S2 EP266 – Transforming Jealousy into Inner Security and Self-Worth

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. One of the issues that often comes up with my clients and people who attend my events is jealousy, and this is what I want to address today regarding both the causes of jealousy and how to heal this distressing experience.

A woman named Carla asked me this question at one of my events:

(Quote) “My husband has become friends with the woman next door and when he talks with her, I feel crazy with jealousy. I don’t think it’s right that he’s friends with her. He knows it upsets me, but he keeps doing it anyway. How can I get him to care more about how I feel?” (Unquote)

Carla wasn’t asking me the right question. The right question would have been, “How can heal my jealousy?” rather than how to have control over getting her husband to care about how she feels. She is making her husband responsible for her feelings of jealousy and expecting him to caretake her by not being friends with the woman next door, rather than taking responsibility for healing her own insecurity.

I can’t even begin to count how often both men and women say something similar to me. Jealousy is often a major source of conflict in relationships, as in these examples.

(quote)”I know that my boyfriend loves me, but he has a lot of women friends. I don’t get why he has to have so many women friends. I get scared and jealous when he spends time with another woman. I know I should trust him, but I don’t, and I don’t know what to do about this.”(unquote)

(Quote) “My wife is a very social person and makes friends easily, with both men and women. I keep feeling that one of these days she is going to meet a man who offers her more than I do. I feel insanely jealous whenever another man even looks at her. What do I do about these feelings?” (unquote)

I frequently receive questions from people asking how they can stop feeling so jealous.

Jealousy comes from the false belief of the wounded self that you are not good enough in some way, such as not attractive enough, not smart enough, not successful enough, or from the core false belief of the wounded self that there is something essentially wrong with you.

Many of us grew up believing that we were not good enough. When we didn’t receive the love we needed from our parents or other caregivers, we may have falsely concluded that it was because there was something wrong with us, rather than because they just didn’t know how to be loving. We all absorbed many false beliefs about our adequacy and lovability from our parents, siblings, peers, teachers, religious leaders, and the media.

Most of us didn’t receive mirroring for our beautiful true soul self – the unique spark of the Divine within each of us. Our parents and others may have projected onto us their judgments of themselves, so they couldn’t see and value us. If you had been seen and deeply valued and loved for who you really are in your soul essence, you would deeply value yourself and you would know why your partner loves you. You would feel secure rather than insecure. You would not compare yourself to others. You would not feel one-down to others, nor would you feel one-up. When you know who you truly are, you know that you are a very special and unique expression of the Divine, and that your partner loves you for who you uniquely are.

Jealousy is caused by not knowing who you really are.

By whom you really are, I mean your true self, your essence – the soul aspect of you that is created in the image of the love that is God. Your essence is a beautiful and perfect individualized expression of the Divine – deeply lovable and loving. But if you don’t know your own essence, then you think you are your wounded self.

Your wounded self – your ego – is your conditioned, programmed self. This is the self we all developed as we were growing up to try to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. Our wounded self is controlling and judgmental. Our wounded self is not lovable. When someone loves us, it is our essence that they love, not our wounded self. However, while people who love you see your essence, you might not. If your parents were unable to see your essence because they could not see their own, then you grew up thinking that your essence is unworthy and that you are your wounded self. There is no way to feel secure when you think you are your wounded self.

Healing jealousy means that you need to learn to see and value your beautiful essence. When you know and cherish your essence, then you know why your partner loves you, and your fears of being replaced go away. You understand that you are not replaceable. But you can lose your partner to another person when you are consistently operating from your wounded self, which, as I said, isn’t lovable.

In her Zoom session with me, Katy was completely perplexed about her jealousy.

“As you know, I broke up with my boyfriend, Jared, 6 months ago. By the time I broke up with him, I was really done with the relationship, and I have no desire to be with him. But last week I found out that he has a girlfriend, and I feel jealous! I can’t figure this out. It makes no sense to me at all.”

I asked Katy to open to learning with the jealous part of her – an aspect of her wounded self.

Katy’s 12-year-old wounded self quickly started to talk.

“I always want to be the favorite,” she said. “I wanted to be Mom and Dad’s favorite, and I was always upset when my brother seemed to be the favorite. Even though I don’t want to be with Jared, I want to be his favorite. As long as he didn’t have a girlfriend, I still felt like I was his favorite.”

When asked what being the favorite means to her, she answered, “It means that I’m better than other people. I always want to be the special one. I don’t like it when I’m with my friends and they pay more attention to their children or even their dog than they do to me. I know that it sounds crazy, but I hate it when my best friend brings her dog along when we get together. I feel upset about the attention she gives her dog!”

