S2 EP242 – Heart-Centered Holidays: Overcoming Stress and Loneliness

Transcription:

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here and welcome to the Inner Bonding Podcast. With the holidays upon us, I want to address some of the issues that often come up with my clients during the holidays, and how to manage them to reduce stress and experience the joy that the season of giving can offer you.

The holidays are supposed to be a time of celebration when friends and families get together to share food, fun, gifts and love. They are supposed to be a time of giving, caring, and connection when we celebrate important and meaningful events.

Why, then, are they often so stressful and what can we do to make them more fun and peaceful?

Changing the holiday season, or any celebrations, from stressful to peaceful depends upon one thing, and maybe you guessed it. Whether celebrations are stressful or peaceful depends on your intent, which is whatever is most important to you in any particular moment or situation.

As those of you who practice Inner Bonding know, at any given moment, we are always in one of two intentions. Put in simple terms, it is either more important to you in any given moment to:

1) Be open to learning about loving yourself and others, or
2) Have control over getting love or approval and avoid pain. 

Tiffany, one of my clients, came in for her session stressed. She has been practicing Inner Bonding, so she did understand what it means to be loving to herself. 

“Oh my God,” she said. “I’ve got so much to do! How am I going to get all this done?” 

“What happens if you don’t get it all done?” I asked.

“People will be upset with me,” she answered.

“So are you stressing yourself out in order to meet others’ expectations of you, instead of loving yourself?” I asked her.

She looked at me stunned. “Yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing. And that’s what’s making my stomach hurt. I’m not staying present with me at all, or even thinking at all about what’s loving to myself. I just keep thinking that I have to do everything right so that my husband and my kids and my parents and my friends who are coming for Christmas won’t be upset with me.”

“So you are focused outside yourself trying to meet others’ expectations instead of tuning into what you want and what feels right and loving to you – is that right?” She nodded. “And that’s making your inner child feel abandoned?”

“Yes! My inner child is completely left out and she doesn’t like that at all. And I don’t blame her. I’m not loving myself at all. I wonder why I do this?”

“There must be a good reason. When did you start to feel that you had to abandon yourself and focus on meeting others’ expectations?”

“Oh that’s clear. My mother always had rigid expectations of me and got angry with me when I didn’t meet them. She still does this today.”

“So are you telling your inner child that everyone is like your mother and that you have to meet all their expectations, so they won’t be angry with you and disappointed in you?”

“Yes, that is what I’m telling myself. And I know this isn’t true. It’s really just my mother who gets angry, but she gets angry anyway, even when I think I’m meeting her expectations! Wow! I’ve been doing this forever and it always completely stresses me out! Today I’m going to tune into what I want rather than what I think others want.”

“How does that feel?

“It feels great! It feels freeing and exciting! My inner child is excited about getting to do what she wants rather than forcing myself to do what I think others want.”

Take a moment to think about how often you make your choices based on others’ actual or imagined expectations. This is a form of control and is the opposite of loving yourself. This holiday season, and in the coming year, see if you can become more aware of abandoning yourself and consciously shift your intent from getting others’ approval and avoiding their disapproval, to loving yourself by tuning into how you feel and what you want, and taking responsibility for your feelings.

It’s takes courage to love yourself rather than trying to meet others’ expectations, but the rewards are great. There is no joy and freedom in trying to meet others’ expectations.

This year, give yourself the gift of becoming fiercely and relentlessly devoted to loving yourself. You might be very surprised at what happens. You might find that when you genuinely listen to your own feelings, wants, and needs, and take loving actions on your own behalf, others are often appreciative rather than upset. Many people can feel the energy of people-pleasing and feel controlled by it and may even go into resistance to you. But there is nothing to resist when you are genuinely loving yourself and sharing your love with others.

Your intent determines your behavior and many of your feelings. Here’s another example.

Yvette is married with two children. Yvette grew up in a family where she was trained to define her self-worth through other’s approval, so Yvette believes that if others value what she does, she is okay, but if they don’t, then she is unworthy and unlovable. Therefore, Yvette’s almost constant intent is to have control over getting love and approval. She does this by trying to do everything perfectly – the house has to be perfect; the food has to be perfect, and she has to get everyone perfect gifts. She believes that if everything is perfect, she can have control over how others feel about her, and she will get the approval she believes she needs to feel worthy.

The problem is that trying to do everything perfectly creates a lot of stress. Whatever means she uses – whether it be perfection, compliance, anger or blame – there is no way to not be stressed when her intent is to have control over getting love and approval, and avoiding disapproval, instead of loving herself,

Because Yvette does not know how to define her own worth, she feels empty inside until she gets approval. Once she gets the approval, she feels a moment of fullness, which rapidly disappears, and she then needs to fill up again with more approval. Others around her feel her pull for approval and may feel uncomfortable in the face of it. They may like what she does for them, but they may not feel loved by her giving to them to get their approval.

