S2 EP290 – Healing Abandonment Wounds Within a Relationship

Hi everyone, and welcome to the Inner Bonding Podcast. I’m Dr. Margaret Paul, and today I’m going to talk about a deep and painful experience that many people bring into their relationships – whether consciously or unconsciously – which is abandonment wounds, and how to heal these wounds within a loving relationship.

Abandonment wounds lead to 

The fear of being left…
The fear of not being chosen…and
The pain of not mattering to someone you love.

In this podcast, I’ll help you understand:

• Where these wounds come from
• How they show up in relationships
• What your wounded self does to try to avoid abandonment
• And how Inner Bonding offers a powerful path toward healing them

These wounds generally start in childhood – but they show up most clearly in adult relationships, especially romantic ones.

So, what is an abandonment wound?

An abandonment wound is the deep fear – and often expectation – that someone you love will leave you, reject you, stop loving you, or disconnect emotionally from you.

I do not believe it is possible to grow up in our society without some abandonment wounds. The following are some of the ways abandonment wounds can be created:

• Being torn away from mother at birth and put into a nursery.
• Being left to cry in a crib or playpen.
• Being given up for adoption or being left in foster care.
• Being physically and/or sexually abused.
• Being emotionally abused – ignored, yelled at, shamed.
• Being neglected
• Being pushed aside at the birth of a new sibling.
• Having a parent or caregiver who is emotionally unavailable.
• Being unseen, misunderstood, or not attuned to by parents or other caregivers.
• Being lied to.
• Being unprotected by a parent or caregiver.
• Being left alone in a hospital during an illness.
• Losing a beloved parent or grandparent at a very young age.
• Divorce.
• Being bullied, teased, or left out with siblings or peers.
• Being ridiculed by a teacher.
• Being forgotten, not being picked up from school or other places.
• Being left at a young age to care for oneself, a parent, or other siblings.
• Being physically abandoned and left with another parent or caregiver
• Being shamed or blamed for expressing feelings

Your inner child stores these experiences and carries the belief:

“I’m not lovable. I’ll be left. I’m not enough.”

When we are deeply wounded at a young age, we cannot handle the pain, so we find ways to dissociate from the intense feelings. Then, later in life, especially when we fall in love, these old wounds can get activated. Our beloved gets angry, withdraws, gives attention to someone else, says mean things, doesn’t tell the truth, doesn’t stand up for us, comes home late, wanders away in a crowded public place, misunderstands us, and so on – and suddenly the pain that has been pushed aside all these years comes roaring to the surface. 

We think that we are reacting to the present situation, but what is really happening is that the old, unhealed abandonment wound has been triggered. We might find ourselves suddenly enraged, or falling apart with intense tears. Our reaction seems too big for the situation, yet we cannot seem to stop the inner pain.

We want our beloved to take the pain away by stopping his or her behavior. If only he or she would not do the thing that activates these feelings, we would be fine. Yet until we actually heal these old, deep wounds, we will not be fine. We will always be vulnerable to having these wounds activated.

So unless these wounds are addressed, they play out again and again in adult relationships. They don’t just stay buried. They show up in many ways, such as:

• Clinging to your partner or becoming overly needy
• Becoming jealous or controlling
• Shutting down emotionally to avoid getting hurt
• People-pleasing to avoid rejection
• Reacting with rage, tears, or withdrawal when a partner pulls away
• Feeling anxious or panicked when your partner seems distant

In these moments, your inner child is re-experiencing old trauma and is crying out:

“Don’t leave me. Don’t reject me. Don’t stop loving me.”

But here’s the thing:

When we hand our inner child over to our partner, we abandon ourselves.
And this perpetuates the wound rather than heals it.

Your wounded self forms strategies to avoid ever feeling that abandonment again. These include:

• Controlling your partner through anger, guilt, or compliance
• Trying to become what they want so they won’t leave
• Emotionally disconnecting to protect against future pain
• Constantly analyzing their moods or words to feel safe

But none of this actually prevents abandonment, and all these strategies are self-abandoning. So as long as you’re abandoning your own feelings and needs, you will feel insecure – no matter what your partner does.

Abandonment wounds can’t be healed by controlling others. They can only be healed by learning to show up for yourself within the relationship.