Katy was not valuing herself. Her jealousy was a symptom of her own inner abandonment. What her inner child was saying to her was, “I don’t feel at all special or important to you. I am not your favorite. You don’t think much of me. You rarely pay attention to me.” She was projecting her inner child’s need to feel special to her adult on to other people, making others her loving adult.

When you are not loving yourself, your wounded self might look to others for confirmation of worth. To your wounded self, who may constantly compare you to others, being “better than” – which may be determined by getting special attention from others – validates your worth.

Because Katy had spent most of her life making others responsible for her self-worth by trying to get their attention and approval, her inner child felt abandoned and worthless. Of course she felt jealous! And she would continue to feel jealous until she felt loved and valued by loving adult Katy.

As Katy began to devote herself to practicing Inner Bonding, she started to recognize her own beautiful qualities and take care of her own feelings. The more she did this, the more loved and special her inner child felt. One day her inner little girl said to her, “I know that you love me. I know that I am your favorite. And I love you too.” Katy tearfully reported to me that she did indeed love her inner child, and that jealousy was no longer an issue for her.

Feelings such as jealousy are always a symptom of inner abandonment. Jealousy, insecurity, neediness, fear of rejection, feeling one-down and less than – these feelings are not the actual issue. They are the symptoms of the fact that you are abandoning yourself through self-judgment, not attending to your feelings, ignoring them or using addictions to numb them, and making others responsible for your feelings of safety, lovability, and worth.

No other person can ever take away these painful feelings. No other person can make up to you the lack of valuing you might have experienced as a child. No matter how much others love and value you, as long as you are not loving and valuing yourself, you will feel unsafe, insecure, and likely jealous.

Your inner child will always have a need to feel special – to you.

From the time my client Jennifer was a little child, she was demanding of attention, especially from her mother, Sarah. With two older brothers, Jennifer had a “special” place in the family as the baby and the only girl. She made sure to establish a “special” relationship with her mother, who relished the connection since she didn’t have much of a relationship with her emotionally distant husband.

It was easy for Jennifer to control her mother’s attention. Because her mother was needy for emotional connection and afraid of not being liked, all Jennifer had to do was get angry at her mother and Sarah would capitulate, giving Jennifer the attention she craved. Jennifer learned early to control her mother by becoming angry, critical, and withholding love when her mother didn’t do what she wanted. Unwittingly, Sarah contributed to Jennifer’s neediness, entitlement issues, and the belief that happiness was dependent on approval and attention from others.

Jennifer, now in her late 30’s, finds herself continuing the pattern she started with her mother – attaching to others in needy and demanding ways, and getting jealous when her partner looked at another woman. The result is she has not been able to have a successful relationship with any of the men she has dated.

We all have a need to feel special. It is not the need that’s dysfunctional, it’s how we go about getting the need met that can be either dysfunctional or healthy. It’s dysfunctional when we make others responsible for making us feel special. When others have to give us attention, compliment us, seek us out and attend to our wants and needs in order for us to feel special and not get jealous, our behavior is dysfunctional.

You will stop pulling on others to make you feel special, and stop feeling jealous, only when you accept the full responsibility of learning to love yourself and make yourself feel special. This means learning to give yourself all that you may be trying to get from others – treating yourself in the loving ways you desire from others. There are many ways of making ourselves feel special and healing jealousy. Instead of trying to get others to give you what you want, you can practice Inner Bonding and learn to take emotional responsibility:

• By attending to your feelings throughout the day and exploring what you may be doing that is causing you to feel unlovable, unworthy, and jealous, rather than making others responsible for your feelings.

• By attending to your own needs rather than expecting others to meet your needs.

• By accepting yourself rather than judging yourself. Validate yourself, approve of yourself – tell yourself the things you want to hear from others. Learn to value your talents and gifts.

• By learning to value your intrinsic worth rather than just your looks or performance – intrinsic qualities such as your kindness, compassion, creativity, and caring.

• By behaving in ways that you value – being loving, kind, compassionate, understanding, caring, and coming from your integrity.

• And by pursuing work you love, work that fulfills you, if possible.

You can also learn to take physical responsibility, which will also make your inner child feel loved and special:

• By feeding yourself well to maintain health and appropriate weight.

• By getting enough rest and exercise.

• By creating balance between work and play and creative time.

• By making sure you are physically safe such as wearing a helmet when riding a motorcycle.

You can also learn to take financial responsibility, which will go a long way in relieving stress and making your inner child feel safe and loved:

• By making sure you are financially independent rather than dependent upon another, if you are physically able to do so. Dependence on another may lower your sense of self-worth and can easily lead to jealousy.

• And by spending within your means to avoid the fear and stress of debt. Do you feel good about yourself when you have much debt? Might you feel jealous if your partner meets a financially successful person?

