S2 EP273 – Friendship: Challenges and Cherishing

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding podcast. Today I’m speaking about the value of friendship, and I thought about talking about this because of a very unique experience I have with a group of friends.

When I was in junior high school in Los Angeles, I had a very tight group of friends. There were seven of us and we did many things together, including having lunch together on the lawn of our school every day. We spent time at each other’s’ houses, when on trips with each other, and were there for each other in many ways. We were deeply connected with each other.

Over the years, I lost touch with them. Then, about five years ago during COVID, one of them contacted me about all of us meeting monthly on Zoom. 

We have now been meeting monthly for the last 5 years, and we all love the fact that we can meet on Zoom and stay connected with each other. There is something about knowing someone well when you are young that creates a very deep connection, even after all these years, and also that we are all the same age. We laugh together, we cry together, and we look out for each other. I know that if I needed one of them, she would get on a plane and come help me.

When I share this experience with other friends, they look at me wistfully, wishing they also had a loving group of old friends. We are all 85, and we’ve all known each other since we were 12. And one of them was my best friend when I was 8 years old.

Too often, when people get into a romantic relationship, they let their friendships go. I encourage you not to do this. Our friendships are a very important part of having community, which research shows is vital for good health.

However, often it’s hard to find good friends. My clients and people at my events often ask me why it’s so hard for them to find friends.    

My client, Isabella, asked this question in one of our sessions.

Isabella, 25 and very attractive, was having this common problem of not being able to make friends. Sometimes, if people don’t keep their high school friends or meet friends in college or at work, they have trouble making friends.

Yet there are many people who seem to be able to make friends wherever they go. What is the difference between Isabella and these people who easily make friends?

Actually, there is a big difference.

The difference has to do with intention – with WHY a person wants to be friends.

Take a moment to go inside and be honest with yourself. Which is more important to you regarding making friends: to get caring or to share caring?

It was obvious to me that Isabella’s desire to have friends came from her ego wounded self. She wanted friends to fill her up, to entertain her and make her laugh, and to approve of her. She did not think of friendship in terms of what she had to offer, but of what she could get.

I thought of Chloe, another one of my clients, who had recently moved to a new city and already had a few really close friends. What was the difference between Isabella and Chloe?

Chloe is a naturally giving and caring person, with a quick and open smile. She is a good listener and is the kind of person that you just know would be there for you if you needed her. The major difference between Isabella and Chloe is that Isabella has a big black hole inside her, while Chloe is full of love inside.

This is because Isabella makes others responsible for her feelings of worth and safety, while Chloe takes responsibility for her own sense of worth and safety. The result is that people feel pulled on by Isabella to fill her up and they back away from the pull, while they feel safe opening up with Chloe because they intuitively feel that she doesn’t need anything from them.

“Isabella,” I asked her, “what is your idea of a friend?”

“A friend is there for you when you need her. She listens to you and wants to spend fun time with you,” she answered

“And” I asked her, “what is your idea of being a friend? What do you see yourself offering as a friend?”

There was silence. 

“What are you thinking, Isabella?” I asked.

“I’ve never thought about being a friend. I’ve just thought about having a friend,” she said.

“It sounds like you want a friend to get caring rather than to share caring – is that right?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said, “I guess so. Is that wrong?”

“It’s neither right or wrong,” I said. “It just doesn’t work well. Why would someone want a one way friendship with you?”

“I never looked at it that way,” she said.

“Isabella, you don’t have any friends because you have an emptiness in you that pulls on others to fill it up. No one wants the responsibility of filling up your emptiness. Until you learn to be loving to yourself and take responsibility for your own feelings of worth and safety, you will be pulling on others to do this for you, and they will back off from you. They will not be attracted to your neediness.”

“So what do I need to do to make friends?” she asked.

“You need to make friends with yourself first, by learning and practicing Inner Bonding – learning and practicing how to take loving care of your own feelings and define your own worth. Are you willing to do this?” I asked her.

“Yes!” she said enthusiastically.

Isabella did do her Inner Bonding work and was so gratified to find herself gradually making some friends. It took time, but it was worth it!

