S2 EP292 – Your Wounded Self is Not Compatible with Anyone

Hello everyone, and welcome to the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’m Dr. Margaret Paul and I’m so glad you’re here with me today. Today I am speaking about the fact that no one likes our wounded self, and we don’t like others’ wounded self, so the wounded self isn’t compatible with anyone, yet most people frequently operate from their wounded self, especially in relationships. 

This is something I’ve seen over and over again in my 56 years of working with individuals, couples, and families. The part of us we call the wounded self – the part that developed when we were very young as a way to survive hurt, rejection, or abandonment – this part of us is not who we truly are. It’s not our essence, our true soul self, our beautiful inner child. And when we lead with our wounded self in relationships, we are simply not compatible with anyone – not with our partner, not with our friends, not with our children, and not even with ourselves.

Today we’re going to explore why that’s true, how it shows up in our relationships, and what you can do to begin to shift from your wounded self to your loving adult, so you can experience true connection and compatibility.

Let’s start by really looking at what the wounded self is.

Your wounded self was born in childhood. It developed when you were small and vulnerable, and you needed ways to survive in a world that may not have always been safe or loving. Maybe you experienced criticism, neglect, rejection, or various other forms of abuse, such as physical or sexual abuse. Maybe your parents were loving in some ways but emotionally unavailable in others. Whatever it was, your little child self came up with strategies to protect you, and many false beliefs that may still currently be governing your behavior – beliefs such as that you’re not good enough, you’re not important, you’re not lovable, and beliefs about how you need to be to have control over getting love, avoiding pain, and feeling safe.

This part of us learned to control, to judge, to defend, to avoid. Some of us learned to withdraw when we felt hurt. Others learned to lash out in anger. Some became people-pleasers, always trying to make others happy so we wouldn’t be rejected. Others turned to addictions – food, alcohol, work, social media – to avoid our painful feelings.

But here’s the thing: while the wounded self helped us survive when we were little, it doesn’t help us thrive as adults. It blocks love. It blocks intimacy. It blocks the joy of being who we really are.

Please take a deep breath right now and bring to mind a time recently when you felt upset, hurt, or anxious in a relationship…. Now notice: how did you respond?… Did you criticize? Withdraw? Fawn? Give yourself up? Defend? Lie? That’s your wounded self at work. Just notice – without judgment – how that feels in your body…

This is why I say the wounded self is not compatible with anyone.

True compatibility requires openness, compassion, and a willingness to learn. It requires two people who are available to share love and connection. But the wounded self isn’t open. It isn’t compassionate. It isn’t interested in learning. The wounded self is only interested in protection, control, and avoidance.

So when you show up in a relationship from your wounded self, you can’t really connect. You can’t truly see or hear the other person, and you can’t allow yourself to be seen and heard either.

Think about it: if you’re in your wounded self, you might be trying to control the other person – by criticizing them, withdrawing from them, blaming them, caretaking them, or trying to fix them. Or you might be trying to protect yourself by hiding, shutting down, or numbing out.

When this is happening, no matter what the other person does, it won’t feel compatible because you can’t connect with another person when you are angry, shut down, blaming, fawning, and so on. Your wounded self doesn’t know how to love, or to accept love. It only knows how to defend and control.

And even if two people’s wounded selves seem to “fit” – like, for example, someone who likes to dominate and someone who complies – that isn’t real compatibility or connection. That’s just two wounded selves colluding in dysfunction. Real compatibility can only happen when two loving adults show up with themselves and with each other.

Think about a relationship in your life where you sometimes feel frustrated, unseen, or lonely. Ask yourself quietly:
“Am I showing up as my wounded self here?”…be honest with yourself.
“Am I trying to control, protect, or avoid my painful feelings?”… again, be honest with yourself.
Notice what comes up for you…

Let me give you a few examples, because sometimes it’s easier to see this in action.

Imagine a couple where one partner is very critical. They point out what the other is doing wrong, they nag, they judge. The other partner becomes defensive, explaining, justifying, or shutting down. Neither person feels safe. Neither feels seen. That’s the wounded self at work – and there’s no compatibility there, because there is no way to connect with yourself and with each other.

Or take another couple: both of them avoid conflict. Whenever tension arises, they each retreat. On the surface, it may look peaceful. But underneath, there’s disconnection, loneliness, and a lack of intimacy. Again – that’s the wounded self in action.

Or imagine someone who turns to alcohol, TV, or social media to avoid their feelings. Their partner ends up feeling lonely and invisible to their partner. There’s no real meeting, no real intimacy – because the wounded self is running the show.

Do you see how the wounded self can never create true compatibility? It only perpetuates loneliness, conflict, or superficial relating.

Bring to mind a time you felt disconnected from someone you care about. Instead of putting your eyes on them and blaming them, gently ask yourself:
“How might my wounded self have been active in that moment?” Breathe into the awareness… Again, be honest with yourself, without judgment… You can’t learn about your wounded self and the false beliefs that fuel your disconnected, controlling, unloving behavior when you judge yourself or anyone else. And you can’t make new decisions without becoming aware of your wounded self and the underlying false beliefs.

Now take a moment to go a little deeper into the beliefs that are fueling your unloving behavior. What do you believe about getting angry?… Do you believe this will give you control over getting love and avoiding pain. Do you believe you can control your partner or others with anger? Your partner might comply, but what happens to the connection between you? Is it really compliance you want, or is it sharing love you want? You can’t share love by getting angry.