You can heal your abandonment wounds within a relationship, provided the relationship offers some area of safety within which to do your inner work. But if you are in an unsafe relationship system, you might be re-wounding yourself.

A sense of safety in relationships is created by moving into an intent to learn with yourselves and with each other. However, it is always harder to take the risk of speaking your truth and moving into an intent to learn when you have something to lose, and the thought of losing your partner is what triggers your wounds.

At my Inner Bonding Intensives, the attending couples – both heterosexual and gay – are always amazed at the similarities among their unsafe relationship systems. These similarities are easier to see when couples watch other couples work than when they are dealing with their own system.

The most common unsafe relationship system is some variation of this: Janice and Hank have been married for sixteen years. Janice’s major complaint is that Hank is often angry or resistant and withdrawn. In either case, he is not emotionally available to her, and her abandonment wounds are triggered by Hank’s unloving behavior. She feels resentful and lonely, and pulls on Hank with her anger, criticism, blame, and complaints. Janice blames Hank for her unhappiness, believing that if only he would change, she would be happy. Additionally, she feels pulled on sexually. If she gives in to his demands for sex, she feels used, and if she doesn’t, she feels rejected emotionally. In either case, her abandonment wounds are triggered, and she reacts to him from her wounded self.

Hank’s major complaint is that Janice is often unhappy and upset no matter how much he does for her, and she is rarely sexually responsive. He feels burdened by her pull on him to make her happy, angry at her criticism of him, and deprived of a good sexual relationship. He is lonely and unfulfilled in the marriage and blames his feelings on Janice’s bitchiness and lack of sexual response. He feels victimized by her behavior. He believes that if she would change, he would be happy, not realizing that her behavior is triggering his abandonment wounds.

In variations on this kind of unsafe relationship system, one partner is upset about, feels shut out by, or feels burdened by the other’s drinking, watching TV, overworking, underworking, and so on. One or the other partner may be angry at carrying most or all of the financial burden, especially if the other partner tends to spend too much money. Sometimes the opposite of Janice and Hank’s relationship occurs, where the man feels shut out emotionally and the woman feels rejected sexually. Sometimes one partner feels shut out both emotionally and sexually, while the other feels angry, and withdrawn at feeling pulled at and controlled. These controlling behaviors are often coming from the fear of rejection and abandonment. 

Often one partner is the caretaker and feels overwhelmed and burdened by the other’s resistance to taking responsibility around the house or to granting any request that partner makes. Often the wife is the caretaker, and the husband is resistant to her requests – to take out the garbage, spend some time together, or explore conflict. She feels resentful and rejected while he feels resentful and controlled. This scenario can be reversed, with the man as the caretaker and the woman as the resister. Perhaps he earns all the money, then comes home and takes care of everything, including the children, while she spends her time playing tennis, spending money, taking classes, and resisting responsibility for the house and children.

While unsafe relationship systems differ in their details, they all have one thing in common: Neither partner is taking responsibility for their own feelings and needs. Both are, in one way or another, making the other person responsible for their happiness, safety, and sense of lovability and worth. Both are controlling, though in different ways. In all of these unsafe relationship systems, controlling is more important to the partners than learning about loving, and controlling behavior creates a lack of safety and triggers abandonment wounds.

Here is another example:

Sherry, thirty-two, is a stay-at-home mother with children from her previous marriage. She and Ken, thirty-nine, had been together less than a year, when their old patterns coming from their abandonment wounds – which had not been healed in previous relationships – emerged. Ken often came home from his job as the head of a large manufacturing company feeling anxious, depressed, and exhausted. He often complained to Sherry about how sick he felt and how difficult things were at work, yet he did nothing to change things.

Sherry felt annoyed when Ken complained but then continued to avoid responsibility for his health and work issues. When she offered advice, he would get furious and resistant, telling her to back off and stop acting like a parent. Sherry often felt frightened by Ken’s anger and collapsed into angry tears, blaming Ken for her upset feelings. Ken then felt angry at being blamed and guilty that he had upset Sherry, and he retreated by going to sleep early or going out drinking with his friends. Sherry was left with her children and her misery, unable to sleep.