My client, Deena, is also married with children. Deena also grew up to believe that her worth was based on others’ approval. However, Deena has done enough Inner Bonding to have learned to define her own worth. Because she is no longer dependent upon others’ approval to define her worth, she is free to express herself in ways that are loving to herself and others. Rather than worrying about what anyone will think of her, Deena joyfully goes about decorating, cooking, and buying presents because it’s fun for her to do so. For Deena, the holidays are an opportunity to express herself and her love for others. Because she is defining and expressing her own worth, she feels full inside. 

Because Deena receives such joy from expressing herself and giving to others without needing anything in return to feel worthy, others feel loved by her giving. While others may be stressed if they are giving to get approval, Deena herself remains peaceful and joyful.

We all have a choice each moment to decide who we want to be – a person who is trying to have control over getting love and approval and avoiding approval, or a person who is giving love to yourself and others. Who you decide to be determines much of how you feel. If your intent is to get love and approval, then you may think that others determine all of your feelings, but it is really your own intent that is responsible for much of how you end up feeling.

Why not start now noticing your intent and practicing Inner Bonding? Why not do all you can right now to have a wonderful holiday season! 

Or you can choose the intent to control and make sure you don’t have a wonderful celebration, like in this example.

My clients, Adriann and Alan are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as many couples do. Recently, just two weeks before the holidays, they had a particularly hurtful argument. Adriann had expressed her unhappiness about Alan’s busy schedule and the limited time he finds to spend with her. As usual, Alan promised to try harder, and they got through the argument. But having not dealt with the real issues at hand, the problem was bound to resurface. Adriann unknowingly began planting the seeds for their next bout when she decided to bring up the subject of their Chanukah celebration, as well as their anniversary, which was just a few days before the beginning of Chanukah.

“Alan, I just wanted to remind you that next Friday is our anniversary and it’s really important that we plan something special for it, and then there’s the beginning of Chanukah.”

Alan took a deep breath and responded, “Adriann, you know I don’t really get into celebrations. I thought you understood that I’m not good at planning things like that.”

“Oh come on Alan. It’s really important to me.” Nearly pleading, Adriann continued. “When you really love someone, you try to do what is important to them, right? I made the plans last year and now it’s your turn. Why don’t you surprise me with something really romantic for our anniversary! Okay?”

Silent and distant, Alan gave a slight nod, which was all the assurance Adriann needed that this anniversary would be exceptional, and that they would have a nice holiday. Finally, the day arrived. Alan had agreed to be home by six o clock. By twenty past six, Adriann was anxious. With each glance at the clock, her pacing quickened. At last, Alan walked through the door looking tense and clutching a bouquet of red roses and a box of chocolates. Adriann took the roses and the chocolates with a wary smile, anticipating what was coming next. Without even so much as a glance, Alan sank into the couch, grabbing the remote control. Adriann watched intently, feeling her blood turn to ice.

“That’s it?” she asked.

“That’s what?” he said.

“That’s it? It’s our anniversary! Adriann’s tone grew sharp. “You said you would plan something special and romantic, and this is it?”

“I never said I would do anything,” Alan retorted. “I told you it wasn’t my thing to plan things like this.”

“Don’t lie to me! You nodded yes!”

“No, I didn’t. I didn’t agree to anything. You always want me to prove that I love you. I hate that! Even if I did want to do something for our anniversary, I certainly wouldn’t want to after you tell me you expect it!” Sullenly, Alan turned back to the TV. “You take all the fun out of everything.”

Adriann dissolved into tears. “Well, if you knew how to show me you loved me, I wouldn’t have to say anything.” Without a word, Alan turned off the TV and left the house.

Once again, Adriann and Alan were left feeling unheard and unappreciated. Their conditioned response was to blame each other for their hurt feelings and angry behavior.

In order to understand how things went so wrong, we need to look at the interaction in terms of their intention to learn or their intention to control.

Adriann started out trying to control Alan by making him feel guilty. Alan, not wanting to be controlled and not able to communicate how being controlled makes him feel, moved into resistance, which is his form having control over not being controlled. Adriann thinks that laying on more guilt, which is controlling, will accomplish her objective to have a romantic anniversary. Since Alan is frustrated with his inability to express his brewing feelings, he moves into silence – also a form of control. Finally, when Alan comes home late and sits on the sofa, he demonstrated being passive aggressive, another form of control, to which Adriann responded with anger – more control. Alan used more resistance, and Adriann used more anger and guilting. Alan got defensive, also a form of control, and disappeared – another form of control. Attack – resist, blame – defend, on and on and on. Sound familiar?

