S2 EP311 – Emotional Responsibility: How Your Thoughts Affect Your Relationships

Hi everyone! I’m Dr. Margaret Paul and welcome to the Inner Bonding Podcast. Today I’m speaking about emotional responsibility and how your thoughts effect your relationships.

Are you aware that your thoughts have a huge effect on your relationships?  Most of our thoughts come from two different places – either from your ego wounded child or adolescent, which in Inner Bonding we call the wounded self, and who’s intention is to control, or from your loving adult, which is who you are when you are when you want to learn about loving yourself and others and are connected with a higher source of love and truth.

So here is how your thoughts effect your relationships: if your wounded self thinks: “I’m unlovable,” or “I’m not enough,” you might choose friends and a partner who treat you as unlovable or you tolerate behavior that confirms that belief. If your wounded self thinks “People will reject me,” you may act guarded, and others will feel that distance. If your wounded self thinks, “I have to give myself up to be loved,” you will feel empty and alone inside, and try to control with compliance.

If your loving adult thinks, “I deserve respect,” you will naturally set boundaries and choose people who honor them. If your loving adult thinks “My voice matters,” you will speak up – and attract people who value your honesty. Your inner thoughts create the outer patterns.

Your thoughts shape your energy and your presence. People feel your thoughts – not because they’re reading your mind, but because your thoughts shape your energy. When you’re thinking wounded thoughts, your frequency is low, causing your energy to contract and your face may tighten. You might seem unfriendly, closed off, tense, defensive, or guarded to others, and they might be put off by you

When you’re thinking true and loving thoughts, your energy opens and your face softens. Your presence expands as your frequency raises. People feel safe with you – and you feel safe within yourself.

Your thoughts radiate through your tone, gestures, posture, and presence. This is why loving adult thoughts make you more magnetic, grounded, and authentic.

Your thoughts also shape your connection with spirit, which also has a major impact on your relationships.

If the wounded self thinks, “I’m alone. There is no spiritual guidance,” or “I can’t trust anything,” or “I have to figure everything out myself,” or “I’m abandoned by God,” those thoughts create an inner state of aloneness –
 a disconnection from spirit, even though spirit has never left you – which leads to the neediness that then pulls on others and may cause them to pull away. Most people don’t want responsibility for another’s neediness.

The loving adult thinks thoughts like, “Spirit is here for me.” “I’m guided and loved.” “I can ask for help.” “I’m so thankful for my higher guidance.” And in that moment, you open to feeling the connection with your guidance, which opens your energy to others. 

Thoughts open or close your access to your spiritual guidance. Thoughts darken or illuminate your inner world. Thoughts make you spiritually receptive or spiritually blocked.

Understanding this is meant to be empowering – not blaming. It’s very important not to judge yourself for your wounded thoughts. You learned and absorbed them when you were growing up, and it’s not easy to be aware of them, especially when they are quiet background thoughts. But understanding that your thoughts are creative gives you an incredible opportunity to consciously choose which voice to feed, which voice to believe, which voice to follow.

It takes much practice to stop wounded thoughts from arising – but with awareness, you can choose to shift your intent from controlling to loving, which is what changes your thoughts.

Your inner world is shaped by the thoughts you believe, the words you speak to yourself, and the voice you choose to follow.

Remember, wounded thoughts create fear, and loving thoughts create peace. Wounded thoughts create contraction, while loving thoughts create expansion. Wounded thoughts create emotional pain, and loving thoughts create emotional safety. Wounded thoughts create disconnection from yourself, others and spirit. Loving true thoughts create a return to your soul and connection with loved ones.

Your thoughts are creative and when the loving adult leads, your entire life becomes a more loving creation.

Many people ask, “How do I know which voice I’m hearing?”

Here are some simple markers.

The wounded self is often loud, or it’s background noise. The loving adult is generally quiet, unless it’s warning you of something. Fear sometimes shouts, while love often whispers.

The wounded self uses pressure, while the loving adult gives space.

“Don’t mess up!” is wounded.
 “Take your time; I’m with you,” is loving adult.

The wounded self might speak in absolutes, such as, “You always ruin things.” “No one will accept you.”