In this system, Ken was not taking responsibility for his health, his anxiety, his depression and his work problems. Instead, he was being a victim. He used alcohol to avoid his feelings, or he complained to Sherry, dumping his negative energy onto her and handing her responsibility for his wounded abandoned feelings. Ken pulled on Sherry for sympathy rather than moving into compassion for himself and taking loving action on his own behalf. When he received advice or criticism from Sherry instead of sympathy, he got enraged. He then blamed her for his rage instead of moving into an intent to learn about what was happening between them.

Sherry was not taking responsibility for her feelings and needs either. She was not speaking her truth to Ken – that it felt invasive when he dumped his anxiety and depression on her; that she lost respect for him when he used alcohol to escape his feelings; that his complaints felt like a pull on her, and that she didn’t enjoy being with him when he was being a victim. 

Due to her abandonment wounds, instead of speaking her truth, she gave herself up and listened to his complaints, or became needy, angry, parental, and critical. Sherry kept hoping that if she were angry enough, she could get Ken to take responsibility for himself. Then she would not have to take care of herself in the face of his behavior. She felt victimized by his anger, rather than moving into compassion for herself and exploring why she tried to fix him instead of taking care of herself and healing her own abandonment wounds.

Both Sherry and Ken were locked into the intent to control, and with this intent, neither had the safety they needed to heal their abandonment wounds. The love and passion that had been so fulfilling at the beginning of their relationship was gone. Did they both pick the wrong person once again? Probably not. Sherry and Ken could be perfect for each other – if they opened to learning about their respective sides of the unsafe relationship system they had created and did their inner work to heal their abandonment wounds. 

Each was triggering the other’s deepest fears of rejection and engulfment. But this painful situation had a silver lining. It gave them the opportunity to heal their deepest fears, if they chose to do so. When both partners move into an intent to learn about themselves and each other, relationships that trigger their deepest fears can become the most powerful arena for healing their abandonment wounds.

Sherry and Ken did decide to hang in and deal with their problems. They came to an Inner Bonding Intensive together and began to face their abandonment fears of being rejected and controlled by each other. They learned to turn to the Six Steps of Inner Bonding and take care of their own feelings instead of blaming each other for them. They learned to tell their truth to each other without judgment or blame. Sherry was finally able to say to Ken, “I feel so lonely when you drink, and I lose respect for you when I see you using alcohol to avoid your feelings. I know you have good reasons for drinking, and I would really like to understand what they are. What is it you are afraid of feeling?”

They also learned to set loving limits around violating, invasive behavior. When Sherry was angry or critical, Ken learned to say, “I don’t like being blamed and criticized. If you are unhappy about something, let’s talk about it, but I don’t want to be treated badly.” And when Ken complained, Sherry learned to say, “Honey, this doesn’t feel good. I’m feeling dumped on. I’m happy to help you if you want help, but if you are just going to complain, I’m going to go read my book.” They learned to help each other explore their controlling behavior instead of blaming it on each other. Through doing their inner work, they gradually healed their abandonment issues and became strong enough to love. Within a few months, love and passion returned full force to their relationship.

The wonderful thing about all this is that it is never too late to create a safe, loving relationship system to do your healing work, rather than an unsafe, controlling one. No matter how awful things have been in the past, when two people decide to do their own inner work and create safe inner spaces for themselves to heal, they will succeed in creating the safe relationship space necessary to heal abandonment wounds. With a sense of safety between them as a result of their Inner Bonding work, they are ready to do the deeper Inner Bonding work to heal their abandonment wounds.

And, of course, here’s where Inner Bonding becomes life changing.

In Step 1, recognize the trigger. When you feel that wave of panic, jealousy, or emptiness – stop. Acknowledge it. This is not weakness. This is your inner child speaking.

Once you are aware that deep pain has been activated, you might want to seek the help of someone who can hold you and nurture you while you go into the abandonment pain. If no one is available, hold a doll, bear or pillow, bring in your spiritual guidance and do the best you can to bring comfort to yourself.

It is often not advisable to seek the help of the person, such as your partner, who activated the wound, because he or she may still be stuck in their own wounded place, the place that touched off your wound, and also you might become dependent upon your beloved taking care of you and taking the pain away instead of actually healing the pain.

Once you are with a safe, nurturing person, or even on the phone with a safe person, hold a doll or stuffed animal or a pillow and breath into the pain. Then move on to Step 2.