Neither Alan nor Adriann wants to hurt each other. Unfortunately, they are also not open to learning about their own feelings and behaviors, or each other’s. Resorting to controlling behavior keeps them under the illusion of “safety” eliminating the need to effectively communicate their fears. Fear is what motivates their intention to control and in the face of fear, their love dissipates. The problem is that fear is never a trustworthy motivation, unless it’s fear of real and present danger.

It would be easy to blame Adriann for their problems – if only she didn’t get so needy and angry, everything would be fine. It’s just as easy to blame Alan – if only he was more attentive and caring. Yet until both of them are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings, and until loving themselves and each other is more important than controlling or not being controlled, their conflicts will continue, guaranteeing stressful celebrations. 

Instead of each person taking full responsibility for his or her own happiness and unhappiness, they give that job to each other.

The act of taking personal responsibility has nothing to do with blame or fault. Each person taking full responsibility eliminates the need to be right, which is an essential step toward a mature and reasonable outcome. What if Adriann had started with, “Alan, I love celebrating our anniversary and Chanukah, and I know you have a problem with celebrations. Can we talk about what would work for both of us?” And what if Alan had responded to Adriann’s initial controlling statements with caring and openness instead of resistance, such as, “Honey, you know I don’t like celebrations, so please don’t expect me to plan something. Let’s talk about how we can make it work for both of us.” Either one of them could have moved into an intent to learn and taken responsibility for creating what they wanted – and ended up with a wonderful anniversary and holiday season!

What were celebrations like in your home? Were they fun, connected family times that you looked forward to, or was there something about these times that made you dread them?

The holidays are upon us. How are you feeling about them?

Are you feeling excited because holidays were so much fun in your home when you were growing up? Do you love the rituals, the decorations, the love and the sharing of gifts?

Are you feeling neutral about the holidays because you didn’t do much to celebrate in your home and you’ve never much gotten into celebrations or rituals?

Do you dread the holidays because you feel so lonely? Was your experience that there never was anyone to connect with as a child and there is no one to connect with now?

Are holidays not fun for you because you hate buying gifts? Were you pressured into giving gifts to your family and nothing was ever good enough? Do you still feel that pressure and it’s just not fun?

Do you dread the holidays because it was over special occasions that you were most abused?

Did you used to like holidays when they were simple, but now with all the commercialism, you’ve come to dislike them?

Or…

Do you love giving to others on the holidays? Does it bring you great joy to purchase gifts for your family and to give to others who are needy?

Do you look forward to holidays as a time to rest and rejuvenate and share love with those you care about?

For those of you who don’t look forward to the holidays, or who even dread them, I encourage you to do the following for yourself:

This holiday season, provide your own inner child with the kind of celebration you wished you had as a child. Tune inside and ask what your little girl or boy would have loved as a child and provide that for yourself now. Does your inner child want to:

• Get a beautiful tree and decorations and enjoy decorating
  
• Buy fun outside decorations and lights
  
• Be creative and make your own decorations
  
• Be creative and design your own rituals
  
• Invite friends over
  
• Buy yourself some gifts – things you’ve always wanted
  
• Give to others by organizing food, clothing, or toy drives for children
  
• Give to others by helping a women’s shelter, an assisted living home, a children’s hospital, or a soup kitchen
  
• Mend connections with family members or make amends to someone you have hurt
  
• Go on a wonderful vacation
  
• Go to a retreat center that has a community celebration
  
• Go to an amusement park or someplace like a zoo
  

The first thing that needs to happen for you to heal any celebration phobia or anxiety that you might have, is to compassionately embrace the very good reasons you have for not liking celebrations.

The second thing you need to do is decide if you want to just ignore the holidays, or if you want to actively heal your celebration phobia or anxiety.
It’s perfectly okay if you tune into your feelings and find that you just want to leave holidays alone, but if you find that there is a yearning to have what you didn’t have as a child, then I hope you take loving actions on your own behalf.

This means going inside and opening to learning about what your inner child would love to do. If money is an issue, then find something that doesn’t cost much that would still be fun for your inner child. You will find that if you create the kind of celebration that your inner child always wanted, much healing can take place.

For many people, the biggest challenge over the holidays is being alone – being single or newly divorced and without family around you. 

Holidays are a time to share love, and many people end up feeling depressed when they do not have people around with whom to show their love. If you are in this situation, there are things you can do to make the holidays joyous rather than depressing. The key phrase here is share love, because the act of giving your love is so very fulfilling. 