What do you believe about compliance – about giving yourself up?… Do you believe that you can control getting love and connection with your partner by going along with what they want, even if it means sacrificing yourself? Do you believe that having control over getting love is possible? Do you believe that getting love is what brings joy rather than loving yourself and sharing your love with others? Do you believe that you are being loving when you comply and caretake others? I used to believe this – that I was being loving when I was giving myself up and caretaking others, but all I was actually doing was giving others permission to treat me as badly as I was treating myself.

What do you believe about withdrawal or resistance?… Do you believe that you can punish your partner into loving you or doing what you want by withdrawing your love? Do you believe that resisting their control is loving to you, rather than tuning into your feelings and needs and taking responsibility for them?

Can you see that there is no way to connect and share love when acting from the false beliefs of your wounded self?

So what’s the alternative? How do we move from incompatibility to true, loving connection?

This is where Inner Bonding comes in.

Step one is awareness: noticing when you’re in your wounded self. You’ll know it by the feelings – anxiety, depression anger, shame, guilt, defensiveness, withdrawal, feeling alone and empty inside, feeling resentful or bitter, or feeling jealous or envious. These painful wounded feelings let you know that you are in your wounded self, abandoning yourself rather than loving yourself.

Step two is choosing your intent. Am I here to protect myself? Or am I here to learn – to learn about myself, my feelings, and what is loving? What is your highest priority – to control and avoid, or to evolve in your ability to love? Which is what my guidance told me is why we are here on the planet.

Step three is connecting with your feelings, your inner child. You gently ask, “What am I telling you and how am I treating you from my wounded self that is causing the wounded feelings?” You then listen within, becoming aware of how you are abandoning yourself by ignoring yourself, or judging yourself, or numbing your feelings with addictions, or blaming your partner for your feelings and trying to control them. 

Then go deeper into your young or adolescent wounded parts and explore what you are trying to control, avoid, or protect against with your protective, unloving behavior. Here is where you become aware of the false beliefs – the “why” underneath your controlling behavior. For example, you might become aware that you believe you have a right to be angry, to dump it on your partner, and that this will give you the control you want to get love and avoid pain.

Then move into Step four, which is opening to your higher guidance. This might be God, spirit, your own older wiser self, a spiritual teacher – whatever works for you. It’s about accessing a source of love and wisdom greater than the wounded self. You are asking your higher guidance what is the truth about the false beliefs you’ve uncovered, and what would be loving to your inner child.

Step five is taking the loving actions guided by spirit. Maybe the action is speaking up honestly. Maybe it’s taking a walk. Maybe it’s setting a boundary and taking action on the boundary. Maybe it’s offering compassion to yourself or to your partner. Maybe it’s reading an Inner Bonding book or taking an Inner Bonding course or receive facilitation for the healing of your wounded self. 

If you take a loving action, or even imagine taking it, how do you feel? This is Step Six – evaluating the action. Did this action bring you some relief, some peace, some joy and connection with yourself and your partner?

This process shifts you from your wounded self into your loving adult. And when two people are each practicing this, compatibility and connection blossom. You’re no longer relating from fear and protection – you’re relating from love and truth. Even if just one of you is doing your inner work, you might be able to shift into a more loving system. The system must shift if you are no longer operating primarily from your wounded self.

The more you practice Inner Bonding, the more you create new neural pathways in your higher brain for the loving adult, and over time and practice, it becomes much easier to stay open and loving rather than continue to revert to the unloving and controlling behavior of your wounded self.

If you feel that you are not compatible, consider that your wounded self isn’t compatible with anyone. When you fell in love with your partner and your partner fell in love with you, it was your true soul selves you fell in love with – not your wounded selves. But relationships trigger everything that is unhealed – all the fears and false beliefs of the wounded self. If you each do your inner work, you can use your relationship to help each other heal your wounded selves, but if you don’t open to learning about your wounded self, you might feel that you and your partner are not compatible. But you might be very compatible if you were both open to learning about your wounded selves, and helping each other to heal your wounded selves. 

Right now, place your hand gently on your heart.
Take a deep breath, and imagine your inner child inside you. Ask them softly:
“What are you feeling? What do you need from me right now?”
Then imagine opening a channel above your head to your higher guidance. Ask:
“What would be loving to me right now?”
Stay quiet for a moment and allow any sense, image, or gentle knowing to come.

From a spiritual perspective, our essence – our soul, our true self, our inner child – is always compatible with others’ essence. Spirit, love, and truth are universal connectors, and our soul is a unique expression of spirit, filled with love and truth. When you meet someone from your essence to their essence, and there is sexual chemistry between you, that’s when you might fall in love.

But the wounded self blocks this. It shuts down the flow of love. When we move into our loving adult, we re-open that flow, and we discover a profound sense of compatibility with others who are also open and loving.

So let’s come back to our core truth today: Your wounded self is not compatible with anyone. Not your partner, not your friends, not your children, and not you. But your loving adult – that part of you that’s connected with spirit, open, compassionate, and willing to learn – that part of you is deeply compatible with friends, family, a partner, and with anyone else who is also open and loving.

Now take a moment now to reflect.

• When do you notice your wounded self showing up in your relationships?
• How does it impact the way you connect with others?
• Are you willing to practice Inner Bonding today, even in small ways, to shift into love?

Remember, healing your wounded self not only transforms your relationships – it transforms your whole life.

Thank you for joining me today. I hope you take these reflections into your day, and I invite you to continue your Inner Bonding practice. 

I hope you join me for my bi-monthly MasterCircle and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership. This experience will greatly help you to move from your wounded self into your loving adult and learn what it means to love yourself.

As always, I’m sending you my love and blessings on your healing journey.