In Step 2, move into the intent to learn, invite in the love and compassion of your higher guidance, and, instead of trying to fix, blame, or suppress – get curious.

Then, in Step 3, ask your inner child: “What am I telling you that’s causing these feelings of panic, jealousy, emptiness, or anger?”

The false belief might be something like:

“They’re going to leave me.”
“I must not be lovable.”
“I did something wrong.”

But these are old beliefs – not present truth.

Allow your inner child who is in pain to give you information about the original pain that is still stuck in the body. The body holds the memories that you repressed at the time, and now the body is releasing these memories. Many images may come up as you open to learning with your inner child. Be sure you have your spiritual guidance with you, holding you, surrounding you with love and comfort as you open to learning about this deep pain. 

In order to truly understand your present reactions, you need to understand what happened to you when you were a child. Keep breathing deeply and allowing your inner child to inform you, even if you are crying. Tell the person helping you what your inner child is telling you about what happened to you when you were young. 

Being there for your inner child this way will gradually heal the abandonment wounds so that the same abandonment issues won’t keep coming up. Ignoring your feelings, trying to make them go away, or trying to get someone else to take them away will only serve to re-wound you. It is only when you no longer abandon yourself that the old wounds begin to heal. Eventually, another’s behavior that previously triggered your intense reactions will no longer do so. You may feel sad or lonely when a loved one gets angry or withdrawn, but as long as you continue to show up for yourself, the intense pain will not be there.

If the pain seems stuck in your body no matter what you do, then you need to seek out a trauma therapist or facilitator, or a bodyworker who knows how to release old pain out of the body.

It may take a while, but gradually you will calm down. At that point, you can move into Step Four, asking your guidance about the beliefs that may have come up during Step 3, and about what else your inner child needs right now to feel loved and safe.

In Step 4, open to your higher power, and ask your guidance: 

“What is the truth about me?”
“What is the loving action for me right now?”

You may hear:
“You are inherently lovable.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Take a walk. Breathe. Stop chasing love. Return to yourself.”

Then, in Step 5, take the loving actions. First, let your inner child know:

“I’m here. I see you. I won’t leave you. Your worth doesn’t depend on others.”

You become the source of emotional safety.

Other loving actions might be:

• Setting a boundary
• Speaking your truth
• Taking space to care for yourself
• Doing something that reconnects you to your worth and joy

And the more consistently you show up for your inner child, the more trust you build, the less power those old wounds have over you, and the more loving you can be with your partner. Learning to stop abandoning yourself and learning to take responsibility for your own feelings works wonders for a relationship! You learn to trust love without losing yourself.

As you do this work, beautiful things happen:

You stop needing your partner to prove they love you.

You stop giving your power away to moods, tone of voice, or emotional distance.

You begin to anchor your worth inside yourself.

And from that place, you can truly love – without fear, without control, and without the need to lose yourself.

You can’t heal abandonment by holding on.
You heal abandonment by holding yourself.

So if you’re in a relationship where these old wounds are being triggered…

Don’t judge yourself.
Don’t shame yourself for needing love.
And don’t try to control another person into meeting the needs you’re not meeting for yourself.

Instead, turn inward.
Breathe.
Connect.
Listen to your inner child and your higher guidance.
Ask what’s loving right now – and do that.

Because your worth doesn’t come from being chosen by another.
It comes from choosing yourself.

Healing our abandonment issues doesn’t happen overnight, yet it doesn’t have to take years either if you learn and practice the Six Steps of Inner Bonding. 

Once these old wounds are healing, you will feel a new sense of personal power. Other’s behavior can no longer trigger you into these intensely painful feelings. However, a word of caution: you may think you are healed, only to discover another level when you move into a more intimate relationship, or into more intimacy with a present partner. The closer the relationship, the deeper the wounds are that get activated. That’s why the primary relationship is a powerful arena for healing, and Inner Bonding is a very powerful tool!

And you can support yourself and your relationship with my 30-Day online video relationship course: Wildly, Deeply, Joyously in Love. This course will be a big help in healing abandonment wounds.

Thank you for joining me for this episode of the Inner Bonding Podcast.
I’m Dr. Margaret Paul, and I invite you to keep showing up for your healing… because love begins within.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.