Friendship is a big topic. There are people who always seem to have many friends, and others who can’t seem to find friends. Some people have deeply connected friendships, and others have only superficial acquaintances, which again comes down to intention.

Jayne asked this question at one of my events:

When it comes to friendship, I sometimes hesitate to call a friend out of fear that I’m reaching out too frequently. Now that I have been practicing Inner Bonding, I am aware of how I have reached out to friends from a needy place. I really want to connect with my friends, but part of me hesitates because I don’t want to reach out from an empty place anymore. How can I differentiate from my wanting to reach out for connection from a full place versus an empty place?”

This is a great question. One important thing to ask yourself when you want to reach out to a friend is, “Why do I want to get together with this person?”

If you are being honest with yourself and you are coming from neediness and emptiness, the answer might be that you want to get something – attention, connection, approval, or validation. If you are questioning yourself about the frequency of reaching out, then it is likely that you are reaching out from an empty place.

When you want to get together with a friend to share something, such as fun, caring, connection, or support for each other, you are likely coming from a full place within. You can’t connect with another if you are disconnected from yourself, so you either want to get connection or to share connection. Are you reaching out, as Jayne says, for connection, or to share from your connected place?

When you want to share your caring with a friend, you don’t need to worry about how often you are reaching out. We all love genuine caring, and it never feels like too much – as long as it’s true caring. But here it can get tricky: are you caring to get something back, or are you caring from a full heart that doesn’t expect anything back? 

Often, people who are needy will act caring in order to get caring – giving to get. When this is the case, the other person doesn’t feel cared about. Instead, they feel pulled at and drained.

Sondra, another one of my clients, recently said to me:

“There is a woman in my life, Lacey, who I’ve known for a long time. She has no friends, and she considers me her best friend. But I don’t even consider her a friend. Whenever I talk with her on the phone, she talks and I listen and I end up feeing drained. She keeps telling me how much she loves me, but this doesn’t feel like love. I don’t want to hurt her, but I don’t want to talk with her anymore.”

The good reason Lacey has no friends is that she calls to get attention, not to give or share caring. But she tries to hide her intent by saying she loves Sondra, but we cannot hide our intent. Sondra feels anything but cared about.

If you don’t have friends, then start on the path of becoming your own best friend. As you learn to love and value yourself, you will naturally become more caring of others. As you learn to fill yourself with love, you will naturally have love to share with others. Then you don’t need to wonder why you don’t have friends or wonder how frequently it’s okay to reach out to them.

The following is an article on our website written by one of our facilitators who has since passed on:

(Quote) “When I reflect back on my life, I can see that some of my friendships were high maintenance, very few no maintenance at all, and others in between. High maintenance friendships were first to go once I stopped caretaking. It was very scary. Fears of alienation and of ending up alone were my loyal companions for quite a while. They got very intense any time I would choose me, not the other person.  

“I knew that all relationships are mirrors, and they are there to teach us. I also read that the more a person becomes whole, different kind of people will enter their life. My problem was that I had a lack of faith in that. I just could not see it happening. Once I started practicing Inner Bonding, I wanted a friend who I could share with, learn with, and compare notes. But that was not happening either. Then one day, while I was ruminating over the “friendship” issue, a voice asked me:  Would you want to be a friend to yourself? Would you like to spend time with yourself?  I was puzzled but still answered the questions. The answers were no. This saddened me a lot. I realized that I had been severely brainwashed that a person needs others in order to be happy, and it’s selfish to love and take care of oneself. Love comes from others. 

“This put me on the path of becoming a friend with my inner child. I discovered that I was very unfriendly to her. I was so caring to others, but I would abandon her at the drop of a hat. Some really painful feelings came up but nevertheless I persisted to become a friend to myself. Every time I would feel that inner pull for validation from others, my guidance would throw a U turn sign at me telling me to give to my inner child what I expect from others. 

“With time it become easier, and after a while I did notice that the friendships that survived jumped on a new level, especially no maintenance friendships. Suddenly people opened up to me and vice versa. I found out that some of my friends were on their healing journey as well, and we started to exchange our experiences. Before I went to a 5 day intensive, I told my child: we are not going there to try to find a friend and connect to people. We are going there to learn and enjoy. And I kept it that way. And this is when I met my Inner Bonding friend. 