You can also learn to take relationship responsibility:

• By learning to stand up for yourself and speak your truth rather than getting angry, withdrawing, complying, defending, or resisting in the face of others’ demands or criticism. Operating from your controlling wounded self will always lead to low self-worth, which of course is the underlying cause of jealousy.

• And by learning to stop blaming others, with anger and criticism, for your feelings and behavior. Blaming others puts you in a victim position, leading to deep low self-worth.

You can also learn to take organizational responsibility:

• By doing what you say you are going to do regarding time and chores.

• And by make sure your living space and work environment are clean, tidy, and esthetically pleasing. If you are a clutter, this is likely lowering your sense of self-worth, which can lead to feeling jealous.

And you can learn to take spiritual responsibility:

• By taking the time to connect with the love and truth of your higher guidance. It’s through your connection with your guidance that you can learn about your intrinsic worth and learn to love and value yourself.

• And by taking time throughout the day to bring the love down to the level of your feeling self – your inner child, so that he or she feels seen, valued, special, and loved by you.

Treating yourself in these loving ways will eventually result in feeling internally special rather than needing others to make you feel special. When you feel internally special, you will be surprised at what happens with your jealousy!

As Jennifer learned Inner Bonding and practiced making herself special, she discovered that her relationships with others were becoming stronger and more fulfilling. People were no longer pulling away from her, resisting her, or defending themselves against her demands for attention. Her behavior naturally and gradually changed with others when she was treating herself as a special person, and her jealousy disappeared.

I hope that you now see the path to healing jealousy.

Healing occurs when you learn to see who you really are in your beautiful soul, rather than defining yourself by your looks and achievements. And as long as you make others responsible for defining your self-worth, you will feel threatened when your partner gives attention to someone else.

You cannot see your essence through the eyes of your wounded self. Your wounded self sees yourself through the filter of others’ perceptions of you, so you may end up seeing yourself in the distorted way your parents, other caregivers, siblings, peers, teachers, religious leaders, or relatives may have seen you as a child.

In order to know your own essence, you need to be able to see yourself from a higher perspective – from the eyes of your higher self, your older wise self. Right now, imagine an older, very wise part of you who can see the truth of who you are. Imagine this part of you looking at you as small child – before you developed much of your wounded self. You might have to go back to seeing yourself as a baby, or even before you came into the world. Go back as far as you need to, to see the essence of you – the truth of who you are.

Try this exercise:

• Sit in a beautiful place out in nature or imagine being there. If you can’t be in actual nature, use your imagination to smell the flowers or the trees or the ocean.

• Imagine your older, wiser part of you, your higher self. Imagine that you are with your older wiser self in the beautiful place in nature.

• Imagine that you can see yourself as a little child through the eyes of your older wise self, before you decided that you were not good enough. Who is this child, this soul?

• Write down the words that come to mind, such as playful, kind, sensitive, caring, intuitive, generous, outgoing, fun-loving, sweet, funny, smart, giving, loving, quiet, thoughtful, lovable, intense, curious, alive, honest, bright-eyed. Write whatever words pop into your mind.

• Tune inside and see that these beautiful qualities are still within, but they might have been squashed down by the experiences you had growing up, and by the ego wounded part of you who decided that who you really are in your soul essence isn’t good enough.

If you had a child who was just like you were as a child, how would you treat him or her?

Now think about how you treat yourself. Are you giving yourself the love, attention, and caring you need inside, or are you abandoning yourself with your self-judgments? Are you numbing out your feelings with various addictions and are you making your partner or others responsible for your feelings of safety, worth, and lovability?

Your inner child – your soul essence – is your feeling self, and lets you know through feelings whether you are loving yourself or abandoning yourself. When you feel jealous, your inner child is letting you know that you are abandoning yourself in various ways. 

It’s loving yourself that heals jealousy.

When you decide to learn to love yourself rather than judge yourself and abandon your feelings, you will no longer feel jealous. When you learn to see and value yourself, you will know why your partner loves you. You will be able to stop trying to control your partner or others into giving you what you haven’t been giving yourself, and you will be able to feel your partner’s love for you, as well as your love for your partner. You will find yourself no longer comparing yourself to others, nor competing with others for your partner’s attention.

When you learn to treat yourself as someone you love, jealousy will no longer be a problem for you!

If you practice Inner Bonding and learn to embrace the truth of who you are, and begin to treat yourself as you would treat any lovable and cherished being, such as you hopefully would treat your children or a pet, you will start to feel much more lovable and secure. When you do this long enough and consistently enough, you will discover that you no longer feel jealous!

The power of Inner Bonding is that, through practice, you learn to give yourself what you didn’t receive as a child and always wanted and needed. This is what heals insecurity, neediness, fear of rejection, and jealousy.

I invite you to join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership.

And, I invite you to join me for my 30-Day home study Course that teaches Inner Bonding: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”

And you can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from all of our books and courses and from our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.