S2 EP296 – The Breakdown of Partnership: Trying to Get Love Rather Than Share Love

Hi everyone, and welcome to the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’m Dr. Margaret Paul and I’m so glad to be here with you today. Our topic is one that lies at the very heart of relationships: the breakdown of partnership due to trying to get love rather than sharing love.

Partnership – true partnership – is about two people who come together to share love, to support each other’s growth, to have each other’s back, to share companionship, to share the everyday challenges of life, to play together, make love, and to create something beautiful together. 

But for many of us, relationships break down because instead of sharing love, we are trying to have control over getting it, as well as getting approval, attention, and validation. We want someone else to fill our emptiness, define our worth, and make us feel safe.

And when our focus is on getting love rather than sharing love, the very foundation of partnership begins to crumble. Think about this for a moment: when you think about being in a relationship, why do you want to be in it? Is it to get filled up by the other person, or to share your own fullness? Is it to get love, or share the love within you that comes from having learned to love yourself. 

In today’s episode, I want to explore:

• Why trying to get love doesn’t work to create a loving relationship.
• How this may be showing up in your daily relationships.
• The difference between getting and sharing love.
• And how the practice of Inner Bonding can move you from trying to get love from an empty place within, to truly offering love from a full heart.

By the end, I hope you’ll have a much clearer sense of how to create the kind of loving partnership your heart desires.

Let’s start by understanding what I mean by “trying to get love.”

When we’re children, we’re dependent on others for love. We need our parents or caregivers to hold us, feed us, reassure us, and show us that we matter. And when they don’t, we feel a deep aloneness ad emptiness inside.

As little children, we can’t fill ourselves up. So we learn strategies to try to get love from the outside:

• We please.
• We perform.
• We rebel.
• We withdraw.
• We have a temper tantrum.
• We blame.
• We achieve.

All of these are attempts to control others so they will give us the love and attention we need to thrive.

And unless you heal, you carry these strategies into your adult relationships. You may find yourself constantly trying to get attention and approval from your partner. Or trying to get them to have sex with you to validate that you are okay. You likely try various ways of manipulating them – sometimes subtly, sometimes overtly – so you don’t have to feel the aloneness and emptiness inside.

Take a breath right now. Ask yourself gently: “In my relationships, do I sometimes try to get love rather than share it? Do I notice myself seeking attention, validation, or approval?” Don’t judge yourself. Just notice.

Now, why does this break down partnership?

Partnership thrives on equality – two loving adults each bringing their fullness to the relationship. Each person is responsible for their own feelings and needs, and they come together to share their love, their joy, and their creativity.

But when one or both people are focused on getting love, the balance is lost. Instead of being equals, one person becomes the taker, and the other becomes the caretaker – or both try to take at the same time, or both try to caretake at the same time.

• If you’re trying to get love, you’re not really seeing your partner. You’re mostly seeing what you can get from them.
• If you’re trying to get love, you’re not in your loving adult. You’re in your wounded self – focused on trying to have control over getting what you want.
• If you’re trying to get love, you’re not open to spirit. You’re closed, needy, and empty.

This dynamic creates resentment, frustration, and disconnection. Over time, the foundation of partnership erodes.

Think of a time when someone was trying to get something from you – maybe approval, maybe reassurance, maybe attention. Did you feel open and loving, or did you feel burdened, maybe even resentful? Notice how that feels in your body.

I recently read an article in Buzzfeed called “37 Things Women Are Soooooooo Tired Of Explaining To Men Over And Over And Over And Over Again,” by Hannah Dobrogosz. The article came from a question posted in Reddit that asked, “Women of Reddit, what do men just not get?” There were many replies, and I want to share some of these with you.

Some women were upset that men often don’t listen to their feelings and instead try to fix them. They want to be heard, not fixed, and men often seem to be focused on problem solving. This is about trying to control rather than love and connect. Trying to fix your partner isn’t the same thing as being open to learning with them. And, in my experience, men sometimes have the same complaint about women. It’s not just men who try to fix and problem-solve rather than listen, support, and learn.

A number of women complained about the lack of true communication, such as being willing to discuss issues before they become fights. Again, many of my men clients have the same complaint.

