S2 EP302 – Healing Social Anxiety

Hi everyone, and welcome to the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’m Dr. Margaret Paul I’m so glad you’re here with me today.

If you struggle with social anxiety, you likely know how painful and limiting it can be. You might dread social situations, replay conversations in your mind, feel intense self-consciousness, or fear that others are judging, rejecting, or criticizing you. You might feel like you never quite “fit in,” or that something is wrong with you.

Social anxiety isn’t just shyness. It can be a deep, pervasive fear of being seen, being evaluated, or being found “not good enough.”

Today, we’re going to explore:

• The deeper causes of social anxiety
• How childhood experiences and self-abandonment contribute to it
• How the wounded self keeps social anxiety going
• And how you can begin to heal social anxiety with Inner Bonding – by learning to love yourself, stay connected with yourself in social situations, and stop giving other people the power to define your worth.

As always, we’ll be talking about this with gentleness, compassion, and honesty. You are not alone in this. Many people suffer silently with social anxiety, and there is a path to healing, so let’s begin.

Let’s start by looking at what social anxiety really is – beneath the surface symptoms.

On the surface, social anxiety might look like:

• Fear of being judged or criticized
• Worry about saying the wrong thing
• Obsessing over how you appear
• Avoiding social interactions, parties, or groups
• Feeling shaky, tense, or blanking out when you talk
• Replaying conversations afterward and cringing inside

All of these are very real experiences. But underneath them lies something deeper.

Social anxiety looks like it’s coming the fear of rejection from others, but underneath this is the unconscious fact that you are rejecting yourself, coming from the belief that you are not good enough, and then projecting that out on to others. Coming from a deep level of self-rejection and self-abandonment, you then fear that if people really see you, they won’t like you. That there is something wrong with you. That you are inadequate, unlovable, or somehow flawed.

Social anxiety is not just about people “out there.” It’s about how you are treating yourself on the inner level.

If, deep inside, you are judging yourself, comparing yourself, shaming yourself, and making your worth dependent on others’ approval, then being around people might feel dangerous. It may feel like they have the power to confirm your worst fears about yourself.

If you are rejecting yourself on the inside, you will be terrified that others will reject you on the outside.

For example, Rob is 5’2” and decided a long time ago that he isn’t adequate due to his height – even though he is married to a lovely woman who loves him, has 2 children, and is financially successful. Whenever he is in a social situation, he obsesses about his height, which makes him so nervous that he sweats and sometimes even shakes. He does all he can to avoid social situations. Rob is rejecting and abandoning himself, which is creating his terror of being rejected.

Melissa believes that she is stupid, even though she did well in school. Due to her parents often calling her stupid, she absorbed this false belief and often harshly judges herself if she makes a mistake or doesn’t know something that she believes she should know. In social situations, she clams up, fearful of saying the wrong thing and being ridiculed. She is lonely and wants a relationship but does all she can to avoid social situations where she could meet someone. Melissa is rejecting and abandoning herself, which is creating her terror of being rejected.

Jan blushes easily and is highly judgmental toward herself about this. She is so afraid that people will think badly about her when she blushes that she avoids social situations.

Take a deep breath and ask yourself: “Do I fear that if people really see me and know me, they won’t like me?” And if you believe this, what do you believe is wrong with you? Just notice what comes to mind with no judgment – just awareness.

Social anxiety doesn’t come from nowhere. It has roots. For many people, social anxiety begins in childhood.

You might have:

• Been criticized, shamed, or compared to others
• Had parents who were anxious, critical, or perfectionistic
• Felt like you had to perform, be “good,” or be impressive to be loved
• Been bullied or rejected by peers
• Grown up in a family where feelings weren’t welcome or where you were told you were “too sensitive” or “too much” or “stupid” or inadequate in some way,

As a child, you needed to feel accepted, seen, and valued for who you are. If instead you were judged, ignored, or made wrong, you likely learned to doubt yourself and to see yourself through a critical lens.

Your ego wounded self – the part of you that formed to try to protect you – absorbed painful beliefs such as:

• “I’m not good enough.”
• “I’m weird.”
• “I have to say the right thing or people will reject me.”
• “I can’t be myself; it’s not safe.”
• “Other people are better than me.”

Social situations then become a kind of test – a test of your worth. Instead of seeing them as opportunities for connection, your wounded self sees them as dangerous arenas where you could be exposed, humiliated, or rejected.

And so, you armor up. You either avoid, or you overthink, or you freeze
inside, leaving your inner child scared and alone inside.

Take a moment to think back to your childhood. Did you feel safe being yourself? Or did you feel judged, unseen, or not good enough? Just let memories float up and hold them with tenderness…

Now, here is something very important: Social anxiety today is not just about what happened in the past. Now, it’s mostly about how you are treating yourself today. If, when you’re around others, you reject and abandon yourself, you will feel anxious – no matter how kind the other people are.