“We started to talk every Sunday. This triggered the wounded self in both of us. My wounded self was telling me this is not going to last, do not have high hope, etc. Her wounded self was telling her: Once she finds out your level of Inner Bonding, she will not want to Inner Bond with you. We acknowledged those false beliefs and kept being in touch. We take turns in doing the steps, discussing our understanding of the process and other issues that come up. And it is really amazing to witness someone’s change and how our wounded self operates or how it looks like when loving action is coming from guidance vs. wounded self.   

“When the journey gets tough, we guide each other through the steps and insist on asking guidance for the truth. In those moments just a gentle reminder that there is a reason for a pain, and nobody died from opening up to it is of great help. Current culture uses many means to suppress the pain so opening up to it triggers the wounded self who starts to sow doubts and whispers: ‘you cannot do it, it is not worth it, you will die, etc.’ Yet it is essential if we are to heal and grow. The other amazing thing is that we do not pretend but openly explore our wounds and false beliefs. There is a great sense of safety, and willingness to learn that allows us to verbalize our deepest and darkest secrets and fears. This always surprises the one who is listening, as we do not see that darkness and flaws in which the other firmly believes.   

“This kind of friendship has one more amazing thing. Not only that you get to know other person’s essence, but guidance as well. In moments when the person is connected to a guide, amazing wisdom comes through. Guides talk in very simple language but love and care can be felt in each word. 

“I asked my guidance why this did not happen earlier. The answer was very short: ‘You were not ready’, meaning I had to heal my caretaking first. I used to relate to the people from my persona, my wounded self, not my essence. And for a long time my loving action was: No defense and no pretense. This meant I had to become aware of how I act and clearly see my persona, my little caretaker. When I started changing that, my wounded self was not happy at all so she did everything to gain control back, mainly telling me that I will end up alone. 

“What I do understand now is that unless we cultivate within ourselves what we want, we cannot get it in the outer world. Once we start the process spirit supports us every step of the way. Spirit brings us the people that will help us grow. But the first step has to be ours.” 

This facilitator was a very beautiful person, and we were all so sad when she passed on.  

Sometimes my clients feel confused between romance and friendship. 

James, in his middle 30s, was ready to meet his life partner, get married and have children. After dating many women, he met Cindy.

“She is really beautiful, although I’m not sure she’s my type. But I think she is perfect for me. We have the same interests, the same values, we go to the same church, and we both want children. My friends who meet her think she’s dynamite.”

“But…?” I asked. I could see his hesitation in our Zoom session.

“I don’t know,” he said. ‘There doesn’t seem to be a spark, and I don’t miss her when I’m not with her. In fact, I rarely think about her when I’m not with her. And our conversation doesn’t seem to flow easily. We run out of things to talk about. Maybe the spark will grow. Does that ever happen?”

“Why not spend a little more time with her and see how you feel?” I suggested.

It became apparent within a few months that the spark was not going to grow, and the conversation was not going to flow. James still did not look forward to seeing Cindy.

“James,” I said,” “it doesn’t seem that this relationship is going to become what you want it to be. Perhaps it’s time to move on.”

James was suffering from a very common fear that often keeps people in romantic relationships that are really friendships, which is the fear of ending up alone, afraid he would not meet anyone as sweet as Cindy. He ended up staying in the relationship with her for two years before finding the courage to leave.

James and Cindy were wonderful friends, but not good life partners. Romance and chemistry just wasn’t there. He loved her, but he never felt in love with her.

Abigail found herself in the same position as James, only she had stayed in the relationship with Andrew for seven years, hoping that romance would grow. She knew at the beginning of the relationship that she was not sexually attracted to Andrew, but he was such a nice guy, and he really loved her.

The sad thing is that Abigail really wanted children, but by the time she finally left the relationship, she was very close to being too late to have children.

Why didn’t she leave sooner? Again, the fear of being alone.

“I hate being alone,” she told me. “I don’t know that I can be alone, and I’m afraid that I won’t find another partner. Besides, we are best friends.”

Both James and Abigail could have saved a lot of time if they had understood the difference between friendship and romance.