Women complained that their man doesn’t think to relieve her of chores or the kids once in a while, and how much it would mean to them if they thought to do the laundry, cook dinner, do the dishes, or take the kids on an outing on a weekend day. One woman said, “The ultimate foreplay for a married woman is being surprised by her husband taking one of ‘her duties’ off her hands that day.” And she went on to say, “And believe me, your thoughtful/helpful efforts will be repaid in the bedroom. That’s what most of us find to be sexy.” And, of course, this has to do with true partnership – caring about and taking action on what your partner really needs.

Another woman said, “If you are in a relationship with a woman and having issues in the bedroom, take a good, hard look at how the other parts of your relationship are working. Chances are, there’s a reason the desire is dwindling that isn’t just related to sex.” Desire dwindles, for both men and women, when connection falters due to controlling rather than loving behavior.

It’s obvious in this article that the lack of sharing responsibilities is a big issue with many women, and as I said, it can also be a big issue with many men.

Another woman said, “”Truly sharing household and domestic tasks means doing them unprompted. I don’t want to have to ask you to tidy up, answer questions if it’s your turn to cook, constantly manage social calendars, and remind you of things. My brain needs a break, too, and taking initiative means a lot.”

And another woman said, “There’s no such thing as ‘helping’ a woman with housework. That presumes it’s primarily her responsibility and dominion. Nothing that is your equitable share is ‘helping.’ To that end, one eight-hour workday does not entitle you to a full-time maid, parent, household manager, cook, or all that. That is not equitable.”

Another woman talking about the same topic said, “Don’t complete a common task around the house, say like doing the dishes, and then announce, ‘I did the dishes for you.’ Did you not use some of those dishes? Can you imagine if a woman announced everything she did and added ‘for you’ each time?”

Other women spoke about not wanting to be only the emotional support for her husband – that she was trained from birth to do this for men and no longer wanted that responsibility.

One woman said, “The women you’re close to are not your therapists, and constantly treating them as such is incredibly tiring. I am very happy to talk you through your problems, but not if the only time you reach out to me is to talk about yourself.”

One women said she was trained to think of men as protectors, yet she never felt protected by a man. She said, “we just know that if something bad happens to us, people will first ask why we even ‘put ourselves in that situation.’” Women are often blamed if men are abusive.

Another woman said, “We are not your mommy! Grow up and be a man. Make decisions, learn how to make appointments, and go places by yourself.” Women expressed being tired of mothering a manchild – a Peter Pan type of man. One woman said, “”Men can’t expect their girlfriends and wives to make lists of chores, remind them of appointments, and otherwise carry the entire mental load of their shared life and household, and still consider themselves leaders, in charge, and the ‘man of the house.'”

These women obviously feel a lack of partnership, which has led many successful women over 40 to let go of looking for a relationship. In an article in Newsbreak, called “12 honest truths why older women quit dating for good” By Ephraim Miles, women talk about why they don’t want a partner.

Like many of the woman in the previous article stated, “She’s done being an unpaid therapist for grown men.” The article goes on to state that, “Many women are walking away from dating because they’re exhausted by the expectation that they will serve as a partner’s sole emotional support system. This isn’t just about being a good listener; it’s a pervasive dynamic that researchers have now given a name: ‘mankeeping’.

“Mankeeping describes the intense, unreciprocated emotional labor women perform in many heterosexual relationships. It means managing a partner’s stress, decoding their moods, and being their one-person crisis team for feelings they won’t share with anyone else. This trend is closely linked to what experts are calling the ‘male loneliness epidemic,”’ where a decline in close male friendships means men often offload their entire emotional world onto their romantic partner.”

These woman also mention the Peter Pan Syndrome – a term for men who refuse to grow up, may be financially unstable, and lack emotional depth. Successful women don’t want to deal with a manchild.

Another reason many women give up on dating is what the article calls weaponized incompetence. The article states, “This is when a partner deliberately performs a task poorly to avoid being asked to do it ever again.

“It’s the classic, ‘Oh, I’m just not good at folding clothes, you do it so much better,’ after leaving a wrinkled mess. Or, ‘I always mess up the grocery list,’ so he never has to shop again…. This behavior is incredibly damaging. It breeds resentment, destroys trust, and creates a deeply unfair imbalance in the relationship. The statistics are telling: one study found that in heterosexual marriages, women end up with seven more hours of housework per week, while men gain one less hour.” Perhaps you can begin to see why a successful woman might not want a relationship.