The loving adult thoughts speak in truth and compassion.

The wounded self blames, judges, and compares, while the loving adult accepts, observes, is grateful, and supports.

The wounded self feels heavy in the body. It brings tension in the chest, stomach, or throat. The loving adult creates expansion, relaxation, openness, and connection.

The wounded self is focused on the past or future. The loving adult is present in this moment.

The wounded self tries to control. The loving adult tries to learn and love.

When you learn these differences, you begin to see the inner dynamic clearly. And when you can recognize the wounded voice, you hopefully no longer feel compelled to believe it.
 
 Think of a situation you’ve struggled with recently….. Now identify: “What did my wounded self say? What would a loving adult say instead?” There’s no need to be perfect – just open and explore.

You might wonder, “If the loving adult voice is so wise, why don’t I hear it more?” The answer is because the wounded self has been running the show for a very long time. It’s the voice you practiced as a child to survive emotionally. It feels familiar. It feels automatic. It feels like “you.”

But it’s not you. It’s your conditioning.

The wounded self is fueled by fear – which grabs your attention quickly. It speaks in catastrophes, which the brain is wired to notice. It was reinforced by early caregivers and social environments. It believes it must control to keep you safe.

But here’s the good news: Your loving adult grows stronger every time you turn toward love, compassion, gratitude, honesty, and presence. The loving adult may start as a whisper, but with practice, it becomes the dominant voice inside you.

Let’s explore how you can make the shift from wounded thoughts to loving thoughts – not through force, but through awareness and choice.

Become aware of the wounded thoughts without judgment, thinking, “Oh, I see – that’s my wounded self saying I’m not good enough.” Naming it reduces its power.

Acknowledge the fear underneath, asking, “What is this part of me afraid will happen?” Often it’s the fear of rejection, failure, or unworthiness.

Bring compassion to the part of you that is scared, saying something like, “I understand why you feel this way. You learned this long ago.” This opens your heart.

Then ask, “What is the truth?” “What would love say about this?” “What would spirit say?” “What would a truly loving parent say to this wounded child inside?” Then speak the loving truth internally. You might say:
 “You are enough.” “You don’t need to perform.” “I’m here with you, you’re not alone.” “Your worth is not up for negotiation.” “You are being guided.” “We are the light.”

Then act from the loving thought. This could be setting a boundary, resting, speaking honestly, expressing gratitude, simply placing a hand on your heart, or holding a doll or stuffed animal, bringing comfort to your inner child.

Shifting to loving adult thoughts changes how you feel and how you show up – in every area of your life, including your relationships, When your loving adult becomes the dominant inner voice, everything changes.

You begin to feel:

• More peaceful
• Less reactive
• More confident
• More connected with spirit
• Less afraid of conflict
• More grounded in truth
• Less dependent on others’ approval
• More able to set boundaries
• More loving toward yourself and others

You stop abandoning yourself. You stop believing lies about your worth.
 You stop giving fear the microphone. Most importantly, you start to feel safe inside yourself.

Imagine living each day hearing:

 “I’ve got you.”
 “You’re worthy.”
 “We can handle this.”
 “We’re not alone.”
 “I’m here.”

This is what the loving adult brings to your life. And when you live from this voice, life becomes calmer, clearer, far more joyful, and you experience one of the greatest experiences in life – the sharing of love

So today we explored loving adult thoughts vs. wounded self thoughts as it affects your relationships.

The wounded self speaks urgently and fearfully – but it does not speak the truth. The loving adult speaks quietly, clearly, and compassionately – and always reflects your true worth.

Your task is not to silence the wounded self, but to stop letting it lead your life. When you recognize the inner voices and choose the one rooted in love, you create the conditions for healing, peace, spiritual connection, and manifestation.

Take a breath with me…Place your hand on your heart…And gently say:

“I’m learning to choose the voice of love.
 I’m learning to choose the voice of truth.
 I’m learning to choose to be my own loving adult.”

I invite you to heal your relationships with my 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love.

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Thank you for joining me today.
 I’m sending you my love and my blessings on your healing journey.