Self-abandonment can look like:

• Judging yourself: “That was stupid,” “Why did I say that?” “I sound boring.”
• Ignoring your feelings: Pushing down discomfort instead of acknowledging it and learning from it.
• Making others responsible for your worth: Needing them to validate you to feel okay.
• Trying to perform and impress instead of just being present.
• Pretending to be someone you’re not in order to fit in.

When you do this, your inner child, your true soul self, is left alone inside – scared, unprotected, and unseen by you. In that moment, other people’s reactions feel like life or death. Because you are not there for yourself.

The anxiety is actually a signal. It’s your soul – your inner child, saying, “Please stop abandoning me. I’m scared. I need your love and presence.”

If you go into a social situation already telling yourself that you’re inadequate, or that you have to perform, or that people won’t like you, your body will respond with anxiety, because it feels unsafe. When you start to show up for yourself as a compassionate loving adult, this begins to change.

Inner Bonding is a powerful process for healing social anxiety because it teaches you how to:

• Stay connected with yourself in social situations
• Take loving care of your scared inner child
• Stop defining your worth by others’ reactions
• Access spiritual guidance instead of believing your fearful thoughts
• Take loving action on your own behalf

We’ll walk through how each of the 6 Steps of Inner Bonding can help you heal social anxiety. As we go, I invite you to gently sense how each step could apply to your own experiences.

Step 1 is becoming aware of your feelings in social situations. It’s about noticing your feelings. When you feel social anxiety, your body is already telling you something. You might feel:

• Tightness in your chest
• A knot in your stomach
• Heat in your face and maybe sweating
• Trembling
• Racing thoughts
• Blushing

Instead of trying to push it away or judge it, Inner Bonding invites you to notice it, acknowledge it, turn toward it rather than away from it, and decide you want to learn what it’s telling you about what you are telling yourself and how you are treating yourself that is causing these anxious, fearful feelings. Right now, you might want to imagine doing this when you are in a social situation.

This is the beginning of connection with your inner child. Your anxiety is not your enemy. It’s information. It’s your inner child saying, “I don’t feel safe. Please pay attention to me.” 

Step 2 is choosing the intention to learn, rather than to control. Step 2 is a crucial shift: You consciously choose your intention.

In social anxiety, the wounded self is in charge, which means that, subconsciously or unconsciously, you have chosen the intention to control. The wounded self wants to control what others think of you and how they treat you. The wounded self wants control over getting approval and avoiding disapproval, and it also wants control over not feeling anxious.  

But the paradox is that when you try to control, your anxiety increases, because you’re trying to manage something you fundamentally cannot control, which is other people.

In Step 2, you consciously choose the intention to learn about the false beliefs that are causing your self-rejecting behavior that is the cause of your social anxiety, as well as what the truth is about the beliefs, and what is loving to you.

This intention opens the doorway to your loving adult. It opens your heart. Rather than attacking yourself for being anxious, you become curious.

This openness to learning about how you are causing your own anxiety is the beginning of healing your social anxiety.

As part of Step 2, you visualize your higher guidance and invite love and compassion into your heart.

Step 3 is dialoguing with your inner child and your wounded self 

You might place a hand on your heart, take a breath, and imagine your inner child – the part of you who feels small, scared, and vulnerable – right there with you.

You can ask: “What am I telling you and how am I treating you from our wounded self that is causing this intense anxiety?

Your inner child might say that your wounded self is saying things like:

“You’re not okay unless they like you and approve of you.”
“You better say the right things and don’t act stupid.”
“If you blush or sweat, everyone will know how insecure you are.”

Instead of arguing with your inner child or dismissing him or her, you listen with a compassionate intent to learn, reassuring your inner child that you are now learning about how you are causing your social anxiety.

Now go deeper into your wounded self, asking this young or adolescent part of you who has all your false beliefs, “What are you trying to control, avoid, and protect against with this self-rejecting, unloving behavior?”

Here is where you uncover the false beliefs driving your social anxiety. Your wounded self might believe that you’re not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough. Your wounded self might be telling your inner child things like:

• “They’re going to judge you.”
• “You’ll say something stupid.”
• “You don’t belong here. You’re not good enough for these people.”
• “They’re better than you.”
• “You’re not interesting. You’re boring.”
• “You’re too quiet, too loud, too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny, ugly.

The wounded self has many false beliefs that lead to anxiety. The anxiety is not random. It’s rooted in painful, untrue beliefs your wounded self has been telling your inner child for a long time.

Take a moment to think of a recent or imagined social situation that brings up anxiety. Ask inside, “What am I afraid will happen? What am I telling myself?” Open and listen…

Now move on to Step 4.

Step 4 is opening to your higher self or spiritual guidance about the truth and the loving action. Once you’ve listened to your inner child and uncovered the false beliefs, you then open to a higher source of truth.

