S2 EP224 – Optimist or Pessimist – Which are you?

Transcription:

Hi everyone. Dr. Margaret Paul here with the Inner Bonding Podcast. Today, I’m speaking about optimism and pessimism.

Winston Churchill said “I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.” –

Are you primarily an optimist or primarily a pessimist? Are you primarily a glass half full or a glass half empty kind of person? 

When you notice your thoughts, which kind of thoughts predominate? 

Do you find yourself often thinking pessimistic thoughts such as…

• I’ll never get where I want to go. I’m a loser.
  
• I’m not smart enough to achieve what I want to achieve.
  
• God is there for others but not for me.
  
• I’m going to end up losing what I have.
  
• The world is very unsafe, so I have to always be vigilant.
  
• Why reach out to others? No one likes me.
  
• Why put forth effort? There’s no point since I don’t have the talent or ability to success.
  
• Some people just have good luck, but I don’t.
  
• Things are going too well. I just know that something bad is going to happen.
  
• Life is too much for me to handle.
  
• I’m going to end up alone.
  
• Life for me will always be a disaster.
  
• There is no point in eating well or exercising – my genetics are against me.
  
• I’m not emotionally or physically healthy, and this is just the way it is. There is nothing I can do about it.
  
• I don’t deserve to be happy.
  
• I don’t deserve to be loved.
  
• And so on…

Or do you find yourself often thinking optimistic thoughts such as…

• If I work hard enough and stay focused, I will get where I want to go.
  
• My intelligence and abilities increase with learning.
  
• No one ever succeeds without a lot of effort, and I can put in as much effort as anyone who has ever succeeded.
  
• If I stay tuned into and trust my own inner knowing and my higher guidance, I can feel safe.
  
• I am a good and kind person so of course people like me.
  
• It is not luck that causes people to succeed, but belief in themselves.
  
• When bad things happen, these are opportunities for learning and growth.
  
• Life’s challenges present me with incredible learning opportunities.
  
• When I am ready for partnership, someone will show up.
  
• Regardless of how physically or emotionally unhealthy my parents were, I can make choices that result in physical and emotional health.
  
• Everyone deserves to be happy, including me.
  
• Everyone deserves to be loved, and everyone is loved by the love that is God. 

Do you realize that you get to choose, that you have free will, which means that you get to choose how you want to think? You get to choose whether you want to think positive or negative thoughts, and which ones you choose determine many of your feelings and actions.

When you hear the pessimist list, can you see that thinking these kinds of thoughts can create depression, procrastination, and continued failure? Can you see when you hear the optimist list how thinking these thoughts can create motivation, loving action, and ultimate success in work and life?

Instead of seeing yourself as a victim of circumstances, of your past, of your parents, of events, or of luck, why not start to monitor your thoughts and consciously change them from negative to positive? You will likely discover that changing your thoughts changes your feelings and actions, as well as outcomes.

You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by experimenting with changing your thoughts!

Are you addicted to negative thinking?

My client Barbara sought my help because of her chronic fatigue. She had been going to different kinds of doctors and trying different nutrition plans for years and nothing was helping her. One of the doctors suggested that she try working with me.

It became evident early in our work together than Barbara was deeply addicted to thinking the worst. Constant negativity went through her mind about every aspect of her life. She would get out of her car and worry about getting robbed. In social situations, she would tell herself that people didn’t like her. She was always worried about money, even though she was a successful graphic designer. Her husband could never do anything right. There was something wrong with every doctor she saw. 

Negative thinking causes much stress in the body. I told Barbara to imagine that she was telling these negative thoughts to a child. How would the child feel most of the time? Barbara could see that this child would, of course, feel anxious and stressed much of the time in response to all the negativity and catastrophic thinking.

The medical profession has long told us that stress is one of the leading causes of illness. Stress sets into motion the body’s fight or flight response, pouring cortisol into the body and eventually exhausting the adrenal glands. Adrenal exhaustion can be one of the results of so much negative thinking. 

While Barbara could understand the possible effect her negative thinking was having on her health, it was extremely challenging for her to give it up. Her false beliefs had been keeping her stuck. She deeply believed that her negative thinking kept her safe from disappointment. She believed that thinking the catastrophic thoughts before bad things happened prepared her to deal with the bad thigs. She didn’t want to be caught off guard. She believed that she could not handle the pain of disappointment, so that if she knew about it ahead of time and actually expected it, she wouldn’t feel disappointed.

Also, Barbara believed that if she was vigilant enough and thought through all the bad things that could happen, she could prevent them. She believed that by thinking ahead, she could somehow have control over the outcome of things.

And Barbara also believed that she could control how people felt about her by acting right and saying the right thing. She was constantly vigilant about her behavior with others in her attempts to control how they felt about her and treated her.

The underlying cause of her negative thinking was her devotion to control, but in trying to control her feelings, others’ feelings, and the outcome of things, Barbara may have been causing her illness.