My client Amanda had grown up very lonely in an emotionally distant family, with parents who did not freely give their love and relatives who were also cold and distant. She had married an emotionally distant man, and after 13 years of more loneliness, had decided to leave him. This was her first holiday season alone.

Amanda decided that she was not going to be alone and lonely again this holiday season. She did some research on service agencies that needed volunteers and discovered a women’s shelter in her area for women and their children who were hiding from physically abusive husbands. The shelter was badly in need of funds for food, which Amanda didn’t have. What she did have was the time to help gather food. Each day, after her job as a secretary, Amanda went around to the markets in her area until she found some willing to donate Christmas dinners for the mothers and their children. 

Then, on Christmas Day, she spent her time at the shelter cooking, decorating, serving, and having Christmas dinner with these brave women who had left their abusive husbands to save themselves and their children. It was the best Christmas she ever had! By choosing to share her love with people who needed her, instead of feeling alone and lonely, she felt filled with love

There are many ways to share love. My friend Edward was in a similar situation to Amanda. He was single, had been an only child to parents who were no longer alive, and had no close relatives. His janitorial business did not give him much opportunity to make friends. Edward had spent many lonely holidays feeling isolated and depressed, and decided a few years ago to do something about it.

Edward loved animals. As a child, his dog had been his main connection with love. After some research, Edward discovered that there was a wonderful animal shelter within a half-hour of his home – a shelter that loved and cared for animals and didn’t euthanize them. Edward started to volunteer one day a week on the weekends – cleaning, feeding, playing with puppies and kittens, helping to interview people who wanted to adopt a pet, and getting to know the other volunteers. He found that he really connected with the people who volunteered there. Many of them were loving people who were deeply devoted to caring for animals. As his friendships developed, he found he had a new sense of family centered around the shelter. Thanksgiving and Christmas were now sometimes spent with the other volunteers who did not have families, and sometimes with the families of some of the volunteers.

Edward’s life has become full and fulfilling. He is currently dating a woman who also volunteers at the animal shelter.

No matter what your life situation is, you can always share your love with others. Instead of feeling alone and lonely this holiday season, open your heart to giving. There are many people and animals out there who would welcome your love.

The joy of the holiday season is about the love you share. Our hearts get filled to the brim with love when we give and share love – way more than when we get love. If you are alone over the holidays, the question becomes, “How can I give love in ways that will bring me joy?”

Here are some suggestions for giving your love and caring over the holidays:

• Gather toys from friends and store donations and bring them to children who would not otherwise have toys. You can find these children through schools, churches and various other organizations. 
• As Amanda did, find a battered women’s shelter in your area and help to create the holiday there.
• Find a way to connect with old people in nursing homes, especially those who have no family. Caring about another lonely person will go a long way toward taking away your loneliness.
• Volunteer to help distribute food to the hungry over Christmas. Many people are in great need of food and there are organizations gathering food to give away.
• Locate a retreat center near you that has a special event over the holidays and share your time with other people who are also alone for the holidays. One year a friend of mine, who had just left her husband and was alone for the first time with no family around her, went to a beautiful retreat center. Twenty people gathered there to share Christmas together. There was a wonderful ceremony of gratitude that she said filled her heart, and she enjoyed sharing time with new people.
  

One of my all-time favorite movies is “A Christmas Carol” – the one starring Alistair Sim. I just love the scene on Christmas morning when Scrooge realizes that no time has passed, and he has the opportunity to give. He feels such joy at the prospect of giving that he can hardly stand it! He dances around and stands on his head and laughs and laughs with the joy of giving! In one night he went from being a miserable old man concerned only with getting, to a man now focused only on giving, and he became a joyful person.

While you might not have money to give, we all have caring to give. You have no idea how much you might enrich your own life as well as another person’s life just by giving your time, your attention, your interest, your smile, your understanding. Whatever your life circumstances, you always have the opportunity to give your caring. You will discover that giving your caring to others is a profound way of caring about yourself

Who do you want to be this holiday season? You get to choose

Do you want to be a person who chooses your actions according to your fears of rejection, of getting hurt, of ridicule, or of being taken advantage of? Or do you want to be a person who chooses your actions from your deep desire to be a kind, loving, caring person? Of course, it all comes down to your intention. This Holiday Season, take a chance and devote yourself to being loving to yourself and others. Consciously shift out of your intent to protect against being hurt or used and into the intent to be open and caring with yourself and others. You will be deeply rewarded by a wonderful sense of inner peace, fulfillment, and joy! 

I invite you to join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership. 

And, I invite you to join me for my 30-Day home study Course that teaches Inner Bonding: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”

And you can learn so much about loving yourself, creating loving relationships, and healing from my newest book, “Lonely No More: The Astonishing Power of Inner Bonding” and from our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.