In Step Four, you ask your higher self 

• “What is the truth about my worth?”
• “What is the truth about this situation?”
• “Do I actually have any control over what others think of me?”
• “Are others responsible for my sense of worth?”
• “How do you see me?”

From spirit – however you experience it: God, Love, Divine Guidance, Higher Power – you will never hear:

“You’re not enough.”
“You’re foolish.”
“You’re unlovable.”

Instead, you will receive messages like:

• “You are inherently worthy.”
• “You are My beloved.”
• “Your value does not depend on anyone’s opinion.”
• “You belong because you exist.”

You might receive a feeling of warmth, a gentle knowing, a sense of peace, or a phrase that arises in your mind. This step is essential, because it offers your inner child the real truth, rather than the wounded self’s lies.

Then ask your higher guidance, “What is loving to my inner child right now?” and listen for an answer. Your guidance may say things like:

• “Let your inner child know that he or she is a spark of the Divine and that you are perfect just as you are. Gently remind yourself that you are enough, whether others approve of you or not.”
  
• Breathe and stay present in your body instead of going up into your head.
  
• “Be interested in others rather than worrying about yourself. Ask people questions about themselves.”“Smile at people and be kind. Everyone likes to be treated kindly.”
• “There are others here who are also insecure – you are not the only one. Treat everyone with a welcoming energy.”
• “Listen to others rather than trying to impress them. Everyone longs to be seen and heard.”
• “Walk away from people who are judgmental or unkind.”
• “Give yourself permission to leave if you feel tired.”
• “Once you leave, be kind to yourself rather than critical.”

Then you need to take the loving actions at a social event, which is Step 5 of Inner Bonding. Insight alone is not enough. To truly heal social anxiety, you need to act on your own behalf, taking the actions suggested by your higher guidance. Loving action is about supporting your inner child, not pushing or shaming yourself.

You might say internally to your inner child before attending a social event,
“We’re going to this gathering, and I’ll stay with you the whole time. If you feel overwhelmed, we can take a break. You’re not alone in this anymore, and I will take the actions for you that our guidance suggested.”

When you consistently take actions that honor your feelings and your truth, your inner child begins to trust you. And as that trust grows, anxiety begins to lessen.

Once you attend a social event and take the loving actions suggested by your guidance, then move to Step 6, evaluating how you feel as a result of taking loving care of yourself.

You might ask:

• “How do I feel?”
• “Did my actions support my well-being?”
• “Do I feel more peaceful, lighter, or more connected with myself?”

If you feel relief and a sense of inner rightness, you know you have acted from your loving adult.

If you still feel anxious or heavy, it’s an invitation to gently explore again – maybe there’s another belief to uncover, another boundary to set, or another way to be kinder with yourself.

This is not about perfection. It’s about learning.

Each time you go through this process, you deepen your sense of inner safety and self-trust. And that is what gradually heals social anxiety.

Imagine for a moment what social situations could be like if you no longer abandoned yourself.

Imagine walking into a room and staying connected with your own heart, your own body, your own truth. Imagine feeling anchored in the knowing that your worth is not up for negotiation – that no one in that room has the power to define you.

Imagine shifting your focus from, “What will they think of me?”
to “How can I lovingly share myself here?” or “Is this environment loving to me?” This shift changes everything. Instead of trying to get approval or avoid disapproval, you are giving yourself the approval you need and are then able to listen to others and share your interest and caring with them.

Social anxiety cannot survive in an environment of deep self-love and inner safety. It may still whisper, but it no longer rules your life.

As you practice Inner Bonding, you gradually become your own safe haven.
You are no longer that unprotected child alone in a scary room. You are a loving adult, holding your inner child’s hand, guided by spirit.

Social anxiety is not a flaw. It’s not proof that something is wrong with you.
It is a signal that your inner child has been left alone with painful beliefs and is longing for your love.

When you:

• Tune into your feelings,
• Choose to learn rather than control,
• Listen compassionately to your inner child and discover your false beliefs,
• Open to the truth from spirit,
• Take loving action on your own behalf,
• And notice how your body and heart respond…

…which are the 6 steps of Inner Bonding, you are gradually healing the root causes of social anxiety.

You are becoming the loving presence you always needed. You are learning to bring your soul, your essence, into your relationships with others. You are discovering that you can be with people without rejecting and abandoning yourself.

Take a slow, deep breath and place your hand gently on your heart, and then say to your beautiful inner child:

“I am learning to be here for you, see you, value you, and love you. You are not alone in social situations anymore. Your worth is not determined by anyone else. As a spark of the Divine, you are lovable. You are enough. You belong.”

I invite you to join me for my 30-Day home study Course that teaches Inner Bonding: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships. This course will be a great help in healing social anxiety.”

Thank you for joining me today. I’m sending you love and blessings on your healing journey, and especially on your journey of healing social anxiety.