It’s my experience that if the spark and the flow aren’t there at the beginning, they generally won’t develop. I won’t say never, because I have seen a few relationships where the spark did develop over time, but this is generally not the case.  If the spark does not develop within the first six months of the relationship, then it’s time to move on – unless a companionship relationship is acceptable to you. But if spark, flow of conversation, and romance are important to you, then accept that you and your partner have a wonderful friendship but not a romance.

James soon met another woman, Sue, with whom he had romance. He was very attracted to her, and they could easily talk for hours. But he soon discovered that romance itself is also not enough. Sue did not share his spiritual beliefs, his values, or his interests. Her rigid religious beliefs deeply conflicted with his deep spiritual beliefs, and he knew he could not raise children with her beliefs. He realized within the first few months of the relationship that none of this was going to change so he moved on, now open to finding a woman with whom he can have it all.

“Am I too picky?” he asked me.

“No!” I answered. “Stay solid on what you want, and you will find it!” And he eventually did and is now married to his beloved and has a child on the way.

Another common issue regarding friendship is about whether you can be friends with an ex-partner.

Elise asked me this at one of my events:

“My partner and I separated a year ago. My partner now wants to finalize the relationship but work on being ‘friends’. I am having difficulty connecting as just ‘friends’, it seems to trigger all my old wounds of rejection and abandonment. Do you have any advice?”

What I said to her is “Elise, the fact that your old rejection and abandonment wounds are getting triggered is a great opportunity for you to become aware of how you are rejecting and abandoning yourself. This is the real issue in the present. Old rejection and abandonment wounds get healed when we learn to give ourselves the love, compassion, gentleness, tenderness, caring and understanding that we didn’t receive as children.

“As children, our parents or other caregivers created these wounds in us with their unloving behavior. Now, these triggered wounds likely indicate that you are treating yourself the way your parents treated you and themselves.

“Whether or not you want to continue to be friends with your former partner is a different issue. Is this a person you currently want to be friends with? You might not be able to answer this question until you have done some deep healing work on your abandonment issues. When you are no longer triggered into your woundedness when thinking about your ex, then you will be able to decide whether or not you want to be friends.

“There’s no hurry to make this decision. Right now, since your wounds are unhealed, you can let your ex know that you are not currently ready to be friends, as you have some healing work to do. Give yourself the time you need to heal your rejection and abandonment issues through your Inner Bonding work and then see how you feel.

“Even when you feel more healed regarding these issues, there may be issues between you that need to be resolved. Is there unfinished business with your ex? Would it be helpful for the two of you to have some sessions with a facilitator or therapist to get clear on what happened between you that resulted in the relationship ending? There is always much for each person to learn if both are open to learning about what didn’t work well in the relationship. Relationships are systems, with each person contributing equally to the system. Does each of you have a full understanding of the system you both created, and why it didn’t work?”

I have worked with many couples after they broke up – when both of them wanted to understand what they had done so that they would not create the same problems in their next relationship. It has always been extremely helpful to both people when they were open to learning about themselves and each other. For some, it was actually the very first time they were able to be truly open with each other. Sometimes it’s easier to be open when you are no longer invested in the relationship – when you no longer feel you have anything to lose.

How did each of you protect yourselves in your former system? Was one of you pulling and the other resisting? Was one angry and the other compliant? How were each of you trying to control each other? What feelings did you make the other responsible for? How did you each abandon yourselves in the relationship?

These are some of the issues you can explore if you are each open to learning. If you both are interested in learning, then in time it will become apparent whether or not you can remain friends or if it is in your highest good to move on.

I always suggest that you take advantage of an opportunity to learn and heal, and doing inner work with an ex is a wonderful opportunity, which may or may not lead to friendship. Some people can have a wonderful friendship with an ex, while for others friendship with an ex doesn’t work at all.

Close, connected friendships are a great gift, and I hope, if you are needing friends, that you do your Inner Bonding work to become a loving friend with yourself and with others.

I invite you to join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership. 

And, I invite you to join me for my 30-Day home study Course that teaches Inner Bonding: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”

And you can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from all of our books and courses and from our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.