I had never heard the term, “weaponized incompetence,” but I certainly knew about it first hand in my long marriage. It is indeed very frustrating and leads to distance and resentment, as well as often feeling overburdened with all there is to do without true partnership.

The articles states that successful women don’t want to jeopardize their hard-earned financial security by marrying. They want to keep control over their own finances.

The article also states that “Many women have discovered that a life free from relationship drama, conflict, and compromise is profoundly peaceful, and they are unwilling to trade that tranquility for a partner. This isn’t about loneliness; it’s about a cherished state of solitude.” 

But as I’ve stated, it’s not just men who are not good partners. Many young women, especially Gen-Z women, just want to be taken care of. A number of young women I know dress like a hooker to attract a man to take care of her. One of these young women has many tattoos and piercings that she shows off by hardly wearing any clothes – a clear message that she will give sex in exchange for financial support.

All of this comes from a lack of partnership, and this lack of partnership often stems from both toxic masculinity, which is the complaint of many women, as well as toxic femininity, such as women who just want to be taken care of and give themselves up to attract a caretaking man. 

This is why the divorce rate, as recently stated in the Los Angeles Times, is at 54%.

Bring to mind one of your own relationships. Can you see where trying to get love – either on your part or the other person’s part – has created disconnection and a lack of partnership?

So let’s really clarify the difference.

Getting love is about control. It comes from the wounded self, from the emptiness inside. It says, “I’m not okay, so I need you to make me okay.”

Sharing love is about fullness. It comes from the loving adult, connected to spirit. It says, “I’m caring for myself so I’m filled with love inside, and now I want to share this love with you.”

The energy is completely different.

Getting love feels heavy, needy, and grasping. Sharing love feels light, joyful, and expansive.

And only when two people are focused on sharing love can true equality and partnership flourish.

Right now, place your hand on your heart. Honestly ask yourself: “Am I more often trying to get love, or am I filling myself with love and sharing it?” “Do I want equality in my relationship, or do I want to be taken care of?” “Am I willing to learn to take physical, emotional, spiritual, organizational, financial, and relational responsibility, or do I feel entitled for someone to take care of me physically, emotionally, organizationally, or financially?” Am I operating from the entitlement of toxic masculinity or toxic femininity, or do I truly want equality and partnership?

When people lived in small villages, partnership was built in. Everyone did what they were good at doing and there was always a sense of shared responsibility for food, chores, and children. No one made their partner their therapist. Women had quilting groups where they could share with other women. Men, too, had men friends, and worked with other men or found ways of supporting each other. Of course, all of this was far easier in small communities where emotional or physical support was often available. It’s so much harder today, which is why it’s now so important to be doing your inner work.

Moving from trying to get love to sharing love and creating true equality and partnership is part of the heart of Inner Bonding.

When you fill yourself with love through Inner Bonding, you no longer need to get it from others. You become free to share it. And that’s when true partnership becomes possible.

Take a deep breath. Place your hand on your heart. Imagine your inner child looking at you and saying, “Please don’t make me responsible for getting love from others. Please love me yourself.”

Now imagine turning to spirit and hearing, “You are my beloved. You are whole. You are worthy.” And then imagine treating yourself as you would treat a person who you know is a loving and worthy person.

Notice how your body feels as you let this truth in.

From a spiritual perspective, love is not something you get. Love is who you are. It flows through you from your higher power when you’re open to learning about loving yourself and sharing your love with others, and it’s blocked when your heart is closed.

When you try to get love, you’re blocking spirit’s flow. You’re saying, “I am empty, and only you can fill me.” You are making your partner your higher power rather than opening to your own higher power. But when you open to spirit, you realize, “I can fill myself with love, that I can then share with you.” 

This is the foundation of true partnership: two souls, each filled with spirit’s love, choosing to share that love freely with one another.

So let’s come back to our theme: The breakdown of partnership comes from self-abandonment and then trying to get the love that you are not giving to yourself.

When you try to get love, you move into control, emptiness, and disconnection. Partnership erodes.

When you learn to love yourself through Inner Bonding and open to spirit, you fill with love. And from that fullness, you can share. That’s when true equality and partnership flourishes.

I invite you to heal your relationships with my 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love. This powerful course will be a great help in creating loving partnership.

As always, I’m sending you my love and my blessings.