himself. Instead of discovering that she had to give herself up to be loved by James, Peggy discovered that loving herself worked wonders in their marriage!

If Peggy had left James without doing her inner work, she would likely have taken her caretaking with her into another relationship and ended up with many of the same problems. By doing her inner work within her marriage, she discovered that James was her beloved! But before she could recognize James as her beloved, first she had to become her own beloved. 

I hope you can see how important it is to be open to learning about loving yourself in order to attract the love of your life.

I invite you to learn how to attract the partner of your dreams with my 30-Day video Course: “Attracting your Beloved.”

And here are some testimonials from people who have taken this course:

“I loved loved loved this 30 days of attracting your beloved. I am 68 and have not had a real love relationship. It’s what I desire. Thank you so much it was a God thing for me to take this. I feel sad that it is over. I just loved everything about it.” Nancy K

“Thank you so much, Margaret, for this wonderful course! It has helped me become aware of the reasons why I am still alone, in spite of wanting so much to be in a loving romantic relationship. I’ve learnt so much! And you’ve given us fantastic clues to change this pattern. Thanks for all those insights! They were a game changer for me.” Christina

There are many more testimonials for this course and you can read them by clicking on this link in the transcript: https://www.innerbonding.com/list-testimonial/16/1/attracting-your-beloved-30-day-course.html

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.