The problem with all of this is that it is based on an illusion – the illusion of control. The fact is that Barbara could not foresee every event that could cause her some pain. She was devastated every time something happened that she had not thought of beforehand. How could something painful come out of the blue like that? How could she have not foreseen it?

The paradox of all of this is that in trying to foresee future catastrophes, Barbara was not present in the moment. Real safety is in being present in the moment so we can respond appropriately to whatever is happening in the moment. When we are fully present in the moment, we are available to receiving information from our inner and higher guidance that is always available to us, and that is here to help us and protect us. But we can access our guidance only when we are fully present in the moment, not when we are trying to control others and the future.

Through practicing Step 1 of Inner Bonding – staying aware of her feelings and choosing to be responsible for them – Barbara became more aware of her negative thinking and how it made her feel. Along with changing her thoughts, she was also willing to change her diet to eating healthy whole foods. She gradually become healthy, along with days that are lighter and more fun. 

Moving out of negative thinking is a process that takes practice. If you are a negative thinker, you have likely been practicing this form of thinking for much of your life. You are not going to stop in a day. But if you tune into the stress you feel and learn to connect your stress with your negative thinking, you can slowly change this pattern. 

Vitality and joy can be the result of letting go of your negative thinking and learning to be present in the moment.

Sometimes, the negativity is coming from waking suggestions. Do you give yourself negative “waking suggestions”? Author Isaac Bashevis Singer wrote: “If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of becoming a prophet.” 

A waking suggestion is similar to the suggestions that people are given under hypnosis, except that you aren’t hypnotized. You are subjected to waking suggestions when you hear advertisements on the radio or TV. If waking suggestions didn’t work, there would be no advertisers!

Placebos are another form of waking suggestion. Given the suggestion that a particular drug will work, such as a drug for depression, research has proven beyond any doubt that placebos work just as well as many drugs. 

The Law of Attraction is partially based on positive waking suggestions.

We often give ourselves waking suggestions, and depending on the suggestion, this can create positive or negative outcomes. 

The reason waking suggestions work is that whatever the subconscious believes is often what manifests. That’s why Singer stated that “If you keep on saying things are going to be bad, you have a good chance of becoming a prophet.”

Given that this is true, it’s important to become aware of your own negative waking suggestions to yourself – the negative self-talk that comes from your wounded self.

What are some of the waking suggestions you give yourself that are keeping you limited? I listed some at the beginning of these podcast, and here are some more:

• I will never be able to do this.
• I will never find the love of my life.
• I will always be stuck in a job I hate.
• I will never measure up.
• I will never be able to lose weight.
• I will never be able to heal.
• I’m permanently emotionally damaged.
• I have no value.
• I will always make a fool of myself.
• I will never be good enough.
• I will never be happy.
• I will never be physically healthy.
• Nothing I do will ever work for me.
• I’m unlucky.
• I will always be depressed.
• I will always be anxious.
• I will never be able to hear the voice of my guidance.
• This is going to be an awful day.
• I’m trapped forever.
• I will never have financial freedom.
• I will always be poor.
• I will never be able to give up my addictions.
• Life will always pass me by.
• I’m not one of the chosen ones.
• There is nothing I can do to feel better.
• I’m a misfit.
• I’m too weird to ever feel like I belong anywhere.

These are just some of the things I frequently hear from my clients. When I hear them, I also hear that the person firmly believes these things. It is usually this firm belief that is creating their stuck-ness and misery.

The way to heal from waking suggestions is to start listening to yourself.

The moment you hear a negative waking suggestion, open your mind and heart to learning with your guidance, and ask if you know for sure that this is true, or if it is a programmed false belief from your wounded self.

Years ago, I believed that I could never hear the voice of my guidance – that I just didn’t have the talent or ability to do this. I believed that others could do it, but not me. Of course, as long as I believed this, I couldn’t. But then, Dr. Erika Chopich showed me how. Since then, I’ve been able to hear my guidance, as well as other people’s guidance. My wounded self didn’t know what she was talking about at all, but as long as I believed her, I was stuck.

What do you keep telling yourself that is limiting you? What do you believe that others or the media tell you, or what you tell yourself, that limits you or scares you? Start to notice and you will be amazed at the power of waking suggestion.

On the other hand, what about the power of positive thinking? Does this work to get you want you want?

A few years ago I was at the home of a friend, and she had affirmations taped on the walls and her refrigerator.

“Are these helpful to you?” I asked her.

“Not really,” she answered. “I do them all the time, but they don’t seem to be doing anything. I’ve read about the law of attraction – that like attracts like – and I’m trying to just think positive thoughts. I wonder why it isn’t working? Maybe the law of attraction isn’t real.”

Knowing of the work I do, she was interested in my opinion of this.

“What do you think about the law of attraction?” she asked.

“The problem,” I answered, “is that most affirmations are stated from the conscious level of our mind. But there is another level, a subconscious level, that is also thinking thoughts, and these thoughts might be the complete opposite of the affirmation.”

“But how do you know when you are thinking subconscious thoughts if they are subconscious?” she asked me.

“We know by our feelings. Our feelings respond to our subconscious thoughts. If you are thinking something negative, you will feel anxious, scared, angry, stressed, or depressed. Your feelings are letting you know that you are thinking and behaving in ways that are counter to what you are actually affirming.”

“But I thought that if I ignored my negative feelings and just focused on positive thinking, I would start to feel better and get more of what I want,” she said.

“No, it doesn’t work that way,” I told her. “It’s what we think about with positive emotion, like excitement, that has the power to manifest. Thoughts without any emotion have no power. It’s the emotion behind it that gives the thought power. Do you have any emotion when you are saying affirmations?” I asked her.

“No, I just say them,” she answered.

“Then that’s why they aren’t working,” I said. “There is no energy to propel the thought, no true investment in it. If, for example, you are saying this affirmation that is on your refrigerator, “My relationship is loving and harmonious,” but subconsciously you are trying to control your partner into being more affectionate, and you feel resentful at the lack of affection, the negative feelings and negative intent prevails. This is why it is so important to pay attention to your feelings, which is the first step of Inner Bonding. The moment you are aware of feeling anxious or resentful, or any other negative feeling, you can then notice what you are telling yourself and how you are behaving that is causing the distressing feeling. It is only by attending to your thoughts and feelings in this way that you can make the subconscious conscious enough to be able to choose thoughts that create joy and excitement, rather than thoughts that create distress.”

“Oh, this makes so much sense!” she said. “Are you saying that it’s not that there is anything wrong with affirmations, but that when we are also thinking something negative, which creates negative emotions, this is actually what we might be manifesting?”

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying,” I answered. “So rather than ignoring your feelings or numbing them out with various addictions, it is vitally important to notice your feelings, because they are alerting you to whether your subconscious thoughts are positive or negative. You manifest when you think thoughts that move your heart and soul with a sense of passion and purpose. These are always thoughts about loving yourself and others and manifesting your dreams, never thoughts about controlling others or controlling outcomes.”

“I’m so glad I spoke with you! I’m definitely going to practice noticing my feelings and the thoughts that create them,” she exclaimed with much positive emotion!

In speaking with one of my clients about whether or not affirmations work, she said, “I have always found it instantly feels bad if an ‘affirmation’ is essentially just a lie. For example, if you affirm ‘I love my job and it expresses my soul’ but you actually hate your job and it drains you, you will feel inner conflict, not resonance when you read or say that, simply because you are lying to yourself.” 

Right. And this is exactly why positive affirmations might not be working for you. The energy of love and truth need to be behind the words. When we are just trying to get something then it’s probably about controlling others or outcomes. 

A lot of people have been confused by this topic, not understanding that it’s your emotional response to the affirmation, or the converse emotion attached to the unconscious thought that actually determines what you manifest in your life. You can be affirming something consciously while your subconscious thoughts are cancelling out your affirmation. Inner Bonding actually informs you of your true intent through your emotions. 

It’s generally true that when we are operating from our wounded self, we are pessimistic, and when we are operating as a loving adult, we are optimistic. But even this can get confusing, because the wounded self can think positive thoughts that are not at all realistic and can actually be a form of denial, or you might be acting optimistic and positive with people as a form of control, hoping to cover up how you are really feeling and get their approval. Sometimes, with my clients, when we start the session and I ask how they are doing, they might say, “I’m doing well,” but their energy is depressed and closed. This indicates to me that their wounded self is in charge trying to get my approval rather than open to learning about their feelings. Fortunately, I pick up their feelings even if they are in denial and then I can gently help them do the work they are needing to do regarding their self-abandonment. 

Our feelings tell us the truth regarding whether we are being truly positive and optimistic, telling ourselves the truth, focused on what is loving to ourselves and to others, and taking the loving actions informed by our higher guidance. Our feelings tell us if we are in reality or not. Our feelings tell us whether we are genuinely optimistic or acting optimistic, and our feelings tell us when our wounded self is being pessimistic and giving us negative waking suggestions. 

True optimism comes from learning to take loving care of yourself and letting your actions with yourself and others be guided by your spiritual guidance. The experience of knowing that you are never alone and that you are always being guided in your highest good is what creates the peace of true optimism. You will see that you will feel more and more optimistic the more you practice Inner Bonding. 

I invite you to join me for my bi-monthly masterclass and receive my live help, which you can learn about at https://innerbondinghub.com/membership. 

And, I invite you to learn to connect with your spiritual guidance with my 30-Day video home-study course, Unlocking Your Inner Wisdom.

And you can learn so much about loving yourself and creating loving relationships from my new book, “Lonely No More: The Astonishing Power of Inner Bonding” and from our website at https://www.innerbonding.com.

I’m sending you my love and my blessings.